The Dirty Secret

[Lori]

That's what I am now. I'm the Dirty secret.

Let me explain my living situation. I have a son who is going to be four in August. I have two step daughters that I have raised since one was 6 mos old and the other was 4 years old. They are now 10 and 14, so I've been around them for a while. I'm also still currently married although its more like a partnership of sorts. She and I  also work for the same company.

My spouse/wife/partner envisions my transition in that, I leave the house, the city, the state and travel 1500 miles away to Oregon and be with my mom and transition with her so the kids won't ever know and no questions would ever have to be asked. Nobody at work would know anything except a few that know about me and those that don't would be told I just left.  Lori would then return as the "Aunt" or something and her girls would never know about me. My son would just know that Daddy left and Daddy's sister showed up to help take care of him.

My wife clearly does not want to deal with the issue or have to exert any effort into it, support it, or face the public onslaught we are sure to face. On one hand she knows I'm TS and knows how hard it must be on me but on the flip hand she wants to do what the rest of society does and that is cast us to the freak show and be done with me until I'm done cooking. If I don't pass or fail to look like a woman I can pretty much promise she wouldn't step foot in the same mega mall as me even if we were to enter opposite ends. So mentally she understands and knows I'm born this way, on the other hand "It sucks to be you. You are on your own."

How many of her fears are unfounded?

True we live in Fort Worth Texas and there are plenty of Baptists down here ready to quote scripture and save me. Her friend seems to know that according to the bible, only those born with both penis and vagina's are true transsexuals and are born that way. I was not born this way but became this way because of my abusive childhood. If I would just find Jesus Christ in my heart I would be cured and could give all my pain to him and be the man I was born to be.

So now I'm the Dirty little secret that needs to just leave, disappear and come back when all the transition is done. Leave as Daddy come back the Aunt if I want to continue in their lives.

Sounds like a simple plan and spares them all the hassle of dealing with somebody going through transition. On the other hand there is no way in hell enough money for this. I seriously doubt I'll find a job in Oregon making what I make now. Their unemployment is the absolute pits. Then to be the ripe age of 41, a transsexual who looks like a 1/3rd baked unleavened gooey centered flat bread, and unskilled as a woman, it would be much harder. I wouldn't know anybody and  I would be terribly missing the kids.

I just feel like a freak being forced out of house, home, job because I have this stupid problem that's my choice to deal with and I have to face the music alone.

Yes, go away to trans camp and when I'm done come back a woman and reinstate myself into their lives as somebody else. Just not her daughters. I will be completely shut off and isolated from them and that will be that.

[tekla]

You can't fool all the people all the time.  I'm sure your kids will know it sooner or later.

[she_male]

My advice:
Tell your kids that you're transitioning, move out, and file for divorce.

Edit: Move, but i didn't mean, like, 1500 miles away from the life you have now.

[Witch of Hope]

Sad, to read your story. But it happens so often. This is one reason why I really hate Fundamentalists (in all religions).
What is wrong with you? Nothing!
God create you this way, and I guess, he thought a lot about it before he did it. If they don't like it,they should blame GOD, not you!!!
You live in Texas? Do you know the MCC (I guess in Austin)? Mel White is a gay pastor, know a lot of scriptures, and can be a help. But he live in Virginia. At this side you can find his email-address:

http://www.melwhite.org/

http://home.earthlink.net/~ctmccfth/id4.html (MCC in Texas)

[Jamie-o]

And what kind of trauma will that do to the kids when Daddy walks out of their lives and never contacts them again?      It's one thing if you want to move to another state and start over with job, friends etc.  But do NOT do that to your kids.  It will be far better for them if they know the truth.

[tekla]

In a legal sense it's called 'abandonment' and you could lose the ability to ever have contact with your kids again, and still have to pay all their bills.  What's more the employment deal in Oregon is the second worse in the US after Mich, which at least can blame theirs on the auto industry.

[sd]

And what kind of trauma will that do to the kids when Daddy walks out of their lives and never contacts them again?      It's one thing if you want to move to another state and start over with job, friends etc.  But do NOT do that to your kids.  It will be far better for them if they know the truth.

This was my first thought as well.

It's okay to abandon your kid, but don't tell hers you changed sex? And what happens they they start asking about being lesbians, will the wife run from that was well.

I am betting divorce papers will be filed before you come back at which point you have a child who feels completely abandoned. I wouldn't expect your son to forgive you.

Your wife needs to be with you, or out of it entirely. Splitting your family while you transition is not going to go the way you think.  Also, does she think it will be a period of only a couple months? As Tekla said, eventually they will figure it out.

If you have to move, move, but splitting up the family? Split it with a divorce before you try this scheme. It won't work.

[GinaDouglas]

If you leave your job voluntarily, you won't even get unemployment.

Abandon the kids, then come back and lie to them.  That's some kind of plan.  I sincerely doubt the "new aunt" plan will fool the kids for one minute.

Sailors face a ship INTO the storm.  That's always the best solution for us too.  Be honest, be brave, deal with what comes up and don't fret what MIGHT come up.

[Steph]

That's what I am now. I'm the Dirty secret.

...
My wife clearly does not want to deal with the issue or have to exert any effort into it, support it, or face the public onslaught we are sure to face. On one hand she knows I'm TS and knows how hard it must be on me but on the flip hand she wants to do what the rest of society does and that is cast us to the freak show and be done with me until I'm done cooking. If I don't pass or fail to look like a woman I can pretty much promise she wouldn't step foot in the same mega mall as me even if we were to enter opposite ends. So mentally she understands and knows I'm born this way, on the other hand "It sucks to be you. You are on your own."

How many of her fears are unfounded?

Lori these are her fears and she is entitled to them. This is your problem not hers or the children's and she does not have to deal with them if she chooses not too.

Yep when families are concerned it can be heart breaking, I know from experience.  I would never force my children to accept me or understand me, just hope that in time they will come to want to know about you.

-={LR}=-

[tekla]

This is your problem not hers or the children's

If you have kids, that's a responsibility that you can't run away from, and it is going to be a problem for them.  Remember, if you stick your wing-wang in some girls hoo-haw, (or vice-versa) then you have to take responsibility for that.

And you can't just walk away from it.  No matter what you do, that will haunt you - and those kids - all their lives.

[Wendy C]

Lori along with all the other good advice that has been given you, it seems to me that your wife is sorely lacking in information like most of the general public.
Have you a Therapist that she can talk to about all the issues. I think a lot more talking needs to be done and different solution came up with to handle this. Her plan is a bad plan, no ifs or buts about it. Hugs

~Wendy~

[Steph]

Lori along with all the other good advice that has been given you, it seems to me that your wife is sorely lacking in information like most of the general public.
Have you a Therapist that she can talk to about all the issues. I think a lot more talking needs to be done and different solution came up with to handle this. Her plan is a bad plan, no ifs or buts about it. Hugs

~Wendy~

I don't want to seem rude but why on earth does the wife have to seek the help of a therapy to get her through this, she didn't ask for this.

-={LR}=-

[Jamie-o]

I don't want to seem rude but why on earth does the wife have to seek the help of a therapy to get her through this, she didn't ask for this.

-={LR}=-

Because a gender therapist can help her understand the reality of the situation so that she can make informed decisions about her family.  Like it or not, she's married to a TS.  She has a child with a TS.  She may not have made the initial decision to do so, but that is what life has dealt her, so she's going to have to deal with it one way or another.  Better to deal with it with all the facts, rather than a bunch of mis-information.

[Steph]

Because a gender therapist can help her understand the reality of the situation so that she can make informed decisions about her family.  Like it or not, she's married to a TS.  She has a child with a TS.  She may not have made the initial decision to do so, but that is what life has dealt her, so she's going to have to deal with it one way or another.  Better to deal with it with all the facts, rather than a bunch of mis-information.

I beg to differ if I may...

My wife married a man, and had children with a man.  I would doubt that she would have married me had she known I was TS.  And yes I realize that being TS may have manifested over time but that doesn't change the fact that she married a man.

I find it incredibly selfish of us to expect everyone to adjust to us, have to sacrifice for us, and to support us, when they didn't ask to be put in that situation.  Yes it's grand when wives do, but please don't expect it.

-=(LR}=-

[Jamie-o]

I do see your point, and I agree that the situation really is not fair to the people who get caught up in it with no choice in the matter.  And if it were just her, I'd say she has every right to just turn around and walk away. 

But because there are kids in the picture - which she did choose to have, for better or worse, not knowing what the future might bring - she owes it to them to do the research and make an informed choice, rather than a choice based solely on fear and assumptions.  It's sort of like, if she were diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's, let's say.  She would owe it to them to find out what her prognosis actually was, what the treatments were, how long she would be able to keep her cognitive functions, and to what degree they would likely become impaired before making the decision to ship the kids off to live with Grandma.  It might not make a difference in her final decision, but at least her kids will know that she made every effort to make the right one.

Also, they are Lori's kids, too.  (One biologically, the other two emotionally.)  Once you've decided to have kids with someone, the two of you are linked for life.  It isn't fair to the kids to declare that they will never see their dad again when there are other choices.  Both of them owe it to the kids to do anything in their power to make this the least traumatic event possible for them.   And that, again, means making informed decisions.

Now, one could argue that the most fair thing for the kids is for Lori (or any TS parent) not to transition.  But in my opinion, having a miserable parent isn't any better for kids than having a TS parent.  It's the same as when parents get divorced.  Divorce is tough on kids, but so is living in a household where their parents constantly argue, or can't stand the sight of one another, or where one abuses the other.

I gather from your other posts that at one time you made the decision to walk away.  And maybe the situation in your life dictated that that was the best course of action for everyone involved.  I don't know you or your family or what the circumstances were, so I would never criticize you for that choice.  We can't control other people, and sometimes it's better to walk away than to pull the children in two.

But I do believe that when both parents can approach any difficult experience with an open mind, and can work together civilly, if not amicably, then that puts a lot less stress on the children, and can only be better for them in the long run.

[stacyB]

To quote Yogi Berra "Its like deja-vu all over again".

I just watched this scenario play out elsewhere. Is the SO being selfish? Is the TS being selfish? What about the kids? The only certainty here is that given the current plan everyone is going to lose. So maybe its time to take a step back to see what can be done..

Two separate issues as I see it:

1. Whats best for the children?

2. Whats "fair" for the adults involved?

Seems like a double standard at play here. Ok, our wives married a man, and ended up with less than they were promised (Im not even going to addressed being considered "less" because of being TS). They didnt ask for it... so in effect they feel lied to, and wonder what else we are hiding...

Does anyone really expect us to believe that lying to the children justifies being lied to? How does that really compute? Lori, I dont see you asking for permission or forgiveness or even justification for how things came to be. You just want to be with her kids and pursue your path. Yes, kids, plural. Biology not-withstanding, if you raise them and love them, it makes little difference who the sperm donor was. They are your kids.

If we as TS are to be taken to task for being dishonest or not fulfilling some promise that started with "I do", fine. Lets leave that between the adults. But for the kids sake, a painful and difficult truth is far better than feeling lied to, or worse, abandoned. Not saying its going to be easy... hell, its gonna be rough all the way around.

Lori, I really feel for you. This is so heart wrenching it defies words. I cant, and wouldnt presume to advise what you should do WRT your wife and your marriage. All I can say is think about whats best for your son and daughters. No matter whats happened in the past, everyone is going have their lives changed forever. Even if you choose to abandon your transition, that resentment will live on as well.

Please please talk to a therapist who can help you work through this. Someone who is not connected to anyone in your community and who can see things without conflict of interest or prejudice. There are many lives here that are affected and will be affected by the decisions you and your wife make now.

Insofar as question #2? This is such an emotional and anguished filled question that cant be answered with a one sided perspective. I watched this very subject on another site end up fracturing some of the long time members, and watched friendships go right into the crapper. I would so hate to see that play out again, as it caused so much pain that might have been otherwise avoided. And truth be told, no matter what any of us think, in the end its between you, Lori and your wife.

If you have to label this a dirty secret, its already flawed. Reconsider your choices. I wish you only the best, and that you should find your peace of mind in whatever road or path you choose.

[Lori]

I've sat this one out too long.

First lets clear up the spouse thing. She knew I dressed up and took hormones BEFORE we were married in 2001. I'd only micro dose and do them for a short period of time to get by. At one time she painted my nails and bought my clothes. She has given me shots. Those were even after our son was born. I won't say she wasn't supportive. Just those times I was not ready to full on transition. Now...we have a son and she doesn't want to be a part of it. I don't blame her. I've been on and off trying to transition on on and off HRT I don't know how many times.

I truly and honestly had no idea I was TS until I was diagnosed as one sometime at the beginning of 2004. Even though I've had thoughts and issues since I was 5 or 6 years old. I thought I could fight it off. I never dreamed I would have to transition. I didn't know it would get worse and worse until I was to the point of despair and had lost all hope. I thought I could be different. I mean nobody really knows how bad it gets until they get there. I can't tell somebody else they will end up like me when they turn 41. Seems like that is the time period when everything changes.

The year my son was conceived, was a great year. Almost no GID at the forefront. Moments of weakness here and there but nothing like it is today.

I wear bra and panties daily. I don't have Sudo boobs, but real boobs. I need to be restrained. Tight fighting sports bra with no cups, t-shirt and a thick dark shirt with two breast pockets. Pair of Jeans, and size 8.5 boots from the ladies dept at Cabela's. That is my daily attire.

I'm on full reg of HRT. I don't blame my wife. I wouldn't blame her if she cut my throat in my sleep. I'd be f'n pissed too. I am pissed at me at times too. I wouldn't wish this ->-bleeped-<- on my worst enemy.

I'm lost, scared, and I don't know what to do. I feel better on HRT than I do off of it. I don't want to have to stop again. I really don't know what to do at this point. Things always change so I cannot believe this is written in stone. I just have to wait a while and keep losing the weight and keep taking the stuff and letting the chips fall where they may. I don't have any grandeur of delusions as to having the perfect transition. In fact, I'm pretty sure this one is going to hurt.

I have other issues we have Identified that are true issues. One is Paranoid Personality Disorder. There is no way in hell somebody can transition with that hanging over them. I have to fix that. I'm also a cutter. I keep it to the bottoms of my feet though. I hack them up and pick them to the point of where I'm bleeding and hobbled. Its a form of C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder) It's in my intro why I'm so f'd up. I have to fix the cutting as well.

I'm usually seen limping and put it off as cramps from riding my bike. Some days are worse than others. Right now I can stand and actually shower and get them wet without cringing. Other days I don't touch them. Maybe for a couple of weeks. Then, sometimes I get zoned out and literally destroy the bottoms of my feet.

I have to fix the paranoia. Its a major issue. My wife has plenty of reasons to leave. But I treat her well, take care of her and treat her and my kids well. I'm dependable and even though it bugs her that I'm constantly in contact with her because I'm paranoid, she has not left.

She cannot be married to a woman. Her choice. She's straight. She married a man. If I change that, then she will leave. She has every right to do so.

I question the dirty secret and being chicken ->-bleeped-<- about everybody knowing. That is not reality.

[sd]

I don't want to seem rude but why on earth does the wife have to seek the help of a therapy to get her through this, she didn't ask for this.

-={LR}=-

"For better or worse, til' death do us part", that was what she asked for.

A therapist can give her examples of those who have gone before and made it through okay. A therapist can offer advice on how and when to tell the children. Probably a whole lot more as well.

The biggest reason though is that she is in denial about how this will effect her family. This is her way of making it go away.

[Steph]

"For better or worse, til' death do us part", that was what she asked for.

A therapist can give her examples of those who have gone before and made it through okay. A therapist can offer advice on how and when to tell the children. Probably a whole lot more as well.

The biggest reason though is that she is in denial about how this will effect her family. This is her way of making it go away.

I'm sorry but "For better or worse" is an antiquated notion.  Additionally I doubt very much that there are many therapists out there who have had professional experience with this type of situation, there are some of course.

Also before I go further I will apologize to Lori for speaking about her family in front of her so to speak.

This staying together for the children's sake is both misguided and ill advised if one or both of their parents can't or don't want to live together anymore.  Children are not blind and are better raised in a loving caring relationship than a relationship of convenience.

-={LR}=-

[MeghanAndrews]

Also before I go further I will apologize to Lori for speaking about his family in front of her so to speak."

Huh? Can you clarify that sentence for us, LR?