Just I rework the manuscript of my biography. As a preface I wrote this letter to my deceased Mum, because she never got to know that I was trans. Here now my try of a "translation" of this letter:
Dear mum,
Yes, it is true what you read here!
In any case, the most important, and it would also have no sense to deny it. You became from that the goddess whom I love and in work magically in her name, thereby blessed; the fact that she from you the breath of the life took away, thus you all this what happened after your death in awful; all harm what I had to get to know, to you during your life remained concealed.
Indeed you have from the place where you are made now, everything get, and to you also your own thoughts.
At that time when you still lived, worlds lay between us, borders and walls whom I never dared to pass. Too much I was afraid of it, the picture which you had made to yourself from me, and to which I fulfilled in my core in no manner, not to destroy!
Rather I took the torture on me to live further in such a way, like you, my sister Regine, the Mormons and other people expectedit to me!
However now, because you are away from this earth, but never away from my heart and my thoughts, you should get to know from my mouth, that I, your "son"; that figure with you had dismissed me in the life, so radically has extinguished as it only was capable of medical art.
Nearly four decades I had to spend my life as prisoners in a male body, until I found, finally, the courage to spend my remaining life as a woman. What you didn't want to admit your whole life, now is already for some years certainty.
At that time I felt your internal desperation when you wanted to make me as a small child a ,,real man", and you noticed that all your experiments missed. At that time I was ashamed because I had disappointed you; and also even today I hear your dumb accusations, your reproaches, and those of the Mormons who wanted to sit together with you to court about me. The accusation of you, my sister Regine, my ex-wife Domenica and the children hard weighs, almost oppressive for me.
I would have challenged the destiny, would have reached for the stars,would have risked of my family egoisticly; and stolen me from the responsibility as a husband and father.
My life as a woman would mock the social norms, and the concepts of Self-determination right and Self-realization be pervert; my ex woman encourage of the stupid attaching by men; the divine order betray, and shake the western order in their basic!
But what have I done then bad to thus?
Finally, I have found the courage born in desperation to say to myself without limitation; and to take in hand my destiny, my life independently, and to never again be foreign-certain!
Not because I was selfish or frivolous; but in extreme need and desperation I put everything on a card, after I had led an eternal tiring and forces living fight against myself
In the time before it I had tried with all strength to adapt myself to the external conditions; and when I noticed, all beets, all reading in the mormon scriptures, and all observance of mormon commandments, nothing helped; if I decided as the last consequence after my second attempted suicide to undergo a gender-equalizing operation.
I have to owe to the doctors my life, because they have got to change my body in such a way that my soul feels with him unique.
Of course there are also conflicts, like everywhere which I must deliver either with myself or with other people. But they have become computable, and I can master them!
Since now I own this feeling of security and rest which allows to me to see more reserved to my own needs; and more the wishes and needs of other people can turn.
Mom, I know that you would never look at me as your daughter and understand; just a little as you could accept your love to another woman, or the hatred which you had on the father of my sister Regine.
But also you must understand, just as my sister, my ex wife, my children and the Mormons; the fact that their son, husband, father, and Elder is lost for ever, and will live never again! Now, because you know everything, I am able to do myself for the first time since me as a child in the sandbox played, lost and forget in my own small world, entrust you again a little bit completely.
You should find out how everything has begun; what I have felt on the way of for whom we had gone for a while together experienced, and have found out.
I will report so near as possible to you the truth, and also the matters don't hide which I would best hide before shame.
But also here there are the matters about which I may tell neither you nor somebody else ; and I will also hide these matters to protect myself and other people!
And here thus I have changed many names and places not to damage affected persons. I hope very much that my honest and open letter nobody may tempt into the fact that they use something against me from it. I am neither a martyr nor a fighter and men hater as the Mormons think. But only quite a normal woman with a not normal past, to itself nothing more ardently wishes, than to have, finally, her internal peace.
Your daughter
Linda
What would do you write to your Mum, if she didn't know?
