I'm insane.

[kisschittybangbang]

So. Everyone and their brother knows that Lex and I are completely over. But here's the thing. We've kept in contact, which has been crazy on me, and apparently he is giving up the one person who makes him feel like a man. I don't know what to think of that other than I DO THINK OF HIM AS A MAN. I dunno when it happened but lex is a GUY in my head. (the girl he chose thinks of him as a she, addresses him by his birth name, and I dunno how she'll take any of this) Because of that bit in parenthesis, at least I think so, he doesn't want me out of his life. He's said it again and again. and I don't want to leave him but I am. Today, we hung out because we needed to talk about our last fight. we did...kinda, but when it came down to it, it became my goodbye. He is aware of it too and got really upset, but I can't be around while she is and I can't just be his friend. You know?

Now here is the issue. I love this guy. I hated seeing him so upset. I caved. I text messaged him that I'd always be there for him and that I will be around if he needs me. it was stupid hard. All of this is hard. I hate it.

I feel pathetic, because essentially I was being played and anyone who reads this will think me insane, but I can't help it. I am insane.

I am going to be heading to the armed forces eventually. I think it'll be good for me. (He always hated the idea and he is aware of this too) I think it will be helpful for me to change environments and for me to have other things to focus on. I just don't know WHEN I will. Ugh. SO much to do.

But on a lighter note... I graduated High school....

[tekla]

Congrads on the high school, and I hope you pick the right service for you, and get the good training, not the non-training.  Choose wisely.

[Nero]

What Tekla said.
Also Kissy, I know you don't need me to tell you this, but you are selling out, hon. Don't be his fallback girl. As long as he think he's got you sitting pretty as a consolation prize on his shelf, he's going to keep you there.

[finewine]

What Tekla said.
Also Kissy, I know you don't need me to tell you this, but you are selling out, hon. Don't be his fallback girl. As long as he think he's got you sitting pretty as a consolation prize on his shelf, he's going to keep you there.

This is absolutely spot on correct!

When someone chases a new love, they often like to keep their options "open" with their old flame - especially when they know the old flame is still burning for them.  This gives them a greater sense of security when exploring a new relationship that they themselves know may not work out.  I also urge you not to let this happen!

The "let's be friends" after a split-up charade is just that - a charade.  It is possible to be friends with a former lover but only after sufficient time has passed for all the wounds to heal and for each of your hearts to "let go".

I know you love him and that's going to make it excrutiatingly difficult to be strong - but be strong!  I suspect that when he sees you hardening your emotional wall and preparing to move on, he'll play your heart strings like a harp to keep an opening with you.  Do not fall for it!  Sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to sever all contact, which is also hard but what do you prefer - short pain or long pain?

This situation is familiar to me because I've been there and also, to my shame, I've done what he's done in a previous relationship myself...and caused nothing but heartache all around.  I promise you that whatever pain you feel *will* ease with time as your heart heals.

Good luck and if ever you feel your resolve weakening, we're here for you.

-J

[Feever]

I wouldnt worry about it too much.  If you do join the military, as you intend, you will soon be too busy to worry about it anyway.  Also, women in the military can be quite popular, as long as you arent to butch.

I think this will work itself out.

[NicholeW.]

The thing I have noticed about people is that we often have "fallback girls and guys." People we feel safe with as a home base while we explore others.

Don't rend your own heart as being "stoopid" or "a fallback girl." You care for this person and also understand you're being played. You have your own sense of self to develop and realize as worthy and important. That's the part you can get through and that we and others will try to support you in reaching, Kiss.

Congrats on the diploma. And good luck on the military service. I agree with tekla in the notion you should try to get an MOS that will actually give you something worthwhile for you while you're giving the military your life for a few years. Or, perhaps you'll find that you wish to remain in. (Lots of us didn't but some people do and not all of them are morons.)

The thing you've got to do regarding Lex is to both protect your heart and allow it to grow and thrive, honor it's leanings while taking care of it. That can be a hard thing for anyone to do. Draw you boundaries, most especially those you really don't want to draw just yet and keep them in place.

You can understand him and even support him in some respects while not losing yourself. It takes effort and determination, but I believe you have enough of both to get through this.

N~

[Starr]

There's nothing crazy about being in love with someone and finding it hard to let go. As the others have said though, you don't want to set yourself up to be someone convenient for him. You deserve much better than that. With time and distance, you might get to a point where you can be friends with him again, but for right now it will only cause you more heartache. He made his choice; make him live with it now. I'm not trying to sound cold, but my concern is for you, not him.

[kisschittybangbang]

You all rock, did ya know that?

ummm with lex, I've deleted him off interest sites that have friends lists and what not and I took his numbers off my phone and I'm determined to not go see him or anything. Hard especially since he keeps AIM instant messaging me.

As for military services, I'm going to go into the Airforce. I want to go in for linguistics training. (Hopefully my test scores will give me catergory 4 ranking and I'll get to pick what languages I learn)I'm  NOT butch. Granted, I'm a little tomboyish, but i'm definately not a butch.

Ugh. I'm trying to be strong in all this, because I know its just me getting played if I let it happen. and if I keep letting crap like this happen, its my fault. lol. Anybody want to go out to lulas and save my sanity over coffee?? (its not an actual invitation lol. just me being funny)

[tekla]

Well, if you get through basic, and your good enough to be sent to Monterey let me know.  You'll find it most beautiful.

[Jay]

Well done for graduating high school

but I can't be around while she is and I can't just be his friend. You know?

You have done the right thing, I have tried this many of times and it just gets me more hurt and really isn't worth it you know in your heart that you can't possibly do this at the moment maybe in the future but not right now.

Jay

[kisschittybangbang]

He gave me up. He let me go for me. I've been talking to him via AIM and he let me go for me. I'm free guys. I'm free. its hurts so much but I know I'm free. I'm really free. I can move forward now. Parts of me don't want to and he knew that and when I asked him to do it for me, to actually let me go for me, He did.  Even though he wanted me to stay. he let me go. I'm smiling and crying at the same time. I'm gonna miss him so much, but I have nothing to turn back to. I can't look back now. He let me go! Thank you Lex. Thank you.

[Feever]

YAY!

[Jay]

w00t to freedom!

Jay

[phantom_heart]

Hey, I know its going to hurt for a while him letting you go and all. Lift your head and smile through the pain. It will pass. Stay strong your a great person!!

[NicholeW.]

As for military services, I'm going to go into the Airforce. I want to go in for linguistics training. (Hopefully my test scores will give me catergory 4 ranking and I'll get to pick what languages I learn)

The 4 must be easier to get than one would expect. I got better than that back in 1977 and was able to choose which language. So how hard can it be? I'm sure you'll have no trouble with it.

As for Monterey? tekla's right, you're gonna love it. Really neat to sit in one of the Presidio classrooms in the afternoon and watch the fog roll in across the bay. It's like you're watching the edge of the world get closer and closer. And it happens, or did back then, almost every day.

Where were the Zoomies back then? I think up on the crest of the post just before the fence separating Pacific Grove from the Presidio. Fantastic views!!

Monterey is lovely as are Carmel and Pacific Grove and DLI doesn't ever feel much like the "real" military, 'cept for maybe the Marines who're there.

Lucky woman. Of course, being "free" may be a fleeting experience once you're in.

Nichole

[kisschittybangbang]

well airforce has 4 categories with which to seperate the level of difficulty. If you test high enough to learn catergory 4 you can learn whatever you choose, but since arabic is category 4 I will probably have to take that if the war is still going on... -.-;; but my friend Zak could help me out. lol.

and I am smiling through it all. I smiled when it happened and being free is kind of weird. I will admit that I am a little bitter since he texted me later that night and has been aim messaging me anyway, so we are still in contact, but I guess its inevitable. I still care too much to ignore him. -.-;

He and I were on the phone today... yes we are apparently ok with that... *eyeroll* and I told him I was on Susans and he was all "Oh I'll get on and see." and started going into the SO forums and I was all, "Please don't" and he didn't listen and then I was "Out of respect for me, just dont" and he took offense to that. ugh. granted he did stay out, but he had a hissy fit. All of This is getting annoying.

And its annoying how if he isn't ready for something its taboo, but if I say something is upsetting or hurtful he is all "lighten up" or something along those lines. Ugh. I swear he's more self absorbed then ever. Its like the person I knew and fell in love with really has died. He's changed so much.

BUT enough about him.

That area does sound magnificent. I must admit, the hot muggy air in indiana right now is not making this girl happy. -.-; especially with no AC. Earth friendly, but not KCBB appealing.

but, I am excited about alot going on lately. Old friends are popping up. its nice to hear from them.