Virtually certain losses when transitioning

[NicholeW.]

It's kinda odd. I've started to think that if one was alone and non-social when they began to transition that they often remain that way afterwards. It's not like it's the holy grail that somehow makes the world right and aligned and brings the spring flowers.

It was always about personal comfort and congruity. I thought for the longest time I was losing very much. But that hasn't borne out.

I "lost" a sister and some relatives. The sister and I are in contact again, most of the relatives were distant anyhow and I hadn't actually had much contact with them in years anyhow.

I lost a job. That sucked, but opened other opportunities that I might not have been in a position to attain had I not transitioned. I lost a marriage that was also not as huge a deal as it had seemed at the time. We still talk, but the truth is she seems much happier with her current mate and I am definitely happier with my partner.

I have a fairly large group of friends, mostly female, that I prolly would have had no opportunity to be around had I not transitioned. Oddly, the place that terminated/I resigned from called last week and was sniffing around about me returning to work for them.

Loss of respect? I dunno. Men and women are certainly on different planes in our society/culture. It is what it is. I was never much interested in being "the authoritative voice and presence" before. I've learned that what ever "authority" we possess and are given seems to come from the ways we live our lives, not from how we "boss" others about or how well we "demand" respect.

Confidence, comfort and being attuned to one's own life often bring that kind of stuff in its wake anyhow, without making a lot of fuss about it. *shrug*

The only thing I really "lost" was what I could not only afford to lose, but needed to lose: the of living a life that wasn't my own. I'm not seeing that that was a loss, rather a gain. Along with pretty much everything else I can think of.

N~ 

[Dawn D.]

Hhhmmmm, reputation and respect? Two things earned and admired. And, as has been stated, so easily lost. But, does the loss have to be associated with transitioning? I guess, maybe. Then again it could be that one was already losing the two and didn't know it beforehand. Just a thought.

As for myself, I was not too long ago at a local support group meeting. One in which a trans woman arrived whom I had never met nor seen before. The topic of the day was in fact "what struggles we have gone through in transitioning". A statement she made at the time has stuck with me and I actually took some offence to it. She said, "If your going to transition, you must understand that you have to give up everything in order to be successful". Followed by, " That includes family, friends, job.......everything. There is no other way. You will not succeed otherwise". That is vertually a verbatum quote. It was more an implication that "you will lose everything. No if, ands or buts about it".

I left there feeling as though she was actually directing her comments towards me personally. Since just prior I had been telling of how good, things were going in my transition (I had not yet gone full time). Her statement left me a bit troubled inside. Was I fooling myself that I could keep all of my friendships and associations I had built over a lifetime? This has been a goal of mine after all.

When I returned home, I had a long conversation with my wife over what had been said. We evaluated our own lives and where we stood now as opposed to where we were just a few short years ago. We both agreed, she must be in a very miserable and lonely situation. One in which she either did not recieve or was not able to garner a support system. Hence the belief that she expressed.

What's this got to do with it. Well, as luck would have it my being full time came sooner than either my wife or I had expected. It has been over a month now and I have to say, it has been nothing short of fantastic. Both in regards to business and friendships, I have worked hard for the respect and reputaion that I have and, I continue to work just as hard..............no, harder now in order to keep the two. I own my own business, which my wife and I both spent a lot of our lives and money turning it into a successful venture. My wife no longer works with me, but, she is still very concerned and involved in making decisions about it. When I first came in full time, I held my breath waiting for the "OMG, run out of here quick" responses from customers and,...............................it never happened. In fact it would seem that business over the last month plus has been getting better. People, when they come in, find me easier to work with and that maybe I listen to their issues with more sincerity. I dunno.....

All I can offer is, I think it is all in our attitude and confidence as to what we win or lose. It may as well, involve how close you are to those who you interact with on a day to day basis. I know I have some trouble coming from aunts and uncles and, maybe some cousins thrown in for good measure. However, I haven't yet been afforded the opportunity to offer my arguement. We'll see after that. As for others around me (business or otherwise) I have really seen no difference in respect nor have I yet heard that I am unworthy of having a fine reputation that I enjoyed when I was all male. Now I may not get invited out to the next beer fest with the "guys", but then again I have more of a champaign taste these days anyway, lol. In my life, I'm convinced it all comes down to attitude and confidence in myself. After all, I am the same person inside that everyone has always known. I will not let that develop into a negative outcome because of how they now see me on the outside!


Dawn     

[juliekins]

Yes, we all lose things and reputation and respect are high on the list.  Maybe if people knew how much courage it takes to transition in the face of an unaccepting society their respect for us would rise.

[Princess Katrina]

I don't know if it's the direction I travelled or the particular circumstances of my life, but I found I gained in both areas, among people I know, clients and colleagues. I had a number of people tell me how brave I was, and now that it's past, people seem to have forgotten about it and just treat me as a regular guy.

Dennis

This has more been my experience as well, but then...


I know that in my case, I had a pretty bad reputation before I transitioned. I was angry, bitchy, and antisocial. The only people who did respect me respected me for my intelligence, and that respect is unaffected by my gender (my gender only seems to affect how smart people initially think I am when they meet me, before they get to see my intelligence in action).

Since I started hormones, and particularly since I started living as a woman full-time, I've stopped being angry, bitchy, and moody. I'm far more civil, polite, calm/cheerful, and outgoing. People who knew me before transition have been amazed at this change in me and even those who initially opposed the idea have changed their views, unable to deny the amazingly positive effect it's had in my life.

Honestly, I think I've only lost one thing in transitioning, and that's my sister.