Virtually certain losses when transitioning

[Julie Marie]

We all are concerned about what we'll lose when we decide to transition.  What you actually do lose is dependent on your particular situation.  But there are two things that seem almost a certainty when it comes to losses: reputation and respect.

A good reputation takes a long time to build but only a second to destroy.  Practically every one I know lost their good reputation with the majority of people in their life.  Not everyone will tell you that to your face but you can tell by their actions, even if it's simple avoidance.

Respect is another casualty from transitioning.  Non-TGs usually think you're nuts if you transition, especially if it's MTF.  What could be worse than a man becoming a woman?  Again, almost everyone I know lost respect from family, friends and co-workers.

That's really sad when you think about it.  We are still the same people who built up that good reputation and earned that respect but because we are trans we lose it in a heartbeat.

Julie

[Cyndigurl45]

You are so correct, perhaps we shouldn't hang the transexual label on ourselves and just leave it at a transistioning woman M2F or man F2M simply because that could apply to GG's and GM's as well a GG could be transistioning from adolesent to teen or 20's to 30's you get it, we are changing our physical state of being just as a GG or GM would, and then maybe we wouldn't lose anything we don't want to.

[kody2011]

true true...and it sucks!!!

[Dennis]

I don't know if it's the direction I travelled or the particular circumstances of my life, but I found I gained in both areas, among people I know, clients and colleagues. I had a number of people tell me how brave I was, and now that it's past, people seem to have forgotten about it and just treat me as a regular guy.

Dennis

[Cyndigurl45]

Dennis I suppose it has to do with how our society views men in general, our male driven society has a very different outlook on there fellow man as such has a certain level of respect, this is very obvious the further south you travel in the US particulaly your Dixie states   

[Miniar]

On the other hand, we gain the respect of those who actually are able to think logically and have a decent understanding of how hard it is to transition. And we gain the reputation of "being willing to go through hell to be true to ourselves" which is more than a Lot of people can say they are.

[FairyGirl]

I don't know if it's the direction I travelled or the particular circumstances of my life, but I found I gained in both areas, among people I know, clients and colleagues. I had a number of people tell me how brave I was, and now that it's past, people seem to have forgotten about it and just treat me as a regular guy.

Dennis

I have so far found this to be true as well.. at least I have had many of my friends comment to me how brave I am to do this and that in itself has given them a new respect for what I am doing. I have also made quite a few new friends as a result of transitioning. I'm sure I've gained exponentially more than I've lost or "given up", all things considered. I have never thought of it in terms of what I would lose (other than that obvious "thing" I'll be glad to be rid of), just considered what I would gain. Maybe it has to do with our attitude about "loss" and "gain". Some things I have been well glad to lose.

And, I live in Nashville, right down in ol' Dixie.

[Cyndigurl45]

Compared to where I live Nashville is far, far north

[FairyGirl]

Compared to where I live Nashville is far, far north

yeah too far north for me in the winter lol 

[ArleneTgirl]

I read all of the posts on this thread and nod my head yes.  I have nothing to add, other than the fact that I live North (Michigan)

[Dennis]

Dennis I suppose it has to do with how our society views men in general, our male driven society has a very different outlook on there fellow man as such has a certain level of respect, this is very obvious the further south you travel in the US particulaly your Dixie states

I suspect you're right and that in many areas, that does play a part. People can see why a woman would "want" to be a man, but they can't see why a man would "want" to be a woman. Which shows a basic lack of understanding of why people transition. It's hardly something you want, like a new sweater.

Dennis

[Janet_Girl]

Many of the guys I work with have quit talking to me, because I am transitioning.  But there are many that look at me has being so brave to do it.  I guess that I realized that this might happen. 

But they are both just another that we can lose to be true to ourselves.

Janet

[ArleneTgirl]

I work in an industry (Steel), that is male dominated.  I have made my reputation as a male (of course), and it was a total suprise when I transitioned and came out.  I have been accepted by the trade, both on the customer and supply side, although I'm sure there are a lot of comments made behind my back.  My employees are so supportive, although typical.  The day before I came out to them, I was avoiding a supplier, and when he called, i didn't want to talk to him.  One of my guys said, "tell him he's having a sex change".  Little did they know, and wondered why i was laughing so hard.  When I told them the next day, they apologized, but I thought it was hilarious.  They had no idea, and never noticed the plucked eye-brows.  Honestly, one of my pleasures is coming out to people who knew me, or at least though they did.

[Ell]

yeah, loss of respect and status was pretty noticeable, but also, over time, some people who were formerly fake friends have become real friends.

it's like, they didn't really connect with me before, and now, they can really speak from the heart. it's very strange. but it's not all bad.

-ell

[ArleneTgirl]

yeah, loss of respect and status was pretty noticeable, but also, over time, some people who were formerly fake friends have become real friends.

it's like, they didn't really connect with me before, and now, they can really speak from the heart. it's very strange. but it's not all bad.

-ell

I have that experience in a couple instances as well, but found that so many more of the people I thought were friends turned out not to be.  Their loss, because I am so much more interesting now.

[Michelle.]

Everything in life has both costs and benefits.

When the benefits outweigh the costs it's time, IMO, to begin transition.
Post Merge: May 29, 2009, 10:49:23 PM
Too bad the costs aren't all tax dedcutible.

[miniangel]

While some truly goodhearted people may struggle to wrap their heads around the idea of someone transitioning, I reckon that, in general, if you lose respect and your reputation in the eyes of some people, their opinion is probably not worth worrying about.  The people who respect you are the people who are worth knowing. The rest can go jump.

[stacyB]

That's really sad when you think about it.  We are still the same people who built up that good reputation and earned that respect but because we are trans we lose it in a heartbeat.

This can take several different paths... Business, friends and family, wife and kids.

Friends and family are the toughest on our hearts and souls, because these people make up the core of our existance. Unless you are emotionally tied to work, its the personal relationships that really matter. I think its impossible to predict who respect/accept a trans person and who wont... seems like those we think we can rely on abandon us, and those that we are sure will abandon rally to our side...

No matter what, when we lose respect from loved ones, its going to hurt... hurt like hell. It wont be like a bandage being torn off either... more like a wound with salt being poured into it. But by the same token, those that stand by us... they will provide a large measure of relief and validation. We will know who we can count on when the chips are down.

BTW, reputation does play into the personal relationships as well. Some will see you as a degenerate or sexual deviant, and they wont think twice of trashing your reputation as a trusted adult...

Next comes work... We want to believe that business people are smart and will measure their reactions by pure business sense and not prejudice. Sadly, some people dont behave that way. There are people who make bad decisions because of arrogance, guile, jealousy, greed, lust, pettiness... the list goes on. But this has little to do with transitioning, and more to do with the character of the people we come in contact with in our daily lives. Some can see beyond their own preconceived notions... Will everyone behave that way? Who can really say...

Wife and kids... well, I dont have to expound on that one. Prolly been more written here in these posts than can be related anyways... its gone both ways. Your mileage may vary...

But Im thinking... ok, lets say thats true. Does that mean to abandon ship, give up all hope of ever getting to the end? Everyone has to answer that for themselves... The only measure to go by becomes... when does the pain of GID significantly exceed the fear of losing all that is dear to you? And how much can any of us know what will happen?

Not simple questions or simple answers. Everyone of us must work through that in our heads. Because in the end its up to us, and us alone, to define our happiness...

Sorry, I guess that brings us full circle...

[Dennis]

I think you have good points, Julie. I couldn't have transitioned until I accepted that I may lose work, family, marriage, and friends. When I got to the stage where my need to transition exceeded the possible pain of those losses (which, I gotta confess, was about two weeks after realizing what had been wrong for so long), then I did. As soon as I realized what had been wrong, I thought about all that had meant so much to me and realized this meant more.

It all worked out well for me. It doesn't always for everyone. You have to be prepared to take those losses. And respect, dignity, anonymity can also be lost.

Dennis

[Cindy]

I've had no problems with close friends and family but I've had a strange reply from a close GG friend, who is very highly respected, and at the top 10 percentile in her industry. We have known each other for  about 20 yrs, but with me as pretend male. Since I came out to her, she has invited me as Cindy to social events with her friends, whom I didn't know. She knows I don't live full time as yet, because of work related issues. She knows I go out socially and shop etc as Cindy. Her comment was; being what you want is all well and good but once your medical colleagues know about Cindy you are finished professionally. I really don't think you should go out as Cindy in case some one recognises you.
I know from conversation that she had no idea of TG issues. She was amazed that FtM exist (funny reversal on some ealier posts, Dennis and others). She uses male pronouns to me on the phone etc, but not when I have been with her socially as Cindy, then she tends to use gender neutral terms.

I don't have any problem with this but I thought I would add it to the thread as an experience we may discuss and learn from.

Cindy