Quote from: Stacy Brahm on June 08, 2009, 05:26:29 PM
Ive had no trouble passing when out in public. Ive have no problem with new friends Ive made, or in telling people who have no preconceived notions of my past. I have no trouble interacting with strangers. It all just feels right...
I've been procrastinating (dreading?) coming out to those in the close circle of friends and family I grew up with. I am already familiar with the religous dogma and the preconceived notions of everything from gender to marriage to life, as this was the way I grew up. It took me years to break free of the chains, and much of this cant be pinned on religion alone. Im caught between "knowing" what to expect and not giving the the chance... the whole notion of "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is easy on paper, difficult in practice...
I wish you could see how far Ive come in the last few years. Ive had to tackle self image and self acceptance on top of other demons Ive had to come face to face with. And yes, I know you've all been there -- wouldnt make much sense to seek out support from those that havent been under fire. It wasnt even until this year that I finally realized this was even possible.
I suppose thats the real kick in the head. I have read other posts, and with some, even though not on this forum, watched them succeed. Intellectually I know all of this... I also know its not the actual outcome, its the sense of not being in control.
So Ive ammased all of this knowlegde and struggled for years to get here... why cant I then make my emotions match what I logically know to be true? Im betting that after the fact I will look back on this go "what the hell was I worried about?". But till then...
I wish I had seen all of that as well.
I can only tell you that "being able to practice what I know or have logically accepted" is hard for all of us, I think.
No one knows beforehand that she, or he, is going to "pass." Impossible to know stuff #1. I'm sure I am not the only person who transitioned and discovered that almost all of my "fear & worry" about that aspect were exactly and positively unfounded. I was lucky in terms of genetic qualities passed along from my parents as far as being able to transition physically was concerned. (Just by the way your avatar looks my guess is that you are also so blessed and fortunate.) Others are fortunate to have or be able to eventually afford surgeries and assistance that allow them to do the exact same thing.
But, even with Dr. O or Dr. Z or Dr. S doing their magic the people who use them and those of us who don't still spend a lot of time worrying about how things will go. That's a long time process that finally life itself works out for us. We tend to forget that as an every day worry as we find it occurs either not at all or extremely infrequently at most.
I think prolly none of us just look in a mirror or have really supportive and truthful friends and acquaintances who "make" us see the logical part of that. It's something that happens is all.
Same thing with presentation and behaviors. Impossible to know stuff #2. For some it all "seems to come naturally" and for others we spend a lot of time and effort to effect that re-conditioning. But, it's all a time-process insofar as becoming "convinced" within one's self that the deal's done and we place that aspect of transition behind us.
With family and close friends it's that same deal. Some of us have family and friends (who at least sometimes, some of them) are not only accepting, but also who get to that notion that we suddenly (none of this ever seems to happen "suddenly"
) make all the sense in the world to them when we've been a conundrum before!
When I say "Impossible to know stuff" there are hundreds of those. They are impossible to logically and rationally just
know. None of us actually, I think if we own the truth, just "know" this through reading & hearing the experiences of others.
Instead we incorporate, over time, our own experiences until our own experiences teach us that these are things we need no longer worry about. It's not logical and, imo, cannot be learned and incorporated the way the line-up at Woodstock or Lilithfaire or the order of service at Mass can be incorporated through a catechism or through memorization of a set list.
Instead it is something that occurs through time and experience and in that regard, just as you have made tremendous progress toward becoming Stacy in the past few years, it cannot be "logical" or "taught" in any other way.
It simply becomes part of any of us, kinda like the way we "find" a workplace we only started coming to a year ago has become first nature over the course of that year. You can read maps, listen to instructional tapes, etc, but until you do it and incorporate it through living it you don't feel sure or confident about it, no matter how good and experienced the person telling you the way is.
I mean, think about it, when was the last time you got lost and couldn't find where a workplace was that you spent more than a year working at?
N~
