The rant of a hopeless lonely ftm

[Jonny]

being ftm in the bible belt sucks ass. I feel like everything is so hopeless and worthless. I try to submerge myself into the trans community. I want just one ftm friend I can talk to.  Someone who understands exactly where I'm coming from but all of them shun me. I really do wish my mother had just aborted me. The only comfort I can find comes from my trans-sisters. I am beginning to truely feel like there is no brotherhood to be had amoung transmen. It's emo-y and whiney thats why we call them rants. I kinda feel like I've been holding my hand out waiting for that one friend to come along. I see someone I used to get really hopeful. I'd smile and wave, they'd spit on me and keep walking past towards the cool kids. Now I see someone I hardly get any hope at all. I want to make friends but at the same time I really want to pull away and just forget it.





"I'm looking for a ftm friend. My name's Jonny, I'm bisexual. I live kinda androgynously while still leaning a bit towards my unphysical gender. I am a person who believes that men should be allowed to wear makeup and dresses comfortably in society if that is who they are just as much as women are allowed to wear pants and short hair without being frowned upon. I thought and researched long and hard about hormones and surgery before deciding that I feel it is not the best option for me personally. I think it is because of this decision that alot of other ftms scoff at me and classify me as a fake ftm which hurts quite a bit. It's hard finding ftm friends to begin with but I am very lucky that my trans-sisters accept me for who I am and respect my personal decisions."


Am I the only person out there that feels this lonely? I have a vagina therefore I obviously don't know what it's like to be a guy. I'm not going through with surgery therefore I obviously am only saying this for attention and don't understand what it's like to be transgendered. People like me are horrible because we claim to be something without understanding what its like. I've never been beaten by my parents because I tried to be a little boy. I don't know what it's like to have girls laugh at and mock me because I was gross and wierd. I don't know what it's like to be beaten up by the boys because I have a vagina and I should know my place is in a pink kitchen. I've never looked down at my crotch and cried because I felt so incomplete. I've never passed a men's shaving kit with the silent eternal want to grow facial hair. I've never been forced into wearing dresses and frilly bows that made me feel socially uncomfortable and humiliated. I've never questioned my sexual orientation because of a conflict between body and mind. I've never considered suicide because nobody understood me. I'll never know what it's like to be a man born into a woman's body.


Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, empty and pointless.



*Puts "it's" hand out and sighs*

[Nero]

<shakes Jonny's hand>

Welcome Jonny. From what I can digest of that, you're trans and you don't think you've earned it? Nobody 'earns' being trans, we just are.

[Jonny]

-shakes back- Thank you

Yeah I've been feeling very rejected in the transmen community since I've been trying to slowly come out about who I am.

I just want to wait and see where the future of phalloplasty goes. As for hormones, a therapist on my salary!? It's important to me but so is being alive and having a roof over my head.

[kody2011]

- As for hormones, a therapist on my salary!? It's important to me but so is being alive and having a roof over my head.

Some places will base price off of your income...oh yeah I almost forgot-*shakes hand*

[Jonny]

Oh I never heard about that. I might have to look into that sounds like it could be helpful

[Sandy]

If you don't mind, I'd like to shake your hand too, Johnny.

You have many friends here.

You are not alone.

-Sandy

[Flan]

That practice is sliding scale (fees), finding a therapist who goes by income can be hard depending on location, but a medical clinic that offers low/no cost services to low income people is relatively easy to find in most any large city.

[Mister]

I am beginning to truely feel like there is no brotherhood to be had amoung transmen.

True statement.  There may be some sort of alliance of pre- and early- transition folks, but after they pass, the majority go on with their lives. 

[Jonny]

I've thought about hormones before. It might help me to see a therapist but I'm still not sure whether hormones are right for me. It's more of a social thing really. Rejection of Work, Family, and Friends and I'm still kind of trying to piece my life together one step at a time. I guess I'm still trying to get my footing in life before throwing in another factor. I feel like I'm doing good though so far. As a teenager I wanted to grow facial hair. I tried that thing of shaving my face and armpits to make the hair grow in more and thicker but it didn't work. I know now that that's sort of just a myth. I've done alot of weird things especially during the pains of puberty. I probably wouldn't do hormones at least not at this point in my life. Do you think that makes me less trans?

[kody2011]

I've thought about hormones before.

I probably wouldn't do hormones at least not at this point in my life. Do you think that makes me less trans?

absoultly not...if you feel comfortable not taking hormones, then that's what's right for you.

[Jonny]

absoultly not...if you feel comfortable not taking hormones, then that's what's right for you.

Thanks, that puts a little more ease on my mind. It's not so much that I don't want to but it would be a big change for me and alot to handle at this time. It gets hard sometimes but I feel like I can live as a man in a cute chick's body. I kinda feel like even though there's still alot of hard things to get over the worst part of my life is over.


But seriously my family is completely nuts. I'll stay hidden inside my cozy rainbow closet. I can't come out and do any of this (hormones & maybe someday in the future of medical science phalloplasy <-  ) until the coast is completely clear.

[Autumn]

I think that transmen get swept up in male culture. Very every man for himself, ridiculing of anything resembling weakness, no emotion except anger, always fronting their masculinity thing. Not to say that everyone does, but if you take a group of female friends and a group of male friends and see how they interact together, the women will in general be warm and men will sound like a bunch of enemies a lot of the time. And yes, southern males can be the best and worst. Country women can be surprisingly awful too. We should all leave jesusland for the coasts.

Never get caught up in the 'trannier than thou' pissing competition that occurs in other forums.

Plus, you sound pretty young. Even though you'll see a couple of people here who are just turning 18 and getting hormones and treatment and all sorts (the lucky brats), it's a tiny minority. I didn't consider actually transitioning until about 4 months ago and I've been living completely androgynously or more for 2 years, after coping with GID throughout my teenage years.

[Jonny]

LoL Trannier than thou pissing contest. Definately not what I'm here for. I am kinda young, kinda new to this scene. I joined this forum so I could find help and support. I've been trying to find places or groups in my local area that help/accept transgender people. With no luck at all so far. It's a bit disappointing. I think I'd really like to find a cheap/free therapist and make some friends as well in my area but so far my efforts have been letting me down. I really don't know what more I can do. Dead websites, No email replies. I'm still waiting for somebody to get in touch with me about something. Am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong?