Suicide

[Jessica]

In other words, if you had 25 things that could go wrong throughout the course of the day, the likelyhood of all 25 things going wrong--or even all 25 things going right...

Individual Perception of Events.

It is not a 50/50 chance that things go right or wrong. It is how you perceive those events.

Example:
Someone comes over to your house, and you may think fantastic! A friend I can spend some time with! (positive)

Someone comes over to my house and I think, *(&@# I have to wake up and go answer the door. (negative)

....

I know.  Don't bother saying it.  I've heard it a thousand times before, happiness is a decision. *sigh*

Jessica

[Julie Marie]

Alice, if it pops up again, just ignore it.  While you may not feel comfortable with this subject, others have been helped by open discussion about it.

Genevieve, thank you so very much for your kind words.  When I read your reply I got goosebumps.  This forum has given me a lot and when I know I have given something back it completes the cycle.

Julie

[Bob]

Well Said Julie!

Bob....

Posted on: November 08, 2006, 07:02:29 PM

Jessica, you have to realize that the worse things are the more likely they are to get better.  It's simple statistics.

Melissa

WOOT ! There ya GO Melissa !
Cheer !

Bob........

[Melissa]

Last weekend my neibour said she would not of coped if I had done that - if some so close to her had gone and done that to her again (she lost a close relative to suside) she would be been detroyed. I look at what as happened the last week here at Susans and know other would feel the same if someone close to them took that option.

I'm glad you're ok. 

A word of advice... If everything feels hopeless and you feel you must die, wait 1 day before taking any action.  A lot can change in that day.  Also, call up a friend and talk.  There will ALWAYS be somebody who would rather blow off everything and talk to you as long as you need rather than see anything ever happen to you. 

Please listen to the song "How to Save a Life" by The Fray.  That song makes me go into tears everytime I hear it.  I have been too close to suicide too many times.  I imagine it as a friend singing it to me after I had committed suicide.

Just for your convenience, here's the video and lyrics:


Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

Melissa

[Ricki]

Julie i wanted to respond i started last night and something happened and my browser started updating and deleted half my post.. Arrggghhhhh....
Anyway a little post back you said

Ricki, your experience made me wonder if, for those of us who have family and friends who think we're screwed up in the head, would our successful suicide only support their misinformed beliefs?

and it made me think to......
I avoid arguements but living with dearest mother well they are always around the corner...No matter what you do or say for me it comes back to gender like if i am in one of those quieter moods she'll say whats a matter bad day at work yesterday I say "no" its other stuff and she sighs "oh okay well then".. and the subject changes to cookies or local news or my nephew, or whatever!.. TaDaaaaaaaaaaa  my psychology major relatives ways of dealing!
But in heated discussions which we do not have much if i make the fatal mistake of saying you know one of these days i may just leave and be gone!!!!!!!!
She'll say you know if you wanna kill yourself go ahead...
and after reading your reply julie you are right, i do not think they ever would want me to but if i did (i did but it failed, anyway) it successfully, you're right on;  it would be the "well he had a bunch of issues and he could not deal with them" and i see this lie coming too.. We did everything we could do to help him!!!!!!!!  I'm telling you i see that people are not perfect and my family would not just say ya we ignored him and made an abomination out of him they'd lie and say ya we did everything we could!!
shame shame!
anyway thanks Julie I appreciate posts/replies that make me continue to think or think more on a subject!
Alice if you do see this i apologize i know its not the most favorite topic to discuss but if this site was full of embroidery and crochet would we really all be talking or dealing straight on with things that are realities to some of us still???
Again sorry though cause i do understand!  Believe me i have trouble to this day watching movies where people are getting shot close up but....I cannot stop people from making the movies!
hugs
Ricki

[Julie Marie]

Ricki, when I have asked to be removed from this earth (no one listened!) the thoughts going through my head typically are

"I'm hurting those who love me.  I have to end this"

"I can't stand alone against an entire society." 

"I don't belong in this world." 

I could go on and on, but I know you get the idea. 

What prevails here is negative thinking.  That thinking is the result of buying into all the things I have been told are true, most of which have no proof, reasoning, logic or common sense backing them up.  It's the "that's just the way it is" response.  I used to shrug my shoulders and say, "Yeah, you're right."  The brainwashing was successful.  Not anymore.

Unhappiness never comes from the situation you are in but rather from your thoughts about that situation.  When you engage in positive thinking your world magically changes.  I can attest to that being true.  But we keep getting sucked into the mainstream beliefs that, if we buy into them, will ultimately send us into a state of despair.  We know who we are but the countless people around us who profess to love us tell us we are wrong.  And the reality is so they can make us like them and feel good about themselves.  Then if they fail and find themselves at our funeral they can say, "Gosh, what a shame!  He had so much going for him.  But he was so unstable.  I mean, thinking he was a woman?  I did all I could."  Yeah, I can see it.  My family would be right there. 

Well, I have decided to live!  But that's not enough.  This Christmas I plan to attend the family get together I was not invited to (for the first time in my life) as Julie.  My focus is to make sure they don't try to make a circus event out of me.  But surely some will try.  So I have to keep my wits about me.

As for your mom, she knows what's bothering you.  Parents can read their kids all too well.  That she takes the conversation to harmless subjects such as cookies tells you she doesn't want to "go there".  She and my mom would get along just great.  Don't let it concern you though.  She's just coping the best she can with the tools she has.  Maybe someday she'll come around.  My gut instinct is she already knows you will one day fulfill your dreams. 

I'm so happy you have shared yourself here.  It's given me the opportunity to meet another truly amazing person!  It's so refreshing!  Thank you!

Julie

[Bob]

Julie i wanted to respond i started last night and something happened and my browser started updating and deleted half my post.. Arrggghhhhh....
Anyway a little post back you said

Ricki, your experience made me wonder if, for those of us who have family and friends who think we're screwed up in the head, would our successful suicide only support their misinformed beliefs?

and it made me think to......
I avoid arguements but living with dearest mother well they are always around the corner...No matter what you do or say for me it comes back to gender like if i am in one of those quieter moods she'll say whats a matter bad day at work yesterday I say "no" its other stuff and she sighs "oh okay well then".. and the subject changes to cookies or local news or my nephew, or whatever!.. TaDaaaaaaaaaaa  my psychology major relatives ways of dealing!
But in heated discussions which we do not have much if i make the fatal mistake of saying you know one of these days i may just leave and be gone!!!!!!!!
She'll say you know if you wanna kill yourself go ahead...
and after reading your reply julie you are right, i do not think they ever would want me to but if i did (i did but it failed, anyway) it successfully, you're right on;  it would be the "well he had a bunch of issues and he could not deal with them" and i see this lie coming too.. We did everything we could do to help him!!!!!!!!  I'm telling you i see that people are not perfect and my family would not just say ya we ignored him and made an abomination out of him they'd lie and say ya we did everything we could!!
shame shame!
anyway thanks Julie I appreciate posts/replies that make me continue to think or think more on a subject!
Alice if you do see this i apologize i know its not the most favorite topic to discuss but if this site was full of embroidery and crochet would we really all be talking or dealing straight on with things that are realities to some of us still???
Again sorry though cause i do understand!  Believe me i have trouble to this day watching movies where people are getting shot close up but....I cannot stop people from making the movies!
hugs
Ricki

Ofcorse Riki  because Derest Mother is fighting you every step of the way...  she is still thinking it a "THING" a Faze your going through... she hasn't accepted your condition as an AILMENT or a birth-defect ... to her is something of a preversion, she doesn't understand YET.... when she does she'll stop fighting you !
...
right now she's trying her damdest to get you back on the STRIGHT path.... she thinks you'll get over it .... she is hopeing it will just go away...
...
again what your fighting here is ignarance... You must educate her SHE still doesn't understand... you can tell that by her actions.... if she says she understands and she is still fighting you ask her why !  and you see the reason...is that she doesn't understand
or refuses to accept your explination...
when My Kid first told me of his desire to be a Female I was shocked and befuddeled
but from Long exposure to my Kid I already knew that my Kid was 3 times smarter than I am... so I LISTEN to my Kid ! and it was still very hard to swallow the bull he was shoveling !  so I desided that it was just a Preversion... something he elected to do...
not something that he was DRIVEN to do or die trying... so I explained that and He real quickly changed that view ! nothing could be further from the truth ...
i objected at every turn I could think of... and he shot down every idea I had....
I was desperate, grasping at straws and he was burning them as fast as I could come up with them... I finally had to accept what my Kid was telling me as being correct because everything else was absurd... it had to be what he was saying....
then I was hart broken, where did I go wrong ? and all that other stuff... only to talk to my kid about it and find out it wasn't anything i did or didn't do !...
all of this time I was feeling guilty as if I had messed up my Kid something terrable!
and it certainly wasn't my fault at all.... thats when it started to be ALRIGHT...
it still wasn't something I would wish on my worst enemy but it is His life and if I didn't mess him up  its realy up to him ...not me anyway...
so that is How I a father of a Son wound up with a Extra special Daughter !
i will feel much better when the SRS is over and done with but that takes time and I am Sure She feels the same way...

but My Kid and I have a Special relationship we are exceptionally close... while Most fathers were away at work and the mothers were raising the Kids the position whas changed for us... I couldn't keep a job for more than a few weeks so my wife out of desperation got a job and I stayed hoome and raised the kid.... it worked so well that we just cept doing it .... you know...what ever works if fair game ! ...when the Kid as big enough to go to school I got a part time job  to help out, i did every thing a mother would have done and more and I'm proud of that fact...that is why I took it so hard in the first place.... I was the one that realy raised the Kid in the first place ! I was the one that was there all the time...not the Wife.   so what did I do wrong ?
... and believe me that is where its at with parents they are ridden with guilt... Once you dispell that guilt you can get somewhere....
but you know as I know parents are hard as heck to talk to... but you gott'a start talking to them if you want to get anywhere !
their antiquated ideas and ways of thinking are enough to drive a person Nuts but you need to get in their head to strighten them out !

... Julie is certainly correct, that is exactly how parents or socioty as a whole will take a suicide.... they were messed up to begin with its.... no supprise !
so prove them wrong and do yourself up right and live the life you were ment to live
do what ever it takes to be happy.. but don't do yourself in ! <grin>
....
my coppers again !
Bob........

[Jessica]

hahahaha!

About 7 years ago the only thought that stayed my hand one night was the following.

The Winners write the history books.

What would they say about me?
I wouldn't be able to say anything back.

*hugs*
Jessica

[Bob]

Boy ain't that the truth ! HAHAHAHA
...
Bob......

[Ricki]

You guys are GREAT!  thanks for the replies and comments and feedback and SUPPORT!  I tuly believe that even though i have my own views on most things someone elses view is a good thing to have, it refreshes.. Thank you all i can take pieces of your veiws and thinking and try them into mine!
Hugs.....In honor of this and you great girls and guys i will post a cake for you! 
Ricki

[Bob]

Its only by hearing other views that we can guage weather our own views are substandard or not  we can lock our views and become old and outdated in a matter of a few years or keep an open mind and learn new things and ideas every day.
if you Do not look for truth you will not find it, if you do not look to improve yourself you will not. it is only by striveing for profection that we can continue to advance as a person. though we each have our own way of looking at something, we constantly find that there is alwayse a better way of looking at it. a more informitive way, less hurtfull to to others way, and if we're lucky maybe even a completely new way of looking at a subject will grace our lives in a way we never thought of before.
We are but Childern on this earth, ever learning ever playing ever getting into truble in one form or another, to loose a childs couriousity about the world around him is in itself a tragity, for without the wide eyed wonder and awe, our learning slows down, our minds stagnate our souls whither.
so keep your Mind open and your mouth asking why !  for without the questions you may not get the answer. there is No one right way in life, no religon or person has all the right answers you must pic and choose from those pieces of wisdome to call your own
to make your view, only to find with time that view must change as new knowledge is gained....
  so we flop around at times like a fish out of water, seaking desperately for the answers that pleg our minds... and when we finaly have the answers we seek we soon find them changeing...
Life is strange that way.  We may never have all the answers ... but we can sure gather up a bunch of them ! <GRIN>
....
Bob........

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Blah...I'm fairly obcessed with suicide...have been since I was young. I've made subtle cries to the people around me, only to find that they rarely bother to take action to help a person out. Then I asked to be admitted to the psych unit, or even to see a psychiatrist, but my family won't let me. I can't legally see someone without my mom's consent. Not old enough.

I can never explain why I don't care anymore. I never was good at explaining myself, and only frusturates me more when I can't pinpoint the reason in words, when I know it all too well in my head why, I just can't voice it and it makes me ashamed to feel that way because if I can't explain it...I don't know. Blah.

I know I've always been depressed/anxious. Lately I find no joy or pleasure in anything, and doing the simpliest of tasks can just wear me out...make me feel worse. Apparently I suck at foolproof methods of dying, or subconsciously I haven't given up yet. I'm tormented by the urge to commit suicide...and I don't care anymore. If I die, I die. If I never live to transition, then I don't. I'm tired of fighting and I'm too worn out and jaded to care anymore. Nothing means anything to me anymore, not people who care, people I love, things, vices, nothing. Screw it all.

[BrandiOK]

  I felt the same way at your age or at least very similar.  My family didn't seem to care about how I felt either...I suppose that looking back now they were dealing with thier own issues, as I was, and were probably wondering why nobody cared about them. 

  Much of my life past that point was a blur of anxiety and depression with scattered moments of what I call "pseudo-happiness".  Suicide was always on my mind and there were so many times where I purposely put myself in situations where I should have been killed and survived.  I'm not sure why I am still here....but I'm glad I am.

  It hasn't been easy, still isn't.  On one hand I become sad and depressed when I see happy people but on the other hand, I am glad that they don't live with the pain I do.  I've come to the realization that simply taking life day by day is the key for me.  I don't know how I will get through the next week of my life but I do know how I can make it through one more day and that is what keeps me going. 

  I have no rose colored portrait of the rest of my life in my head.....I don't see a great future so I avoid looking that far in advance.  I am simply one person who has an above average amount of pain, suffering and anger to bear.  I moved ahead carrying that weight because I'm stubborn and independant.  I suppose to a certain degree I wear it as a badge of honor.  I know so many people who couldn't carry the same burdens and I take a little bit of pride in the fact I have made it this long.   Strange I know....coping mechanisms are whatever works and this works for me.

  Now...If you feel you want to speak to a professional about your thoughts on suicide and your parents say no.  I would suggest making the call on your own.  Take that responsibility on yourself and just do it....the system will take care of the rest.  In addition just venting here on Susan's is a great therapy in itself (for me at least). 

[cindianna_jones]

Zombie, find a way to make it through.  Once you get out on your own, you'll be able to make the decisions for yourself and get help.  You have come to a place where many (including me) have had similar thoughts and feelings as you.  If you can open up and participate, you may find something very helpful.

Suicidal thoughts are selfish thoughts and you have expressed them so well in your post. Please find something in yourself worth living for.  Regardless what you think, you are important to those who love you.  Certainly, they may not understand, but they would be devastated if you were to leave like that.

Hang on kiddo.

Chin up and all of that

Cindi

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Zomb,

   I have been feeling close to what you are feeling now. I was full of positive energy for a while, but, I'm starting to think negatively a lot.
   When I was your age, I felt as black inside as you do and, definately had no words with which to describe the condition. If you can feel bad, or even numb, then it means that you do have feelings and are capable of having good feelings as well as bad ones.
   I would do what Brandi said and contact a professional without even having your parents do it with you. Since you obviously are reaching out, you most definately have the Will power to overcome your present gloom.

   As for me, I know for a fact that I will not hurt myself, so I'm just wasting my time thinking about death when I should be finding constructive methods with which to handle my immediate problems. Problems that are not immediate can just go bite themselves.

   You are just beginning a journey that will pay off big for you if you face it head on. Your biggest asset is the strength you carry with you.


Peace,

Rebecca

   

[Bob]

Zombie...
  With your attitude you have one foot in the grave already !  your almost gone already!
now snap out of it ! ...
  Life is what YOU make of it ... it can be happy or it can be sad ...and i realise at this point you could care less because nothing matters anymore..... NOTHING  !  Been there done that !   that is caused by your being depressed, even when you don't feel depressed it is still hainging on your shoulders and dragging you down ! stopping you from getting any Joy out of life at all....  your sort'a on the down hill side and the hill is steep and any movement makes you slide down hill a little bit more.
....
  Zombie.... thats a good expression of how you feel I am sure... alive but numb... non careing completely oblivious to your surroundings... and wish it would end.  but YOU can
change that my friend....  I know because I have done it . I was there just like you are
that state of who gives a f--- about anything ! ...
  the Worst part is you see no way out... at all, and you've looked hard for a very long time... but there is just no way out of this feeling, attitude, or life what ever you want to call it  Right ?.... THE PROBLEM IS  YOU CAN'T SEE IT FROM YOUR POSITION !...
there is a way out , and it is Not Sewierside !   Right now you are so far down the hole you can't see the exit.... all you see is the darkness  ...this is NORMAL ! when you get this far along there is no way out that you can see....  what you need to do is change your position... crawl up out of the hole untill you can see light at the end of the tunnel so you have a direction that you can go in.....
Do that by doing something you like .... or used to like to do... Remember the feeling of laughter, the feeling of fun...  thats in the right direction... move towards that!
... As much as you'ed like for it to all go away ... just one shot of fun and laughter just is a drop in the bucket.... and you'll slowly loose ground again till you find yourself right back where you were.... in misery.... So you need more, lots more
find something that puts a smile on your face  and do it, and do it again and again !
try to Remember what its like to be happy....  dredge up happy memories and re visit them often, make them your refuge when things are bad... they keep you from slideing down hill more.....
  Once you have a good view of "the Light at the end of the tunnel" You can actually start to enjoy yourself again... No realy !  right now its impossable  because of your attitude, you need to adjust your attitude  inorder to be happy , right now you have it on "be sad/whats the use in trying"... and thats a very strong setting ! change it to be "happy/ have fun..."
Now I realise to alot of people this sounds like a load of Hog-wash  but believe me it is not.   Your mind controls everything about you... from your pain to your eleation.
we all know that, and its no revelation to anyone. but your mind controls your Happyness as well, and your saddness,   and up to now you've let it go on about its business with no interfearance from you.....
and look where your at!!!!! 
controling your own thoughts is the only answer for this type of thinking.

I never said it would be easy.... and its not. its a constant struggle for a long time.
but after a while it becomes automatic, and your happy all the time..... isn't that what you'ed rather have ?
  Make up your mind to be happy no matter what !  and start thinking on how you can be
instead of going along for the ride and  takeing what ever life throws at you .
its up to you !
its not someone elses responcability... your happyness is your responcability and no one elses.....if your sad , its your fault because "YOU ALOWED IT".  Take control of yourself
in "ALL ASPECTS"... and make your life worth liveing again !

my 2 coppers...
Bob..........

[Ricki]

Matt...
I am not a doctor but that is pretty classical symptoms of depression not necessarily suicide (i do not think personally suicide is a basic condition - it's an action or act)
It's a shame you're under aged if that is the right term cause maybe some mild antidepressants would help you to work through some things...
When i was in my teens i was not suicidal at all that i recall i was just about everything else but the thought of suicide was enough to scare me off... It was not until after i served in the military and got older in mid twenties and had a few years of therapy that i turned down that road and yes being depressed was the first right hand turn i made...
It sulks your energy, your thinking, it saps any will or love for people or things you have, it allows you to be reckless with your own self-physically and mentally....
Tell-tale signs.
My advice with knowing so little about you my friend is to work through some of this for right now. Consider this, one (anyone by one i mean) can kill himself or herself anytime really so why make it something now when although life is very ugly and painful you have not even worked into your early adult years?  hindsight is a powerfull tool as is lifes lessons but they'd do none of us anygood had we not lived through some of the miseries and struggles we've had....to look back on (painful or not) as experiences to help us make more choices for future events.
Honestly Matt, consider this: that one can  kill himself or herself anytime really?, why make it something on your agenda now?  If it's something you could always do anyway?- do it a lot later when you've had some time and exhausted all the opportunities out there for you to help yourself....
This is quite often when i get down what keeps me up then knowing that if there is such a control point in suicide then really save that option for when you're 80 years old and you have lived the lifetime to decide better.
Please consider this and what was on this long thread some awfully painful stories and some darn good advices for anyone to learn from
hugs
Ricki

[Bob]

Well stated Ricki My sedimants exactly.
Bob.......

[Ricki]

thanks bob!
have a good new year thus coming!
Ricki

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Passive suicide, anyone? >_>
Was feeling positive that things would change and I only had x amount of time to go, but its all downhill now. My thoughts scream Matt, suck it up and take it like a man. I want to be loved, so bad. Think that's my problem, I want something I can never have.

These days I go off at everybody, mom's threatened to call the cops on me several times but course she never does. All my life all I heard was 'I love you' and no actions backing it up. Now I've distanced myself from everybody I once knew, school, old friends, but I don't care. They'd probably never have accepted me. I want somebody say its alright but its not. I want someone to ->-bleeped-<-ing take me seriously, my transition.

I'm not gonna go off and kill myself cuz I haven't gotten that hopeless yet. I have my moments where I snap and forget about my girlfriend who has been more than I could ask for and think I'm gonna kill myself, but I wisen up real quick. I still want to live, just not like this. I love her more than anything and she's accepted me for who I am. She's a state away though and I can't see her for several months yet. But she loves me. Then why do I feel this ->-bleeped-<-ty?

Sometimes I'll do the passive suicide thing for a week or so. Don't take care of nothing, ask to be arrested for half the things I do, do stuff I know won't kill me but will come close. I like that feeling, coming close to death. When I was 3 I almost drowned..I liked that feeling. The blue, black, bye now, feeling.

Now that I've vented my emo soul now, I'm off to eat out with the family and gain more of a girlish ass. >.< The only reason I told them I'd go is cause I get sirred in public, and the feeling of the sexy (alright, sometimes) waitress sirring me is almost like love. Almost.

Matt

Now I'm thinking about going to the hospital..I cant get these thoughts out of my head. I need er..stitches. Agh ->-bleeped-<- it. Call a hotline? Something? I don't know. Calm down Matt this is nothing..no one will take you seriously.