Feeling Betrayed - And I don't know why.

[Jamie-o]

My mom recently asked me to return her grandmother's opal ring, and a few other items of jewelry that she has given to me over the years.  Her reasoning is that, since I'm transitioning, I won't be wearing them anymore.  Truth be told, I rarely wore them before.  And yet, for some odd reason, I'm feeling hurt and angry over the request.  Logically I realize that it's not an unreasonable request, but the stubborn, passive-aggressive side of me is digging in my heels and ignoring it.  I can't explain why I feel this way.

Maybe it's because these were family heirlooms that were given to me out of love, and now it feels as if that love is being taken away.     Or maybe it's because the request is bringing home the changing relationship that I will have with my family.  I really don't know. 

[Cindy]

I can understand your emotion. Just because you are transitioning doesn't make family hierlooms less important; indeed I think it may make some things more imortant.
Do you have good communication with her? Do you have sisters that she wants to give them too?
My Mum and Dad sent me jewellery that belonged to my youger sister after she died. They thought I was a guy, but knew we need mementoes of our family.
Sorry Jaimey

Hope it works out
Love and Hugs
Cindy

[Teknoir]

It's normal to feel hurt over something like that. She wants to take away something that has sentimental value to you. Being told to hand back an heirloom is like being told you're not part of the family anymore.

Perhaps she doesn't realize that those items still mean something to you, and she wants them to go to someone who will wear (or in her mind - if she's anything like my mother - "value") them?

Maybe you need to reassure your family that you are still the same person,  you still value the same items and the sentiments behind them.

[K8]

Maybe she just hasn't thought this through.  (OK, you're not a daughter any more so you don't need jewelry. )  Perhaps it would help to talk to her about how much the family connection means to you and that the jewelry is a symbol of that.  Perhaps if you can tell her what you said here:

Maybe it's because these were family heirlooms that were given to me out of love, and now it feels as if that love is being taken away.     Or maybe it's because the request is bringing home the changing relationship that I will have with my family.  I really don't know. 

Talking to her can help her understand the depth of what you are doing but also that she is still your mother and you are still her (grown) child and that relationship is important to you.  She may be feeling a sense of loss.

My sister was just going along with my transition until she realized how fundamental it is to me.  Now she is very supportive and accepting.  Honest, open discussion can help.

- Kate

[Windrider]

I would be very upset as well. One does not ask another to return a gift. Just because you aren't going to wear the jewelery doesn't mean it's not special to you. It holds memories of someone who was very special to you.

I wouldn't return it either. However, talking to your mother and explaining why you aren't going to return it will hopefully clear things up.

WR
-- Who has assorted wooden animals, birdhouses, planters, knick-knack shelves, and other stuff her grandfather made. All of which are very special to her.

[Mister]

I completely get her point.  It's important family stuff and you're not going to wear it.  I'd ask her, though, if you could still hang on to it out of sentimental value.  I'd probably add that if she ever wants to wear any, you'll gladly make it available to her.  Sometimes, it's comforting to have something that belonged to a relative stuck in  box on your dresser. 

[kody2011]

My mom recently asked me to return her grandmother's opal ring, and a few other items of jewelry that she has given to me over the years. 

Maybe it's because these were family heirlooms that were given to me out of love, and now it feels as if that love is being taken away.     Or maybe it's because the request is bringing home the changing relationship that I will have with my family.  I really don't know. 

I'm sorry that she's doing it. Even though she does have the right too, it doesn't seem fair. It's a family heirloom...and your still part of the family. Maybe you could talk to her and she if she's willing to let you keep a piece that you really admire? Explain that you could still pass it on to the next family member. Hope you start to feel better about it...

[Ms.Behavin]

Hum..I can understand why your hurt.  She did "Give" them to you so, gee arn't they yours.  Now if you had a sister, maybe I would ask the SIS if she wanted one, but gee otherwise, they are yours to give back only if you wish too..

Your still Family after all.

Beni

[Nero]

do you have a sister she wants to give it too? that's still kinda cold, but if that's not the case, sounds like she's being passive-aggressive about your transition.

[Jamie-o]

No, no sisters.  I'm an only child.  If I had a daughter I would simply pass them on down the line, but that's not likely to happen any time soon, if ever.

Nero - I think you may be right, to a degree.  My mom's having a hard time.  On the one hand she's always thought of herself as a liberal, open-minded person.  On the other, it was always her dream to have a daughter - someone to pass the feminist torch on to.  I'm afraid she's a bit of a man hater.     She spent the first couple weeks saying that she supported my decision, but trying to talk me out of it.  Finally she wrote me a long letter detailing all her "concerns" about me transitioning.  I replied with a long letter explaining why I needed to do this.  Afterward she wrote me back saying that she got it now, she agreed I need to do this, and why don't we have a celebratory dinner?  It was a very nice gesture, but ended up being rather awkward.  Her very first comment to me was, "Oh, that's a pretty shirt you're wearing."    Then she noticed the acne that had re-appeared because I had gone off the pill in preparation for starting T, and says, "Oh, are you no longer taking the hormones for your acne?"  No, Mom.  That was estrogen.  *SIGH*  (Why do mothers feel the need to bring up things like that? Would she like it if I greeted her every time with comments on her wrinkles?  )

I'm sure she'll be fine once she realizes that Testosterone hasn't tuned me into a sports-loving, roid-raging, hooter-ogling jerk.  It's just really frustrating sometimes in the meanwhile.  Especially because, though intellectually I get it, I don't really understand why people have such a hard time with my transition.  To me, I'm finally being seen as the real me for the first time.  I'm finally removing the Halloween costume and presenting my true self.  It's sort of like fighting your way back from the Fairy-lands, only to discover that your family would just as soon keep the changeling that was left in your place.   

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant.  Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.  I really appreciate it.

[K8]

It's just really frustrating sometimes in the meanwhile.  Especially because, though intellectually I get it, I don't really understand why people have such a hard time with my transition.  To me, I'm finally being seen as the real me for the first time.  I'm finally removing the Halloween costume and presenting my true self.  It's sort of like fighting your way back from the Fairy-lands, only to discover that your family would just as soon keep the changeling that was left in your place.   

Dear Jamie,
While it is difficult to transition, I think it can be harder on those around us than it is on us.  To us it is natural growth, an unfolding, a liberation; to those near us it can be a complete shift, a putting on of the Halloween costume.  I think it may seem to them at first that you are either a completely different person or are at least trying to be a completely different person.

I've had lots of support during my transition, but some of my friends and family have had trouble wrapping their heads around it.  Some people have later told me that they are reassured because I'm not much different than I was (one said I was no different).  I think we just have to be patient with those who love us.  As time goes on they will see that we are just a better, happier version of the person they loved.

*hugs*
Kate

[Ms.Behavin]

You Know....There is that chance that T could turn you into a ports-loving, roid-raging, hooter-ogling jerk.  Well ok not a jerk, but T does work on the mind a bit as E works on the fairer side.


Why yes I am joking :-)  Give your mom some time. If she's a man hater and your crossing over to the dark side then it's going to take her a bit more time.

Take care

Beni

[stacyB]

I think it runs deeper than family heirlooms and sentimentality.

Not defending what I am hypothesizing... maybe your mom feels let down or crushed and feels the need to erect some kind of "barrier" to address the conflict she is experiencing... on the one hand she is losing a daughter, something you pointed out was an important part of her. On the other, she is trying to be a good parent and support her child gender notwithstanding. Thats gotta be one hell of an emotional tug of war...

From your perspective I would imaging its not a sentimentality thing at all. On the contrary, it might actually seem to be a rejection on her part in the face of her attempt to be supportive. Forget that its jewelry, forget that it came from your grandmother... I think that even if it were a box of plastic buttons, the hurt would still be just as intense. Why is something that was given to you suddenly being taken away? And worse, what else will she ask you to surrender?

I dont think its an act of malice on either party (her by asking for the jewelry back, you for not wanting to part with it), but clearly there is some ground to cover between the two of you. I havent even tackled telling my parents yet, I cant even begin to imagine how that dynamic will go.

I do hope you can find some comfort though...

[Autumn]

Jamie, if your mother doesn't trust or hates men, she probably does feel very betrayed. A lot of women have issues with men (quite different than the issues men have with women) and to 'lose' your daughter to men... she's probably not coping well. It's a rough situation, I'm sorry.