When to tell her...

[Sparky]

Although I am not in a relationship right now, or remotely near being in one, I was curious when/how anyone out there shared the fact they are transgendered with their significant other. Was it before getting involved? After a few weeks/months of getting to know one another? Never???

I have always been good friends with past girlfriends before having any sort of relationship so my being transgendered was no mystery to them, but I am finding that that may not be the case in the future and wonder how others have overcome this obstacle.

Thanks!

[Cindy]

I told my wife when we were dating.

We would often be as females on the weekends. She never wanted sex with Cindy, only when in male mode. As she said she isn't a lesbian. But has been fully accepting all of our 27 yrs of marriage and 3 yrs living together prior to that. Always bought clothes together etc.

Cindy.

Just my opinion. Women put a lot of effort in trying to find the right "guy" for their future. I think it would be cruel to let a girlfriend (or boyfriend) fall in love with you then spring a suprise. I know lots of us have come out during a marriage and I think most then fail with a certain amount of bitterness. Understandably so.

I hope I haven't offended anyone.

Cindy

[Miniar]

It's a "first date" topic to me. Or at least, that's the approach I took to it last time.
Things that can "make or break" a relationship to you, ought to be first date topics.
If you "hide" it as to not scare away the potential partner, then the potential partner may react with hostility when he/she finds out and be hurt because you "hid" it more than because you "are" it.
If you tell people the truth, you won't scare away the accepting person that you want to be with.
He/she that will accept you as you are won't be scared away by you telling him/her who you are.

[Lachlann]

I think everyone does it a little bit different, but personally I wouldn't want to scare them away on the very first date, but I would tell them in the first few or before it got anywhere serious. Like Miniar and and Cindy have said, you don't want someone invested in the relationship and drop a bombshell on them. Better to see if they are accepting before that.

[Janet_Girl]

I am going to wait until the second date or so, to tell this guy that I have been in contact with.  We are yet to have our first.  His Mother wound up in the hospital, so family is taking his time.

I am also debating as to the 'How'.  I am leaning to in person.  Any thoughts?

But to tell in best before the relationship grows serious.

Janet

[K8]

Add one more to what the others have said. 

I told my wife before when we first started dating.  Her only concern at the time was whether I was heterosexual (that is, attracted to her sexually).   It wasn't our first date but it was one of our first dates.

- Kate
Post Merge: June 16, 2009, 07:05:32 AM

I am going to wait until the second date or so, to tell this guy that I have been in contact with.  We are yet to have our first.  His Mother wound up in the hospital, so family is taking his time.

I am also debating as to the 'How'.  I am leaning to in person.  Any thoughts?

But to tell in best before the relationship grows serious.

Janet

Yes.  In person.  And before it gets serious.

- K

[Khrist]

I hope I learn soon myself what to do in that situation... since I've never been in it myself. Gosh, people hardly liked me as a girl, it's hard to imagine myself dating as a guy due to anxiety over whether or not I pass, whether anyone in this little town would be cool with dating a FTM, stuff like that.

[Mister]

Sparky, I don't know your situation so...

Do you pass?

Are you on T?  If so, for how long?

Have you had top surgery? Bottom surg?

All these factor into when/if to tell.

[icontact]

Whenever it starts getting serious and DEF before it gets physical. I'd say put it off long enough for her to get to know you as a great guy and definite relationship material, so that she can't bring in any prejudices when you come out to her.

[Sparky]

Sparky, I don't know your situation so...

Do you pass?

Are you on T?  If so, for how long?

Have you had top surgery? Bottom surg?

All these factor into when/if to tell.

I defintely pass - I've been on T for 3 1/2 years and had top over 3 years ago - I've also been lucky enough to grow and keep a full beard. Most dont believe me (or whoever ends up telling them - people like to gossip at work) and think Im joking when they find out.

This question was stated more out of curiousity than anything else. I have never been in this situation before - of course I do hope to find someone some day but Im not holding my breath. I was in my last relationship for over 4 years - through transition and everything - so she knew what she was getting into long before our relationship began.

Thanks for all the posts guys and gals!!

I told my wife when we were dating.

We would often be as females on the weekends. She never wanted sex with Cindy, only when in male mode. As she said she isn't a lesbian. But has been fully accepting all of our 27 yrs of marriage and 3 yrs living together prior to that. Always bought clothes together etc.

Cindy.

You are VERY lucky! Congrats on your length in marriage!

[Mister]

then there's no need to tell her until there's talk of a relationship or sex.

[mudd]

I had previously told women I was FTM when heading towards the physical process, (I've had top, been on T for years, have had medioplasty) and been in a comfortable friend -ish relationship.  Now I'm starting to wonder if I am waiting too long and not meeting the right women, that I should put myself out there more often.  So I've gotten a couple of womens numbers at bars, and met with a couple, but nothing really knocked my socks off and haven't gotten together again.  This is definitely not something I would want to bring up on a first date situation.  People never believe me when I tell them anyway.  I definitely like to know the woman, and like to keep it on the DL.  But where do you meet the women who are ok with dating a guy like me?  Not to say I haven't met a few...but I can't imagine the hot girl in line ahead of me would ever be interested.

[Mister]

I had previously told women I was FTM when heading towards the physical process, (I've had top, been on T for years, have had medioplasty) and been in a comfortable friend -ish relationship.  Now I'm starting to wonder if I am waiting too long and not meeting the right women, that I should put myself out there more often.  So I've gotten a couple of womens numbers at bars, and met with a couple, but nothing really knocked my socks off and haven't gotten together again.  This is definitely not something I would want to bring up on a first date situation.  People never believe me when I tell them anyway.  I definitely like to know the woman, and like to keep it on the DL.  But where do you meet the women who are ok with dating a guy like me?  Not to say I haven't met a few...but I can't imagine the hot girl in line ahead of me would ever be interested.

Huh..  interesting perspective.  I'm post-bottom surg as well and don't think I'd bother telling someone if it were just a hookup.  Potential relationship? Maybe.

[mudd]

How do you not tell them?  My dick is only 2" long if I'm happy.  Do you just strap on in the bathroom and come in with the lights off?

[Mister]

How do you not tell them?  My dick is only 2" long if I'm happy.  Do you just strap on in the bathroom and come in with the lights off?

My situation is hypothetical since I'm in a LTR that started before my bottom surg.

I started taking HGH as well as testosterone so I've managed a good bit of growth.  I worked with a couple surgeons to modify the old centurion procedure and ended up with a dick that's totally sufficient in the bedroom and in the locker room.

[mudd]

No kidding!?  How do I get HGH?  I have totally revolved my life around not being seen in the locker room.  Tell me more, please.

[Mister]

There's a thread on it somewhere, but i'll give you the reader's digest version--

I took an endocrinology class, hung on to the book and did some additional research around the time I was starting T.  I presented my findings to my doctor who was skeptical but let me try it on a provisional basis.  I was monitored pretty closely for a while and had no adverse side effects, so I stayed on it.

After doing more research and talking with a ton of doctors (wilson, miro, petrovic, meltzer and bowers and a bunch of urologists and microsurgeons), i had a two step sorta-centurion w/ scrotoplasty, urethral lengthening and a vaginectomy.  I have one scar on my perenium from the vaginectomy sutures and another hidden on the underside of my cock.  I can get and maintain erections naturally, penetrate easily (thanks to some minor relocation and a mons reduction) and piss w/o issue.

[mudd]

Where did you end up getting the surgery?  Did you have many (or any) complications?  How big is it?  Could you pass as bio?  Is this something that could happen after metoidioplasty ?  I really think I would be ok with the size of my dick if I could just piss standing up.

[Mister]

Where did you end up getting the surgery?  Did you have many (or any) complications?  How big is it?  Could you pass as bio?  Is this something that could happen after metoidioplasty ?  I really think I would be ok with the size of my dick if I could just piss standing up.

I had surgery in San Francisco.  My only complications were anesthesia related because my body hates it.  It passes as bio as long as no one's expecting to watch me ejaculate.  I don't know if it can happen post meta, but i would assume it's more complicated-- it's fragile tissue and the less surgery the better. 

[mudd]

Brownstein?  That's where I went too.  Didn't have the urethral lengthening.  I'm expecting to be in contact with him in the next year or so when I finally graduate college.  Maybe I'll look into it then.