Quote from: sneakersjay on June 09, 2009, 06:07:40 PM
And you'll just have to motion like you're drinking with an eye roll, implying he's a drunk, or shake your head and look away, like he's senile, esp. after there is no question that you're male. They're gonna look at him funny, not you, esp. if you grow facial hair.
Haha, nice. That's already happening (I do the *shake head and look away*). But maybe I am still straddling the gender line, because people tend to 'correct' themselves after my father (or anyone else) 'corrects' them. They just look at me weird.
Quote from: Flameboy on June 10, 2009, 01:24:17 PM
I think Jay has probably hit the nail on the head here! And it could also be that your grandfather is trying to push you into telling him. If the two of you used to be close when you were a lot smaller, it might be that he's well aware of the situation, and is just waiting for you to tell him. Grandparents may be old, but they're not (all) stupid!
Lol, I wish I could believe that my grandfather somehow expects it. The thing is, I cannot imagine how he could have been really exposed to transsexuality--even in his 80 years of life. A brief snippet on the television, perhaps--maybe he caught something of Thomas Beattie--but... to be quite honest, no one in my family suspected a thing. That's what they said, at least. They have all lived in the same very small, conservative, Catholic town for all of their lives; there's not much exposure to *anything* in the world outside of television and now the computer. Hell, I didn't even have a word for what I was growing up; all I knew was that I wanted my breasts and reproductive organs removed because they just seemed wrong. I saw Discovery channel programs on MtFs and felt a mix of... belonging and jealousy, I guess. I didn't know that I could do the same as them, but in the opposite direction. I had never seen a program that dealt with FtMs. It took going to college and meeting not an MtF, but an FtM for it to start to sink in. Anyways, yeah (forgive my rambling, it helps me to put my scattered thoughts in to words)... with little to no exposure to transsexuality, I don't know how he could possibly suspect, despite my behavior as a child: let's just say my rejection of anything even remotely feminine throughout my childhood and now adulthood has been a serious point of contention in my family.
Quote from: Flameboy on June 10, 2009, 01:24:17 PM
Eryk, I don't know how old you are, but once you're an adult you don't have to do everything your parents say. If I was in your situation, I'd tell my parents that I felt that it was unfair to keep some members of my family, who I care about, in the dark about my transition, and that I was going to tell them exactly what was going on. I'd also point out, as others have mentioned, that strangers see me as male, and to be introduced as their daughter will make people think that they are senile - as you are very obviouslsy male.
...so is it sad that I am an adult? 23, out of the house, not dependent on my parents' money. And still I hesitate telling my grandfather because in all honesty I cannot stand to hurt the man. It seems this is a recurring theme with me; given the choice of hurting someone I care about or sheltering them and bearing the consequences (in this case, pain and awkwardness)... I'll shelter them because I insist I can do it. I cannot think of how telling him will accomplish anything except making me feel better, so I play the bloody martyr. So if that's my decision, I shouldn't be complaining about it--except that it's coming back to bite me in the rear. I'm now starting to resent the man that I idolized throughout my youth. I resent it every time he implies that I should act more femininely. I resent his ignorance of me, and I have no one else to blame but myself because I'm the one who decided to say nothing. Of course I can override my parents' wishes and tell him, but in the end it's not my parents wishes I'm worried about. It's him. His wife's death has brought him down low. The first time he cracked a half smile, looked halfway interested in still living, was when he heard that I had changed my summer plans so that I could spend a month with him. I'm just afraid of what this could do to him when he hears the news... I keep hearing that, to our loved ones, transition seems almost like a death and they must mourn the person they lost. How can I lay another 'death' on him?
And I will confess that I do fear his rejection. When my grandmother (other side of the family--not his wife) found out, she refused to speak with me. Then she wound up in the hospital in pretty nasty condition (stress-related, and not too long after she found out about me). Not a great feeling to know that a loved one might die and to also know that they don't wish to hear from you. It's an awkward decision--do I say to hell with it and call them, even if it may stress them more?--or do I respect their wishes and just live with it if they die with us still not on speaking terms? Thankfully, my grandmother and I are back on speaking terms... her conclusion was "you're still my granddaughter, still {birthname}." And so her terms are clear: she'll speak with me, but only as her granddaughter and only as {birthname}; she thinks wanting to be called 'he' and by a male name is ridiculous and refuses to do so. So what did my disclosure really gain? She refused to talk with me, I (and probably she) stressed about it for a few months, and it's back where it was before--except now there's a decent amount of active denial thrown in. I know I can't predict how my grandfather will react, but this is how every member of my family has reacted thus far. Lord knows if they'll ever change their decision on name and pronouns. I could gently beat 'em over the head with reminders, as Tekla said, but I'm not sure if our now tenuous relationship could withstand it...
Quote from: Flameboy on June 10, 2009, 01:24:17 PM
I know you say it doesn't matter to you, but it obviously does. Maybe it's time to bite the bullet and do the big coming out to all the family thing - by email, by letter, in person - whatever works best for you. I'd guess that after last weekend people are already wondering anyway - my view is that it's better to be upfront about it all and avoid being the susbject of gossip.
Yeah, the bullet must be bitten some time. It's just deciding when... when will this new knowledge do the least amount of damage to my grandfather? How long after a death is 'long enough'? He's never going to really stop grieving for his wife, missing her... so it's a matter of judging what time will yield the least damage. Before I spend a month with him, so I have more time to explain and so he can get used to it with me there? After, so he can spend the following four months stewing it over before I see him again on Thanksgiving? A year from now (eh, prolly stretching it)?
As for the awkward party guests--with the exception of my uncle, two cousins, and grandfather--they are not directly my relatives. I had never met them before in my life; I doubt there's much gossiping going on. My cousins might be marginally confused my my refusal to "correct" anyone who said 'he,' though.
Ah, but listen to me ramble... I suppose I'll stop for now. Thanks for the input, everyone. I do appreciate it; helps me mull things over and face up to the really nerve-wracking reality of coming (all the way) out.
