I made a blog entry just now and I thought I'd share it with you guys. I don't like to say that it's a cry for help, but I think that's what it is. Right now, things are pretty desperate. Well, you can see for yourself.
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There are a lot of things to talk about. The title of the blog is yesterday's date. I had such a horrible day yesterday that I didn't get around to blogging. I simply came home (meaning college), surfed the net for a while and went to sleep.
Yesterday, I had an improptu counseling session. I had received an email saying that the session would have to be re-scheduled so I went down there to see what times they had and there was an opening in an hour. I decided to take that time because I didn't have anything else to do right then. I spent about an hour, maybe more, talking about how I hated my family and it got the point where I almost started crying. I stopped myself. Later, I found that I had a headache from all the things I had talked about and all the frustration I had vented. Ironically enough, I had decided in advance to go back to my parents' house to get some mail that was there and as soon as I stepped in that place, everything I had said in counseling was confirmed once again for me.
It was tough. I really had trouble focusing and keeping my mind sharp. My headache seemed to get worse- that's how much I can't stand these people- and I left earlier than I had intended simply to get out of there. As it turns out, I had forgotten something and I turned around halfway to get it. When I got to college, I found that I forgot something else. Driving in that area just made me scream, over and over. I saw how my family acted and then I had to drive through congestion and stupid drivers and I painted the rest of humanity with the brush I used for my family. I blamed the area, I blamed the air for having radiation that kills brain cells, I blamed society. But at last, I could only blame myself for knowing what they were and bothering to spend my time with them in the first place. That only made me feel worse. And, when you come right down to it, I didn't have to go there at all. The letter I was looking for was not what I thought it was and things could have been managed just as easily if I had stayed at college.
Today, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning after turning in a bit early (10 PM) last night because I felt so terrible. Now I still feel pretty bad. I still have my headache, only now I'm tired. I'm not used to waking up so early and my body is a little bit out of whack. I feel like I'm being made to walk through fire to learn how resistant my skin is to flame. Well, honestly, it's not very resistant at all. I don't have a coping mechanism on how to deal with this. I can't disconnect myself from people I once loved and could love again under the right circumstances. I can't deal with the fact that I don't have anyone to turn to other than my dad and to talk to him, I would then have to deal with them.
So, I'm alone. I don't have anyone I can talk to other than a counselor. I don't really have a support system. I sometimes try to put a brave face on it, but days like this remind me that I'm not invulnerable and that the nice, breezy days do not mean that a storm is impossible. The absence of a hurricane does not mean that one cannot ride out of nowhere. Yesterday, one did. And it blew my world to bits. Now I don't know what I'm doing, or why, or what the purpose of my life is anymore. I'm running away from my family by being here in college, but I'm not striving towards anything. I do my best in my classes because I don't want to be academically dismissed- in other words, I don't want to have to go back there. What kind of a life is it where all I do is run away?
The only hope I possess is that I can continue my transition to become a woman in every sense the word means. But, as with most things, I have to do this alone. I have no one to confess to, no one that I can cry with if I need to. I'm a survivor on an emotional island trying to do the best I can after the repeated hurricanes of my family's ineptitude left me here. The word I'm thinking of is desolate. It's safe to say this is the lowest I've been and I don't know what can bring me up again. I tried making friends here, but that appears to have failed. I'll write about that some other time if I get around to it.
