I made a blog entry just now and I thought I'd share it with you guys. I don't like to say that it's a cry for help, but I think that's what it is. Right now, things are pretty desperate. Well, you can see for yourself.

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There are a lot of things to talk about. The title of the blog is yesterday's date. I had such a horrible day yesterday that I didn't get around to blogging. I simply came home (meaning college), surfed the net for a while and went to sleep.

Yesterday, I had an improptu counseling session. I had received an email saying that the session would have to be re-scheduled so I went down there to see what times they had and there was an opening in an hour. I decided to take that time because I didn't have anything else to do right then. I spent about an hour, maybe more, talking about how I hated my family and it got the point where I almost started crying. I stopped myself. Later, I found that I had a headache from all the things I had talked about and all the frustration I had vented. Ironically enough, I had decided in advance to go back to my parents' house to get some mail that was there and as soon as I stepped in that place, everything I had said in counseling was confirmed once again for me.

It was tough. I really had trouble focusing and keeping my mind sharp. My headache seemed to get worse- that's how much I can't stand these people- and I left earlier than I had intended simply to get out of there. As it turns out, I had forgotten something and I turned around halfway to get it. When I got to college, I found that I forgot something else. Driving in that area just made me scream, over and over. I saw how my family acted and then I had to drive through congestion and stupid drivers and I painted the rest of humanity with the brush I used for my family. I blamed the area, I blamed the air for having radiation that kills brain cells, I blamed society. But at last, I could only blame myself for knowing what they were and bothering to spend my time with them in the first place. That only made me feel worse. And, when you come right down to it, I didn't have to go there at all. The letter I was looking for was not what I thought it was and things could have been managed just as easily if I had stayed at college.

Today, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning after turning in a bit early (10 PM) last night because I felt so terrible. Now I still feel pretty bad. I still have my headache, only now I'm tired. I'm not used to waking up so early and my body is a little bit out of whack. I feel like I'm being made to walk through fire to learn how resistant my skin is to flame. Well, honestly, it's not very resistant at all. I don't have a coping mechanism on how to deal with this. I can't disconnect myself from people I once loved and could love again under the right circumstances. I can't deal with the fact that I don't have anyone to turn to other than my dad and to talk to him, I would then have to deal with them.

So, I'm alone. I don't have anyone I can talk to other than a counselor. I don't really have a support system. I sometimes try to put a brave face on it, but days like this remind me that I'm not invulnerable and that the nice, breezy days do not mean that a storm is impossible. The absence of a hurricane does not mean that one cannot ride out of nowhere. Yesterday, one did. And it blew my world to bits. Now I don't know what I'm doing, or why, or what the purpose of my life is anymore. I'm running away from my family by being here in college, but I'm not striving towards anything. I do my best in my classes because I don't want to be academically dismissed- in other words, I don't want to have to go back there. What kind of a life is it where all I do is run away?

The only hope I possess is that I can continue my transition to become a woman in every sense the word means. But, as with most things, I have to do this alone. I have no one to confess to, no one that I can cry with if I need to. I'm a survivor on an emotional island trying to do the best I can after the repeated hurricanes of my family's ineptitude left me here. The word I'm thinking of is desolate. It's safe to say this is the lowest I've been and I don't know what can bring me up again. I tried making friends here, but that appears to have failed. I'll write about that some other time if I get around to it.

Yeah it gets pretty lonely at times.  The family thing is hard to, although, do think about it as a two way street.  Im sure that they are having a hard time with it too.  I don't know the specifics of your situation, but life will get better.  Just stay in counseling if its helping as that can provide a ground for you and to get a new perspective or just help in general.  Anyway try to stay positive and live for tomorrow. 

Audrey

I know how hard it can be based on my own personal experiences. Hang in there and please take care.

Kara,
My family can make things hard at times too so I feel I understand your pain.

I have no solutions but please know that you are not alone. I offer a virtual hug because I an not able to offer a real life one. I can say that things have to improve sooner or later, I hope for your sanity that it is sooner than later.

I sincerely want you to know that you are NOT alone, I and others on this site are here for you for what aid that is.

Kenny

Well, if it means anything, I feel better after having taken a nap. At least I was able to avoid crying today.

Hugs!

And even with a support system ie relatives who are supportive, I've found that NOBODY wants to hear about your transition or revelations or latest body changes etc.  I found a support group where we can share what's been going on transition wise and gender wise and it's been great.


Jay

Hi Kara,

Not being out to anyone IRL apart from my councillor is very worrying to me...I also have no support system in place, so I know how it can seem that you have moved from one "prison" to "another".

For me, I have decided that I need to take steps to make some new freinds IRL that I can confide in, and will try to hold off the temptation to progress further unitl I have resolved this.

I know it's tough, but even finding someone you can confide in by PM is better than going alone, or on open forum.

I really wish you well in your journey.



Chrissty

Hi Kara.

Crying always gives me a headache.  Tension always gives me a headache.  Frustration always gives me a headache.  You must have super headaches.

This can be a lonely process, even if you have people to talk to about it.  Being your age and in college were lonely processes for me as well.  Yech.

But things can get better if you just hang in there and do what you can.

Years ago I put transition on hold until I got some other parts of my life in order.  I don't know if you can do that.  The GID would come and go and drive me nuts sometimes, but I was able to function and gradually work through my other issues.

It will help if you can find a support group.  Most campuses have at least an LGBT group.  As the T in that alphabet soup we are the ugly stepchildren, but they may be helpful to you anyway.  Give them a try.

If you can find a friend to complain to about your family and about school and about other frustrations - even if you never mention your TG issues - you can benefit from having that kind of relationship.  And you can listen to your new friend complain about his/her family and school and other frustrations.  (You have to let it work both ways. )

I realize all this is tough, but us tough gals can tough it out.  Right?

*hugs*
Kate

Quote from: Kara on July 01, 2009, 11:53:03 AM
I made a blog entry just now and I thought I'd share it with you guys. I don't like to say that it's a cry for help, but I think that's what it is.

PS: Cry for help when you need help.  Don't hold it inside you - it'll give you a headache for sure.   (*more hugs*)

We do have an LBGT center, but it's closed during the summer. At least, that was my impression. But I'm so far down right now that I might go in there anyways and talk with someone if I can.

I've got to go home again Friday and I wonder how I can handle it. I really hope I won't be an emotional wreck.

Quote from: Kara on July 01, 2009, 07:49:28 PM
I've got to go home again Friday and I wonder how I can handle it. I really hope I won't be an emotional wreck.

I'm not qualified to be a counselor, and I don't know if it will help, but try to be secure in who you are.  You are Kara.  You are a smart, good person.  (I don't know you well.  You can add lots more qualities in that description.)  Be confident that you have many qualities that make you a valuable human, on the road to becoming a valuable member of the community.  You are strong.  Go home with confidence and don't let them get you down.

One problem with family is that they have a long history with you and so they know what buttons to push if they want to.  I had been married to my wife for 20 years when she got dementia.  After that amount of time she knew very well how to make me feel bad and did it with great competence.

Be strong.  Wear your confidence and assurance as a carapice to keep your good, inner core intact.

(And yes, for sure check out the LGBT center.)

Good luck, Kara.

- Kate

Well I did try to find the LBGT center at college and....they might not have one? I was referred to this one old building and I went in, tried not to fall through creaky floors and found...nothing. It's a multicultural building from what I could tell. My university doesn't seem to be willing to invest a lot in this sort of thing, and that's probably gonna change.

Anyways Kate, I could care less about becoming a valuable member of the community but I did find the rest of your advice very helpful.