Multiple Personality Disorder, with myself?

[PinkSunshine]

Awwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sometimes I just have to scream and get it over with. Seems like every year at some point I go through a bout of depression (guess what time of year it is  ). This year seems to be worse because I have a full-fleged multi-faceted bloody war going on in my head. It feels like I have multiple people in my head that is vying for control. I've been dressing regularly (i.e. CD) for a year now, and I've always felt better that way (except the few times I got really nasty comments). I finally came out to my Mom (who told my step-dad, which is fine), and I felt elated. Well, for a few days at least. I felt finally, I can be myself. Well, my step-dad didn't flip his lid (which I was scared of because he has always been highly anti-gay), but he is still having trouble accepting it. My mom suggested I hold off on dressing in front of him until he gets more used to the idea. I agreed, but now I feel that I shouldn't have to. He knows, so what difference does it make? I understand that this would affect others just as much as me, so I havn't, but now I feel deprived.

I feel as though I am somehow letting them down. They've always had a high opinion of me and I don't want that to change. I'm still the same person (more or less). I know they love me, but the guilt is still there.

Ok, so here are the factions in this ruthless struggle:

1. The trinity. I ask please that if I can't get an adult (read: respectable and civil) conversation about this part, please disregard and move on. Ok, so there has always been religion in my family. All of my family are staunch christians (not the judgement type btw, the understanding and non-preachy type), and always taught the word of God (but only to those who listen). I am a Christian (there-in lies the rub). I havn't turned my back on it, I still believe, I really do. Part of me says that I am being possessed by demons who are trying to turn me away and I have to find my way to the light. I find it impossible (at least right now) to just stop believing. Too many things have happened and I just feel like he exists. Therefore, what does God think of this whole transition thing? Are there any bible references on the topic (I'm afraid I never much understood the language)? I know being gay is bad, but am I gay just because I am TS (or believe I'm TS)? If I only date women before SRS and only men after, does that make me completely straight? Do I have to be alone forever? I consider this faction to be a mini-war in itself.

2. Suck it up Soldier! Ok, so the military man in me (yes I have served) tells me that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Life sucks, things happen that you don't understand, I should just recognize it as such and move on. I constantly have a running dialog with co-workers, friends, family, and random people who talk to me about my military background. I connect with people that way and they respect me for my service (not that I felt I ever did much). Somehow, I feel that if I go on with transition, that I'm somehow turning my back on that. I wouldn't feel right or justified in talking about my military service and I feel that people wouldn't take me seriously. How am I supposed to deal with that? Just suck it up? This is a ruthless faction because it never seems to have much of a foundation but always manges to flank me!

3. The man. Then there is this whole, being born a male thing. The man in me deffinately wants control. I enjoy the respect I get for walking into a bar with my buddies (who don't know btw) and belching after chugging a bear (I honestly don't know why I do). I get more respect for my knowledge in engineering as a guy than all the females I've seen (which, granted, isn't too many). I can walk up to any guy and tell him hes jacked up, he tell me to 'F' off, and then fixes it and says thanks. None of this makes sense to me, but there are some aspects of being a guy I like. This faction is like the blitzcreig (sp?) battleplan. It comes out of nowhere, hits you hard, and you don't even know how to handle it until its over.

4. The woman. This faction is the trickiest. It's like the underground of a revolution thats about to strike. The part of me that is a woman I find attractive and scary at the same time. I LOVE LOVE LOVE pink! I love shopping, especially shoes. I love jewelry, and sleepovers, and just talking to random strangers at the mall or McDonalds, and striking up conversation. As a woman, I can interact with people better. I went to Kohls one night and bought myself a new set of pj's (which are pink btw, with little butterflys). I found out from the nice young woman behind the counter (whom I never met) that she doesn't drive, and she had to walk three miles to catch the bus to work and she sweated the whole time and messed up her makeup (it was  warm and sunny day). I've never been able to do that as a guy (and I rather enjoyed the conversation)! Picking outfits, debating hairstyles, and even enjoying a good cry from a movie are all things I love (I'm such a girly girl). Not to mention I'm always more comfortable (i.e. relaxed, cheerful, and in better spirits) being a woman. So why is it so hard?


If you are still with me on this one (I'm sorry  ), then bless you! I just don't know what to think. Each of these factions shows up at different times and sometimes they show up at once. Hence, the urge to scream returns  . Any help, advice, or just support I can get would be helpful. Love you all, and thanks for listening!

[Nero]

Somehow, I feel that if I go on with transition, that I'm somehow turning my back on that. I wouldn't feel right or justified in talking about my military service and I feel that people wouldn't take me seriously. How am I supposed to deal with that? Just suck it up? This is a ruthless faction because it never seems to have much of a foundation but always manges to flank me!

Hi Vanessa. I wanted to address your other points or 'factions'  , but i'll just ask this one for now :

Somehow, I feel that if I go on with transition, that I'm somehow turning my back on that. I wouldn't feel right or justified in talking about my military service and I feel that people wouldn't take me seriously. How am I supposed to deal with that? Just suck it up? This is a ruthless faction because it never seems to have much of a foundation but always manges to flank me!

People don't have to know you served 'as a male', do they? I would assume you could still carry on conversations with other soldiers about your experiences without having to explain that you were 'male' during that time?
I assume female soldiers have enough similar experiences.

[FairyGirl]

hi sweetie All of your factions seem to care a great deal about what others think about their respective selves The only one that seems to care about what YOU think is the woman. Just my 2 cents, but I'd listen more to her.

Sorry, don't mean to be glib. All these are part of you, part of the same person who you are at this time. But still I'm a firm believer in listening to what your inner heart tells you. The woman sounds like the most fun to be honest 

[PinkSunshine]

Hi Vanessa. I wanted to address your other points or 'factions'  , but i'll just ask this one for now :

People don't have to know you served 'as a male', do they? I would assume you could still carry on conversations with other soldiers about your experiences without having to explain that you were 'male' during that time?
I assume female soldiers have enough similar experiences.

Good point! Got me there hun, thanks!   

hi sweetie All of your factions seem to care a great deal about what others think about their respective selves The only one that seems to care about what YOU think is the woman. Just my 2 cents, but I'd listen more to her.

Sorry, don't mean to be glib. All these are part of you, part of the same person who you are at this time. But still I'm a firm believer in listening to what your inner heart tells you. The woman sounds like the most fun to be honest 

Aww, thanks girl! Your right, I should listen to my heart, and yes, it sounds a lot more fun to me too! 



Thank you both for the replys, I do feel better now. Love yah! 

[findingreason]

Hi, it sounds like you really do enjoy that female part of you, and if that's where you get the most happiness I'd say follow it .

I so totally understand the male part of your dilemma, as I have struggled with the very same thing. I never had a girly girl thing going either, making it more complicated for me .

1. The trinity. I ask please that if I can't get an adult (read: respectable and civil) conversation about this part, please disregard and move on.

It's absolutely no problem to believe in what you believe in, AND be able to like men or women. I know some Christian GLBT individuals, and it doesn't cause trouble for that part of them. Your notion of being gay is bad sounds like a learned one perhaps; like it's something morally wrong to you. I had that happen to me growing up, I like guys and girls at a young age, but when religion got forced on my life, I assumed a straight guy, and that's what I believed I was (or so I thought anyway). I'm not sure exactly what to say, as I don't wish to be non-civil about it, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking one gender, the other, or both. In fact from my experiences around people it seems actually pretty difficult to find someone exclusively heterosexual or homosexual. Look in some history books and in some cultures it was not unusual for gay love to be present, and not looked at as unusual even.

I hope this helps!

[sd]

I discussed the military part with my therapist actually after having the same feelings you have.

She said she had many ex-military (like you and me) and said she has found that the bond we share is unlike any other, and that when others transitioned, even on or around base, that they found the others actually still stood behind them. They accepted it better than the general public it seemed.

She said they may not understand you entirely, but they understand that you served and there is that bond. They may not care to serve with you again on a battlefield, but in say a bar fight or something, that bond is still there and they would likely stand up for you. She related quite a few stories of this very thing happening to a few clients.

50 years ago, even 30, a large percentage of the population served. Nowadays, less than 10 alive have served. This puts us in an exclusive group when you consider how many of that 10% were from a time before you or I were born. You served, it is something most in our age group and younger cannot say. There is no need to hide it or feel as though you are turning your back on them. You did your duty, no one can take that from you. The only trouble is that in my job only about1 in 300+ were female, so things could get weird if they knew someone who was there. Which as you know, can happen a lot.



As for your sexuality, there is no answer.
Think about it. Let's say you passed but had not had bottom surgery and married a man.  Now, the church will likely let you marry in the chapel, because they wouldn't really question it, you are husband and wife near as they can tell and depending on how good they look at the paperwork. The silly part is if you tried to marry a woman, the church would look at you and say HELL NO. Even though legally and genetically you are still a man, and marrying a woman. Which is what they would prefer.

How and when exactly do you go from male to female? What is worse, is depending on paperwork and how out you are, when traveling your status will change anyway even after surgery. It's a mess no matter how you look at it.

So...
Love who you like. Eventually this mess will all be sorted and we can finally get on with living. If your church has a problem with you, I would say find a new church.  Jesus said you didn't need a church to pray, and you certainly do not need one to believe (if God is always listening, why do you need to pray in church? Does paying the church get you in?).



The respect thing is a bummer though, but which is worse, being in a mans body, or losing some (not all) respect. Use #4 to fix #3. Oh, and find new female engineer friends. 

I'm not so big on pink, but I love red frilly lingerie, I have a serious weakness for it.

[V M]

Personally, I'm rather glad I turned the majority of control over to the woman in me. She is much kinder and more responsible 

The man just plain doesn't give a S--- about much of anyone or anything 

The soldier takes resposibility but is all to happy to verbally and/or physically tear just about anyone a new somethin' somethin' 

Then there's the musician who gets along fairly well with the woman but likes to party a bit too much 

Overall, most folks including myself like the nicer more responsible woman in me  She gets along better with others, pays the bills on time and is more caring and understanding. Plus she tells the other "factions" to go relax awhile when they want to act up 

[Krisstina]

2. Suck it up Soldier! Ok, so the military man in me (yes I have served) tells me that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Life sucks, things happen that you don't understand, I should just recognize it as such and move on. I constantly have a running dialog with co-workers, friends, family, and random people who talk to me about my military background. I connect with people that way and they respect me for my service (not that I felt I ever did much). Somehow, I feel that if I go on with transition, that I'm somehow turning my back on that. I wouldn't feel right or justified in talking about my military service and I feel that people wouldn't take me seriously. How am I supposed to deal with that? Just suck it up? This is a ruthless faction because it never seems to have much of a foundation but always manges to flank me!

You know I like being a woman way more than I ever liked being a man. But the truth is that there was some trade offs at least there was for me.

Like you just mentioned I was and had worked my way into a position of high respect. I don't know what it was about thoughs day but I can tell you sometimes I miss it. It is just one of a few things I miss.

So I think it is important to really way out life before anyone makes such drastic changes. Having said that I believe I made the right choice for me but I would tell you really think about things your gonna give up.  Cause there are going to be some things.

I found your post to be honest and forthcoming  I wish you all the best!!!!


Kristina