Non-supportive partners

[T2Logan]

When I met my girlfriend we talked about this a bit and she said she was 110% supportive. When I met her things were wonderful between us. That honeymoon phase. Since that time 1 1/2 years ago things have progressively gotten worse, emotionally/sexually abusive, etc. Well I used to be the shy withdrawn one, but she's broken down that barrier in me and that's good, but the emotional abuse just pushes my buttons. I have all this anger and rage in me due to the past and when she hits those buttons I can't take it anymore and slam the door or slam my fist on the desk (after hours of emotional abuse towards me for days at a time and then i seem to snap). I have never hit her and never will. However, she is now terrified of what T would do to me. She's afraid I'll become the "->-bleeped-<-" a guy is. It has only been recently that I've been talking about wanting T because previously I just wanted top surgery.

She says T is a naturally aggressive thing and that now I'd have an excuse to be mean and aggressive just like all other guys out there. Um no, not all guys are like that and if they are T is NOT an excuse! Oh, did I mention she's a "all guys are horrible they all should die" type of person. She's also afraid I'd hit her and wouldn't be able to control myself. There was a situation where she swears I was going to, but I wasn't so I understand her fear about that.

She doesn't want me to do anything anymore. That support has gone away and that hurts me. She's brought up that maybe just because of my past maybe I should deal with that first. She's like "i'm a lesbian, I like women. I don't want to be with a man." In the beginning she said I am just me. Not a girl or boy, just [insert female name] and said to do whatever i felt comfortable with. She's also stressed out b/c she feels she HAS to now be the girly one if I'm the man. Umm, no she doesn't have to! She can do whatever she wants to be comfortable. Who cares about society! They already see us as a lesbian couple.

I am so hurt by this though. It's like the rug was yanked out beneath me. Yes I have anger issues that I need to resolve and I currently am working on them. However, this leaves me 4 options:

1) Miserable in the relationship if I stay female b/c i'm uncomfortable with myself
2) Miserable broken up and become male b/c I'm not with her
3) Miserable brokekn up and still as female
4) Together and become male with the support

Of course I want to have the 4th option happen, but I dont feel it's possible. She's giving me all these threats of leaving me and doesn't want to be in a relationship where someone is miserable, etc.

I'm rambling too much, I apologize.

[Miniar]

Don't apologize.

It's sad, and it hurts a lot, but sometimes we have to end relationships because they aren't what we need, or worse.

I may be wrong, cause I know neither of you, but based off of what you've posted, the girl you're with today is not the girl you fell in love with.
The problem is of-course that most of us aren't 100% honest during early dating out of fear of "driving the other person away", coupled with the simple undeniable fact that human beings grow and change.

So, the girl you fell for is gone, there's just no way around that. The one you're with at the moment reminds you constantly of that love and so it's hard to accept that she's gone, but she is.
Question is, is this woman that you're with now, someone you can love as is? As well as someone who can love you as who you are?
From what you've said, it sounds like the answer is no.

If the person you're with causes you more pain than happiness, sad as it may be, it's time to walk away.

[Dana Lane]

How about adding 5) Separate for a while so each of you can get your thoughts together?

[Renate]

Just to address one small point:

If you were slamming your fist on the table around me, I'd be scared.
Many incidents of domestic abuse have the abuser saying afterward that they "didn't mean to do it".

I don't like psychological abuse either, but I have no way of really judging the situation.

[Teknoir]

Emotionally/sexually abusive, etc.

Hours of emotional abuse towards me for days at a time

She's a "all guys are horrible they all should die" type of person.

She doesn't want me to do anything anymore.

She's like "i'm a lesbian, I like women. I don't want to be with a man."

She's giving me all these threats of leaving me

I'm sorry to say it, but I think the relationship may have run it's course. It might be time to part ways.

I won't subject you to Uncle Teknoir's Story Time (tm) ... but suffices to say that in my (first hand) experiance, living your life as the opposite gender to appease someone else NEVER is a good thing, and NEVER works. Not in the long run, and not with your sanity circuits intact! It breeds resentment - not something you want in a healthy relationship. It does not solve their issues with control, and emotional blackmail.

From what you've written here, this relationship does not look like a healthy one.

You need to question -
1) Do you enjoy spending time with this person?
2) When you're about to meet with them, are you looking forward to, or secretly dreading it?
3) Is she honestly giving you emotional support, or is she an emotional drain?

and this is the big one...

4) Are they asking you to place their happiness above your own?

You've got some introspection to do! Good luck! 

[T2Logan]

Renate - Oh I would be scared if the situation were reversed as well and I dont say I feel horribly guilty for it. Honestly, it isn't to scare her and I do mean to do it, but to be hurting myself, not to scare her. I do it when I'm so beat down emotionally that I feel *I* deserve the pain. But that's another issue all together...
Post Merge: June 21, 2009, 03:06:41 PM
Miniar - You're absolutely correct. The girl I was in love with isn't there anymore and it hurts a lot. Finally someone that was supportive in so many ways that I never received in my life and now that's disappearning. I've thought so many times of walking away, but for some reason I can't and I'm terrified to do so, but at the same time it's destroying me even more.

Bridgette - yes, that is an option we've thought about due to other reasons. An issue is that we live together. My parents don't know this and the other resident they believe I'm living out lease runs out soon so I'll have no where to go until August when the new lease at a different place starts. So there's a month between places that I could go. I MAY be able to find other options though.

Teknoir - We've been by each others' sides practically 24/7 for the last 18 months. In a way she won't let me go out without questioning and assumes if I want to see friends or talk to them it's talking "->-bleeped-<-" behind her back.  She was giving me emotional support in the beginning about the abuse I've suffered in the past, but she says I don't give her emotional support. Now, this may be true and I don't deny it, but I do try. I've always had trouble showing emotional support or anything emotional (love, joy, sadness, etc.) even though it is inside of me. This hurts her and I know it. However, the emotional support on her end is fading away and all that's coming out is blaming and accusations now. As far as placing others' happiness over my own....that's the story of my life! I always put others first and never care for myself. I'm doing better by trying to stick up for myself, whether it's in my own mind or outwardly.

[GnomeKid]

yea... that happened to me.

Started out all "its okay I still love you, I will always love you for whoever you are" [which I believe she still does just not romantically... she was my best friend first]  then turned into "You're my boyfriend"  [which was nice]  then turned into ".... we have to talk... I don't think I can do this anymore"  [which was not so nice]  I knew she always would (in a relationship) see me as a woman and that is something that I can't do.  I can't let myself be seen that way by someone I love just to be with them romantically.

However that being said 6 months after she broke up with me she came with me and my mom at 6 AM to my top surgery and stayed with me and took care of me for the next week or so/hung out with me and kept me company through it all...

Its a blessing really.  I mean on occasion I wish we were still together... but I know it'd never be what either of us really want or need.  Besides, although I haven't found myself another lover I have learned I have discovered how amazing it feels to have someone truly see you for who you are.  As good as it may feel to be with her now (or before she went tromping on your soul/manliness) it feels 10 BILLION times more amazing to be with someone who will love you for the man you are.

are you willing to give yourself up to be a lesbian with her? 
Whats the point of a relationship if they don't like you?

[Mister]

Here's the deal-- most relationships do not survive transition.  There are some that do, but they were pretty strong beforehand.

As for how to make your partner comfortable with you transition, you can't.  Either she will be or she won't.  All you can do is decide if transition is important and if it is, show her you're still the same person. 

For the record, my pre-transition girlfriend was also cool w/ my transition, as long as I didn't go on T.  Once I did, she was once again fine with things.  After my top surgery, she cried the first time she saw my chest and said she couldn't be with a man.  *shrug*  Nothing I can do about that.  I wish she'd told me sooner, but hey...  she told me as soon as she knew.
Post Merge: June 23, 2009, 01:44:54 AM
Oh, and as for the abuse...  you don't need that BS.  There is no reason to put up with it- ever.

[Camden]

My experience was that she was resentful of it and it became clear she wouldn't see me as a guy. I want a girl who sees me as a guy not as a girl with modifications.

[Teknoir]

She sounds clingy, controlling and emotionally immature.

Emotional maturity is a prerequisite fo a healthy relationship!

And what I ment by the last question, is that SHE sounds like she's demanding you put her happiness over yours. That is a decision that needs to be made by you - not by her.

It doesn't sound like a healthy, mature, beneficial for all involved relationship.

You can't be with someone 24/7, cut off the rest of the world, and expect it to go well. You need other relationships to remain emotionally healthy (and by that, I mean you need to maintain friendships outiside of your relationship - I'm not giving anyone a green light for cheating!). It's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, myself. To share a life with someone, you have to have a life to share!

As odd as it sounds, to be a good partner sometimes you need to sometimes put your own interests first.

[milliontoone]

She doesn't sound likes she has your best interests at ehart to be perfectly honest and it doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy situation to me and trust me I have been in emotionally unhealthy situations.
Along with everything else you have going on right now you really don't need this it is tantamount to emotional abuse.  No-one should have to put up with anything less than 100% support from the people in their life and I'm sorry I know it may sound harsh but if that can't give that then they need to get gone.
Remember keep strong and stay true to who you know you are.