Should I come out to my mother now?

[Galantha]

I have been wanting to tell my mother of my plans to transition, but I have not been able to determine whether it is a good idea or not.  There are several things to keep in mind for this decision:

1.   I am my mother's dependant.  I have finally found a part time job after four years of desperate searching, but it was very hard to find it, and without my mothers help and house I would have probably died on the street long ago.  However, I cannot survive without her support at this time.

2.   My mother used to be a very religious person.  She is not any more, but she still has a strong faith in god, and a strong emotional attachment to her faith.  There is a remote possibility if I come out to her she will kick me out in the street with a rather dismal future that entails (My survival skills are rather weak).

3.   My mother is a very kind and loving person. 

4.   My mother gives me a large amount of direct financial support.  To be specific, she was able to turn me into a large tax write off for the last tax year.  She currently directly pays for my car insurance ($350 / year value), health insurance ($1200 / year value), internet access ($480 / year value), food (unknown?), and shelter (she owns house /w no mortgage).  These numbers may seem low, but these were all things we decided together so they are correct.  My mother and I have always been good at being cheap.

5.   She knows I am desperate for money and is wondering why.

6.   I feel very guilty not telling her now that I am finally starting to move forward with my life again.

7.   I begin the first stage of my facial hair removal July 10th, she is going to know something is up after that.  I might be able to make excuses about how I hate shaving, but that will just put off the inevitable and I know that does not jive with #5.
8.   My part time job as it stands will make me just under $9,000 in spendable income this year if nothing changes (my largest cost is currently gas).  In effect, I would be able to begin transitioning in 2-3 years if I just sit.  If it does go full time (which is a strong possibility) I will double my spendable income.
9.   My mother has considerable assets and my family has a long tradition of interfamily loans.  There is a possibility if she has sympathy on me I can convince her to give me a loan and start the first phase of my transition 3 months from now

I realize at a certain level I am taking advantage of my mother.  However she does not appear to mind and I feel somewhat guilty about using her to finance my living costs without telling her what I am doing with my future.  The downside for me is if I do come out to her there is an unlikely chance she will toss me out in the street.  It is more likely she will disagree with my future and simply ask me to start paying my fair share, which is only reasonable. 

----------------------------------------------------

Other reference:
My transition plans are basically to:
Do hair removal + therapy now (cheap & affordable)
Pull together about $20,000 by whatever means possible (saving, mother loan,  bank loan, but not credit card)
Start HRT for 2-5 months, and when my body is ready go to Thailand for several surgeries.  Come back from Thailand as female /w 30% chance of losing employment. 
Live as a girl for 7 – 10 months.  Go back to Thailand for SRS ($8000k + 2000k expenses).  (In Thailand SRS is 1 year after starting HRT, not 1 year as living as a female)

Unhandled issues:
Name change + legal issues + getting back into the country as a female with a male passport
Voice modification.  I want to do voice surgery, I realize it is of limited effectiveness, but I absolutely do not want to forget and drop into a male voice ever.  I would rather be cursed to whispering then have the chance of sounding like a guy.  I realize even with voice surgery practice and therapy is required.


Anyway, I would appreciate any help, advice, or suggestions provided.

Thanks,
Galantha
Post Merge: July 02, 2009, 11:11:06 AM
*note: This topic probably should be moved to the "Coming out of the closet board"

Thanks,
Galantha

[Genevieve Swann]

Bad situation. You might go ahead and tell her and see what happens. Someday she has to know. May be bad advise but that's what I'd do.

[ArleneTgirl]

It seems when a lot of trans people talk about transition, they immediately think of surgery.  One can transition without any of those things.  The key is living in your chosen gender, not physically changing, then living.  People do transition without hormones or surgeries for various reasons, and function quite well.  Hormones and surgeries just help confirm your gender, but they certainly don't make you male or female. As far as telling your mother, that is always a difficult decision, and ultimately can be made by only you.  You've already gone over the scenarios, and it sounds a bit cliche, but, you will tell her when you are ready.
Of course, I'm not trying to stifle your timeline for hormones and surgery, but just trying to help you put them in perspective.  What if you don't have the funds, will you then not transition?  It all depends on how much you want this, and determine what is realistically attainable. 

[Galantha]

What if you don't have the funds, will you then not transition? 

I am aware there is a large amount of discrimination against people who cannot pass.  Being unable to pass would directily effect my future employablity among other things.  While I do not have anything against people who want to be something inbetween male and female, I personally do not wish to be stuck inbetween the poles.  In short, I want to pass the first day I seriousily attempt to live as a girl.  Perhaps this is far to high of an expectation, but it is my desire.  I do realize that "no one passes", but I do wish to minimize the time this is the case for me.

At the moment, I am of the view point that I need to delay HRT until I get the funds for facial feminization, the trache shave, and some plan together for my voice.  The Hormones have a very high probabliy of being covered by my insurance.  The therapist is free for me, and the facial hair removal is $100 per month at the moment (I sat down with the person who will be doing today and talked it over with her.  Basically laser every 3-4 weeks for a few months followed by electroysis).  The body can wait for now, but will not be hugely expensive.

-- Galantha

[ArleneTgirl]

Although FFS and hormones help "passing", it is not always a requisite.  I didn't mean to offend, but simply offer another perspective.  You obviously have a plan, and I'm sure you will work it.  Incidentally, although I havn't had FFS, I have been on hormones for over a year, and that along with significant weight loss and attitude halps me function quite well in my chosen gender.

[Galantha]

Although FFS and hormones help "passing", it is not always a requisite.  I didn't mean to offend, but simply offer another perspective.  You obviously have a plan, and I'm sure you will work it.  Incidentally, although I havn't had FFS, I have been on hormones for over a year, and that along with significant weight loss and attitude halps me function quite well in my chosen gender.

If your profile is a self portrait, your look spectacular.  I want to believe hormones would be enough, but the mirror tells me different.  I guess more importantly I am self obsessed with what people think about me.  I realize this is entirely a bad reason, but I wish to avoid having people snicker behind my back as much as possible.  In short, I would prefer to avoid attracting unnecessary attention. 

I will never be a super model, but most girls are not.  I may never look all that great. My objective is not to look good, just to pass.  I have a very physically aerobic job that involves me repeating lift 5 pound blocks of cheese, 20 boxes of cheese, and 40 blocks of cheese (positions rotate), same line.  Combined with an 1800 calorie diet that my mother lovingly puts together I have been dropping toward my 190 pound goal at a relatively satisfactory pace for the better part of a year now (I currently weight 225 @ 5'8")(I started this diet long before I was able to find my current job).  On a certain level, my physical figure is not that far away from where I would like it to be right now, but I do not see my face passing.

Thanks for your comments.  Being pushed to justify, or at least think about my plan is a very good thing.  Better for a nice person on the internet to putch holes in it then for real life to punch the holes in it.
-- Galantha

[Renate]

Unhandled issues:
Name change + legal issues + getting back into the country as a female with a male passport

These are all simple bureaucratic details.
With scheduled SRS surgery you can get a one year validity female passport to make your trip.
Even if you don't, passports have to do with identity, not judgment calls.
Say "Hello", present your passport and stand there as they gawk then say, "Thank you, NEXT!"

[Galantha]

Bad situation. You might go ahead and tell her and see what happens. Someday she has to know. May be bad advise but that's what I'd do.

My first meeting with my therapist is next thursday if work does not force a reschedule.  I am thinking it would be a good idea to ask my therapist about coming out to her.  Not really sure.

-- Galantha

[ArleneTgirl]

By all means, discuss this with your therapist, but you will be the one to decide when to tell your mother, and anyone else for that matter.  There is no right answer.  We all have unique and different circumstances.  When the desire to tell her is greater than the fear, then you will do it.

[Galantha]

ArleneTgirl,

I am pretty sure your right about when the desire exceeds the fear.  If you do not mind though, I would like to ask you an unrelated personal question.  How did you deal with your voice?  The more I research this the less attractive voice surgery becomes.  I have read some online guides, and have read a great deal of advertisements for various products.  This also seems to be an item I can start working on right away, without waiting for months or years to go by.  I am under the impression you successfully transistioned without this type of surgery, I was hoping you could make a suggestion if possible.  Thank you very much for your time.

-- Galantha

[ArleneTgirl]

Good question.  Voice is our last great frontier, and you are right, voice surgery isn't a very good solution.  It's pretty much practice and being conscious of it.  I carry on conversations with myself when I drive to and from work.  I make a point of talking to non-trans people, because it's so easy to lapse back into my male voice with those I am comfortable with. I read to my grandchildren when I can.  I took a note card, printed in bold letters V O I C E, crinkled it up, and keep it in a pocket or close at hand, so when I touch it, it makes me concious of how I speak.  I tried a voice training CD, but, didn't feel it helped much.  I'm sure a voice therapist would help, but, deciding on where to spend our funds can limit our choices, so for me, it's practice and being diligent.  Hope these suggestions help? 

[Agent_J]

There is no right answer.  We all have unique and different circumstances.

This, so very much.

I've not told any of my relatives.  For me, the right time, as best I can determine at this point, is when I'm at the point of socially transitioning.  This is based on the considerable history that exists, e.g. that while we have a pleasant relationship now for most of my life the relationship was such that calling it rocky would be putting it in an extremely polite way.

[Janet_Girl]

Galantha,

Only you know  what Mom is like.  Family can go ether way on this issue.  My folks are both gone now, but I think that if I had shown how seriously I want this they would have been supportive.

"Blending" is the most important thing that one must strive for.  Surgeries of any kind are secondary. Your timetable sounds like a wise plan, but you are very dependent on your Mother.  If she decides that she just can't have this in her home, do you have a back up plan?

Maybe start by bringing up GLBT issues and see how she reacts.  Then you can begin to slowly show her that life needs to be on your own terms.

Janet

[Galantha]

Galantha,

Only you know  what Mom is like.  Family can go ether way on this issue.  My folks are both gone now, but I think that if I had shown how seriously I want this they would have been supportive.

"Blending" is the most important thing that one must strive for.  Surgeries of any kind are secondary. Your timetable sounds like a wise plan, but you are very dependent on your Mother.  If she decides that she just can't have this in her home, do you have a back up plan?

Maybe start by bringing up GLBT issues and see how she reacts.  Then you can begin to slowly show her that life needs to be on your own terms.

Janet

I have decided not to tell my mother until I start HRT, unless a good time comes up before then.  We had a long conversation the other day that drifted over to faith and church.  I asked her what her church thought of gay people, and she responded with love the sinner hate the sin mantra.  I argued with her for a while on the jest of how you can call something that is inherently beneficial to both parties sinful.  I then told her I was not gay, but asked her what she would do if I was gay.  She said she would be very disappointed and sad, but she would never kick me out no matter what I did.  I imagine that left her wondering if I am gay, probably left to another conversation down the line. 

On a related subject, I did tell my mother I am trying to remove my beard permanently.  I asked her what I could do about the red welts from the laser hair removal test.  She was a bit surprised by this, but she did accept my reason that I hate shaving, which is an entirely true statement. 

As far as surgery, I have come to the conclusion I will probably not be able to afford the luxuries (trachea shave, breast enhancement, voice) and will only be able to afford what I know I will need (Feminine Facial surgery).  The facial surgery is the expensive one, but if I pinch my pennies I think I can be ready for it in a year as long as hair removal / HRT costs do not go out of control. 

I want to start HRT in three months but I am a bit nervous about it.  Specifically I will need to get by at work as a guy for up to a year (or more).  On a certain level I probably can tell my coworkers I have a hormone imbalance the doctor cannot do anything about if they start asking (mostly true).  However, I have read somewhere one of the side effects of HRT is oil secretions from the breasts, and this had outed one girl at her work.  I need to find more information on this; specifically the timing and what can be done about it.

I do not have a good backup plan right now.  If my mother does toss me into the street I can use the money I am saving up for transition to buy me time.  After that it goes into absurd.  Absurd basically being going to the local rainbow bar and trying to find a boyfriend to live with (unlikely to the extreme).  The local homeless shelters are not only full, they are being shutdown by the city for being "unsightly" according the local news.  Ultimately you do what you have to do to survive, but it turns into an unpleasant life pretty quick.

Thanks for your thoughts,
-- Galantha

Post Merge: July 05, 2009, 06:32:36 AM

Good question.  Voice is our last great frontier, and you are right, voice surgery isn't a very good solution.  It's pretty much practice and being conscious of it.  I carry on conversations with myself when I drive to and from work.  I make a point of talking to non-trans people, because it's so easy to lapse back into my male voice with those I am comfortable with. I read to my grandchildren when I can.  I took a note card, printed in bold letters V O I C E, crinkled it up, and keep it in a pocket or close at hand, so when I touch it, it makes me concious of how I speak.  I tried a voice training CD, but, didn't feel it helped much.  I'm sure a voice therapist would help, but, deciding on where to spend our funds can limit our choices, so for me, it's practice and being diligent.  Hope these suggestions help?

So basically it is a mindset determination thing.  This is helpful.  I have basically decided voice surgery is unaffordable / impractical at the moment.  I was thinking about purchasing Melanie's online guide: "How to Develop a Female Voice" but I am reluctant to spend the money at the moment.  I was thinking of starting a different thread on the subject and hoping to get feed back from someone else who had spent the money.

Thanks for your help,
-- Galantha

[K8]

Glantha,

I agree with Janet.  You might put your toe in the water by talking about gay/lesbian issues with your mother to see how she feels.  But you need a backup plan, too. 

BTW: My sister wasn't enthusiastic about my transitioning until she realized how important and fundamental it is to me.  I've also had a couple of friends say that they were a lot easier with it once they saw that this wasn't a role I was playing but was just being who I really am.  (People can tell.)

Passing is more internal than external.  (According to my therapist, passing is almost completely internal.)  It is nice to have a plan, but don't concentrate on the externals - surgery and the rest.  Passing is more about how you feel about yourself and how you relate to others and how you present yourself to the world.

Yesterday a good friend remarked, out of the blue, that my voice is much more feminine now.  I have practiced and try to stay conscious of it, like Arlene.  (I need to put a reminder in my pocket - good idea.)  I went to a voice coach for a consultation.  She didn't think surgery was ever a good idea - not necessary and too dangerous for so little result.  During our talk she concentrated more on vocal behavior than actual pitch or resonance.  Again, passing is an internal thing.  Be who you are.

Only you can determine when the time is right to tell your mother.  I think you want to keep letting her know how much you appreciate her love and her assistance and her care for you.  I think you want to help her as much as you can, especially since she is helping you so much.  I think that if you love her and appreciate her, as it sounds like you do, that you want to be a loving daughter to her.  And then, eventually, you will let her know of your issues.

*hugs*
Kate

[Galantha]

It would appear I edited my previous post while you were posting K8, my apologies.  Thank you for your thoughts however.  How my sister and the rest of my family reacts is less important.  My brothers are never going to accept it, but on a certain level that does not matter to me.  My sister matters to me, but she is of far more open mind then my brothers. 

Passing is everything to me.  Part of it is because I am women, and I want the the world to acknowledge the girl I am.  Another part of it is I will eventually want to believe I am finally the person I really am, and being able to pass to myself would go along way for that. 

I only have one good friend, and for all intents and purpases he is my only friend.  I know for a fact when I start transistioning he will go sideways on me.  I know this because of the attitude him and his wife have expressed towards transexual people in the past.  On a certain level I view this as the light of the train in the tunnel, but if he chooses to destory our relationship it is on his head.  However, I am left wondering how I am going to make friends that are friendly towards my future self / the person I really am rather then the person I show people now.

Telling my mother is going to be a disaster for her.  I have decided to push it off until I start HRT unless something happens to change my mind.  Your right in that I need to make sure she knows how much I love her.  Beyond that, I am at a bit of a loss on how to pad it for her.

-- Galantha

[Coatl]

Hey Galantha, I don't know much on this, but i wish you all the luck i can! *hugs* As K8 said, bring up the topic of gay/lesbian to her and see her reaction, that's what i did for family members who i was unsure about! Another thing to remember is that you can never be 100% certain how anyone will react, my mom is a vicious type who rarely says 2 words to me, but i told her and shes supportive, took her awhile to come around, but now shes just curious and talkative, and i think this is what will finally bring us together! I really hope your mother takes it well, support from loved ones is a very helpful thing during this time of your life, it can be done alone, but it is so much more difficult. Im sure many amidst this great community can give you all you need to know

Loving support, Emily

[Naturally Blonde]

I have been wanting to tell my mother of my plans to transition, but I have not been able to determine whether it is a good idea or not.  There are several things to keep in mind for this decision:
Thanks,
Galantha

I went through that dilemma some years ago. Although I've always been very fem in my appearance for many years but telling someone you want SRS and a boob job is a different matter. I still haven't put forward everything in detail to my mother and it is a difficult thing to do.

[Galantha]

Thank you everyone for your responses,

-- Galantha

[Galantha]

Well, I came out to my mother yesterday.  It went far better then I expected.  She said she kinda already knew because god had told her. 

Anyway, she does not feel I am who I am, but she also said she would not actively oppose or help me.  I guess this is about to be the best I could reasonably expect.

-- Galantha