Mentally transitioning... and validation

[stacyB]

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

I went to dinner last week with a couple of friends who have successfully transitioned, and since I am starting out the topic turned to the various things I would face as I pursue transitioning. Of course the classic topics of HRT, 24/7, therapy, SRS etc came up, but one of the most pressing topics that came up for me was how to come out to those who have known me all my life in my male form. Specifically my family, close friends and my son.

The conversation turned to the notion of mentally transitioning. Truly coming to terms with yourself... and not so much being prepared for the choices you make as being confident and secure that your choices are right, so that the only preparation comes down to who remains part of you circle and who will part company.

From that came the idea of validation. Why do we need to be validated by others? If we are true to ourselves then validation becomes irrelevant. If we are to live our lives on our terms then we take control of our feelings and emotions.

As if it were really that simple...

This came up because I was talking to them about how I would approach my parents... my teenage son... my childhood friends... those that would have a tough time (at least in my minds eye) dealing with my decisions. So we talked about validation. Why we have to make a choice... do we live by their expectations or do we do what we need to establish our identity, our needs?

On my drive home my head was spinning with the evenings conversation. I called a friend of mine who was one of the first that I told about my GID and my plans outside of my therapist. Someone who has known me for years as my male presentation.  He and his wife have been incredibly supportive.

He knew about my dinner plans because I had told him earlier. I brought up about my concerns with my folks, my son, my friends... some of whom he shares the same history with. From early on he has been a straight shooter... no BS, no sycophantic platitudes. But supportive just the same. I relayed to him my conversation and what was running through my head.

To be clear, this is not about doubt. This isnt about being unsure. My god, if anything everyday that passes it becomes stronger and that much clearer.

But as I was talking to him I realized that it wasnt just in coming out that we seek validation.

I was somewhat nervous about dinner, as this was the first time we met in person. Spent extra time I normally dont getting ready for the evening. When we made plans for dinner we didnt really talk about how we expected to be dressed. So when they showed up dressed more casually, I felt a bit awkward. But was it really about the evening itself? How we showed up? What we talked about? It hit me on my drive home... was I looking for validation from them too? Why was I so nervous, as Ive met others before from online.

Heres where it gets even more complicated. In spite of their more casual appearance, I swear if I didnt know they had transitioned I would not have been able to distinguish them from any other GG. And Im talking about GGs that can present well and look the part. One of them still seems concerned even after transitioning about presentation... and yet in my head Im thinking, would that I could look half as good I would be satisfied. And yet from their perspective I think they saw me better than I could see myself.

It made me think that maybe mentally transitioning is not about losing the need for validation. I think we all need it, and I dont believe that anyone here can completely escape that no matter how well adjusted (or not) they may be. So it has to be something else. Because sooner or later we all come to terms with moving on, regardless of what others may think.

So it must be about more than that. Ive been thinking about this for the last week now, and the only thing that is clear in my head... its not a question of if... not even necessarily a question of when... but a question of how... and how to get from here to there... mentally, physically, emotionally.

[Meshi]

Wow!  You are askin about a lot of variances of issues, lol!  I started physical transition a yr ago with estradiol and spironolactone.  About 6 months later i decided to go to  a dr for the  meds instead of online...during this time i was getting laser hair removal and electrolysis.  I have most hair removed, and had FFS done in May by Dr. 0 14 hrs total in surgeries.  I just received my letter for SRS from my therapist.. All i will need is the 2nd letter and i have that # to schedule the evaluation for that letter.  Im getting implants  in Aug and plan on getting SRS in Oct  or Nov.   Just giving alittle  background..Ive done my homework and  i am overly a perfectionist.  All the while i took  care of my  father who passed at 93.   He  decided he didnt want to eat anymore..lost the drive to live.  I took  care of him for 7yrs since my mothers death in 02'.  Here is my mindset.  Yes, you have to  care because you have a child..or anyone you feel is very close  to you,  but i/myself had a  great love for my  father,  as i  do  my  wife.  Those are  the  only ppl i  care about.  I  could  care less who knows.  I dont care what they have to say behind my back or ppl that stare.  Im doing this for  me.  If  they dont like it, it is  on them.  I  have done  my best to be who i am...Tell me??? Who else is there to judge? except for the  higher power...After my father's passing my whole mindset changed..I only love  my wife and  i do  love her parents, but as far as "friends" etc. why care so much.  Imo, you are the only  judge and  jury of yourself...Just explain to them that you are TS.  It is up to them if they want to deal with  it or not.  I could  care less about  what ppls negatives  are about me.  It  is my  life  and i will  live  it how i  want.  I  dont  run anyone else's life and i dont expect anyone to run  mine.  I  only have to answer to myself and im my  case God. Take care and hope  you work this out inside  yourself.  0x

[Janet_Girl]

Transitioning isn't just about presenting your internal gender.  It is all about the mental transitioning.  As one becomes more in tune with that inner person, you become more integrated.  This is the main reason that RLE is so long. 

As you become the inner person the confidence builds and the need for validation decreases.  That does not mean that being told you look good or that you are very pretty.  Any woman or man likes to hear that.  But validation comes from within.  Whether dealing with family or friends, when you have validation from within, the without does not matter.  Because you show that you have your validation and their opinion isn't going to change anything.

I have discovered this really early when I went full time.  I validate myself by enjoying my life as a woman.  And others see that and they seem to just accept the fact that I am a woman, not just a transwoman.

Janet

[Tammy Hope]

Wow, good post but also pretty hard for me to wrap my head around how to respond.

All I can say is I kind of get the whole issue of personal validation.

It might not be exactly what you mean but the hardest thing for me about this is to really mentally claim the title of "woman"

I don't know if it's typical of this journey or not, but for me, there's still some indefinable disconnect between internally KNOWING I'm a woman and somehow not being able to 100% "inhabit" that identity.

I think I know that my mirror is my enemy in this thing. When I look at things I'm happy about - my hair, freshly polished nails, newly shaven legs....I feel it. but when I look at things I hate - the shadow, the weight, the god-forsaken stubble that is EVERYWHERE by the second day after a shave...then i feel like I'm a thousand miles away from Laura.

Am I making sense?

And when I feel the distance between being a woman and BEING a woman, that's when i lose the confidence that's so crucial to how you present yourself to the world and that just makes it worse.

I long for the day when I'm checking out and I compliment the girl on her earrings and it FEELS to the very tip of my toes like both she and I know we're just two girls chatting about jewelry and nothing else.

[Hannah]

Stacy, I think you have a beautiful mind. Those are hard things to process. I'm not sure there are adequate words really to describe the scope and depth of what wer'e looking for, but I think Janet came about as close as possible.

[Janet_Girl]

The best thing that I can think of for validation is what my girlfriend always says. "Own the ground you're standing on".  Just claim the title of woman and don't let go.

She is not only beautiful and intelligent, but every inch a woman.

Janet

[Tammy Hope]

I validate myself by enjoying my life as a woman.  And others see that and they seem to just accept the fact that I am a woman, not just a transwoman.

THAT is the place I want to get to!

[Janet_Girl]

It is very simple, Laura.  Just claim the title of woman.  Nothing more and nothing less.  The rest is just window dressing.


Janet

[stacyB]

Transitioning isn't just about presenting your internal gender.  It is all about the mental transitioning.  As one becomes more in tune with that inner person, you become more integrated.  This is the main reason that RLE is so long. 

As you become the inner person the confidence builds and the need for validation decreases.  That does not mean that being told you look good or that you are very pretty.  Any woman or man likes to hear that.  But validation comes from within.  Whether dealing with family or friends, when you have validation from within, the without does not matter.  Because you show that you have your validation and their opinion isn't going to change anything.

I have discovered this really early when I went full time.  I validate myself by enjoying my life as a woman.  And others see that and they seem to just accept the fact that I am a woman, not just a transwoman.

Janet

I absolutely agree, and if I wasnt clear I didnt mean to make this about presentation. On the contrary, it is but one of many ways we seek validation from others.

What has surprised me, especially since I have come here as well as from other places is that validation runs the gamut across all TS, and it doesnt always seem to be contingent which end of the journey (pre/post SRS) some fall. Ive seen posts here by more than one person who still have internal struggles even as they pursure the mental and physical process of transitioning. Actually, its what makes this place so real, because no one pulls punches, and everyone is honest even if it means exposing their own hopes and fears.

I think what I was targeting is more how to deal with those that have always seen you one way. No amount of presentation or attitude seems to change how those that think they knew us all our lives perceive us. People by their nature resist change, and when we shatter the vision they have of ourselves it can make for a rocky and difficult interaction. Its not about caring what people think either... Im going to do what I need to... but there is always collateral damage to deal with. There is a huge difference in pretending it doesnt matter vs. dealing with the consequences and moving on in a positive manner.

Just claim the title of woman.  Nothing more and nothing less.  The rest is just window dressing.

I do agree ... I am staking my claim as a woman and ultimately, validated or not... thats my place in life to keep.

[Meshi]

there is no pretending it doesnt matter if it is someone that is close to you..., but there is little you can do to change what a person might think..It is something they will have to deal with.  You just have to tell them or plan how you are going to present it to them.  After that its their decision on how they feel.  What i was trying to explain is that its  alot about how you present yourself and how you feel.  If you are TS you already should be validated within yourself.  You validate by telling ppl honestly and directly..imo you shouldnt have to justify yourself after explaining.

[Tammy Hope]

Well, there's that too. I have much fewer issues "claiming the title" with people I have come out to than I do with those I haven't.

Of course, you can't really directly address the checkout girl. the truth is, she really doesn't care (unless you come in the bathroom with her  ) but as an internal process, you take someone like my hairdresser. I can come a lot closer to "being Laura" in full bloom with her than I can with someone I haven't told.

But then, everyone here has at one time or another commented on the ugly "middle times" between when you start coming out and when you go full time and that's where I am.

I shouldn't expect that stage to be any easier for me than for anyone else.

[Lori]

its not a question of if... not even necessarily a question of when... but a question of how... and how to get from here to there... mentally, physically, emotionally.

If you figure it out, pm the answer PLEASE.

[Buffy]

A good topic of conversation.

I have a great life now, something I only ever dreamed about all those years ago. The mental side of transition was for me, the hardest to crack and something I struggled with for a time, even post op.

Its not that  I had any problems with the physical aspects of transitioning, but even after my dream had become reality, I still felt uneasy about my life and myself. Really I can sum this up in three areas as follows:

Letting go of the past, ditch the guilt;

The loss of my family and their lack of support had a great effect on me, I felt deep guilt about leaving them and finding a life that I could relate to. To never see my sons is something I struggled with deeply until I have come to accept that that is something outside of my control and it is their choice.

Seeing what other people see, hearing what other people hear;

For a long time I just couldn't get what people saw in me that I couldn't, I would look in the mirror and see something looking back which was not female. However, my friends all told me that I looked and spoke just like any other woman, even though I didn't believe myself the validation of others , especially those close to you is key. My mindset is very much now, that whatever I think of myself is not a reflection of what the majority of society see's or hears in general.

Learn to change, stop being afraid;

The biggest mental validation for me when I went shopping one day with three very close friends, only one of which knows my past. It was a day that really turned my life in the right direction , a day when my closest friend told me the truth. I have never liked dresses, I just dont like to see myself in them. My three friends picked out a wonderful dress, but I was so reluctant to try it on, because I wish simply afraid to see myself in it (sad or what). I got the call to go to the rest room with my closest friend who just stood their and said "When the ->-bleeped-<- are you going to stop being a transsexual, after all you have been through, you have earned the right to stop being afraid, the world sees you as a woman, now get on with life!". True words indeed.

Its hard eneough without the physical changes to be accepted in your life, but when you are fighting your own inner demons, fears and paranoia, that is simply in your own head it is even more difficult.

My closest friend is getting married later in the year and has asked me to be the maid of honour, my reply was "only if I can wear a pretty dress"

Rebecca

[placeholdername]

'Mentally Transitioning' is something I'm only at the tip of the iceberg with, but validation in general is something I have a lot of experience with... and the secret is this: external validation is a lie you tell yourself.  When you think, oh I really hope/wonder if this or that person approves of how I'm acting/how I look, what's really going on is that *you* are unsure of yourself and rather than admit 'I am insecure' it's easier to run yourself in circles thinking about what other people think about you.  I do this to myself all the time with all sorts of things, TS related or not.  Every time that I catch myself thinking about someone else's opinion of me I can always trace it back to some insecurity I have about myself.  And that's where the only real progress can be made, because in the end other people are irrational and there are going to be people who disapprove/etc no matter what you do.  But when you look at your own insecurities, you can say 'yeah that's actually pretty valid' and figure out something to do about it, or 'I'm just being crazy, that doesn't matter at all' and then go on with your life.  It's a lot easier to say than to do, but it is *simple* even if it is hard.

[jillblum]

Stacy,
I'm in a similar place in transition. I too, inspite of my convictions am not looking forward to the complexity of explaining myself to relatives and old friends.

My wife is with me through anything. ( we married after I began transition) My best male friend of 20 years surprised me with his overwhelming support. I hope my folks will take it okay. My siblings will be fine. My son is my only serious concern. I guess everyone else can take a long walk on a short pier.

My therapist says that self acceptance comes in cycles over a lifetime. It's niether static or linear. In general I think our lives are about getting comfortable being uncomfortable. At least this early on.

I'm proud to be one of the women who calls Susan's home

Jill

[heatherrose]

From the time which we received our first scars, at the realization that our natural
presentation and expressive nature was not that which was acceptable, for the gender
into which we were born, we started to hide our individualism. Every time we changed
something about ourselves in hopes of regaining the approval of society, we would bury
our true nature a little deeper behind the facade that we built. At the point that we
all seem to come to, where we will no longer abide by that which we know is a lie,
all that we know is that our spirit cries out for freedom. When we finally tear down our
carefully constructed facade, what stumbles from the rubble, shielding it's eyes from
the bright sunshine, scared and ignorant, is an emaciated figure of what was once our
individualism. All that we know for sure is that it is female and we are ecstatic that it is free.
We know nothing of her care and feeding because we have spent a goodly portion of
our lives building the facade and have shunned all things female. We do the best we can
and after hours or days and hundreds of dollars of careful preparation, we take
our first timid steps into our bright new world and the mailman says,...

"Here's your J.C. Whitney catalog, SSSIIIRRR"...

After decades of abuse and seclusion, is it really that difficult to understand
why this fragile little girl seeks validation of her very existence
at every turn and from whom ever she can?

[Renate]

Well, starting out you shy away from a bald-faced statement like, "I am a woman".
As time goes by, you can say it without feeling awkward in the least.
As Janet Lynn said, this declaration is the core of transition.

That being said, to have your internal feelings seconded by family, friends, co-workers and strangers is the gravy.

[Tammy Hope]

'Mentally Transitioning' is something I'm only at the tip of the iceberg with, but validation in general is something I have a lot of experience with... and the secret is this: external validation is a lie you tell yourself.  When you think, oh I really hope/wonder if this or that person approves of how I'm acting/how I look, what's really going on is that *you* are unsure of yourself and rather than admit 'I am insecure' it's easier to run yourself in circles thinking about what other people think about you.  I do this to myself all the time with all sorts of things, TS related or not.  Every time that I catch myself thinking about someone else's opinion of me I can always trace it back to some insecurity I have about myself.  And that's where the only real progress can be made, because in the end other people are irrational and there are going to be people who disapprove/etc no matter what you do.  But when you look at your own insecurities, you can say 'yeah that's actually pretty valid' and figure out something to do about it, or 'I'm just being crazy, that doesn't matter at all' and then go on with your life.  It's a lot easier to say than to do, but it is *simple* even if it is hard.

Oh my.

I think Ketsy wins the thread.

SO much wisdom here.

I gotta say though, that with this thread kind of giving me a chance for self evaluation - it really is all about the fat.

I think the thing standing between me and a full bore presentation is the belly. And THAT i can (and am) do(ing) something about.

[Nero]

Oh my.

I think Ketsy wins the thread.

SO much wisdom here.

I gotta say though, that with this thread kind of giving me a chance for self evaluation - it really is all about the fat.

I think the thing standing between me and a full bore presentation is the belly. And THAT i can (and am) do(ing) something about.

Don't fall into the body trap so many women do, Laura. Women have bellies too.

[Tammy Hope]

Don't fall into the body trap so many women do, Laura. Women have bellies too.

Oh I know. But women with bellies as big as mine also have big soft DDs laying atop them which I don't. And usually a pretty wide tush which I don't.

It's not the belly, it's the belly by itself.

(not that I want to be fat all over, just sayin)

One thing I do - I assume we all do - is make a study of women I see around me. I was always attracted to petite women so for most of my life, while repressing, I pretty much paid little attention to tall or big girls.

now that I know I'm going tobe one of them, for the last year or so, I have been almost rude in studying other women shoe seem to be, say, 5'9" and up and comparing myself in terms of presentation. Hairstyles, manner of dress, proportions, and so forth.

And I can't remember the last time I saw a woman with a big belly and wasn't chubby in her breasts and backside too.

In any case, even if I do as poorly in the next year as I did in the last year, I can still be way more credible in the 200 neighborhood than in the 250 neighborhood.

But like I've said elsewhere, my goal is to average 2 pounds a week. that's not too much to ask, is it?