Really, really bad day

[Hannah]

I put this in the Therapy section because after today I think I'll need at least another years worth. It has been a really, really bad day. I'm very aware of the power of words to stab and cut, but I somehow thought I was tougher than that, that I could take anything.

I had some business to take care of at school today. It didn't need to be anything difficult, just putting the finishing touches on financial aid for the fall term...but I got somebody with a combination of being new and lazy, and had to work at extracting information from her and keep bugging her to get her to do anything for me. After a while she got impatient when she realised I wasn't just going to go away, and called someone else over to help her. That's when it started.

Usually I'm treated with incredible respect at school. My federal papers still have a male name on it, but I present a female appearance so they just refer to me as "hon" or "sweety", one even uses a feminised version of my male name. I've become accustomed to this level of dignity, so when the lady came up and looked at the computer screen, then at me, and said "what can I do for you sir" it registered...but hey I figured it's going to happen sometimes, I can deal with it. But, then she went on. "I'm sorry Sir, I don't understand."..."Look Mister, you need to be more clear" The original one caught on, and joined in, every sentence starting and ending with "sir, Sir, SIR". With every utterance it hit me harder and more pointed and deeper, and they just kept up, toward the end almost spitting it at me, and I finally couldn't bear it anymore.

Well they got what they wanted, I went away. I excused myself and went in the bathroom broke down in tears. It doesn't sound like a lot, I know, but it was quite deliberate and it really wounded me. They were staying within social convention, on paper they did not do anything wrong, but if you'd been there you'd know what I'm talking about.

I need some coping strategies for these situations. How do you all cope because I'm at a loss right now. The only other way I know to deal with this kind of hurt and pain is to swallow it, and that's a very self-defeating, male approach. I don't think I even could swallow it if I wanted too, I seriously doubt it would stay down. I can't wither like that whenever I'm faced with resistance and insult, I have to go back tomorrow and try to actually finish my business, it's not going to finish itself. This was the first time I've really been...attacked in such a fashion and this was NOT the way I hoped to react. I had these grand, witty, equally insulting comments all planned out that I would make in return, instead all I did was turn inward and run away.

[Janet_Girl]

I am sorry you had to be assaulted in that manner.  This is how I would respond this situation.

Report them to their supervisor.  It is call verbal assault and let it be known you will not tolerate it in ANY FASHION.  If that does not get anyway go to the Head Supervisor or Dean.  This requires a written apology on the part of the offenders.

Do not allow them to get away with this kind of abuse.  If required go to the campus GLBT group.

Janet

[tekla]

Get your name and papers to match who you are.

[fae_reborn]

Even if you haven't gotten your name or gender changed "officially," it shouldn't be a problem for them to change your name and use the proper pronouns if you're presenting as female.

I agree with Janet, go to their supervisor or the dean and demand an apology.  That kind of behavior, especially in a college environment (of all places!) is highly inappropriate and unprofessional, not to mention downright rude.  I transitioned in college too and received a few rude comments here and there, but nearly all faculty/staff/administrators treated me with respect, just like everyone else.

You deserve the same sweetie.  Best of luck. (((HUGS)))

[heatherrose]

Let's set the whole "deep rooted gender identity" issue aside from the situation,
for just a minute. How would you have responded if her verbal attack had gone
something like this? "What can I do for you, a--hole"..."I'm sorry S---head, I
don't understand."..."Look f---face, you need to be more clear", this in all actuality
is what this biotch was saying, if I'm reading your post correctly. In this instance
would you have curled up and cried or would you have stood up and defended
yourself against such a vicious verbal attack? If the later is the case, why would
your reaction be any different because she substituted a few words to provide
herself a thin shield of plausible deniabilty.

Why does it seem like we allow our detractors to use our own fragility as a weapon
against us. I spent decades allowing myself to be cowed into repressing my gender
expression. Heather is now in control and I WILL defend myself and stand
shoulder to shoulder with those of a like mind.

But that's just me.

[Hannah]

I admire your demeanor Heather, but how did you get there? I'm bothered by the way they treated me, alot, but what really bothers me is my reaction.

I'm feeling a lil bit better now. I went out and got some of those Incoco nails and some swiss cheese, I'll try them out when I'm done eating 

[fae_reborn]

Here here Heather!  (I have a bat cuz I hate guns, that's just me)

Becca, you just need confidence, and that takes time to build up, believe me.  It took me a while, but now I stand up when someone calls me the wrong name or uses the wrong pronouns.  Case in point, I went to get new lenses for my frames today, and I had gotten a postcard addressed to me with the prefix "Mr." which got me pretty upset, so when I went in I calmly but firmly said, "I received a postcard from here a week ago addressed to Mr. [last name], and this is incorrect.  It's Ms. or Miss [last name]."  They checked it and it turned out to be a glitch in their computer (it said Mrs. in the file), they were apologetic about it, fixed it, and the problem was resolved.

Just be patient with yourself, and stand up for who you are.  Don't let anyone take your identity from you either, because it's all you have.

[V M]

Patients, confidence, calm but firm. Those are some very key points that Fae brings up.

Understandably, it is not always easy to keep your composure when folks act as inapropriately as those you had to put up with at the school. I would report them. Show confidence and patients and be calm but firm with a smile when you discuss their inappropriate behavior with who ever is in charge there 

[Janet_Girl]

I admire your demeanor Heather, but how did you get there? I'm bothered by the way they treated me, alot, but what really bothers me is my reaction.

I'm feeling a lil bit better now. I went out and got some of those Incoco nails and some swiss cheese, I'll try them out when I'm done eating 

My Baby has been in the trucking industry for quite awhile and you get quite a attitude dealing with some of the idiots that call themselves truckers, dispatchers and shippers..

She is a very strong woman, one of the many things that I love about her.  But I am sure she will answer for herself, as I know she will.

Janet

[Mister]

Get your name and papers to match who you are.

This.

Why get used to something that's so easy to change?

[heatherrose]

...some swiss cheese

I've always found "swiss cheese" to be a fantastic intestinal fortifier 


Seriously Doll, it comes in baby steps.

Tekla, in her trademark, touchy feely presentation, kind of touched on a very
important point pertaining to this issue. (Granted, the offending wench didn't ask
for your credentials before she initiated her attack) There needs to be a foundation
that you can stand on, some milestone you can point to and say this is WHO I AM
and OWN it. It is undeniable how empowering it is to simply have the picture on your
ID match your prefered presentation. In the eyes of society it lends a quantity, albeit
a small amount, of credibility to your demands to be considered a (fill in the blank)

You have to establish your boundries, what you will tolerate, from who and how flexible
you're willing to be with strangers. Always consider, "Did this person say "this" out
of ignorance or arrogance?", and match your reaction to that assessment. Like anything,
confidence in your convictions requires practice. Don't allow yourself to be blindsided,
envision different scenarios and situations of various encounters and imagine how
you would react to them. In these scenarios, I don't believe that you would imagine
yourself crumbling into a pile of "Jello". If you witnessed someone engaged in an
unprovoked attack on someone else would you stand by and do nothing, if
not why would you allow YOURSELF to be attacked, unprovoked?

Don't allow yourself to ever justify another persons attack on you because of
your prefered presentation. As long as you are decently (we ALL have some inkling
what the idea of decency is) attired, you own the right to remain unaccosted. An attack
on someone because of an atypical gender representation is akin to assaulting a person
because they have a facial abnormality. By stepping out of the gender "rank and file"
you have announced to the world your intention to exist as YOU see fit, on your terms.
OWN it and DEFEND it. If you do not, someone WILL take it away from you.

Most importantly, pick your battles, and be vigilant but never lose you sense of
humor, if you don't have one GET one. Learn to laugh at yourself and at the morons that
pester you but never let a full out attack go unanswered, in some form or fashion.

[Alyssa M.]

Hi Becca,

That sounds awful. I don't really deal with it well myself, and I tend to lose my composure if someone attacks me (or even just slips) like that. Every time someone uses male pronouns or "sirs" me, I'm just crushed, and I'm not in any position to be able to respond. But I can usually respond later.

A few examples: A girl I'd only met a couple times, and whom I originally met presenting as a guy, used "he" a few times -- but pretty clearly -- without even thinking about it when I was talking with her at a party. Even that little thing hurt enough I couldn't pay attention and I left. I realized that part of it was that I wasn't sure if she even knew it was wrong. I came back later and told her that it wasn't okay, and she was genuinely apologetic. Talking about it helped a lot.

A waiter said "thank you, sir" after checking my ID. He lost his tip.

A girl I'd just met at a party referred to me as "he -- I mean she" ... And I just dealt with it. She knew she screwed up, so there was nothing to do. It still hurt, but it wasn't mean, at least. I tried to accept it as what it was, a sign that I don't pass as much as I want to (i.e., always and unfailingly), so there's room to improve.

In your situation, I don't know what else to do but pretty explicitly tell them that it's not okay to call you "sir." The clever retorts you are talking about always sound good in your head, but never seem to be there when you need them -- but I don't think they help anyway. Calmly (after you get calm) telling them that they are being very rude and insulting usually will humiliate them sufficiently that they will apologize and change their attitude. Moreover, it gives you confidence that you can deal with it. Complaining to the higher-ups often just makes people upset and doesn't make you feel any better, so I'd only use it if they don't apologize and start treating you with respect.

I try to remember that for each one of those negative experiences that seem to knock down the house of cards of my confidence, there are many wonderfully positive experiences. Tekla's right, too -- knowing that it's a problem that will go away makes it seem much less significant.

~Alyssa

[Britney_413]

Sorry to hear about that. I've never been in that situation because I'm not full-time nor have I begun an actual transition. Some people have different emotional reactions to different things. While some people (such as yourself) when hurt may decide to go away from the situation and cry, I tend to get angry (although I may cry later). I can't say for sure what I would have done but if I was angry enough that I didn't care about embarassing myself, I may have put up an attitude in response. This would be something along the lines of a stern "Treat me with respect. Stop calling me sir." If they got real nasty, I may assert that I am transgender and the right to receive equal service to any other student. If they refuse service, I may even refuse to leave and if they threaten to call the police, go ahead. The scene would likely attract attention from a student newspaper which would put an article in exposing the abuse to the higher-ups in the school hopefully resulting in either stern reprimanding of the employee or firing followed by an official apology.

Had I instead chosen the option you did and walked away, I certainly would follow up through the proper non-angry channels (since it is now after the fact). This would include letters and phone calls to the employee's superiors as well as contacting the newspaper and relevant student organizations if necessary. Either way, don't put up with that crap. Good luck.

[heatherrose]

I admire your demeanor Heather, but how did you get there?

My Baby has been in the trucking industry for quite awhile...

I guess you could say I've been driven to it.

A waiter said "thank you, sir" after checking my ID. He lost his tip.

Did he know why? I would have asked him, "Why did you refer to me as sir?"
Then I would have gauged the tone and sincerity of his answer. If I noted
contrite confusion in his reply, I would have said, "I would appreciate it if you
would please address me as I am presenting myself." and his attitude after that
would decide whether he would be left a tip. If when I asked him, "Why did you
refer to me as sir?", he gave me some sort of crappy attitude I would have told
him point blank, "You just lost your tip, I want to speak to the manage, NOW!"

[Arch]

You might also take along an ally next time you go in to talk to these yahoos. Someone who accepts you as you are, uses the proper pronouns, and brings in some confidence to make up for what you haven't built up yet.

And a cloak of bravado. That has always helped me through some of the toughest situations.

[heatherrose]

And a cloak of bravado.

Mine's more of a union suit

[V M]

You might also take along an ally next time you go in to talk to these yahoos. Someone who accepts you as you are, uses the proper pronouns, and brings in some confidence to make up for what you haven't built up yet.

And a cloak of bravado. That has always helped me through some of the toughest situations.

Bringing along an advocate who can deal with and wont put up with anyone's stinky stuff is a good idea. If such a person is not available, and you have to go it alone. Guess who has to be the tactful bulldog of sorts?
Patients, Confidence, Calm but firm

[heatherrose]

Patients, Confidence, Calm but firm

Please do not miss understand me. I am not "a cow in a china shop".
I seek to make friends where ever I go, armed with a smile and a kind word,
BUT I take NO B.S. I will be cowed by NO ONE any longer.

[V M]

Please do not miss understand me. I am not "a cow in a china shop".
I seek to make friends where ever I go, armed with a smile and a kind word,
BUT I take NO B.S. I will be cowed by NO ONE any longer.

I don't think anyone is calling you "a cow in a china shop" I think you're the type of advocate I would bring with me. But so many, like myself are left to deal with stuff on their own and must take the inspiration of others and deal with various situations. It is part of growing. Will you or I always be there to help deal with everyones situation? I actually take much of my inspiration from Susan. Shhhh, don't tell her 

[Hannah]

Thank you for being here everybody. 
Changing my name at this point isn't a possibility, I was planning to do it on my hrt anniversary and though it's tempting, really very tempting, I'm going to stick with that plan. It wouldn't have made a difference in this case anyway, they were doing it deliberately to hurt me and punish me for being a pest.

I'll take a friend with me tomorrow, that's a good idea. It just so happens I run with the biggest, meanest lesbian in town, and she is very much a bull in a china shop. Let's see these imtimidatingly pretty, petite little brats sir her.