I guess I want to use this as my introduction thread. I'm currently very unsure of what, exactly, I am or if that even is a meaningful question. I was hoping by coming here I could gain some insight, see that I'm not the only one, maybe even get some new friends. Here goes.
I am male... physically.
In terms of how I think? who knows. When I was growing up I thought I had multiple personalities. Just different people inside of me that would come out at different times. There were some instances where they would contradict each other, such as this.
I am a crossdresser. I've been doing it since I was six, and this is where my confusion started. I was growing up in a community that was very homophobic, and I followed suit. The last thing I wanted was to be called gay, which was very difficult to manage at an age where most young boys call each other gay at the slightest provocation. However, I kept on with the crossdressing. I enjoyed it, and it excited me. I would go in to a bathroom at home and try on the clothes left lying around (I was still in elementary school).
This, was only one of my personalities. The other was totally disgusted with what I was doing.
After the temptation passed and I was back in my room, I would feel disgusted with what I had just done. I was terrified I was gay, convinced of it. I remember asking god why I was chosen to be this way. This was made even worse when the cross dressing started to excite me in other ways, when it started becoming sexual... then I hated myself. I would enjoy it, all the while suppressing my disgust until my mood had changed, and I wanted to get rid of these clothes that were on me as fast as I could. I didn't want to be gay
...but I wasn't. At the time, I didn't really have an understanding of what gay meant, just that any mention of this getting to my schoolmates would cause them to label me as gay. However, I was not, and still am not, at all attracted to men.
It seems, so far, that what I've said points to me being a ->-bleeped-<-. But I think back on my younger years, and I see things that I was ashamed of, but that I believe are significant. I never was like other guys. They were often doing things that I just wasn't interested in. I wanted to be friends with the girls, but they were all disgusted by me aside from a select few who I always looked forward to seeing (The way things worked out, I was the lowest person in middle school. I was the fat kid that everyone made fun of and went out of their way to make feel bad).
I'm finding it really hard to express myself now at 4:47 AM with so many thoughts rushing through my head, but I'll try and sum up what I'd been trying to get to with all the history.
I am male. I am attracted to females. But I feel like there is so much more to that. I enjoy having girls as friends, love interests, and anything. I just prefer their company. There are a few guy friends that I have, but for the most part I'm comfortable around girls. I've always wanted, for the longest time, to be accepted in their circles. It pains me that there are girls out there who would trust another girl with information by virtue of her being female, that they would not share with me.
I don't know if any of that is related. I just know that if there were a chance for me to instantly become female, I believe I would take it. I can't be sure what would happen if presented with the opportunity, but at this point I would definitely say yes. But I can't. I'm 6' tall, big boned, masculine, hairy, and it pisses me off that I don't think I'll be able to pass as female.
I apologize for this incoherent jumble of thoughts. To sum it up, I really don't have any idea what I am, or (like I said before) if that's even a meaningful question.
I'm sorry if I'm going to use these terms wrong, but here goes.
I am not a homosexual. I have no attraction to other men.
I am not strictly transgendered nor am I a transsexual. I do not believe I am mentally female. Considering my physique and the old-fashioned mind-set of my family, I don't intend to undergo SRS. Hormone therapy is tempting... but pragmatism is holding me back.
Signs point to ->-bleeped-<-, but I have problems with this. I feel like there is much more to the story, and I feel that labeling myself as one would make it difficult for people to take me seriously, that they'll label me a filthy pervert and move on.
I would love nothing more than to be androgynous, but I can't (physically). Mentally, I want to say I am based on more than I can express in this confused collection of thoughts. I don't have any desire to be around other guys, in fact I'm much more comfortable being around girls (unlike most guys, apparently). I would much rather have a female room mate, I would much rather..
sorry. One of my rants is starting. I do believe I am mentally androgynous, but I don't have any proof, or any hard reason. It just feels "right" to me. I know that's good enough for me, but does self-belief get me accepted in the eyes of the community? Then again, do I even care?
