Am I.. Adrogyne? Bigender?

[Inanna]

Lately I've been wondering what category I fit in.  At first I presumed TS, but I don't know if that encompasses all that I am.  I identify as female, having the experience of the first 20 years of my life as male, being raised as male, taught male manners, and attempting to be a male as well as I could manage before I knowing what I do now.  I never questioned being female, nor did I even question whether I should transition when I learned it was possible.

I don't feel genderqueer at all, and I don't feel like I'm somewhere between male and female.  I feel that my male self is still quite alive and well, just as a separate entity of my female self.

Even though I saw myself as a girl throughout my childhood, I didn't know there were options like hormones till quite recently.  So I accepted my fate as optimistically as I could and strove to be the image of what I thought a true man ought to be: patient, understanding, selfless, the immovable pillar of support that friends and family could lean on when their own troubles overwhelmed them.  And though I don't know how well I lived up to this standard I set, I think I'm much better off for the experience of trying. 

In other words, I don't view my past as a male as a source of pain and regrets, but as  a source of growth and learning full of cherished memories (In fact, I sometimes feel sorry for cispeople that only experience half of life's possibilities).  So many TSs I have known seem to want to bury their time as a male utterly, as if it was someone else's experiences, not their own.

So now I'm curious if I'm androgyne or bigender.  My female and male thought patterns are very, very distinct, yet occurring in parallel.  I don't 'switch' between male and female; both sides are always present. Of course, sometimes I feel closer to one than the other.  If I had to give it a ratio, I'd say 75 female/25 male on a normal day, but sometimes I barely hear my male voice, and sometimes they're both about equal or leaning male.  If I could create my own gender category, it'd be "Female that took in a stray male and adopted him as her own".

Probably sounds really crazy, I know...

[Emerald]

"While an androgynous person retains the same gender-typed behaviour across situations, the bigendered person consciously or unconsciously changes their gender-role behaviour from primarily masculine to primarily feminine, or vice versa."

More info here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigender

-Emerald

[Nicky]

Sounds perfectly normal to me.

I think we all have these images in our heads of what a women or man is supposed to be like. But in reality people are more varied than society would like us to know.

They key bit I heard was you said "I identify as female". Whatever you do or think that sounds like the core of it. I think that whatever you are now that is the woman you are. Make sense? If you were androgyne or bigender I am not sure you would be able to assert so confidently that "I never questioned being female"

I think many of us in the mtf direction have created a male persona to protect us and keep us safe. I think this can sometimes work against us when we want to emerge as the people we are inside as it stands as a gatekeeper to keep us in, but sometimes it is a valuable resource. I would not be surprised if you have developed a male voice in your head from all your time living as a male. I had one but it has mostly faded away, still have some layers there though.  

Not all transexuals want to bury their past. For many it is a source of pain, something to forget, a life of misery. It makes perfect sense to want to put it away. But I believe there are benefits to embracing your past. Either way it does not make you any less the woman you are now, so do what works best for you. Perhaps at some point you will drop your stray male off at the kennels, or maybe he will ride shotgun for a long time yet.

[NicholeW.]

Neat post, Inanna.

When I was first exposed to the online TS BB groups I was definitely and as I first began transition I was definitely more than ready to say I was tired and sick and disturbed by all things male and wanted nothing to do with my own past. Except, of course, for the things that I did want and need to have from that past: children, friends, experiences, etc.

No, it wasn't all unrelievedly bad and hurtful, although there are parts that were, some still give me twinges. But, the overwhelming opinions I read were that MTFs were almost uniformly rejecting of all aspects of their male existences.

Time and some maturity have changed my opinions, at least I hope maturity figures into that.

I have children and grandchildren I feel blessed to have in my life and would never trade for a transition that I might have made before they were any ever born. Couldn't bear not to have them.

One of my graduate degrees I got in male-mode and wouldn't trade the experiences I had or the certification I obtained with that either. And, to be quite honest, I learned a lot during those years that it would be both insane and disingenuous to say I haven't profited from and am glad I experienced.

I imagine had I been born with chromosomes other than those I have I would have had experiences different than those I had this way, but perhaps none that would definitely be "better" and they may well have been less good than that, a lot less good.

Overall, imo, we are who we are and the sooner we are able to come peace with that fact the better we are altogether. "Identity" seems to me like the clothing of the self in just another label: useful in some respects and totally bereft of any good in many respects.

The goal of us all, I think, is to find ways to harmonize ourselves with ourselves. If you find that in some combination of aspects of you that you feel comfortable calling "androgyne" then by all means do. Just keep in mind that all you've lived and all you are brought you just to where you are right now.

That's not a bad thing seems to me. In fact, for many of us that is a most excellent thing indeed.

Nichole

[RebeccaFog]

Everyone is different though many are similar. The few that are crazy carry weapons. There is freedom in the air and there is room for freedom in our souls.

You are okay. I can't write the way the others do. but I can say you're not alone.

[Inanna]

Sounds perfectly normal to me.

I think we all have these images in our heads of what a women or man is supposed to be like. But in reality people are more varied than society would like us to know.

They key bit I heard was you said "I identify as female". Whatever you do or think that sounds like the core of it. I think that whatever you are now that is the woman you are. Make sense? If you were androgyne or bigender I am not sure you would be able to assert so confidently that "I never questioned being female"

An interesting thought is, where's the the line between gender identity and gender roles?  A long time ago the LGBT community made it clear that gender identity and sexual orientation were quite different ideas, but we still have yet to define how identity differs from preferred roles, if it does at all.

My identity is female, if I define that as my holistic self-image (including preferred body-image).  My gender roles and/or personality encompass both female and male.  My orientation is bisexual/pansexual.

If I had to use one and only one phrase to cover my identity and role at the same time, it'd be "often a tomboy, always a female".  Perfectly fitting?  I dunno, but close enough.

I think many of us in the mtf direction have created a male persona to protect us and keep us safe. I think this can sometimes work against us when we want to emerge as the people we are inside as it stands as a gatekeeper to keep us in, but sometimes it is a valuable resource. I would not be surprised if you have developed a male voice in your head from all your time living as a male. I had one but it has mostly faded away, still have some layers there though.   

Not all transexuals want to bury their past. For many it is a source of pain, something to forget, a life of misery. It makes perfect sense to want to put it away. But I believe there are benefits to embracing your past. Either way it does not make you any less the woman you are now, so do what works best for you. Perhaps at some point you will drop your stray male off at the kennels, or maybe he will ride shotgun for a long time yet.

I always want him to ride shotgun. 

Time and some maturity have changed my opinions, at least I hope maturity figures into that.

I have children and grandchildren I feel blessed to have in my life and would never trade for a transition that I might have made before they were any ever born. Couldn't bear not to have them.

One of my graduate degrees I got in male-mode and wouldn't trade the experiences I had or the certification I obtained with that either. And, to be quite honest, I learned a lot during those years that it would be both insane and disingenuous to say I haven't profited from and am glad I experienced.

I imagine had I been born with chromosomes other than those I have I would have had experiences different than those I had this way, but perhaps none that would definitely be "better" and they may well have been less good than that, a lot less good.

Overall, imo, we are who we are and the sooner we are able to come peace with that fact the better we are altogether. "Identity" seems to me like the clothing of the self in just another label: useful in some respects and totally bereft of any good in many respects.

Identity is a very fluid concept, something that has different meanings to nearly every person.  Some view it as the gender roles you prefer, some as your self-image, some as your desired body image, some view it statically just as the genitals you're born with (this I can completely reject without a second thought).  And the culture and era one lives are variables too. 

The goal of us all, I think, is to find ways to harmonize ourselves with ourselves. If you find that in some combination of aspects of you that you feel comfortable calling "androgyne" then by all means do. Just keep in mind that all you've lived and all you are brought you just to where you are right now.

Very true.  Regardless of what I think of myself, I'm sure I'll want others to perceive me as female and use the right words, if for no other reason than leading a simpler life.  I don't want to have to answer questions like, "So... you were born physically male, now you're physically and visually female, and you identify as yet a third category?"  Explaining that to every person I meet would get frustrating after the first 500 times. 

[NicholeW.]

I don't want to have to answer questions like, "So... you were born physically male, now you're physically and visually female, and you identify as yet a third category?"  Explaining that to every person I meet would get frustrating after the first 500 times. 

Perzactly!

Which is why I make attempts to not be in situations or to have my looks differ in large degree from a "norm." Because there is a satisfaction in being "like others." But, I don't forget where I came from or what I've experienced. Those remain what they are and some help me build and others I leave behind.

But, if asked, and in some situations (clearances and other required things for the job I do) I don't try or even make an attempt to dissemble. It is what it is and there's nothing except the "story" of my life that I can change, but even changing the sotry I come to believe changes not much of anything else at all. In fact in some respects changing that story can be harmful to me.

You either become comfortable with yourself or you don't. I don't see a lot of middle-ground there. But the "back-story" doesn't have to be worn on a sign around one's neck for all to see.

Nichole

[Mathaino]

Innana wrote: "At first I presumed TS, but I don't know if that encompasses all that I am."

I am having a very similar experience, except that I do switch between the two. This yields not just very distinct thought patterns, but distinct emotional textures, social responses, interests, skills, etc that are very obvious and the two cannot blend very and operate separate from one another. If you do not "switch" and the parallel nature of your gender identities yields a consistent behavior and personality then you sound more androgyne. If your parallel functioning still yields distinctly male and female patterns that have dominance in their turns then you sound more bigendered.

[Eva Marie]

You sound rather "normal" for an androgyne-bigender kind of person. Many of us experience some degree of living with two distinct personalities, male and female, and switching between them. Only you can decide which bucket you best fit into.

I tend to gravitate between feeling male and female, the two usually don't exist at the same time. However, lately the female is starting to win out over the male  

[RebeccaFog]

I have become out of touch with Rebecca and I am the worse for it.

I like being Rebis, but I love when I'm Becky.

[Kinkly]

Inanna you sound a lot like me
always both I identify as an intergender Androgyne I'm most comfortable when I feel abot 50% male & 75% Female & 10% other all of those numbers change alot but i'm always both (M&F) and normaly slighty more fem. so I'm a fluid Intergender Androgyne but normaly leave out the fluid term

[kalina]

A long time ago (back in the 90s) I called myself a crossdresser because it was commonly accepted at the time for people who didn't live full-time. When I started HRT in 2003 and up until 2008 or so, I considered myself transsexual, which I still say I am because people don't know what an androgyne is, so I called myself an inbetweener from that point on, neither male nor female and if some people call me "sir" while others call me "miss" I'm fine with that. So long as they don't call me "it" or something else!

[Raye]

I call myself androgyne simply because I can't split myself, or I refuse to anymore. In my past when everything was so screwed up- sure, they were different because they had to be. I had to have somewhere to go when my life was falling apart.

But now, I'm just me- sure I have issues trying to date because I'm always trying to emphasize I'm not just a girl. Most guys I know tend to not be comfortable with that- I may look like a girl, I may dress neutral, and I act like a tomboy- but I can't even not shave my legs or someone freaks lol.