I just can't take it anymore...

[Jack12]

I can't be known as who I am and I just can't live as if I'm someone else. I told someone what I had and some people knew me as Jason never knew about my body or me haven GID just knew me as a normal guy and well my friend that knew told all the people that know me as a normal guy that I'm a girl and had them play along as if they never knew and they've been lying to me for about 3 months now and I just found out, I feel so stupid going over to peoples houses thinking they know me for the real me and they think Im just some weird girl. I feel so betrayed and so stupid, so shocked and so empty. I just wish I could be me...I'm loosing my will to go on like this I'm probably gonna have to wait to start T and my mom doesn't support me I'll never be able to aford it I just can't stand being someone I'm not. It's driving me crazy. I can't take it anymore, I just can't do it especialy being alone. I just can't...

I'm finally breaking and giving up on it all.

"Yesturday was good but today I'm not feeling the same way/ Once again I feel depressed seems like my life is going the wrong way/ I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the pain, maybe todays just a bad day and hopefully tomorrow I'll get my strength back again/ I wish I could hear your voice to make me feel better, sometimes it hurts so bad I just want everything to be over/ I'm so scared and I don't know why but it's making me feel so empty inside."

^^Just something I wrote...poem/verse of a song. Idk.

-JACK

[BrandiOK]

Jack....this is often just an unfortunate part of transitioning.  I know it stinks and I know you feel not only betrayed but alone.  The truth is you aren't alone....you have a lot of friends here who have been right where you are now.  If you are serious about transitioning and I sense that you are then my best advice is to not hold yourself to such a tight timeframe.

  Transition by it's very nature is something that takes time.  I understand that you want to start your HRT right now and I don't blame you but it's not unreasonable for your parents to want you to wait either.  Live your life however you choose right now but remember that transition isn't a switch you flip and it's done.  You will go from room to room and in each room you will face new problems and adversity.  When you conquor the problem in each room you get to turn off that switch and move into the next room  and so on until you reach the end.

  You haven't come to end Jack....you have just hit one of those rooms of adversity.  How you handle it determines when you make it to the next one.  You will be the person in body and identity that you seek one day...but you will have to master patience.  Most every transgendered person has faced this same frustration.  It can be done but like I said.....patience is the key.

[Luc]

Welcome to the club, Jack. It sucks. Transitioning sucks. Not transitioning sucks. I can't stand it... that's why my moods seem to fluctuate, regardless of what I do. It's awful to get stuck in between. But I figure, in the end, it'll be worth it. That's why I keep going... that's why you have to keep going, too. There'll be plenty of days when you want to give up on everything. Just be glad your parents are still there for you, and you still have friends. Maybe it's a little harsh, but it's just what I've learned. Always here if you need to talk, bro.

Rafe

[Joseph]

Haha... what Rafe said.  Hi Jack.  I recently found out that when girls have problems and want to talk, mostly they just want people to listen and not try to fix the situation.  But since you're a guy... here are some thoughts for whatever they may be worth to you.  To add to what Brandi said, when you're young time seems to pass by a lot more slowly and you wonder how you'll ever make it to the end of the week... end of the month ... next year.  Try not to think about "what am I going to do for the rest of my life?" and instead just take one day at a time.  Live each day trying to be yourself as much as possible.  Take heart in small victories.  Take note of times when your condition is a blessing rather than a curse (I know it's hard to think it could ever be a blessing, but tragedy/pain can often end up shaping you in positive ways that comfort cannot.) And when annoying things happen - well, it's not too long till you get to go to sleep, get away from it all for awhile, and start again with as clean a slate as possible.  I don't know what your religious views are, but prayer (read: sometimes this means venting to God) helps me too.

Joseph

[Bob]

Jack....
  It seams to me you are being overly harsh on your friends.... look at it this way.
did they all of a sudden start avoiding you because they KNEW the truth ?  No , you didn't even know that they knew.... did they all of a sudden start excludeing you from their midts
... no... nothing like that.... in fact it is You that are the upset one Not them...  it is You that feels betraied and left out in the cold by your friends .... when they have done NOTHING at all .... what do you want them to do ?  get mad ? throw a fit ?  it sounds to me as if they handled the siduation as best they could and didn't let the knowledge effect their attitude towards you in the least.... thats what friends do for friends !
... So you feel betraied ? why ? what did they do to make you feel that way ?
ok...so the secret is out... big deal , live with it !  their still your friends they proved that in their actions havn't they ?   or have You Ostersized Them,...  because of their knowledge of you    ....
  What Your feeling doesn't seam fair to ANYONE , not you and not to your friends...
...think about it... why would your friend tell all the others in the first place ?
more than likely so they wouldn't be shocked if they found out by some other means.
or it could be many other reasons... heck, people just talk about other people all the time its nothing new...
  give them the benifit of the doubt before you  call them trators !
it sounds to me like your friend was trying to help you... not hurt you.
and if this is the case you have jumped to conclusion and have put your self in a horrable spot of being "Betraied" by your friends... when that is not what has happened.
...
Now Granted, not all the ones you know are going to think your one of the guys  there are those out there that will no doubt think of you as some dizzy girl thats realy messed up.... that can't be helped... people are that way and there is nothing you can do to change that .... except  prove them wrong.
Its your Life Kiddo , live it your way... not your parents way or the pastors way, or anybody elses way... its yours and yours alone.  but USE your head ! you know your siduation better than anyone here... some times its better to "go with the flow" than to go against the rageing current ! ...
.....
Sorry if I don't sound very sympithitic to your problem, because I am... its a very hard thing  to have your friends turn on you, and that is what you feel they have done...
I just don't think they HAVE is all .... give them a chance... especially if they have done nothing adversly towrds you .
....
  Just a little Fatherly advice , take it or leave it,  I just hate to see people in pain
and this pain looks to be self inflicted Jack... stop hurting yourself, there is enough of that pain stuff going around without makeing more ! <grin>
... toughen yourself up because they will have questions for you... if you give them the time .
  ....
  A mans world is a point blank world, we shoot from the hip and say what we think, and suffer the consiquences of it later. to be a Man in this mans world you will have to be tougher than Most , just to survive
Haing in there Jack , we are stronger with you than without you ! <hug>
....
Bob.......

[veronica06]

okay........lemme do THIS.
hey?  jack? listen up...for a brief bit, okay?
"I",...personally...am VERY sorry some people let you down.
"I" know...I said...I ...KNOW  the feeling...been there...done it.

I lost a friendship of 25 yrs over it.
just when you THINK you know people.....BAM!   they pull a switcheroo on ya.

ok..you are trying to go guy...so lemme go with it THIS way.................

duuuuude??
like hey yo bro.
I know how it is....
I told some folks I wanted to be a gal.................WOW man.
they dumped me like I had the plague man.
these folks I knew for 25 yrs.
this--person----went to prison for 'a' crime...did I walk away on em?   hell no.
did I reject our friendship?  hell no.
did I ever say, --hey, you're a damned ex con and I can't trust ya?  hell no.

but man oh man..."I" tell them "I" wanna be a gal...........holy jeez.  they ran away from me so fast all I saw was ass and elbows.

so lemme talk to ya guy to guy.
some of us bio dudes, were raised back in the 50's,,,,and we were taught ya gotta buck-up and take it like a man.......
well I got news.
"I" broke back in 2001.
spent a week on the couch crying my eyes out coz ain't nobody give a crap if I was dead or alive.
after that week,..I told myself to get up off my ass and get moving.
I have been watching my own back since I was nigh on 10 year old.

so I'll tell ya this.........ya ever wanna talk to me...guy to guy?
just drop me a line..I'm here for ya.

take care out there.

[Dennis]

If there's some way you can find a counsellor or therapist to talk to in the meantime, it'll give you some support and also could be your first steps toward transition when you do get to a stage where it's possible.

Everyone has given good advice who's posted so far. Don't give up on your friends either.

Dennis

[Bob]

Veronica06... Your Right ofcorse, Harsh as heck... but never the less correct !
As you know from your own experience back in 2001 life is hard, it pulls no punches
and doesn't care who lives or dies.  but WE DO... there is the diference !
Jack is having a hard time and is Young, young enough to heal from the wounds and carry on
learn from the experience Now  so you don't have to repete it at a later date in time.
When My Kid told me he was a TS I was totally supprized ! it was a terrable blow .
my first thoughts were what the heck did I do wrong in raising the kid ?  and even today I still have doubts at times... did I do something wrong ?   
the answer is NO ...I didn't ... I did the best I could under the curcumstances , not even God himself asks more than that ! .... it just happens !
....
Jack You are in the most vulnerable time of your life... there are more Teen Suisides than any other age group... you may think its an easy way out , but its not... it SOLVES NOTHING !   I say this because I was once close to doing myself in.  the gun was in my hand a round in the chamber and it would have only taken a quick movement to end it all...   but that is NOT the answer...   because you'll just have to do it all over again
the next time.... why prolong the agnoie ? ... it doesn't cure a thing... it May grant you a breef rest, but that is all.... then your back to square one.... 
I know Square one looks inviteing from your position but remember that with that would come all sorts of problems just like you have today...
... I am a gutsy individual, I am strong ... but I know this to be a fact, Suicide is not the answer.
  Now I know that would have been darn near impossable to get accross to Veronica back in 2001 when she spent a week crying... but the fact remains.
  Jack, Buddy  Life ain't easy ! but on the other hand life is worth liveing !
Look to the little things in life for joy.  big things of joy are simply hard to find !
... little things like hearing my Gyrocopter fire up and Knowing that some day I will fly it... small victories are the key !
....
try Not to think of the bad things that life has thrown in your way.push them out of your mind... consentrate on the good and the good to come .
...
If by chance you do loose all your friends over this it is hard to take I know, but it is of little consiquence, for you will gain more friends in the future, better ones by far.
...As Veronica said ... Buck it up and take it like a man ! thats not an unreal statement
because life is hard.... and you must be tough to get through it.
...the problem is ... its simply "NOT EASY TO DO !"   but FIND a way !  you Must !
...

I have never spent a week crying, though I do know what its like to be depressed for long periods of time... when I realised that I was in danger from my own hand  I went to a doctor and sought help.... and help is what I got.
... your posting on this board shows that you need help as well... this isn't something you can just brush off and forgit about... its serious...seaking help is the smart thing to do . 
.....
my 2 coppers !
Bob......

[nonie]

Jack, Bob's right...  from the sounds of it, your friends don't care.  They like you for who you are, if they haven't dumped you after finding out.  They have remained in complete contact and though they didn't respect your need for secrecy, they respected your need to be treated like one of the guys, or at least attampted to.  If they'd been girls they would have been pissed as hell at you for not telling them personally - but essentially, your friend just let your other friends get to know you better without you having to deal with the awkward conversation.  Looks like a win-win to me.

This is one of those things where it's going to spread once someone knows.  It's really really difficult to contain a secret that big, so I wouldn't be too mad at your friend if I were you.  Yeah he betrayed your trust, but as humans sometimes we need to vent a little and you did put a lot on him when you told him.  Give him the benefit of the doubt - if he had spread the truth in a vicious or hurtful way, your friends wouldn't have stayed in contact.

[Bob]

Thanks Mikko I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one that thought that ! hehehehe
Guys Usually handle something like that diferently than the gals do...
and because of that,  all I can see is that they have done the best they could .... that
doesn't mean its going to be clear sailing by any means...  a big portion of the rejection
will probly be at a later date.   they may all slowly turn against you, and then again they may all stand by you all the way... you just cannot know the inner workings of another person, or how they will react.  another reason for you to be self sufficient and able to stand on your own.
  You don't NEED friends... 90% of my life has been without friends so I can testify to that...
Look to your survival FIRST... then to friends... thats what Most men do.  if you are
"a Guy in Sheeps clothing" then it is even all the more important that you learn to be tough Now.... its not an easy road to follow !
haing in there !
....
Bob.......


 

[Jack12]

Well now they're telling me I'm really a girl and always will be and I'm just decieving people so they had to tell them the truth to protect them...that just hurts....

[Bob]

humm... haing in there Jack the rejection is comeing ! I think its just delayed is all
haing in there, be tough ! you can do it !
...
Bob......

[Sophie]

Damn, it always sucks to have people judge and reject, especially if it's something personal like your real gender. If they do reject you then they're not exactly great friends anyways, it might be a lonely time ahead...
But you'll get through it! After all, for a time, they didn't know that you're biologically female, so I bet you could find some new people, I sure hope so.

[nonie]

Maybe you need to sit down and explain the whole gender identity thing with your friends...  It seems stupid for your friends to think you were decieving them somehow.  You're only being yourself and if that was good enough before they knew, so what's the problem now?  If they can't handle that your crotch looks a little different from theirs, and that is really the only real difference, they're shallow jerks anyway.  It's not like they check their other friends' genitals, that's not what makes you a man.  Your brain is male.  Ask them if they'd like being forced to dress and act like a girl.  They have no right to make any kind of decision about how you should or shouldn't act.  But you can't completely blame them for being ignorant if you don't at least try to teach them.

[Jack12]

Is it wrong to tell people I'm male if my body isn't? I told my friend who new me as a female not to tell them that i was in a female body so they'd just know me for who I am on the inside and I had explained to them I have GID and what it is and all that I talked to them about it for hours and they said they completely understood and they felt comfortable with the idea of people they knew knowing me as a normal guy but everytime they said they didnt care and it was fine with them and they understood they were lying. And right after someone would meet me or whatever the minute I was gone they'd tell that person I was a girl and that makes me mad cause that's kinda lying to them....what they said was  "We're friends you really think that he wasn't gonna tell me..." I just, I don't get it. He even told me he didn't want anyone finding out because I'd get hurt but he had already told them. They really made me feel like I'm just some lying creep and now they will not leave me alone. I told them I just wanted them to leave me alone and not even talk about me and now they keep calling me. My house and my cell. My cell doesn't even work and they constantly call and leave messages. Last night they called every minute, literally. And left a message everytime. Why won't they just leave me alone!

-JACK

[umop ap!sdn]

Is it wrong to tell people I'm male if my body isn't?

No, it most certainly is not wrong. A person is not their body, but a mind inhabiting the body, and if your mind is male then you're a guy plain and simple. Other people need to respect that.

I'm really sorry to hear about what your friend is doing. It's not fair and you have every right to be ticked off.

[veronica06]

they keep calling me. My house and my cell. My cell doesn't even work and they constantly call and leave messages. Last night they called every minute, literally. And left a message everytime. Why won't they just leave me alone!
-------------------------

you are free to get mad at me, if you wish..........but anyone that does crap like this......is not mature enough.
in MY world...anyone that pulls this kinda stunt gets my boot up their backend.
"I" don't take this off anyone.
I'd as soon as hit em upside the head as look at em...
and I believe there ARE times some people have to be treated like a missouri mule....kick em in the backend just to get their attention.!!!

but THAT is JUST me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I grew up on the street so THAT is what "I" am all about.............

take care

[Brianna]

"Is it wrong to tell people I'm male if my body isn't?"

Gender is a construct of the mind, of course it's not wrong - transsexualism just isn't something easliy explained.

The problem is that people like to gossip - and they have no idea of how important the information is for us to have kept secret. It is just a joke.

[Bob]

The problem is that people like to gossip - and they have no idea of how important the information is for us to have kept secret. It is just a joke.

That is so very true !
...
And Veronica06 and I see eye to eye on this ishue. but the problem is we must remember we are dealing with Kids here ( no offence ment) their young, playfull, spitefull, down right mean at times.... thats what Kids do... You can expect it from Kids, but if an adult pulled that  I'ed put him on his backside the next time I saw him with  a right cross ! there are some things you just don't do as an adult that you would do as a Kid... things that you over look as a Kid that you wouldn't as an adult... and vise versa.
... Calling you over and over like that Jack it eather is very important to them or hurrassment... and only you can make that judgment..   if you are truly friends then it may be that your friend wants to make amends...  but it could be the other way arround too, in that they are realy "T'ed" off now , and want vengance... and if thats the case
try to calm them down and let them know it wasn't anything personal... because you don't want this sort of thing to esclate into a full blown war... and it could !  once that is accomplished  simply put some distance between you... pull back and nave little to do with them.... I say this for your own safty...  it sounds like they are takeing it personally, which is illogical, but quite Human.. and I wouldn't want you to be Gang raped to "teach you a lesson"  that is a possability you realise !  not a purdy thought at all but an honnest possability !  so for your own protection Back away as fast as possable... they don't understand that being Transexual does NOT mean You want their sexual favors.... but are too shy to ask...  they don't understand that !  make it plane to them... and you will more than likely have a fight on your hands....because that is not what they want to hear....  Remember every guy from 14yrs old and up has very strong sexual drives... and it does not let up till the late 30's   which means when in doubt  Jump on it ! ....   I doubt that you have the same Sexual drives because it is the male body that does that... there for you don't know what you are dealing with !  and being in close quarters with a bunch of Hot blooded males when they know that you have a Sexual problem may well be too much for them to take ...
  You are in a dangerous position Jack ... I urge you to think about the consiquences, and the What IF's....  if You could take them all out yourself in a knock down drag out brawl, then perhaps its not so dangerous after all....
but I doubt that is possable Right?
  If you care for them  then you must educate them very fast. before they can deside on their own... because right or wrong what ever they deside on their own, it will be hard to dislodge from their tiny minds ....

Do take care Jack !
you are tredding on thin ice....be carefull and be Paranoid !

personally, I think i'ed have nothing to do with them ever again. but its YOUR Call
Remember, you are liveing in a diferent world than when I grew up, a completely diferent way of thinking, a diferent way of acting and reacting ... its Your world and You know it better than any of us here... USE YOUR HEAD ! and keep YOU safe !
this could turn into a "hate-crime" real easy...  because the Younger ones have far less restraint than Adults.
REMEMBER THAT !  because You Jack , could be the target !
...
My 2 coppers !

Bob......

[Kismet]

There's really only one thing I can say to you, because true advice is very simple:

Just be strong and let the real you shine out from under the cheap paint.
Who cares what they think?
Yes, it's your parents, your friends, your teachers and your mentors. But do what you want to do only for yourself, because when everyone else goes there's only you left behind to depend on.
It's your face you have to look at in the mirror every morning -- Why not make it a face you want to see?

Being as we are is a hard lot in life, but it's one that just can't be avoided.