I still think I am not TS

[TheBattler]

Hi all,

I have just added another blog entry (http://alice.tgspot.com/) but since my calm old self has returned I have again decided I am not TS. That depression was bad and everything got mixed up. Now I can think clearly again. This is what I wrote in my blog.

My main thoughts have again returned that I am not TS. It has been a number of things that have led me to this conclusion and in reality it has been consistent of what I have always said. I have been reading from the book True Selves and the people described in there do not fit my profile. I got more material from the gender center in Sydney where I again fit the description of the ->-bleeped-<-. I am happy that I do not want to transition – my main thought when I was depressed was that I did not want to go in the fateful trip to Thailand. So for now I will concentrate on being happy and living my life. I will be going out as Alice as much as possible, experimenting and enjoying my feminine side. There will be no more denial  that I am TG as that along with me having to hid is the most probably cause of my depression.

Alice

[Elizabeth]

Hi Alice,

Only you can know the truth about you.  Don't be surprised as that truth can change, as you have seen.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Rana]

Alice that is good to see  

What I mean is, that your mood seems better and more balanced - more like the Alice I first met here .
It can be a lifetimes work to understand yourself - and the process can be stressful.
You seemed so low a while back - and I did think that you felt you were under pressure to make decisions and commitments.
I reckon once that pressure is lifted things will be clearer    whatever you decide in the future, you will be the Alice we know respect and love

Rana

[Melissa]

Congratulations Alice.  Figuring out that you are not TS is equally as important as figuring out you are.  Transition is definitely not for anyone but the transsexual and the transsexual in most cases looks forward to a new life as a woman.  If you find yourself just wanting to dress up as Alice, then that's all you need to do.  We only need to go as far as we feel we do and you really do not feel you have to go anywhere.  I think much of your confusion was based on other people resistance.

Just this morning I woke up with thoughts in my head such as "Why does living as a female so much better for me?"  I felt like I entered this willingly, but looking back, it really sucked me in like the dust bunny who is curious what's inside the vacuum hose.  Well, it looks like you've starred down the vacuum hose, decided you didn't like it and are now staying away.  Don't transition if you don't need to.  You would be in the same place the transsexual is in before transition with being dysphoric and depending on how far you went, a full detransition may not be completely possible.  Anyway good luck with everything.

Melissa

[Kim]

Congratulations Alice on finding your true self. As has been said one needs to be happy in their day to day lives with who they are. Inner peace is the most important part of our transitions and it seems you have achieved that at this time. 

[BrandiOK]

TS or TG or whatever.....follow your heart and have fun with your life. 

Sounds like you've made a positive step in finding yourself 

<sends secret butterfly agent to drop some happy sparkles on Alice>

[Elizabeth]

Alice,

I just read all of those blogs and I have to be frank with you.  I think you are a sweetheart and a totally kind person, but I am afraid what I say may be hurtful and I don't want you to take it that way.

When I first read your post, I only read the quote you included and did not read the actual blogs.  After reading them I am almost stunned.  Who are you trying to convince you are not TS? Us or you? When you said you decided you were not TS, I thought you meant that you have decided that you are not TS.  However, after reading the blogs I find that you do in fact think you are TS, but are trying some brainwashing technique where you refuse to allow yourself to think you are TS, you are told to not be in contact with other TS's as they may contaminate your brainwashing.

One can not decide if they are TS by weighing a set of factors about what would make your life most happy.  What would make my life most happy would be if I had been born a girl to wealthy parents who loved me, but that did not happen.  I am not TS because that is what makes me the most happy.  I am TS because I am TS.  Avoiding thinking about it and avoiding talking to other TS's will not change that.

I have played this game of denial you are playing, almost exactly the way you are doing it.  TWO YEARS!!!!!! Tops!!!!!  In two years, all the anti depressants in the world won't keep away your depression or anger. Axiety will be overwhelming and you will dread the coming of each new day, asking yourself why you are still keeping it a secret you are a girl.

->-bleeped-<-s don't want to be women.  ->-bleeped-<-s don't weigh the pros and cons of SRS, it's out of the question for them, they would never give up being male. Both of those two things were continual themes in your blogs as well as trying to convince yourself that all these other things that make you happy will vanish off the face of the earth if you are really a girl.  You know? There is a women's triathelon.  There are plenty of women cyclists.  Except for peeing on a wall, you can do anything as a woman that you could do as a man.

If you really beleive yourself to be a ->-bleeped-<-, why this thread? Why the blogs?  My biggest enemy has been denial and I have played all these cards you are playing.  I know that you will probably play them anyway.  I want to help you take the short cut, but I know you probably won't.  I am exactly the person your therapist don't want you talking you.  Anyone that might tell you that you can't talk yourself out of it.  Alice, you are or you are not.  It does not depend on happiness or what you tell yourself.  It is what yourself tells you, you really are.  It's that simple.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[TheBattler]

Alice,

If you really beleive yourself to be a ->-bleeped-<-, why this thread? Why the blogs?  My biggest enemy has been denial and I have played all these cards you are playing.  I know that you will probably play them anyway.  I want to help you take the short cut, but I know you probably won't.  I am exactly the person your therapist don't want you talking you.  Anyone that might tell you that you can't talk yourself out of it.  Alice, you are or you are not.  It does not depend on happiness or what you tell yourself.  It is what yourself tells you, you really are.  It's that simple.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

With all my depression in the last few weeks you asre not the first to wonder if I am really TS and you will not be the last.

The 'bad environment' in here would be all the people who have started out as a CD and now say they are TS. I guess reading this type of stuff I was always going to wondered where I will end up. Yes I am scared of been a TS and lossing the life I have built (transistion will not help my triathlons). So having looked at the issues and got out of my depression I am now looking forward - no more denile that I am CD and working on social interactions.

Many people say that being TS is not a choice. While I feel I have choices I will continue to be a simple CD. You are right - I will not take any short cuts and fight any notion I am TS. What happens in the future and when I go off my anti-depression noby knows.

Alice

[Kendall]

Glad you feel like you are going where YOU want to go, your current decisions and direction you have planned. Feel good that you made some important decisions on your own about yourself. And the direction you are going sounds like it is.

And the decision to experiment with Alice probably will lead you to learn what you like and dislike. And maybe try things you never thought to try.

[Buffy]

Hi Alice.

You have found where your own personal boundries lay.... That is great.

Hopefully the confusion and depression can be put behind you.

Becky

[sheila18]

Alice:

  I don't know why you wrote what you wrote as much as I don't know why you joined Susan's my guess is that you joinned because you would finally find someone to understand you. if you were not a ->-bleeped-<- why not find that understanding at any local church or gay place for that matter.

   Beining a transexual is important to me because it cuts out the delusion that I am A woman traped in a man's body.  That is a mind trap.

  The mind has so many traps, and they all begin with arguing, debating and over analysing.

  If you really want to stop this nightmare, stop wearing women's items and talking and thinking in femenine ways such as wow how would that dress, purse, earings look on me... stop it for 1 year,

ok. ok  6 months.
  If you can do it then you are not a transexual

...actually you can wear the femenine stuff and all the women stuff you want.

Just stop thinking like a woman for 6 months, if you can, then if you can stop thinking in such a manner you are not a tranie and you have solved all your problems, really is that simple.
  Just try to stop thinking like a woman would:  wow look at your shoes MaryBeth they look fabulous (brain says: mmn i think i'd look better in them and i have that tight pink blouse that would match , oh my god what is james gonana say if he sees me with that outfit and the tight jeans  ,  i better buy condoms am out   , and cream oh my god also.... brain goes on in tumoltous silence   )
   Just try it and come back and tell us how long you lasted, will be here for you with love and understanding, read to support you either way.
sheila, love no matter what  easy does it   

   

[TheBattler]

Sheila,

You are right - I came here to talk to people who would understand how I feel. That is what I have found.  As for taking 6 months of to see how I do I have been there and done that. This is what I wrote about that period.

At the start of last year my current flat mate moved in and my clothes where put away for about six months. I tried to be good and move on but the frustration of not been able to wear a skirt got the better of me. I started out by finding a therapist as I saw a definition of transvestic Fetishism on another website and wanted to get it out of my life.

So like everyone else I have found I can not get it out of my life. My depression in recent months has been my concern that I will turn TS and I am now satisfied that it will not happen.

Alice


Posted on: September 19, 2006, 09:57:52 PMAnother quote of what happens when I am in denile.

Over christmas my parent came to vist and I put my skirts away with them arround. I still wanted to wear my skirts but I got into the mind set trying to convince myself that I did not need/want to wear them. I had told my mum that I like to wear skirt but and not told her in depth how much I like them. This is a discussion I now think I should have with her.


Once my parent had left I was still in denile mode but things came into focus when I went down the Threadbo with a group of my friends. Zoe was wearing a nice knee length skirt and for at least two days or I could think about was wearing her skirt. I felt very unballanced and to compansate I drank a little to much. I was very keen to talk to all of the girls about skirts and I think they relised I was having problems. Lucky after a couple of days I started to feel better but when the question was asked 'What is your favorate place?' my mind initially thought 'Wearing a skirt!' (it was only a couple of hours latter I though of a place close to my heart as I spent I lot of time there growing up). On another day when ridding back to Threadbo I was ridding with the girls and my mind thought that since I was with the girls I could ask to Zoe to wear her skirt.

After come back from the week in Threadbo it all got to much and I was very unhappy. I was still tring to convince myself I did not need to wear my skirts. In the end it got to much and I have now decided that mybe it would be best to just wear the skirts. This happen at the start of this week and since I gave been wearing my skirts whenever home and since today is Australia day I wore my skirt out in public. I had my favourate knee length skirt but when out I brought a nice denim skirt that I am now wearing. I look foreward to wearing my skirts out in public more often in the future.

I also remember the weekend down in Javis bay we went for a triathlon. I had decided to wear my skirts arround my friends for the first time after we had finished the race. The race was done and dust there there was Zoe again in her nice denim skirt. I just want to go to my room - put on my skirt to say the world this is what I like. Well I did not do that, instead I pulled zoe aside and showed her my skirt. I did not put it on I just shoed her then put it back in my bag. It did not help thew next day that Zoe was still in her skirt. Sometime I just wish I was a girl so I can do as I please without worred about what everyone thinks.

Alice

Posted on: September 19, 2006, 10:17:57 PMOf couse I could comment on what has taken place in the last few months - The pain and suffering which I think has been cause by denile. When you see so many people switch from being CD to TS you will always question where you are going. It makes me wonder if I was correct when I wrote the following.

I have just told you all I am afraid and if I had to sum it up this thread is why I am worried. This is where I think I am now.

genderplay>........................<cd/tv>....................>ts
                                                             ^

  

Alice

Going past CD toward TS when everyone says that is where they are going was scary for me. I am now satisfied that what I wrote there is incorrect - I am still a CD and will not be going toward being TS. Of course it took a lot of counseling session and some anti-depression pills to convise me that I was not going there. I never consisdered myself a girl however I do like to be dressed em-fem. I am not a girl so I am not TS. There has been plenty of crying in the last few months and a few total emotional break downs. I was scared of being TS and I did not want to go there. Back to my old self I am glad I had a concellor to help my through the emotional termoil and get me back to who I really am.

Alice

[sheila18]

Alice;
what are the disadvantages for you if you become a TS?
you said that is your concern that you will turn TS.

And waht are the advantages of not being TS?
you said that you are now satisfied that now that  will not happen.
just curios, am not trying to drill you, just learn, I can learn from most people i have discovered.
sheila

[Kate]

If you really want to stop this nightmare, stop wearing women's items and talking and thinking in femenine ways such as wow how would that dress, purse, earings look on me... stop it for 1 year,

If you can do it then you are not a transexual    

Apart from my unisex glasses, a watch and girl jeans on occasion, I don't wear women's items. No purse. No earrings. Naturally, if I transitioned, I would wear these things more often. But I have no craving to do them in and of themselves.

And feminine ways? I don't know... I'm just me, whatever THAT is, lol.

I think the test mentioned above is more appropriate to diagnosing a crossdresser than a transsexual.

However... I could be wrong!

[Melissa]

Well, I for one do like wearing skirts and so I understand what you mean Alice.  Now that I am free to wear them whenever I want, I wear them several times a week and that makes me happy.  However, this is only 1 aspect of being a woman that I like.  There are so many more numerous aspects I like from just being seen as a woman to talkinging with other women.  Honestly, prior to transition, I think I could count on 1 hand how many times I had worn a skirt.  I think I had worn makeup 2 times.  Anyway, now that I get to do that all the time, I really enjoy it.  However, one big difference was before transition, putting on a pair of hose was easy and didn't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.  After HRT, a bunch of fat went to my thighs and now putting on a pair is a feat in itself.  Now I know what other women complained about, but they hold me in place down there so well, it's worth it.  Maybe after surgery I won't wear them as much.

Melissa

[Tiffany2]

  I have noticed a variety of thoughts on this site and it is a blessing so if I'm out of line here I'm sorry.
  To me  the issue of skirts, CD and TS are all a matter of perception.
  For example; the thing I did like about the masc/fem test was how it related to issues other than clothing.
  To me; I am the same girl when wearing skirts and dresses as when I wear men's clothing. My perception in being a girl is my thoughts, emotions and mannerisms which are well hidden having not come out.
  To those who see me they would see me as a man when in men's attire and a crossdresser when in women's. They see from without while I see from within.
  If I was a crossdresser I don't think I would transition since it would only lead to further irreversable anguish if I was wrong about being TS.
  I have read on another site that an individual transitioned by finding a doctor that bypassed some of the methods of guaranteeing his patient was indeed TS and the person wrote his life was hell feeling like a man that ruined his chance of fathering children and enjoying relations with woman.
  I'm still very new at all of this so I hope I don't offend anyone with my opinion. All I know is that I want to be sure before I make decisions that could mentally destroy me.
  May God bless you.
  Tiffany

[Melissa]

All I know is that I want to be sure before I make decisions that could mentally destroy me.

And that's a very good attitude to have.  I know I wanted to be sure, yet at the same time I was taking steps to start transitioning.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't just a crossdresser doing it for the wrong reasons.  It was searching my thoughts and realizing this was something (transition) very deep seated that I had desired to do for many years.  When I started transitioning, I was happy that I was finally able to pursue this.  However, as I started accepting that this was something I needed--rather than wanted--to do and this was an inevitability I would eventually face whether I wanted to or not, I became panicked.  I truly realized how much I disliked living as a male and transition became urgent.  Panic attacks and high blood pressure came, so this became a medical urgency.  Once I finally was able to hormones, it was a huge pressure relief.  It was really the sitting in therapy limbo that was getting to me.  As I went along, I seemed fine most of the time, but every now and then I would panic and want to just hurry up and finally be living fulltime.  Usually I would get over the panic, but the last time it happened in June, going fulltime was feasible and after talking to a therapist, I decided it was full speed ahead.  3 weeks later, I am living as a woman.  I have the patience and once again.  I take the time to learn and develop myself.  I guess my point is that this panicking was a big red flag that I was TS.  It wasn't about clothing or anything sexual, just a slip of the "gears in the ->-bleeped-<-" .  My life was going fine in terms of living as a male.  I had no external hardships that I was running away from.  In fact I would caution you NOT to consider transition if you are currently going through a difficult time in your life.  It will only exacerbate any problems you currently have.  Mine was purely driven by an overwhelming need to be a woman.

Melissa

[sheila18]

  to all my lovely sisters, TV, CD or TS we are all great:
  I love you all and it pains me to see someone struggling trying to figure it out what is what they are.
  It doesn't matter to me you are all beautiful, talented and wonderful, but if it is important to you here we go:
   Actually the test is the vison part, thinking part, the feeling part. It doesn't "need " clothing to feel femenine buy is ok to do so.  I have observed something that appears like Femenine is something a transexual is born with or acquired at early age( i do not mean to debate the origin) the  observation is that transexuals clearly feel , think and see themselves as women, with or without clothes

Just stop thinking like a woman for 6 months, if you can, then if you can stop thinking in such a manner you are not a tranie and you have solved all your problems, really is that simple.
  Just try to stop thinking like a woman would:  wow look at your shoes MaryBeth they look fabulous (brain says: mmn i think i'd look better in them and i have that tight pink blouse that would match , oh my god what is james gonana say if he sees me with that outfit and the tight jeans  ,  i better buy condoms am out   , and cream oh my god also.... brain goes on in tumoltous silence   )
Aheial18

  I believe there are two different questions that can help determine one's ( just help only )inclinations:
   How we envision ourselves bathed in femininity.

when we are clothed?  probably Cross dressed or TV
  sans clothes?  defenitely Transexual


what I meant was  that if in order to visualise yourself as a woman,  inside your mind and heart you most often need to dress in women's outfits and makeup  and all the cosequences that come with it, probably you might just be a crossdresser ar in early stages of ts.

  But if most often or often enough you you see yourself naked with breast or feel their lack thereof and curves and vagina.  My humble opinion is that most likely you are a transexual. Also if you find your self thinking like a woman

example: when you have sexual fantasies what gets you off? 
A)- The focus is on the dress and undressing and the effect that produces
B)- The focus is in makig love naked you see yousrsel in your mind's eye as a woman  (mate's gender is irelevant) but Transexuals do both A and defenitely B
sheila18, love no matter what, specially your selves.

[Shana A]

I can relate to this question. I did a year long RLT in 1993, and didn't subsequently go any further at that time for a number of reasons, but the fundamental feeling of not being male has never changed for me. This feeling will be with me for the rest of my life. Doesn't matter what I wear, I'm the same person inside that I've always been. What matters most is knowing who I am. I do still struggle with it though. It can be really hard sometimes that the outer doesn't match the inner.

Zythyra

[TheBattler]

I can relate to this question. I did a year long RLT in 1993, and didn't subsequently go any further at that time for a number of reasons, but the fundamental feeling of not being male has never changed for me. This feeling will be with me for the rest of my life. Doesn't matter what I wear, I'm the same person inside that I've always been. What matters most is knowing who I am. I do still struggle with it though. It can be really hard sometimes that the outer doesn't match the inner.

Zythyra

Thats correct Zythyra - what matter most is finding your own path through this mind field. I am glad I have again com to the conclusion I am not TS so I will sit within the Androgyne/CD field for now. I still identify as male but my TG side also need to be recognised so I can be happy.

Alice