Its been killing me for all these years, and now that I'm almost done with school, I have the strongest urge to just tell everyone. I wanted to tell everyone when I moved away from college, but I can't hold it any longer. I'm getting ready to explode.
I've been thinking about telling my older sister for a while now. But I don't know what she would say, I mean I know she would most likely accept me more than anyone else, but it would be so difficult, and I don't want to put any unwanted pressure on her, because I'd want her to keep it a secret for now. I want to tell my sister up in person too. I just don't know how to say it. I mean I know at first I would say something like, "I want to tell you something." But then I would just change the subject, because I'm just so afraid, and shy about it. Just thinking about how stupid it would sound, trying to explain it too her, makes me not want to have to do it, but then again, not telling her, makes me hurt inside. "Oh hey, did I mention I'm a guy?" I mean, that just sounds stupid in my head, and I just don't know how to word it.
I think after I tell her, I would tell my aunt, my moms sister. I'm very close to her, and she already suspected something when I lived with her, because I was talking about (joking way) that I just want to take out my ovaries, and everything, because I hate them, then she said, "And then get a sex change." then she laughed. I mean I don't know if she knew, because we were kind of joking, but then kind of not. So I know I would just tell her next. By that point, she would just tell her daughter, my cousin, since they are close.
But then the hardest would be telling my mom. I always asked her, "Mom if one of your kids were gay, would you accept them?" and she always said yes. But when my sister came out as bi, my mom was like, "No not you." So I'm still questioning it and I am afraid to even think about it. The good thing about this is after I tell my mom, my mom would tell my grandma, so I wouldn't have to worry about that. My mom's side gossip a lot, so after I tell my mom, my grandpa would probably find out and accept me (i think). The easiest thing about this, is I always dressed like a boy, and showed that I wasn't girly, so it gives them something too reflect on the past, and know why I made this decision.
My dads side of the family, would be the hardest of all. They are very religious, and I just don't know how they would react. When I cut my hair short, they didn't say anything, but imagine telling them this, scares me. I am very close too some of my dads sisters, but they are religious, and it worries me that they will think differently of me, and not accept me. My dad would probably get mad, I mean I just don't know. I haven't asked my dad, or had talks about how he would react to a gay kid. He has no idea about my sister, so thats why. So I know, I'm going too put that off a little longer. I'm panicking so much, I just need some advice. I mean what do you guys think? The majority of you have already have come out, so thats why I'm asking for some help, at least
I'm just really scared, this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. As for friends, I'll just tell them when I'm ready. I want to tell my family first. I know my friends will be alright with it, most of them are gay/lesbian/bi anyway. But its still hard. I'm sorry for this long post, I probably just talked about a lot of random things, and thanks for reading.
