need advice on abusive non supportive partner

[milliontoone]

Really upset I had a furious row with my partner today and it culminated in him calling me a woman which really upset me and also made me feel like he just really doesn't get what being transexual is.  Depsite the fact that I have been out and living as a man for 3 years now, despite the fact that he knows I have been on T for 5 months almost now, despite the fact my periods have stopped, my voice has broken and I am actually starting to pass and the world is finally starting to see me as I am it seems he refuses to accept me as male.

Apparently he says he is attracted to men but we have been getting on really badly lately with him constantly being critical and trying to start petty arguments, making digs and insults and slurs at me that really seem like he is trying to undermine my masculinity.  Why would he do this unless he was unhappy about the fact that I am a man and transitioning?

I don't know if it is the fact that because I am starting to visually look like a man whether he feels this is a threat to his masculinity but he has also seemed really angry when people have perceived us to be a gay couple on occasion.  It's like he feels that I am forcing him to be gay or something which of course I am not but you can't help who you are attracted to/ love and I happen to be attracted primarily to men and love my partner who alos happens to be male therefore I guess that because I ID as male I guess I must be gay but to me this is of secondary importance to my gender identity. 

And anyway he says he is attracted to men although he also admits he is attracted to women which isn't really relevant except I think this might actually be the problem, that he wants to be with a woman because he is sexually attracted to women not men.
Thing is I have given him the option to walk away from the relationship but he says conflicting things, one minute he wants to be in a relationship with me, the next it's big drama and he apparently never wants to have anything to do with me again.

When I first came out he seemed really, really supportive and we were also both exploring our sexuality, he was exploring into men at the time so I felt safe to come out and our relationship was actually better than it had ever been for a while but it's as though as I progress further and further into my transition he can't handle it, he has become really abusive lately and seems to be constantly drinking as well.  He does have an alcohol problem which he admits and which really bothers me as he is not the same person when he drinks he always becomes melancholy or hypercritical or picky and argumentative but he is trying to get it under control by drinking until he is sick of it and then he will quit or so he says but I am dubious whether this is just an excuse to just drink more.

All this makes him sound like an awful person and he is not I have my flaws too, the other night he wound me up so much that I was so frustrated that I punched him which I am not proud of  as I am not a violent person by nature and he is not violent towards me but we have been together for almost 11 years and we have deep feelings for each other or so I thought.  The way he is acting towards me at the moment is just really hurtful and wrong, he is rude, neglectful and critical and I am seriously thinking maybe I should end it.  I have tried speaking to him about his abusive behaviour towards me but he just denies it.

I am really, really upset when I should be feeling on top of the world I am on T, feel great am just starting to pass mot all the time but enough to make me feel good and have recently been accepted for a journalism course that I badly wanted to get on to.  This is the one thing that is marring my life apart from the fact that I am a skint student LOL but money doesn't really change how happy or sad I am it is just nice to have and makes life more fun.

Sorry for rambling on and on about my problems but I really, really need some advice on what to do.

[Nero]

Was he always bisexual or just said that after you came out?

[milliontoone]

he never said he was bisexual until he started exploring his sexuality/ we started exploring together.  i was encouraged by this and so i came out but now i think i might have encouraged him to explore at the time for obvious reasons, he has always been open minded and not against male sexuality, his mother is gay he is not and has never been homophobic and had male homosexual fantasies and even kissed a man before he even met me (part in jest though).

So I am really, really confused but I am starting to think that maybe he was bi curious and explored that and was kind of into it for a while because it was new and novel and then decided that it wasn't really doing it for him and he was not attracted to men.
He stresses that he loves me whatever but isn't exactly acting like it at the moment also logistically I think you have to be attracted to someone sexually for a relationship to be workable and I feel that he if he isn't sexually attracted to men  therefore not me and maybe this is what is causing him to be unhappy and unfufilled.

Of course I don't want him to feel this way, I want him to be happy, I myself want to be happy also life is too short for anything else but what can i do?

[petzjazz]

He does have an alcohol problem which he admits and which really bothers me as he is not the same person when he drinks he always becomes melancholy or hypercritical or picky and argumentative but he is trying to get it under control by drinking until he is sick of it and then he will quit or so he says but I am dubious whether this is just an excuse to just drink more.

Um...yeah. PRETTY sure that's just an excuse. I have yet to hear of any addiction recovery program which cures its members by encouraging them to overindulge their vice. If there is such a program, it was probably invented by someone who'd had a few drinks himself when he was writing out its protocols.

Regardless of any other issues in your relationship (and it sounds as though there are a few), your ultimate problem seems to be that your partner is probably not ready to be in a relationship with a man. I say this because he grows furious when percieved as being part of a gay couple, and his sexual attraction to men sounds tenuous - if not nonexistent. Perhaps after you came out, he remained involved with you because he was genuinely curious about being in a non-heterotypical relationship, but he was unwilling to actually be romantically involved with what he percieved as a "man". I suspect that this, and the fact that he's growing more and more uncomfortable as the T masculinizes you, means that he actually percieved you as "female" no matter what gender you identified with (and he probably still does see you as a female).

Your relationship is not going to work if he is not attracted to men. What you need to do is ask him point-blank if he is romantically and sexually attracted to MEN. If he cannot swear to you that he would willingly have sex with a male partner, you need to explain to him that regardless of genitalia, you are soon going to be male in every other physical way (facial hair, male chest, body composition, etc), so this is going to be a problem. Furthermore, you need to tell him that you cannot remain involved with him if he cannot respect you as a man and treat you as he would any other man (I assume that you are not willing to sacrifice your dignity and sense of self just to be with him).

Perhaps this is a trouble he can get over - perhaps it isn't. But if he can't "see you as a man", then you need to find someone who can respect you as a man and who would freely define your relationship as a homosexual (same sex) relationship.

[tekla]

Most relationships that start that young rarely last as long as yours has.  Count yourself lucky to have made it this far and get on with it.

[Paulina]

I don't think he is gay. If you're now a man it's a gay relationship.

If he's really straight then he's trying really hard and loves you a lot to stick with you. If he's bi then he's not understanding this and he's just confuse about this.

I say stick with him for a while but I feel he likes you. But whatever he said he doesn't mean it. But if he doesn't change within a few months then don't stay with him. He has a lot of adjusting to do, but if he loves you then he will adjust.

If the pain isn't worth it though then dump him.

[milliontoone]

Thanks guys.  I really, really appreciate your support and advice.  I am feeling really kinda sad right now so it is nice to know there are those out there that care.

[Nero]

he may just need time to adjust. i imagine transition would be hard on the partner no matter their orientation. regardless of orientation, the person he loves suddenly looks, sounds, and feels different.

[milliontoone]

Yes I will try and talk to him again tomorrow when he  wakes up.  I have even composed a sort of letter which I am going to read out to him which kind of addresses how upset I feel that we are fighting and not getting on and stuff.  I don't know how successfull this will be but I love him, we have spent over a decade together and I can but try.

[GinaDouglas]

Hit the road.

Don't make the common mistake of selling yourself short because you're trans and you think that any relationship is better than no relationship at all.

[bernii]

Dearest Million

I am sorry that you have to experience this rift between you and your partner. It sound like that for some reason your partner now feels threatened. I suspect that it is because he is really beginning to understand that this is not a "phase". Many people who are not trans think that someone who comes out them that they are just going through a phase and this will go away. I have had the very same reaction to me. It hurts. I know. I hope that you and your partner see better days ahead and he understands that you are now really showing the world who you really are and to be happy for you as we all are!!
Congratulations on the world seeing you!

HUGS

Brenda

[Renate]

He is trying to get it under control by drinking until he is sick of it and then he will quit.

Brilliant plan.

He's abusive. Dump him.

[tekla]

He is trying to get it under control by drinking until he is sick of it and then he will quit

Yeah right.  I know people who are 70+ and still trying to do that.  Abuse you once, you have my sympathy, after that, its your own bad choices that keep you there.  Sorry, but that's the truth.

[CodyJess]

I'm going to be really annoying and quote out all the things in this that really stand out to me.

...it seems he refuses to accept me as male.

...this is just an excuse to just drink more.

The way he is acting towards me at the moment is just really hurtful and wrong, he is rude, neglectful and critical...

I have tried speaking to him about his abusive behaviour towards me but he just denies it.

If you can be up front and honest about this stuff with him, talk to him. If he won't listen to you about his behavior, then start off with explaining how he's making you feel, rather than what he's doing. He really needs to knock it off with the drinking; that 'drinking so much he gets sick of it' thing is pure bull->-bleeped-<-. Unless of course, he's trying to trash his liver in fast-forward, thus making him physically too sick to drink.

From personal experience, denying the abuse or abusive behavior is very common. That, and trying to guilt you into dealing with it. (Example1: being abusive, and the next day being wonderful and apologetic.) (Example2: Trying to make you feel like it's your fault somehow, or that you're 'making him' act like that in some fashion.)
Don't put up with this ->-bleeped-<-. You've been doing something important and life-changing to make things better for yourself, don't undermine that by staying in a bad environment.  Late in your life, you should be able to look back on your transition and have joyful and happy memories; not a bunch of ->-bleeped-<- and guilt over someone who's treating you like crap. You deserve better than that.

I can understand that such a long-term relationship may be worth salvaging. Give it a shot, if you want to. Give it your all if it's worth it to you. But if things don't get better, then get out. Don't sacrifice your well-being and happiness for someone who's treating you like ->-bleeped-<-. No matter what it was like before, or how good things were, it's not worth 'roughing it out' unless there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am really, really upset when I should be feeling on top of the world

^ This.

Give it your best shot. Try. Maybe he'll clean up and turn around; like Nero said, your transition is likely very difficult for him to deal with, no matter how well he keeps himself composed about it. If you don't want to break it off entirely, maybe some space and time apart would help - give him the chance to adjust to what's obviously a drastic change in his life (your new identity).

Just don't let yourself get stuck in a bad place. Abuse is difficult to recover from.

[Khrist]

Milliontoone, to me it doesn't sound like you should continue the relationship. Addictions, confusion, drama and non-support are an extreme and often destructive combination especially when it comes to intimate relationships. I've gone through similar though not identical trials myself, and although I attempted to leave several times he only wanted me out of his life on his own terms. Don't wait for it to come to that.
If anything you probably both need to spend some time apart, perhaps indefinitely, perhaps until y'all work out this dilemma and can make a sound decision on what to do about it.

[milliontoone]

I have told him how hurt I feel and how much I did not want to be around an alcoholic and he insists that he doesn't want to be an alcoholic and that this really is the way he will cure himself of being an alcoholic.  I must admit I like most of you am highly doubtful.  However when I told him how hurt I felt over what he had said and how he behaved and how I really would like an apology he refused to apologise and said that he felt he did not have anything to apologize for.  When I remarked that he never apologized to me about anything he said that he frequently apologises to me even though I truly cannot recall him doing so any time in the recent past at least.  Oh well I am bigger than needing an apology from someone who is obviously in the wrong but he knows that if he speaks to me or behaves like that again it is over and I will end it.  I have told him that if he can't quit drinking to at least stay away from me when he drinks.  With regards to my transition he said he does and can totally accept my transition and that he is attracted to men but I guess we will see.

I have said my piece.  Thanks all once again for your advice and support.  Just knowing you are there makes it better somehow.

[tekla]

he doesn't want to be an alcoholic and that this really is the way he will cure himself of being an alcoholic

I mean change that to anything else and see if it makes sense.

I don't want to be a fat person so I'm going to eat my way to being thin.
I don't want to be a junkie, so I'm going to do heroin till I get sick of it.
I don't want to be a pothead so I'm going to smoke this pound of fine California Kind Bud.
I don't want to be a crossdresser so I'm going to wear nothing but Victoria's Secret panties.

Really.

No matter if you need it or not, its not a good sign that the other party is unwilling to apologize.  That means that not only do they think they have done no wrong, but that hurting/offending you doesn't matter to them.

[milliontoone]

I don't want to be a crossdresser so I'm going to wear nothing but Victoria's Secret panties.

Yeah LOL.  I know it.  What you said, it does make sense. 
I just need to work it out.

[sneakersjay]

If you feel there is something worth saving in there after 11 years, counseling with a therapist who understands gender issues sounds like it's a must.  But you have changed, his perception of you is changing, and that is a lot for a partner to handle.  As we've seen around here many times, relationships rarely survive transition, and those that do put in a lot of hard work to make it work.

I don't tolerate abuse, one reason I'm already divorced (passive aggressive abusive arse); you deserve better.  My opinion it that it's better to be alone and happy and live in a peaceful environment than be in a  relationship that causes grief and drama on a regular basis.

Jay

[Silver]

First thing I thought when I saw the name of the post: Leave.

Reading your post hasn't changed my mind. If that's how it is, it's only going to get worse from here. He was exploring, which means he was not sure. Not all ventures work out. Find someone else.

SilverFang