Hello everyone.
I joined this forum in the hope that I could share my story and maybe get some advice, because I'm not really sure whether I'm transgender (if that's the right term), and I don't know what to do if I am. I've suspected I might be for about eight years. I've tried to understand my feelings for so long, but really I just don't know and it's really frustrating. I understand that nobody except me can say, "you're transgender", but maybe sharing my feelings and experiences with others, and hearing other people's stories will help me understand my own a little better. So, here goes..
I was born the youngest, and the only male with three older sisters. My parents divorced when I was nine, and I moved with my mother and sisters to another state. Shortly after my mother's high school friend, and for a time her sister and her sister's daughter. So growing up I was the only male in a house of five to seven females.
In high school, most of my friends were girls. I always felt I had more in common with girls than guys. I was never into sports or partying or drinking or pretty much anything any other guy was interested in at that age. I let my hair grow long past my shoulders, and on bus rides would let my female friends braid my hair while I braided theirs. I did have a girlfriend my senior year of high school, but it was a strange relationship. I think maybe we both just liked the idea of a relationship, but didn't have the emotional connection to back it up. We broke up on good terms about a month after prom. It was also during this time that I started playing female characters in online games, though I had at that time always told people that I was a male playing a female character.
Online games began to allow much more customization of your avatar when I was in college, and more and more I played female characters, and began pretending to be female in real life in these games (I was starting to fantasize about what it would be like to be a woman. I felt awkward and unnattractive as a man). The extent to which I elaborated on this lie culminated in a game called Second Life, which allowed me to explore parts of my personality that I didn't even know were there. I played multiple characters, but the main character was a female called "miya", for whom I created an elaborate fake real-life story of a bisexual girl. I even created a second character so that my "miya" character could have a pretend love interest. Apparently I wasn't clever enough to hold up this elaborate lie, and was eventually found out. I was so ashamed and embarrassed when this happened that I quit Second Life altogether and I haven't played since.
In the meantime, my hair was becoming an issue with my family, but I resisted pressure to cut it until later in college. It was an extremely emotional time for me - my sister issued a thinly veiled ultimatum - cut my hair or she wouldn't let me spend time with my nephews, whom I love very much. When I did I felt like I was cutting away a part of me.
I refer to the next part of my life as "the dark ages", because everything seemed to happen at once. My father died - FAR too early. I never really got to know him and that's a regret I think I will have for a long time. I began having anxiety attacks - which made my grades sink through the floor. Eventually I dropped out of the college I was at and transferred to another, less expensive and less difficult college - after about a year break. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to finish my degree.
After a particularly painful but thankfully short lived relationship, I met the woman who would later become my wife. We clicked on so many levels, and made me far more comfortable as a man. So much so that I started to think maybe all my fantasies of being a woman were a phase. The problem is that I still sometimes fantasize about what it would be like to be a woman. I don't do anything to express these thoughts. They come and go.
Anyway, that's my story. Hopefully it wasn't too boring for y'all.
