Where to start...I have so much to say about myself and no idea how to say it.
My name is Maxx. About a year ago, I came out to myself that I was a guy. I remember crying and finally feeling comfortable/happy with myself. After that, I did a lot of research. Read sites, even forum posts here...Just collecting information to try to piece together the puzzle that is my life and to try not to feel so alone. It was only a few months ago that I started living as a man(online only). I have friends who know me as Maxx, an internet boyfriend(who knows fully about me being born a girl...actually has a funny story attached to coming out to him, because it turns out he's ftm too...I'll post it in the coming out later.). I have a life as Maxx, and since living that life, I have felt happy, secure, and have come to love who I am as a person. So, I feel like it's time for me to finally post on here and really talk to people who get some of what I'm going through.
It is still hard for me to look in a mirror, but even so, when I do...I don't focus on what I see. Instead, I like to look and imagine what can be and what will be. Looking at it that way helps me cope, I suppose.
So...I guess now I'll describe what it was like to grow up. Well, in a way, I always knew that I was a boy. At the age of 7 or so, I noticed how different I was. In fact, so did the people around me. I remember a kid asking me once if I was a boy or a girl, and I honestly didn't know how to answer. At the time, my mother insisted, "Of course you're a girl. What a stupid question! I can't believe that kid asked that." I have nothing against that response. To any average person with no knowledge that a child can be confused in that way, it's the most logical response. It just didn't sit well with me, though. It felt so wrong.
As I got older, I started distancing myself from girls. I hated being near them. I acted out. Protested against anything pink, glittery, or cute. My hair was long, but permanently pulled back in a messy, tangled pony tail. I wore all black clothes...and if I *had* to wear makeup, it was heavy punk eyeliner and eyeshadow, never anything more. If a girl talked to me as if I was supposed to understand her interests, it pissed me off. "So, like, I love going shopping and trying on clothes. Don't you just love the mall?"..No...I don't. I never have. When I was little, I'd throw a fit if I had to try on clothes(especially dresses), and...heaven forbid if my mom tried to play with my hair, haha. I'm nothing like that now, especially since I came to an understanding of myself, but still...I don't care for shopping(unless it's for music, movies, or video games.)
Anyway, I was so confused. I started trying to commit suicide around the age of 9. I remember trying to drown myself in the tub, wrapping an electrical cord around my neck to strangle myself, and even trying to work up the courage to overdose on pills. At 11, I tried slicing my throat during school with a sharp object I had in my backpack. I started therapy and..well, that lasted a very short time. The lady really didn't even try to understand, I had a VERY hard time talking to her. I did get something out of it though...the general understanding that I just hated all females...young and old. At least, I did at the time.
Around that time, I became making friends with the guys in my class. My age range was finally at the point where males could be friends with females without it being "gross." My friends were awesome, understanding, nerdy...My kind of people. We played video games together, talked about stupid guy stuff...they viewed me as a girl, but as one of them said..."It's just weird to think of you that way. You act like us." At the time, I didn't realize just how true those words were. I still felt different. I dwelled on the physical, instead of the emotional/mental aspects of who I was. I was still really depressed and I hated it when people expected me to know/understand girl stuff.
It wasn't easy, but I got through middle school. High school is a different story. I started cutting myself in 9th grade. I had a boyfriend, but I hated the way he looked at me(after we broke up, he came out as gay...which I find pretty interesting now). I was just...completely out of my mind. Convincing myself that it wasn't me with the problem, but it was everyone else, I ran away with a person from the internet(stupid, I know), and was quickly returned home. After a long period of reflection, I realized I had to figure out, on my own, what was going on inside me. I dropped out of high school after my 16th birthday, got my GED, and began college a year later. I remember looking in the mirror once at 17, hair pulled back...that I said, "Hmm...I look kinda like a guy."......Oh, I cried. I cried so hard. I went home and started trying to find answers. I found them. Transgender...I had never heard that word before, but it made sense. I read stories that seemed to match mine so much. I began thinking over my life, my emotions, my mental state. Everything began slowly clicking into place. The more I thought over my life, the more it made sense. The more I saw myself that way, the better I felt. I was so happy. I started smiling, laughing. People said they saw a change in me.
I'm 18 now, and to be honest, I know I'm very young, immature, and still have....a very long way to go. I don't believe I'll ever find all the answers, but I can try to find as many as possible. I love who I am.
"Look at me, I will never pass for the perfect bride, or the perfect daughter. Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart. Who is this girl I see, staring straight, back at me? When will my reflection show, who I am inside?"...Those are..lyrics from the movie Mulan. It was my favorite movie as a child...I remember crying to it, connecting to it, even without knowing why. The girl who became a guy(sort of), I remember wanting to be her. I would pull my hair back to look like a boy. *sigh* Those were the days, it was way easier then.
I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I know who I am, and I've been very, very lucky. I only just came out to my parents today, but they have been so supportive..."We aren't surprised." haha. My dad, the some-what homophobic person who was the entire reason I was living in complete fear of coming out, has actually been more understanding than my mom. I have been so lucky to not really face the problems so many others like myself have faced. My friends have been more than understanding, my family; accepting, and I've only dealt with one case of people treating me rudely(they were 14 year old boys who found out through a friend, and they were questioning their sexuality...so I really, really don't blame them for the things they said.) I am happy with who I am. I love who I am. For the first time, I am imagining a future. It may be hard, but I'm willing to face the trials.
Thank you for listening. I am so sorry that I go on and on like that. It's just nice to get it all out, and I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense at times.
