Never felt so damned alone...

[stacyB]

Im sorry but I am really upset right now and need to vent.

About a month ago I decided to conquer my eating disorder for good. Ive suffered from bulimia for over 30 years now, and since my decision to transition I felt I needed to get my house in order. The way Im feeling right now, at this moment, all I feel is regret...

Some background... I started general therapy 3 1/2 years ago on advice from my doctor. He knew about my bulimia and told me it was affecting my health. At that time I was deep in the closet and still believed I somehow I was damaged for being TG. Never considered telling a soul...

In the course of therapy I uncovered and addressed many issues, most notably coming to terms with being TG. As I tackled the various issues and my past it was so clear that they were all connected.

A couple months ago I decided I needed to face the bulimia once and for all. My therapist made contact with an old colleague and I started therapy with her concurrently with my continued therapy with him.

Ive been having a really tough time with this, tougher than I would have ever imagined. Its about so much more than food. Its about self image. Its about finding a comfort and control for things over which I have no control. Its about confronting things I have buried and about facing myself.

I have opened a Pandoras box... 

I went into this thinking I was doing the right thing. I came out to my parents and my closest friends, and starting planning the next steps for transitioning. For the first time I was charting my own course to finding the peace I have sought for so long.

Instead Ive taken a huge confidence hit. On everything. The worst of it came in last weeks session on Thursday. My therapist asked me to try and explain whats going through my head when I am feeling the urge to binge/purge. I told her how nighttime is the worst... since Ive started a new diet and change of habits, I find I am good till around 9-10 at night. Then I lose it.

In the course of talking we talked about transitioning and how this affects my life. We talked about work and liesure time. Then she asked me if I am lonely. At first I waved it off thinking I have friends, I see and interact with people all day long. But as the question sank in I realized how lonely I really feel. Which lead me to thinking about how I still dont feel like I fit in, even here amongst the other TGs. Or anywhere.

I find that I am losing ground in confidence/self image field. But it wasnt only this session that brought out these feelings. And its permeated ever facet of my life. In my relationships. In my work. Everything.

This isnt the first time Ive thought about transitioning. Years ago when I was much younger and out in the TG world... when there was no internet for information, no support, no understanding like there is today. Now I feel angry that I didnt finish what I started back then. I still had the same issues and eating disoder. Logically I know that it would not have been a healthy way to approach this. But emotionally I am feeling like I cheated myself of a chance when I would have been better prepared to handle it.

Now all of the old feelings and regrets have come back to haunt me. Plus a whole slew of new ones.

Two things also brought back memories and made me see things I didnt want to see.

First was a post here about being afraid to cry. I havent been able to cry since my wife walked out on me. All I keep thinking is afraid? What I would give to be able to find that release. It feels like an infected wound that wont heal until all of the toxin is removed. Even now at 3am with my eyes welling up in tears, I know this is as far as it will go. And so I will end up going to bed feeling frustrated and depressed.

Second was at dinner by friends last week, a small gathering. There was an electronic baby grand piano sitting in the living room. One of the hosts sat down and started playing... all the memories of the music I used to play and write came flooding back. Later I sat down to play, something I havent dont in more than 15+ years. I had forgotten so much... at first I brushed it off as feeling bad and a bit embarrassed that I couldnt play like I used to.

But during my ride home when I had time to think I realized... it was another part of me that had died.

So in connecting all of the pieces together... I have this sense that I cant successfully transition without dealing with the baggage I carry now. To do that I have to tackle not just a disease but the underlying cause. Opening up those wounds uncovered not just anger and self image issues but also parts of me that seem to have shut down, be it crying or music or god knows what the hell else is lurking underneath.

I feel like I would feel alone in a crowded room at a party. And I feel cheated. I am doing my best at being honest and dealing with personal crap and facing and accepting myself. So why the hell does it feel worse? How long and how much do I need to keep paying before I finally get to the good parts? Before I finally find peace? Or maybe some happiness?

What I would give for a good cry right now... 

[V M]

Stacey, you are not alone. I don't think I have bulimia. But I def. have an eating disorder. Maybe it is related to PTSD. I have to force myself to eat something on nearly a daily basis. Even my size 4 (XS) panties are becoming too big. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The depression and anxiety is turning me into a skeleton.

[Deanna_Renee]

Yes, Stacy, you are not alone. While I don't have any eating disorders or any other physical, emotional or psychological disorders... okay... with the exception of GID which has single handedly caused most of the problems and issues in my life. I can however completely relate to that paralyzing feeling of loneliness. I have never been fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to have had a relationship or marriage so I have never known the closeness or intensity of love. I don't know what would be the greater pain; the intense ever present pain of isolation, ever yearning to feel connected to someone, to sit on the sidelines watching your friends or complete strangers walking hand-in-hand with someone who is clearly in love with them and kissing, holding hands, etc and wishing beyond any hope that could be you. Or having had that love, experienced those feelings and then lose that which had become a part of you.

I am so sorry for the pain you are having and I hope you find something that will help you to unlock that pain and set it free so that you can find the happiness that I know is buried inside you. I don't know how you would feel about this, but one suggestion would be to consider hypnotic regression therapy. I know that this can be very effective for locating and coming to terms with past issues that can be too devastating to deal with consciously. With a good and compassionate therapist you may find that so much of the pain you are feeling may stem from some event that you would never consciously associate with the feelings you now have and addressing that issue will allow for a domino effect, releasing many years of pain, loneliness, tears etc.

I have never undergone such therapy (because I always told myself I didn't have a problem - I really didn't want to have to admit that I was really a woman and not a man because that would be 'wrong'). I have, however, known someone who was studying to become a hypnotherapist and she was a wonderfully gifted lady. I have also been through a few very strong and powerful regression meditations in order to reach in to release some emotions that had been locked up tighter than Fort Knox. It had worked to a degree, the strongest of the walls still stood unscathed, hiding my secret from even myself, but many other walls were taken down and I had some very intense release of emotions. I had never laughed and cried so much in my life.

I know having people to share your most intimate feelings with through the internet is wonderful, but in the long run it does nothing to alleviate the pain of loneliness. I don't know if I have helped you at all, or made it worse bringing up past pains. But, know that there are many more of us that can sympathize with your pain and we are here to listen, offer a virtual shoulder to cry on, and offer what advice we can.

I wish you all the happiness I know is in you. Huge hugs 

Deanna

[Eva Marie]

Stacy-

I don't have any particular words of wisdom, but I do have a hug 

<<hug>>

riven

[cindianna_jones]

Stacy,

You are not alone.  I feel many of the same feelings that you do.  I do find myself alone in a crowded room. I'm fairly shy and people don't easily get to know me.  I too have an eating disorder of some sort but I've never dealt with it. I tried last year but left the program.

What you look at down the path you face is daunting.  You wonder how it will all come together, how will you face your ghosts, how will you be accepted after all is said and done.

Look, if this thing drives you like it did me, it will happen.  A freight train won't be able to stop it.

Chin up! .... and all that

Cindi

Im sorry but I am really upset right now and need to vent.

About a month ago I decided to conquer my eating disorder for good. Ive suffered from bulimia for over 30 years now, and since my decision to transition I felt I needed to get my house in order. The way Im feeling right now, at this moment, all I feel is regret...

Some background... I started general therapy 3 1/2 years ago on advice from my doctor. He knew about my bulimia and told me it was affecting my health. At that time I was deep in the closet and still believed I somehow I was damaged for being TG. Never considered telling a soul...

In the course of therapy I uncovered and addressed many issues, most notably coming to terms with being TG. As I tackled the various issues and my past it was so clear that they were all connected.

A couple months ago I decided I needed to face the bulimia once and for all. My therapist made contact with an old colleague and I started therapy with her concurrently with my continued therapy with him.

Ive been having a really tough time with this, tougher than I would have ever imagined. Its about so much more than food. Its about self image. Its about finding a comfort and control for things over which I have no control. Its about confronting things I have buried and about facing myself.

I have opened a Pandoras box... 

I went into this thinking I was doing the right thing. I came out to my parents and my closest friends, and starting planning the next steps for transitioning. For the first time I was charting my own course to finding the peace I have sought for so long.

Instead Ive taken a huge confidence hit. On everything. The worst of it came in last weeks session on Thursday. My therapist asked me to try and explain whats going through my head when I am feeling the urge to binge/purge. I told her how nighttime is the worst... since Ive started a new diet and change of habits, I find I am good till around 9-10 at night. Then I lose it.

In the course of talking we talked about transitioning and how this affects my life. We talked about work and liesure time. Then she asked me if I am lonely. At first I waved it off thinking I have friends, I see and interact with people all day long. But as the question sank in I realized how lonely I really feel. Which lead me to thinking about how I still dont feel like I fit in, even here amongst the other TGs. Or anywhere.

I find that I am losing ground in confidence/self image field. But it wasnt only this session that brought out these feelings. And its permeated ever facet of my life. In my relationships. In my work. Everything.

This isnt the first time Ive thought about transitioning. Years ago when I was much younger and out in the TG world... when there was no internet for information, no support, no understanding like there is today. Now I feel angry that I didnt finish what I started back then. I still had the same issues and eating disoder. Logically I know that it would not have been a healthy way to approach this. But emotionally I am feeling like I cheated myself of a chance when I would have been better prepared to handle it.

Now all of the old feelings and regrets have come back to haunt me. Plus a whole slew of new ones.

Two things also brought back memories and made me see things I didnt want to see.

First was a post here about being afraid to cry. I havent been able to cry since my wife walked out on me. All I keep thinking is afraid? What I would give to be able to find that release. It feels like an infected wound that wont heal until all of the toxin is removed. Even now at 3am with my eyes welling up in tears, I know this is as far as it will go. And so I will end up going to bed feeling frustrated and depressed.

Second was at dinner by friends last week, a small gathering. There was an electronic baby grand piano sitting in the living room. One of the hosts sat down and started playing... all the memories of the music I used to play and write came flooding back. Later I sat down to play, something I havent dont in more than 15+ years. I had forgotten so much... at first I brushed it off as feeling bad and a bit embarrassed that I couldnt play like I used to.

But during my ride home when I had time to think I realized... it was another part of me that had died.

So in connecting all of the pieces together... I have this sense that I cant successfully transition without dealing with the baggage I carry now. To do that I have to tackle not just a disease but the underlying cause. Opening up those wounds uncovered not just anger and self image issues but also parts of me that seem to have shut down, be it crying or music or god knows what the hell else is lurking underneath.

I feel like I would feel alone in a crowded room at a party. And I feel cheated. I am doing my best at being honest and dealing with personal crap and facing and accepting myself. So why the hell does it feel worse? How long and how much do I need to keep paying before I finally get to the good parts? Before I finally find peace? Or maybe some happiness?

What I would give for a good cry right now... 

[Julie Marie]

Stacy, you have my number. I think we know each other well enough that's it's okay to call me when you are feeling like this.

When you were over I was a bit overwhelmed with the change of venue, the food prep and all the other stuff and we didn't have much time to talk.  But you could have told me or Julie what you were feeling. We would have taken the time to listen. 

And, I really liked hearing you play.

When you are going through the tough times (or any time for that matter) you can call.  It's not an imposition.  Julie and I have enjoyed your company and consider you a friend.

Yes, transition is tough and we all beat up on ourselves for so many reasons but it doesn't help one bit.  As I read your post here it reminded me of the rough times I went through over the past several years.  I can't tell you how many times I asked God to take me (He never listens) and how many times I cried my eyes out. 

My fear of crying post doesn't apply so much now as it did when I wrote it.  That's because there is an end to the transition and I am nearing it.  And it's only now, after the emotional hell, after the surgeries, after all that crap that I'm starting to feel like my old self again, only this time in the right gender. 

Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Even as little as a few months ago it would have been hard for me to believe that.  I thought I had GRS too late and it would never heal right and I would never feel like my old self again.  I was wrong. 

Today Julie and I played our weekly round of golf.  Afterward we cleaned up a bit in the bathroom before having a drink in the clubhouse.  I looked in the mirror and realized I like the woman I see today.  But as a test, I asked myself if I went back to that male person how would I feel? In a flash that old face came back and I had the image of crumbling to the floor and crying forever.  Then I knew, without a doubt, all the emotional and physical trauma I have endured to get here was worth every bit to get here.

You will arrive at that point too.  Unfortunately it takes time.  But I want you to know I will be here when you call to help you through that time... if you want.

Julie

[juliekins]

Hi, Stacy.

I'd like to simply second what Julie1 said. We will both always be here for you. Please pick up the phone, we're always available to you. Please don't feel like you have to make a go of this alone! We women rely upon each other for help and support.

BTW, I would take steps towards transition which are innoculous and take some time like electrolysis, growing out your hair and/or doing hair treatments. This stuff takes a couple of years, unless you do E3000. It helped me feel like I was doing something towards my transition, yet was something that I could do privately without going F/T. Believe me, you don't want to put this off to do after going F/T. I don't think that you have to clear up all of your issues before doing these sorts of things.

All of our best to you. Hang in there. dear. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, you don't deserve it. You did nothing to create these issues in your life. You will get well!

ps. anytime you want to come by to play the piano, just call. We'd love to hear you play again!

[Buddhas Camera]

A therapist I used to see in Mpls for groups specializes in eating disorders and gender issues, both, and finds they are often combined.  I used to deal with anorexia, it's mostly handled now, but I can really really relate.

There can be a lot of incredible loneliness to the process of becoming more congruent.  I think it comes in waves, and sometimes, it has seemed intolerable.  I am back experiencing it somewhat again, but I think it was the very worst in most ways before I started much of the transition.

I think it's great you are working on all your body image / perception issues at once, but of course, that will bring you to a point of having to (hopefully) FEEL the pain you likely used the bulimia to avoid feeling, so you can move through that, to the other side, and let the pain then finally dissipate.

I am not sure how helpful I am here.  I want to be -- my heart goes out to you.
You deserve to find a sense of real belongingness and happiness in the world.

(speaking to myself right now, as well, it's been a rough week in some ways).

peace.
JOseph