Please help me...What should I do? Hubby TG

[Ellieka]

Hi Starry,

I think form what you have told us that your husband and I are a lot alike. I have been married twice and my second marriage is ending now. Actually it's already over, just waiting for the paperwork.

I was just like him. Angry all the time over the stupidest things, Convinced that God did not approve of me being transgendered, Refusing to get help...

I put my wife through hell. I swore, and even convinced myself for a while, that this was all just a sexual fetish. I told her it was only a "once-in-a-while" thing and that I would never fully want to transition. It wasn't a lie, I really did not want to. I was worried about how my family would react, how it would effect my children and my job. I worried that I would lose my marriage and never find love again. I worried that I would never be accepted in society as a woman or worse, that I would be attacked or killed because of it. I fought with every fiber of my being to resist. But... in the end I knew that I had to transition or die. those were my only two choices.

When I finally came out to myself and was able to admit that I am a woman my whole world came crashing down. My wife tried to be supportive and accepting, she really did. But finally she just broke. I did lose my family with the exception of my two daughters. They are the only members of my family that still love and accept me completely for who I am. Why? Because through it all I did everything I could to let them know just how much I loved them and that I would do anything for them. From the day they were born I showered them with love. They were the reason I stayed in my first marriage for seven years... I didn't want to hurt them. They were the reason I waited thirty two years to transition... I didn't want to hurt them. Finally I came to the realization that by keeping all this pent up and then exploding at the slightest provocation I was hurting them.

When I finally started coming out my children were the first to know after my wife. I sat both my girls on my lap and just broke. I poured my heart out to them. I told them that I would rather die then ever hurt them but that I had to do this or I was never going to be happy or a good parent. And you know what their only question was? "Are you still going to like computers?"  I'm a computer geek.

I still have a very active and good relationship with them. Like I said, I did lose my wife in the end because she is not a lesbian. She needs a man and I am not a man.

Bottom line here is he is not going to make a decision one way or the other as long as he is still so self conflicted. Something is going to have to break or he will never decide. Sadly you may have to be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak. You may have to give him the ultimatum.  Tell him that his indecision is destroying you and that if he refuses to get help or make up his mind then your going to have to set sail.

I was not able to make a decision until I was forced to face what I was going to lose on either side of the equation. If I did not transition then I would become abusive and suicidal and I would lose my marriage, children, and my job. If I did transition then I would be happy that I could live life as I was meant to. I still stood the risk of losing it all but I had to fix my own issues first. Then and only then could I be of any use to anyone else.

I hope this helps some and feel free to cut and past any part of this that you feel may be helpful to him and let him read it. He's never going to be happy until s/he fully address and deals with this issue. 

[Julie Marie]

The first thing the average person thinks when confronted with a close friend or family member who is TG is there's a problem.  Socially, this is true, for society sees any cross gendered behavior a problem.  The next reaction is getting the person with the problem into therapy.  That's kind of like saying "I don't understand what is going on inside you but you have the problem, not me, so you have to into therapy to fix yourself.

Society conditions us to react in that way.  And it's unfair to the person targeted with the "problem".

I never thought I had a problem except when dealing with those who wanted nothing to do with my being trans.  You need to get your hubby's opinion if a problem exists and what is the source of the problem.  And you both need to identify what avenues you want to take to resolve the problem, if there is one.

Your hubby needs to identify the specific gender identity situation that exists.  There are heterosexual male crossdressers who are perfectly happy being a man.  There are heterosexual TGs who need to have one foot in each camp, never able to settle into one alone.  And there are transsexuals where brain gender is the opposite of physical (birth) gender.  And there's a lot in between.

For many, this can be very difficult to identify and an experienced gender therapist can help with that.  There's a lot of pressure on male born children to conform to socially established gender rules, especially when it comes to presentation.  So it isn't unusual for the male born TG to feel the only way to express their femininity is to transition.  Most will learn, with good therapy and family support, exactly what they need and non-TSs will not pursue physical transition, though some do.

As all this comes to a head, it's quite common to see the TG go to extremes, in dress, in talk, whatever.  It's kind of like a pendulum.  Once you release it, it swings way to the other side but eventually settles in the middle.  This may not happen but don't be surprised if it does.  Give things time to settle down.

At this point it's important not to panic.  The situation is not a crisis.  It is solvable.  But you have to keep a level head and educate yourself.  And you hubby needs to identify exactly what feelings are inside and how they will be dealt with.  Guilt can confuse and overwhelm the best of us so it's also important to try to keep the guilt out of the equation.

There's a lot of information on this site.  Utilize it and you'll most likely find this isn't as bad as you originally thought.  And always feel free to come here and ask questions.

Julie

[Tammy Hope]

I am married with kids in the home (16 and 12) and my wife didn't know about me until last year, so that is for background.

i think a lot of good advice has been given, particularly by kate but I just wanted to add a thought, perhaps a distillation if you will.

I think that IF you indeed would preferthat you guys be together in the long run that he has to have some clear information on that, but that you also have to be strong about his getting professional help (as so many have said)

So lay it out for him - "I will stay with you whatever gender you live as but i will NOT stay with you unless you face the problem and settle it one way or the other. I cannot and will not stay and put our daughter through this unless you commit to get professional counseling and stay with it. If you refuse, or start and stop when it gets tough, we are gone."

Something like that. S/he needs to know bluntly and specifically "IF x then Y, if not X then not Y" and that you are strong enough to follow through.

Then, if s/he can't or won't be strong enough to choose the proper course of action, that's not on you in ANY way and you have honored your feelings for him all that you can reasonably be expected to.

[Just Kate]

I'm very saddened to hear about your situation.  The advice given before about your husband going to therapy is great, but it is time to set some boundaries to protect yourself and him.  Either he will or will not decide to transition.  It is good to think ahead of time how you will respond to either decision.  Having him angry all the time obviously isn't working out for you, so decide that whatever decision he makes, anger will not be part of it.

Regardless if his decision, this will be a very trying time for you both.  Either in you helping him cope with finding ways to live without transition or in helping him confront with the myriad of social/psychological issues that will come with beginning transition.  You also need to consider the financial ends of this.  I'm not sure of your current financial situation, but if he decides to transition and decides that surgery will be a requirement, then those things will be very expensive with a balance struck between him achieving his dream and your family's financial security.

Essentially, this will be a war either way, not just a battle to be won.  I made the decision to not transition 8 years ago, and my wife has been my best ally, but there are nights I know she probably feels like pulling her hair out because of the depression that overtakes me at times by my gender dysphoria, but she recognizes my struggle and does her best to be there for me, but she has definite boundaries to protect herself.  I still consider her the strongest person I know.  Fortunately, depressive episodes are happening less and less for me now, but it has been a long fight.

If he decides he needs to transition, there will be even more to consider, as I mentioned before.

Best of luck to you, truly.  You did the right thing coming here looking for answers, I hope that your empathy for your husband will increase, and his for your plight as well.  Mutual empathy will be a great boon to you both in the trying times ahead.

[starry]

Sorry, I am just now getting back to this... Cami... Thank you for sharing your story, yes, it has been much like your story. I'm so glad your kids are so accepting and loving! Children are the most amazing, accepting and wonderful little people in the world!

I have known about the TG for many years and have spent endless hours talking with him about it, but it never solves anything, always goes back to square one. His latest comment last week was that our daughter needs him to be a father. I do tell him that what she needs is a loving, happy parent, male or female.

Anyway, I'll write a little more later tonight, things hectic here right now but I want to address a few more things said here... For right now I just wanted to thank you all so much for your insight and support, it is true, I don't have any support system now that mom is gone. And, even when she was here, I mean support only by that she knew about it because she mostly just felt so much sympathy for what he must be going through that we couldn't really talk about the logistics of it all and our relationship.

Nichole, you hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you said about us, and me.

More later...
Post Merge: August 06, 2009, 06:06:12 PM

When I finally came out to myself and was able to admit that I am a woman my whole world came crashing down. My wife tried to be supportive and accepting, she really did. But finally she just broke.

I have tried for so so long, many years, but I also feel about to "break". When you are SO transfixed with one thing the entire world becomes about YOU (figuratively speaking). I remember nights where I sat by my mom's side in Oregon and fed her the morphine and other drugs she needed and the emotions of saying goodbye ran SO high, nights I think would break me, and when I talked to D on the phone, we talked about him wanting to be a woman much of the time. Some days I have wanted to scream at him "THERE IS SO MORE TO LIFE THAN YOU WANTING TO BE A GIRL!".... but I know, that he is consumed by it so it is mostly all he thinks about.

Sorry, but that is honestly how I have felt, at least in those days. In these days, I am trying to just push my own stuff down as I have in the past because it really seems to him that all that matters emotionally is wanting to be a girl, besides our daughter and taking care of us
Post Merge: August 06, 2009, 07:10:15 PM
I don't know why it keeps merging my responses, sorry, new here . I wanted to say that D works driving a truck and is only home on Sundays really, last year, I was in Oregon with mom for a year and we saw each other maybe 2 or 3 times most the year. I have no idea how it would be if we were together every day, or night. I know I can't wait to see him by the time Sunday comes around and get very upset when he ends up getting upset and mad at stupid stuff that ends up ruining our ONE day together.

I would like to get counseling but as we only see each other one day a week, on Sundays, that really isn't an option
Post Merge: August 06, 2009, 08:31:42 PM
I guess it's just going to merge all these but a note to Nichole... Thank you so much for your post, you are right, I am trying to "fix" this, not fix him, as far as who he is inside, but to somehow make our marriage and family work. I know we will never be a "nuclear" family but I have always wanted it to work.

Some days I think the only way for him to be happy and persue what he needs to is for ME to let him go, because though we have awful fights and break up constantly, he always comes back, I am the ONLY one in his life he talks to and knows him as a woman. His family would never accept him, trust me, I have met them many times and they are not the type of family that would ever accept him as a woman, they are very superficial and judgemental people, not like my family was at all.

Financially, I am not working since I spent the last year in Portland and am going back to school to expand on my 19 years of Graphic Design experience and incorporate web design which will take a year. He has been working so hard completely supporting us driving a truck away from home... ...

I can guarantee you that NOTHING will ever be taken out on our daughter. She is well adjusted and VERY well loved by both of us, she is very happy and loving and I would NEVER take my feelings out on her, ever. She means everything to me and her well being is the most important thing for both D and I.

I don't want to let him go, maybe for selfish reasons, but I do know that I don't think I could ever make him happy. It's true, though I want to try, I am a heterosexual. I wouldn't really know how to deal with a woman in an intimate relationship or if I could "go there" Sometimes I think I could if it was a mutual thing, I just feel I have been giving for so long and been so alone in the process....
Post Merge: August 06, 2009, 09:47:23 PM
btw, Nichole, I LOVE your sig. as you can tell by my name
Post Merge: August 06, 2009, 10:48:17 PM
... and at this rate I will never get 15 posts