I have been going through a period of doubt lately, when I wake up only to wonder why in the world I feel this way; why it is important at all, and if, perhaps, I ought to just deal with the fact that I live in a dream world of "ifs" and "whens". But I have come to realize that this doubt is sometimes more like denial - and it's a shield that numbs all that's beneath it. It's a voice in my head telling me that nothing I care about, nothing that is important to me, is worth it at all. In reality, I want to feel... recognition for who I am and how I've always seen myself. I want the person in my head that is less a fantasy, and more the truth hidden beneath a supposedly inescapable one, to be seen. As I grew older, I came to the realization that this alias was my alias, and when I saw the incongruity between my identity and my body (or outward, social identity), I was depressed and repulsed. It was when this incongruity began that I realized I was not who I felt I was, and I fell steadily into depression.
So, I want to feel that my identity is surface. That it is tangible. I want to be in relationships (friendships, as well) that lack my insecurity and resentment. I just want to feel right when I am with someone. And for a long time, I have wondered what was amiss. It is me.
And I want my own autonomy, if that makes sense. I feel I have no power over my body, maybe because I don't feel it's mine...
I've rambled on and on but this was a good question.
