Hi again Korlee.
To first deal with your apologies etc...
QuoteSteffi: I am sorry that my post was somewhat vague. I often end up being that way especially in an opening post because I am often not sure how to address something or express it and my formatting often stinks.
- No problem hun - you're at a difficult stage and I also understand that it's not easy to talk about stuff or to put your questions concisely, yet with enough context to generate an accurate/appropriate reply.
QuoteThanks for the post Steffi. I might be in the right place and I will try to learn but please bear with me abit. I honestly don't trust people very much if at all amongst other things. That is part of why my opening post had an apology.
You're in the right place luv. We're all doing our best to deal with the same underlying problem that you have and you can trust us to try and give you genuine advice and support.
- We don't always agree amongst ourselves about the best way to deal with *any* particular problem and occasionally get into heated debate about stuff, but that's just Life.
QuoteI answered the questions and I hope they help. I hope people are not too judgemental. I know that is not likely considering where I am posting but I am quite used to being disappointed on that level. I know my age doesn't fit for where I still live and a few other things. But life has been interesting outside just this one issue and I have a few scars from it physically and mentally. I am not where I wanted to be at all in many ways at this moment including where I live. I ask highly not be called on age and where I live. Please. o.<
Yes, the answers help, as you can see already from K8's replies.
I have some more questions too :p
I'm not just nosy hun; the better the picture we have of how your day to day life is and your personality, attitudes etc the better we can make replies that are suited to you personally.
- If it helps, here's a brief couple of things about me and my past circumstances.
I lived with my Mum and Dad until I was 23 and probably wouldn't have moved out any time soon if I hadn't met an older woman who had a family sized flat: I later married her ..... and also told her about my dressing - I had never told ANYONE about my secret, I was far too ashamed. I always knew that I wanted to be a girl, but there was very little information at all when I was very young and by the time I'd reached age 15 (1979), I was almost 6 foot, masculinisation of my face was well under way and I "knew" then that any idea I'd cherished in the very back of my mind that I might one day transition seemed to no longer be at all possible.
Although not outwardly effeminate, - I learned to hide that away pretty damned quick! - I was extremely sensitive, totally lacked confidence and to be honest, I simply was not a strong enough person and secure in myself to have actually handled transition ...... my regret now is that I was probably ready for it at age 40 but by then had lost contact with trans issues and did not realise how much more help there was and how much the attitudes of the public had moved on. (still a LOT of room for improvement in that, unfortunately)
I'm 55 years old now, transitioned two years ago, 11 months on hormones, was married until transition. I take a size 16 dress ( - sometimes 18.
)
- so don't feel bad about your age, where you are living, your lack of confidence/expertise or anything else 'cos We're all dealing with the same underlying issues and very many of us are trapped in a less than ideal situation by one circumstance or another.
As Kate says "We each do this at our own pace depending on our individual circumstances."
wow - that's about a screenful already and we haven't even got to the meat of it yet!
so.... Advice #1 STOP APOLOGISING !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I missed this from your first post:-
QuoteI'm asking for advice online because to be honest? I'm not good with people in real life and the few groups I observed in my area tend to overcompensate to be honest most I meet do and that bothers me. Even if someone is different shouldn't they be themselves even if they might be abit tomboyish? Or is one trading one mask for another? O.o
Kate very rightly suggested you should find a local transgender group - but you are saying that you have been to one and thought that they were all overdone and caricatures?
I sort of agree with you - I am a member of a local group but very rarely actually go for certain reasons of my attitude that I won't post here online. Nonetheless I DO value them, they do help and it is good to know that there is SOMEWHERE I can go if I feel lonely or the struggle is making me weary.
Well..... yes you should be true to yourself but the tomboyish thing is a bit difficult because unless you present naturally as feminine or very androgenous, if you walk round in trainers and T-shirt and jeans, people will be a lot more prone to perceive you as male - even if you're wearing eyeshadow or something, then they'll just think that you're some sort of drag/queer :/
Personally, I wear a skirt/dress and heels 99% of the time because it's directly and unambiguously female to do so and at my height and size, I need all the help I can get to prompt people to treat me as female. Plus I'm a girly-girl anyway..... I LIKE skirts, floaty clothes, nice fabrics, heels, hosiery. I'm older though and I grew up in an age when "feminine elegance" was kind of at its peak, so maybe that got imprinted onto me as some sort of feminine ideal.
- as I said in another post, all the pretty young girls who live near me slob around in jeans and trainers- but then they're very clearly GIRLS ..... they don't need to prompt people to see them as female.
My own personal advice would be a quote from
Transexual.org who say
"There are major differences in body language between men and women. From time to time it will appear to converge because some men have innate feminine traits and some women have innate masculine traits.
In General though, transsexuals need to have a slight stereotype in order to be unmistakenly taken as a member of the opposite birth sex ......." ..... a hundred people will probably post back now and argue about that! (Again!)
The three pairs of trousers that I do have are all distinctly feminine - black jeans, but the seams are in a weird place, the cut is feminine and they have very girly swirls of sequins on the outsides of the bell-bottoms. The pair of "pedal pushes" are by nature girly and are in any case pink! The white jeans have a very female cut/style and little bits of coloured embroidery here and there, like on each rear pocket.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
moving to your second post:-
hiding male bits and
Tucking.
Firstly, hiding your male bits is gonna be really difficult if not impossible if you want to wear thongs and flimsy, lacy panties. You need to buy panties that are strong enough to be able to restrain everything and some have a wider, fuller under-crotch area than others. Balancing your balls on a half inch strip of fabric isn't ever going to work so IMO really you need to buy your knickers by practicality above appearance.
That said, you can still get nice feminine styles..... I buy mine on the local market and they're a wide front panel of silky but quite firm fabric with the front of the upper part of each leg in lace. They also have a good wide crotch that - to be blunt - can hold the ball-sack reliably and not let one slip under the elastic and get trapped - Ouch!
Personally, I rarely do the full tuck, just when it's really needed. Actually I don't often tuck at all in any way ..... I have slim hips (but wide shoulders) so I do wear over my panties an elasticky panty-thing with small pads on hips and ass. I hate it, but it does make my clothes hang better and improve my overall presentation though I am slowly getting some bum-fat of my own now. My nuts have shrunk to the size of large grapes and my penis was only ever average so usually I can just "dress to the left" and arrange things to present the minimum outline with as rounded a profile as possible. That is my best option for comfort and has proved perfectly adequate under most skirts, especially as I prefer something floaty and quite full to fill me out in the hip/bum region. OK for tighter skirts too....but need care to not lean against a table-edge etc and push out a clear profile!
Option two is to tuck everything between your legs and underneath, round towards your anus.
You'll need to arrange everything carefully to ensure that if you cross your legs etc you don't crush your nuts - presume that's what you meant by painful. Basically, I can make that option work quite well - again, the right panties are essential.
(There are also things called Gaffs which are specifically designed to pull your bits under and out of the way, but I've never had one. -search Google for " Gaffs+crossdresser ")
To Tuck fully, you first need to understand where your balls are going to go.
Put one finger of each hand on either side of your male bits, into the place where the top of each inner thigh meets the pubic bone - if you press in, you can feel the bone.
Now slide your fingers about an inch and a half vertically up your abdomen towards your waist and stop - THAT's where your nuts are going to finish up. That's where they originally came from before they "dropped" and there will in fact be a small hollow there on each side.
Don't worry if you can't feel the hollow with your fingers - your balls will find it ok.
So.... squeeze one of your nuts upwards OVER the pubic bone and once over the bone you will see the bulge disappear as it drops into the hollow - as best it can anyway, the hollow isn't large enough for it to totally disappear.
Now you have to keep that one in place whilst you lift the other one up into it's corresponding place on the other side.
You also need to push your willie down between your legs, then hold everything in place with one hand so that you can pull your firm elasticky panties up with the other.
It's tricky, you could use an extra hand, but it can be done and gets easier the more you do it. You should now see a nice rounded crotch that is quite similar to a female mound.
If you shave away the pubic hair in the appropriate places, you can tape each ascended ball into place with half-inch elasticated plaster strip (Band-Aid) You need about a six-inch length, stick on your abdomen and take down over your pubic bone towards your anus.
Don't take the tape down much further than necessary or else you might struggle if you need a poo and you also might stick the tape to your ass-hair ... Ouch later!
( - Never shave round your ->-bleeped-<- with a razor, trust me! It's great for a few hours then hell for a week. It's not TOO bad if you just do it lightly with one of those little "Nose-and-ear-hair" trimmer thingies though.)
Some people also tape their willie into place too. Obviously don't tape it onto your ->-bleeped-<-!
..... if you do tape everything though, you can pull your knickers down and sit down to pee without *touching anything* which is rewardingly girly.
Tucking fully is undoubtedly best when wearing stuff like tight jeans though - anything else is either obviously male bulgy or too damned painful!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ClothesBuying clothes is a nightmare and a frustration when you're not Out
I remember it well.
If you're too shy/embarrassed to just go and ask to try stuff on, then this tip might help - Shop at places which let you take 3 or 4 items at a time into the changing cubicle. Pick up a couple of male things and sandwich the dress/whatever between them, then walk up to the counter, just say "Three items" and wave the bundle at them as you go in. You'll have loads of time since you won't be trying the male stuff on anyway! (I live in the UK, don't know how it works in the US)
Sizing ..... you can't rely on sizes being constant, it depends on the cut/style of the garment plus the fact that different manufacturers vary - e.g. over here, Marks and Spencer are well known to be generous in their sizing. Bear in mind that the more "shaped" any garment is, the more difficult it is to get a decent fit because it will be shaped to a female physique. Besides the narrower shoulders and bigger ass, girls' waists are about and inch and a half higher than guys waists too so dresses with belts will never have the belt actually AT your waist. That doesn't mean anything as long as the rest of it fits where it should.
If your shoulders are wide, avoid small armholes, up around the armpit - you'll have more muscle than a natal female and it's likely to pinch and rub.
Kate is about right - you should be around a 14 dress, though you may be able to go down a size to 12 or may have to even go up a size to 16 on some styles -
slightly baggy will attract a lot less attention that too tight, especially if you have a pronounced male build.
Skirts ... with a male waist, you'll want a 12 or 14. Personally, I prefer a waistband to be firm - I like to feel it there and be confident that it isn't going to work it's way down.
It's important to keep your apparent waistline in the place where a female waist should be because wrong proportions stick out like a sore thumb. I mentioned my padded pantie thing.....
THIS is it - it also helps in keeping the waist of things at the right height, utterly hideous though it is. Grrrr....
For buying bras....
Measure round the chest right up underneath any bust development you have - that is your bra band size - it may be a bit tighter than some formulas recommend, but it's better tight than loose - the last thing you ever want is a falsie slipping past the underwire and plopping onto the floor.
Cup size...... on your frame a B-cup would be nice, a reasonable size.
There is a formula for working bra size out properly, but what's the point when you're using falsies? - buy a bra band size that fits and decide how big you WANT to be
Bear in mind though that if you go too over the top getting clothes to fit becomes more of a problem.
...... .wow.... it's REALLY late here.......and this is a HUGE post..... I'll write and respond to some more stuff tomorrow - unless I get flamed off the page by a horde of people who disagree with everything I've said, but there again, at least you'll then have some more responses and ideas
Ciao
Post Merge: August 21, 2009, 12:56:02 AM
On the topic of you coming out and living in-role:- I'll leave it to others to advise you on work related issues because 1) I'm not in paid work and never have been in the female role and 2) I'm in the U.K. and rules here aren't identical to rules where you are.
Making the transition is difficult if you're both somewhat nervous or sensitive to being laughed at and also quite tall and also quite inexperienced at makeup, full dressing and female mannerisms etc
If - as I assume - you're not bold enough to just walk out into the street one day with an attitude of "Screw what you think - here I am" and thereafter pick it up as you go along then you are going to need to practise and get advice first.
** Tell me about the friends you do have and about what you do, what your general social life is? You said that the fiends you previously told all cleared off immediately so I assume that none of your current social circle know?
** I am assuming that you haven't ever actually been out in public then?
** What do you mean when you say "I don't think that I could get away with it yet? - are you saying that you don't think that you could Pass undetected? Your height isn't an insurmountable problem at all, but it is a fact that taller girls get noticed more and with little practice in-role I think it's inevitable that at first you will get read by a high percentage of people.
** Can you handle that mentally? Shrug it off and just carry on if some a55hole shouts "->-bleeped-<-!!!" at you in the street and then everyone else is alerted and stares?
You do need to get some practise time in-role and that sounds difficult in your situation.
So your Mum apparently tried to "drive it out of you" by argument and pressing you to engage in more masculine activity and at present is either in denial or believes that she has succeeded in "curing you".
QuoteWhat I meant by approaching family was I'm not sure really how to talk to them anymore. When she I try to reproach my mother if I ever do? My sister is okay with it but uncomfortable with me trying mannerisms or anything around her. How do I handle these things if it is possible?
** I don't quite understand what you are currently planning to do about that, given that you have begun transition with hormones and that before too long your boobs and the feminisation of your face will Out you? - as it will at work.
** I don't quite understand the situation with your sister - when you say that "she's o.k. with it" do you mean ok with the abstract knowledge that you wear women's stuff or that she is ok to be with you - presumably in your room at home? Does she KNOW that you are ultimately intending to change gender as opposed to thinking that you're just indulging in transvestism? Does she know that you're on hormones?
Unless you believe that Mum will just throw you out, you need to be Out at home as soon as possible so that you can practise and become more capable and more confident in-role.
I really think that your number one priority - given that you live at home - is to sort out the situation with your Mum and Sis.
** You say that you have a Dr helping you and prescribing hormones - does that mean that you have been formally diagnosed as transexual? If so, then that is surely a powerful argument, to be able to say "Look Mum, I still feel exactly the same as I did when I told the previous therapist that I wanted to be a girl and I've now been to see experts in the field and they have officially concluded that I AM transsexual and will be increasingly depressed until I transition and live in the female role."
When I transitioned and told my Mum that it was to be permanent and that I would seek surgery to complete the change forever she still hoped that it was a whim, that it would pass off, but when I came back from London's Gender clinic with a formal diagnosis she HAD to take it seriously and begin the process of acceptance.
The reaction of parents varies widely - some freak out and just disown their child. Some relent, after they've had a while to adjust and accept, some never do.
Given that your Mum has at least heard the issue raised before at least it is not the same as the shock that some parents have had when for example their married son who is in the marines and has never given a hint of his hidden secret suddenly announces his intention to transition. THAT must be a hell of a jolt, coming out of the blue!
You have already set transition in motion by starting hormones - what I don't understand yet is what your Plan is beyond that?
The overall problem of transitioning breaks down into a series of steps and a strategy for dealing with them. What was yours, when you decided to transition and began hormones?
You do NEED an overall plan ...... at present you seem to me to be sitting on a ticking bomb.
Once broken down, you tackle each step individually.
A sample plan might go something like:-
1) Establish a Base to operate from - somewhere that you can live in role all the time in private. That is either at home where you are - therefore you need to sort things out with Mum and Sis - or else you move out and get your own place. You can then properly develop your presentation as female and assemble a suitable wardrobe, bearing in mind that you will need EVERYTHING - that's not the same thing as an occasional crossdresser who keeps a dress and a pair of stockings under his bed - you require everything a girl needs for continuous living - Jewellery/accessories/handbag/shoes/makeup that suit your different outfits, sufficient underwear for
continuous use etc etc
- despite you not thinking much of them, a local trans-group can be invaluable both for advice on your presentation and how to develop skills like makeup, contacts for trans-friendly shops and services like hairdresser etc etc
2) Start going out - again, unless you have sympathetic friends - particularly girls - who will support you and accompany you, a local trans group is the place to go. You may not think much of their appearance and you may only get to go out to gay bars and the like, but at least you ARE then outside and have some company and protection.
A single a55hole can be a big problem when you're alone, but even a bunch of three aren't a problem if you're part of a group of a dozen trans people - there is safety in numbers even if they all look like ridiculous drag queens.
3) At some point, you will inevitably have to come out to your friends. If you are lucky you can get a couple of the female friends on-side and get them to help you, advise you, teach you.
3) Once you're a bit more polished in your presentation and have gathered a decent wardrobe that suits you, you can then think about coming out at work - thereby completeing your switch into full-time living in the role - and thus begin your Real Life Experience, which is an absolute requirement for surgery. ( You have not said so, but I assume that you are aiming for eventual sex-change-surgery? )
You NEED some sort of plan, broken down into stages - THEN we can hopefully help you to deal with each stage, but at present I don't get from your posts the idea that you do really have one?
