I will start off my post by apologizing in advance to any I may offend.  I tend to be quite gruff with observations or sometimes unfair.  Also it might be lengthy as I am unsure where to start to be honest.

I'm asking for advice online because to be honest?  I'm not good with people in real life and the few groups I observed in my area tend to overcompensate to be honest most I meet do and that bothers me.  Even if someone is different shouldn't they be themselves even if they might be abit tomboyish?  Or is one trading one mask for another? O.o

Anyways... I've known for quite some time but never acted because I valued what little I had with family or friends.  I knew they'd react poorly except for maybe my sister.  This was proven to me when I was 16 and a therapist convinced me to speak with my mother in a session.  She more or less laughed at me and in the car on the way home told me had I been gay I'd have been on the street that night.  This?  We can -work- this out.  Next few years of trying things combined with getting caught and consequences.  My sister accepted me which was nifty but she had her own issues so no support was there to be had.  This was kept in the family and the few friends I tried dumped me like rocks.  Not worth having I suppose...  Typical life on that part of humanity being what it often is.

Well to continue finally a few months ago I did what many tried and finally wrestled my fear back into the closet.  Once there I researched many guides and then started things on my own.  I reacted poorly and this ended up being very positive.  I met a doctor out here in Maryland that ended up helping me.  Three months in on HRT and its a load off my back in many ways but at the same time has created many other loads as I am still hiding albeit not very well.

I am not sure really what I am doing wrong and or right. There are so many guides but many either seem very dated or the information is vague. Some I understand as breast growth varies but others such as clothing operate more on rumor then fact I see.  Such as saying take X off here will get you Y as a rule of thumb or rather a by ear rumor. Other guides say measure here and that will give you the size but say nothing about if the two measurements to put together are well?  Nothing like the chart or one is but the other is to far off the other to even fit in that. Text also is a problem for me... another embarrassing one.  I've always learned by hands on or diagrams with more then one line. None of this works that way stuff like tucking?  It just doesn't.  Its like fighting a brick wall all the time.

I am not sure what I should be doing anymore.  Should I be wearing more clothing now? How should I approach my family these days?  We stuck together because of all the moves and the lousy economy it helps everyone to afford to live out here. I know I am abit old by most on that standard but I do what I must or rather what helps my family as well. How should I react in the work place?  I surprised my doctor with breast growth in less then a month made me quite happy but that also accelerates others knowing.  I'm not sure about where to go anymore now that I put my fear away.

At this current moment I am not seeing a therapist either.  However to keep that short I don't trust them.  My run in with them has always been bad from the self serving of money to terrible advice.  I really don't want to rush to see another who can't believe you just tap your damn foot to tap it.  You don't have some restless leg crap you just feel like it like when someone just feels like listening to music.

I know its something that has probably been said by others a thousand times before me. I'm probably just posting because I will likely never see or meet any of you.  However there it is with likely exceptions or what I thought would fit.

I guess I'm looking for someone for advice that is honest.  They didn't trade one mark for another.  And are there any good source of guides in one place? That is not a link to a link to yet another link? I well... I have memory issues abit and it problematic keeping track of so many bookmarks and why I bookmarked in the first place.

Well...... I see 27 reads for this post and no-one has bothered to post back, so I'll give it a shot.

I/we will GLADLY help you as much as I/we can  ..... to be honest, your post is a bit hard to follow in a lot of places - it's not a criticism per se, I'm just saying that it's not very clear what your exact circumstances are or WHAT specific help/advice you need.

So first let's see if I've got this right:-
You're a male-to-female transsexual.  You've known this for a long time and at 16 told a Therapist who told you to tell your Mum.
Mum didn't react well.  Over the next few years you tried out various aspects of dressing and presenting as a female in secret - sometimes you got caught by Mum and there were "consequences" ...... what does that mean, arguments?
The family kept the whole issue secret, but you tried to tell a few of your friends with the result that they all dropped you and disappeared.
In recent months, you plucked up the courage to try and *do something* about your gender problems, read some stuff online but didn't find it very helpful and much was presented in a way that you found hard to follow.
You found a doctor who is willing to help and he has started you on HRT.
Breast development is progressing, but you aren't "Out" at work and are concerned that soon the feminisation of your body will be obvious and will Out you.
You are having trouble buying clothes in the right sizes (especially bras???) and understanding how to best tuck your male bits away.

That's the outline that I get from your post - is that more or less a correct summary? 
------------------------------------------------------------
There are questions you've asked that I find hard to put in context and therefore answer in any worthwhile way.   
e.g. * Should I be wearing more clothing now?
Now what??? .... .now that winter is coming?  Now that your breasts are growing?  Now that you've (apparently) decided to actively pursue gender change?
* How should I approach my family these days? 
What does "approach mean here? .... Walk up to them in a frock?  Talk to them about your problems? ..what?
*  How should I react in the work place?
- is impossible to answer....... react TO WHAT?  Rejection?  Ridicule? Discrimination?

Could you please tell us a bit more about yourself and your circumstances so that there is a frame of reference -

1)How old are you?
2)How much time do you spend dressed/presenting as female? 
3)Is that only "semi-secretly" in the privacy of your own room or are you free to wander the house and live as a female at home in front of your Mum and Sis?
4)  How well can you present as female? (Can you do a reasonable make-up? Can you imitate female body language and mannerisms? Can you present a reasonable overall impression of a female? )
5) Are you wanting to come out and live completely in the female gender role soon? and
Do you also want advice on how to come out at work?

For the clothing-size related questions:-
How tall are you?
What is your approximate weight?
What is your chest measurement?  (meaning as male, bare-chested at nipple level)

I'll just repeat my reassurance that you ARE in the right place - I and other people here will gladly help you - I would guess that the only reason no-one else has posted back so far is because exactly what you want isn't very clear yet.   

Welcome to Susan's, Korlee.  There are a lot of people here who are willing to help you.  Like Steffi, I don't really understand what it us you want help with.  Steffi's questions are good and your answers will help us help you.

In general, if your birth sex and gender identity don't match, transitioning to align them takes many steps and a lot of work.  We will be glad to do what we can to help you along your journey; we just need to have a clearer idea of what kind of help you are seeking.

As many of on this forum have learned, things can get better.

- Kate

Hi Korlee,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Blessed Be.
Janet

Steffi:  I am sorry that my post was somewhat vague.  I often end up being that way especially in an opening post because I am often not sure how to address something or express it and my formatting often stinks.

The consequences I spoke of with my mom ranged from loss of privileges, being berated or siblings being berated, put into more things such as sports to work it out, and stuff along that line.  My mother was never physical but she was and still is quite good at poking ones emotions in a great many ways all the while knowing she was doing it to reach a goal.  However at this time she believes she has squashed the issue that or is denial.  I'm not sure anymore.

Yes, most of the online guides I read tend to be old, vague, or contain more rumor then straight up facts.  Also yes, I find many of them very hard to follow and it really stinks that most reference so many things.  That makes it even harder for to follow when jumping from site to site to site.

Yes, I do worry about the workplace.  Especially since not to long ago I switched departments and left on bad terms with the previous.  There was a few... to be polite nasty people there and one of them is a large rumor monger.  I have no doubt when or if she finds out that whole building will know.  Even those departments I never see but at maybe a glance at the cafeteria.

Yes, I do have issues with trying to hide the male bits and most of it ending up being more painful then successful.

Um.. the clothing.  Ya, it was vague. >.<  Um.. well I kinda wanted to know what is appropriate?  What should my goal be?  I know some have said online I am not taking it seriously.  Because I wear less at this moment but... I'm kinda a edge in person to help me adjust also trying to keep it under wraps as well.  So should I wear more feminine clothing?  Is it appropriate for me to? or what is it that I should be setting for myself? O.o

What I meant by approaching family was I'm not sure really how to talk to them anymore.  When she I try to reproach my mother if I ever do?  My sister is okay with it but uncomfortable with me trying mannerisms or anything around her.  How do I handle these things if it is possible?

More about myself?

1: I'm 25 years old. 

2: Really ranges but as of late nothing can that be noted I guess. Nearly all of it has been in secret. I've never been as brave as most of you and went full dress.  At least not now that I've gotten older. I was more brave when I was younger then I am now.  To be honest I greatly fear making mistakes and being embarrassed.  Yes, I know its stupid but it is me? =/  I've always had to fight for anything I ever wanted to do.  This has ended up in a very self conscience me. Yes, I do value others opinions alot more then I should. >.<

3: (Just repeated above.  >.o) Nearly all of it has been in secret. I've never been as brave as most of you and went full dress.

4: I would not call anything I can do reasonable to be honest. I am not very good at passing that I know of.  Anything I have learned has been from reading or watching someone else.  Which never translates very well for me. Also since I'm not very brave I do not practice as often as one should.

5:  I'd like to but right now I'm trying to stash some money and bills keep coming about. I'm pretty sure I could not get away with it at this point.  I'd like to maybe try but my knowledge that I can remember from reading is quite limited. Also yes, advice on work would be great as it will eventually happen regardless of me trying to plan it.

Clothing stuff?

Height: I am five feet tall and eleven inches.  5'11
Weight:  I range between 145 pounds and 150 pounds.  I have never weighed anymore or less although it does change from week to week.
Chest measurement: I haven't been measuring just watching.  Because well I find being overexcited about something just makes it happens slower or disappointing.  I measured tonight though to answer you though.  Just to note how serious I am taking this post.  34inches around if I did it right.

Thanks for the post Steffi.  I might be in the right place and I will try to learn but please bare with me abit.  I honestly don't trust people very much if at all amongst other things. That is part of why my opening post had an apology.

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Post Merge: August 19, 2009, 04:36:42 AM

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Quote from: K8 on August 18, 2009, 08:37:16 PM
Welcome to Susan's, Korlee.  There are a lot of people here who are willing to help you.  Like Steffi, I don't really understand what it us you want help with.  Steffi's questions are good and your answers will help us help you.

In general, if your birth sex and gender identity don't match, transitioning to align them takes many steps and a lot of work.  We will be glad to do what we can to help you along your journey; we just need to have a clearer idea of what kind of help you are seeking.

As many of on this forum have learned, things can get better.

- Kate

I answered the questions and I hope they help.  I hope people are not to judgemental.  I know that is not likely considering where I am posting but I am quite used to being disappointed on that level. I know my age doesn't fit for where I still live and a few other things.  But life has been interesting outside just this one issue and I have a few scars from it physically and mentally. I am not where I wanted to be at all in many ways at this moment including where I live. I ask highly not be called on age and where I live. Please. o.<

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Post Merge: August 19, 2009, 05:39:29 AM

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Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 18, 2009, 09:02:47 PM
Hi Korlee,

Welcome to our little family. Over 2900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks
  

Blessed Be.
Janet

Thank You for the greeting and I wil try to apply by all your rules and be polite. 

I doubt I will post to much.  Took alot for me just to ask for public advice.  I'm really quite a shy person in real life amongst other things.

Hi again, Korlee.  I am about the same size as you, although a little broader in the chest (too many years of testosterone-poisoning ).  I generally wear a 10 bottom and either 12 or 14 top.  If you have fairly narrow shoulders you probably can get by with a 10 or 12 top.  The sizes aren't standard, which makes it harder.  But medium should work for you.  Goodwill and Salvation Army are good places to try things out.  You may get a few funny looks, but I really believe that enough males go in those places to try on women's clothes that one more won't be unusual.

Don't worry about your age.  I'm more than 3 times your age and am finally working through all this.  You will get pressure from your GID to do things, but you have lots of time.  There is no timetable.  Don't feel like if you don't complete a transition by your 30th birthday you will be a failure.  We each do this at our own pace depending on our individual circumstances.

Believe me, I know very well how it feels to want to go about in women's clothes but being afraid of being made fun of or - worse - being attacked.  I have seen obvious males wear women's clothes in public places - often outlandish outfits that no GG would wear.  I'm not sure how they do it.  I never could.  I wanted to be accepted as a woman when dressed as one.  Wearing age-appropriate clothes helps.  Wearing clothes that are very much like what other women around you are wearing also helps.  You want to blend in, not be the one everyone can't stop staring at and pointing to.

Can you separate your work life from the rest of your life?  Most of us have done that.  We go to work in drab, pretending to be just another man, and then work on our gender issues away from work.  I used to wear women's underpants and sometimes a camisole under my male clothes, and that usually kept my GID tamped down so that I could do my work as a man.

It would very much help you to have someone to talk to.  A good counselor would help you a lot.  Sometimes you have to try a few before you find a good fit.  Some counselors/therapists will work on a sliding pay scale charging only what you can afford to pay.

Are there any support groups in your area?  Sometimes they can be a big help.  There are TG support groups around, and one of them could be helpful.  I don't know if you are attracted to men, but even a gay/lesbian support group may be helpful even if you aren't gay. 

I've already made this too long.  GID is a BIG problem.  Like most BIG problems, it helps to break it down into smaller problems that you can work on a little at a time.  Let us know how you are doing, Korlee.

*hugs*
Kate

Hi again Korlee.
To first deal with your apologies etc...

QuoteSteffi:  I am sorry that my post was somewhat vague.  I often end up being that way especially in an opening post because I am often not sure how to address something or express it and my formatting often stinks.

- No problem hun - you're at a difficult stage and I also understand that it's not easy to talk about stuff or to put your questions concisely, yet with enough context to generate an accurate/appropriate reply.

QuoteThanks for the post Steffi.  I might be in the right place and I will try to learn but please bear with me abit.  I honestly don't trust people very much if at all amongst other things. That is part of why my opening post had an apology.

You're in the right place luv.  We're all doing our best to deal with the same underlying problem that you have and you can trust us to try and give you genuine advice and support.
- We don't always agree amongst ourselves about the best way to deal with *any* particular problem and occasionally get into heated debate about stuff, but that's just Life.

QuoteI answered the questions and I hope they help.  I hope people are not too judgemental.  I know that is not likely considering where I am posting but I am quite used to being disappointed on that level. I know my age doesn't fit for where I still live and a few other things.  But life has been interesting outside just this one issue and I have a few scars from it physically and mentally. I am not where I wanted to be at all in many ways at this moment including where I live. I ask highly not be called on age and where I live. Please. o.<

Yes, the answers help, as you can see already from K8's replies.
I have some more questions too :p    I'm not just nosy hun; the better the picture we have of how your day to day life is and your personality, attitudes etc the better we can make replies that are suited to you personally.
- If it helps, here's a brief couple of things about me and my past circumstances.
I lived with my Mum and Dad until I was 23 and probably wouldn't have moved out any time soon if I hadn't met an older woman who had a family sized flat: I later married her ..... and also told her about my dressing - I had never told ANYONE about my secret, I was far too ashamed. I always knew that I wanted to be a girl, but there was very little information at all when I was very young and by the time I'd reached age 15 (1979), I was almost 6 foot, masculinisation of my face was well under way and I "knew" then that any idea I'd cherished in the very back of my mind that I might one day transition seemed to no longer be at all possible.
Although not outwardly effeminate,  - I learned to hide that away pretty damned quick! - I was extremely sensitive, totally lacked confidence and to be honest, I simply was not a strong enough person and secure in myself to have actually handled transition ...... my regret now is that I was probably ready for it at age 40 but by then had lost contact with trans issues and did not realise how much more help there was and how much the attitudes of the public had moved on. (still a LOT of room for improvement in that, unfortunately)
I'm 55 years old now, transitioned two years ago, 11 months on hormones, was married until transition. I take a size 16 dress ( - sometimes 18. )

- so don't feel bad about your age, where you are living, your lack of confidence/expertise or anything else 'cos We're all dealing with the same underlying issues and very many of us are trapped in a less than ideal situation by one circumstance or another.
As Kate says "We each do this at our own pace depending on our individual circumstances."

wow - that's about a screenful already and we haven't even got to the meat of it yet!
so.... Advice #1   STOP APOLOGISING ! 
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I missed this from your first post:-

QuoteI'm asking for advice online because to be honest?  I'm not good with people in real life and the few groups I observed in my area tend to overcompensate to be honest most I meet do and that bothers me.  Even if someone is different shouldn't they be themselves even if they might be abit tomboyish?  Or is one trading one mask for another? O.o

Kate very rightly suggested you should find a local transgender group - but you are saying that you have been to one and thought that they were all overdone and caricatures?
I sort of agree with you - I am a member of a local group but very rarely actually go for certain reasons of my attitude that I won't post here online.  Nonetheless I DO value them, they do help and it is good to know that there is SOMEWHERE I can go if I feel lonely or the struggle is making me weary.
Well..... yes you should be true to yourself but the tomboyish thing is a bit difficult because unless you present naturally as feminine or very androgenous, if you walk round in trainers and T-shirt and jeans, people will be a lot more prone to perceive you as male - even if you're wearing eyeshadow or something, then they'll just think that you're some sort of drag/queer  :/
Personally, I wear a skirt/dress and heels 99% of the time because it's directly and unambiguously female to do so and at my height and size, I need all the help I can get to prompt people to treat me as female. Plus I'm a girly-girl anyway..... I LIKE skirts, floaty clothes, nice fabrics, heels, hosiery.   I'm older though and I grew up in an age when "feminine elegance" was kind of at its peak, so maybe that got imprinted onto me as some sort of feminine ideal.
- as I said in another post, all the pretty young girls who live near me slob around in jeans and trainers- but then they're very clearly GIRLS ..... they don't need to prompt people to see them as female.
My own personal advice would be a quote from Transexual.org who say
"There are major differences in body language between men and women. From time to time it will appear to converge because some men have innate feminine traits and some women have innate masculine traits. In General though, transsexuals need to have a slight stereotype in order to be unmistakenly taken as a member of the opposite birth sex ......."
..... a hundred people will probably post back now and argue about that! (Again!)
The three pairs of trousers that I do have are all distinctly feminine - black jeans, but the seams are in a weird place, the cut is feminine and they have very girly swirls of sequins on the outsides of the bell-bottoms.  The pair of "pedal pushes" are by nature girly and are in any case pink!  The white jeans have a very female cut/style and little bits of coloured embroidery here and there, like on each rear pocket.
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moving to your second post:-
hiding male bits and Tucking.
Firstly, hiding your male bits is gonna be really difficult if not impossible if you want to wear thongs and flimsy, lacy panties.  You need to buy panties that are strong enough to be able to restrain everything and some have a wider, fuller under-crotch area than others. Balancing your balls on a half inch strip of fabric isn't ever going to work so IMO really you need to buy your knickers by practicality above appearance.

That said, you can still get nice feminine styles..... I buy mine on the local market and they're a wide front panel of silky but quite firm fabric with the front of the upper part of each leg in lace. They also have a good wide crotch that - to be blunt - can hold the ball-sack reliably and not let one slip under the elastic and get trapped - Ouch!
Personally, I rarely do the full tuck, just when it's really needed. Actually I don't often tuck at all in any way ..... I have slim hips (but wide shoulders) so I do wear over my panties an elasticky panty-thing with small pads on hips and ass. I hate it, but it does make my clothes hang better and improve my overall presentation though I am slowly getting some bum-fat of my own now.  My nuts have shrunk to the size of large grapes and my penis was only ever average so usually I can just "dress to the left" and arrange things to present the minimum outline with as rounded a profile as possible.  That is my best option for comfort and has proved perfectly adequate under most skirts, especially as I prefer something floaty and quite full to fill me out in the hip/bum region.  OK for tighter skirts too....but need care to not lean against a table-edge etc and push out a clear profile!

Option two is to tuck everything between your legs and underneath, round towards your anus.
You'll need to arrange everything carefully to ensure that if you cross your legs etc you don't crush your nuts - presume that's what you meant by painful.  Basically, I can make that option work quite well - again, the right panties are essential.
(There are also things called Gaffs which are specifically designed to pull your bits under and out of the way, but I've never had one. -search Google for "  Gaffs+crossdresser  ")
To Tuck fully, you first need to understand where your balls are going to go.
Put one finger of each hand on either side of your male bits, into the place where the top of each inner thigh meets the pubic bone - if you press in, you can feel the bone.
Now slide your fingers about an inch and a half vertically up your abdomen towards your waist and stop - THAT's where your nuts are going to finish up.  That's where they originally came from before they "dropped" and there will in fact be a small hollow there on each side.
Don't worry if you can't feel the hollow with your fingers - your balls will find it ok.
So.... squeeze one of your nuts upwards OVER the pubic bone and once over the bone you will see the bulge disappear as it drops into the hollow - as best it can anyway, the hollow isn't large enough for it to totally disappear.
Now you have to keep that one in place whilst you lift the other one up into it's corresponding place on the other side.
You also need to push your willie down between your legs, then hold everything in place with one hand so that you can pull your firm elasticky panties up with the other.
It's tricky, you could use an extra hand, but it can be done and gets easier the more you do it.  You should now see a nice rounded crotch that is quite similar to a female mound.
If you shave away the pubic hair in the appropriate places, you can tape each ascended ball into place with half-inch elasticated plaster strip (Band-Aid)  You need about a six-inch length, stick on your abdomen and take down over your pubic bone towards your anus.
Don't take the tape down much further than necessary or else you might struggle if you need a poo and you also might stick the tape to your ass-hair ... Ouch later!
( - Never shave round your ->-bleeped-<- with a razor, trust me! It's great for a few hours then  hell for a week. It's not TOO bad if you just do it lightly with one of those little "Nose-and-ear-hair" trimmer thingies though.)
Some people also tape their willie into place too.  Obviously don't tape it onto your ->-bleeped-<-!  ..... if you do tape everything though, you can pull your knickers down and sit down to pee without *touching anything* which is rewardingly girly.
Tucking fully is undoubtedly best when wearing stuff like tight jeans though - anything else is either obviously male bulgy or too damned painful!
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Clothes
Buying clothes is a nightmare and a frustration when you're not Out    I remember it well.
If you're too shy/embarrassed to just go and ask to try stuff on, then this tip might help - Shop at places which let you take 3 or 4 items at a time into the changing cubicle. Pick up a couple of male things and sandwich the dress/whatever between them, then walk up to the counter, just say "Three items" and wave the bundle at them as you go in. You'll have loads of time since you won't be trying the male stuff on anyway!  (I live in the UK, don't know how it works in the US)
Sizing ..... you can't rely on sizes being constant, it depends on the cut/style of the garment plus the fact that different manufacturers vary - e.g. over here, Marks and Spencer are well known to be generous in their sizing. Bear in mind that the more "shaped" any garment is, the more difficult it is to get a decent fit because it will be shaped to a female physique.  Besides the narrower shoulders and bigger ass, girls' waists are about and inch and a half higher than guys waists too so dresses with belts will never have the belt actually AT your waist.  That doesn't mean anything as long as the rest of it fits where it should.
If your shoulders are wide, avoid small armholes, up around the armpit - you'll have more muscle than a natal female and it's likely to pinch and rub.
Kate is about right - you should be around a 14 dress, though you may be able to go down a size to 12 or may have to even go up a size to 16 on some styles - slightly baggy will attract a lot less attention that too tight, especially if you have a pronounced male build.
Skirts ... with a male waist, you'll want a 12 or 14.  Personally, I prefer a waistband to be firm - I like to feel it there and be confident that it isn't going to work it's way down.
It's important to keep your apparent waistline in the place where a female waist should be because wrong proportions stick out like a sore thumb.  I mentioned my padded pantie thing..... THIS is it - it also helps in keeping the waist of things at the right height, utterly hideous though it is.  Grrrr.... 
For buying bras....
Measure round the chest right up underneath any bust development you have - that is your bra band size - it may be a bit tighter than some formulas recommend, but it's better tight than loose - the last thing you ever want is a falsie slipping past the underwire and plopping onto the floor. 
Cup size...... on your frame a B-cup would be nice, a reasonable size.
There is a formula for working bra size out properly, but what's the point when you're using falsies? - buy a bra band size that fits and decide how big you WANT to be   
Bear in mind though that if you go too over the top getting clothes to fit becomes more of a problem.

...... .wow.... it's REALLY late here.......and this is a HUGE post..... I'll write and respond to some more stuff tomorrow - unless I get flamed off the page by a horde of people who disagree with everything I've said, but there again, at least you'll then have some more responses and ideas     Ciao

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Post Merge: August 21, 2009, 12:56:02 AM

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On the topic of you coming out and living in-role:-  I'll leave it to others to advise you on work related issues because 1) I'm not in paid work and never have been in the female role and 2) I'm in the U.K. and rules here aren't identical to rules where you are.

Making the transition is difficult if you're both somewhat nervous or sensitive to being laughed at and also quite tall and also quite inexperienced at makeup, full dressing and female mannerisms etc       If - as I assume - you're not bold enough to just walk out into the street one day with an attitude of "Screw what you think - here I am" and thereafter pick it up as you go along then you are going to need to practise and get advice first.
**  Tell me about the friends you do have and about what you do, what your general social life is?  You said that the fiends you previously told all cleared off immediately so I assume that none of your current social circle know?
** I am assuming that you haven't ever actually been out in public then?
** What do you mean when you say "I don't think that I could get away with it yet? - are you saying that you don't think that you could Pass undetected?  Your height isn't an insurmountable problem at all, but it is a fact that taller girls get noticed more and with little practice in-role I think it's inevitable that at first you will get read by a high percentage of people.
** Can you handle that mentally?  Shrug it off and just carry on if some a55hole shouts "->-bleeped-<-!!!" at you in the street and then everyone else is alerted and stares?
You do need to get some practise time in-role and that sounds difficult in your situation.
So your Mum apparently tried to "drive it out of you" by argument and pressing you to engage in more masculine activity and at present is either in denial or believes that she has succeeded in "curing you".

QuoteWhat I meant by approaching family was I'm not sure really how to talk to them anymore.  When she I try to reproach my mother if I ever do?  My sister is okay with it but uncomfortable with me trying mannerisms or anything around her.  How do I handle these things if it is possible?

** I don't quite understand what you are currently planning to do about that, given that you have begun transition with hormones and that before too long your boobs and the feminisation of your face will Out you? - as it will at work. 
** I don't quite understand the situation with your sister - when you say that "she's o.k. with it" do you mean ok with the abstract knowledge that you wear women's stuff or that she is ok to be with you - presumably in your room at home?  Does she KNOW that you are ultimately intending to change gender as opposed to thinking that you're just indulging in transvestism?  Does she know that you're on hormones?
Unless you believe that Mum will just throw you out, you need to be Out at home as soon as possible so that you can practise and become more capable and more confident in-role.
I really think that your number one priority - given that you live at home - is to sort out the situation with your Mum and Sis.
**  You say that you have a Dr helping you and prescribing hormones - does that mean that you have been formally diagnosed as transexual?  If so, then that is surely a powerful argument, to be able to say "Look Mum, I still feel exactly the same as I did when I told the previous therapist that I wanted to be a girl and I've now been to see experts in the field and they have officially concluded that I AM transsexual and will be increasingly depressed until I transition and live in the female role."
When I transitioned and told my Mum that it was to be permanent and that I would seek surgery to complete the change forever she still hoped that it was a whim, that it would pass off, but when I came back from London's Gender clinic with a formal diagnosis she HAD to take it seriously and begin the process of acceptance. 
The reaction of parents varies widely - some freak out and just disown their child.  Some relent, after they've had a while to adjust and accept, some never do.
Given that your Mum has at least heard the issue raised before at least it is not the same as the shock that some parents have had when for example their married son who is in the marines and has never given a hint of his hidden secret suddenly announces his intention to transition. THAT must be a hell of a jolt, coming out of the blue! 

You have already set transition in motion by starting hormones - what I don't understand yet is what your Plan is beyond that?
The overall problem of transitioning breaks down into a series of steps and a strategy for dealing with them. What was yours, when you decided to transition and began hormones? 
You do NEED an overall plan ...... at present you seem to me to be sitting on a ticking bomb.  
Once broken down, you tackle each step individually.
A sample plan might go something like:-
1) Establish a Base to operate from - somewhere that you can live in role all the time in private.  That is either at home where you are - therefore you need to sort things out with Mum and Sis - or else you move out and get your own place. You can then properly develop your presentation as female and assemble a suitable wardrobe, bearing in mind that you will need EVERYTHING - that's not the same thing as an occasional crossdresser who keeps a dress and a pair of stockings under his bed - you require everything a girl needs for continuous living - Jewellery/accessories/handbag/shoes/makeup that suit your different outfits, sufficient underwear for continuous use etc etc
- despite you not thinking much of them, a local trans-group can be invaluable both for advice on your presentation and how to develop skills like makeup, contacts for trans-friendly shops and services like hairdresser etc etc
2) Start going out  - again, unless you have sympathetic friends - particularly girls - who will support you and accompany you, a local trans group is the place to go.  You may not think much of their appearance and you may only get to go out to gay bars and the like, but at least you ARE then outside and have some company and protection.
A single a55hole can be a big problem when you're alone, but even a bunch of three aren't a problem if you're part of a group of a dozen trans people - there is safety in numbers even if they all look like ridiculous drag queens.
3)  At some point, you will inevitably have to come out to your friends.  If you are lucky you can get a couple of the female friends on-side and get them to help you, advise you, teach you.
3) Once you're a bit more polished in your presentation and have gathered a decent wardrobe that suits you, you can then think about coming out at work - thereby completeing your switch into full-time living in the role - and thus begin your Real Life Experience, which is an absolute requirement for surgery. ( You have not said so, but I assume that you are aiming for eventual sex-change-surgery? )

You NEED some sort of plan, broken down into stages - THEN we can hopefully help you to deal with each stage, but at present I don't get from your posts the idea that you do really have one? 

Hey again Steffi,

Advice 1 reply:  I will probably always keep doing that action.  I tend to offend sooner or later and in a quite blown up fashion.

Support group:  I do understand why it would be a good option to at least try to stomach one.  However I can't really talk to people face to face on issues such as this especially when I do not trust them.  I hate crowds, I massively dislike overcompensation, and often people disappoint me with trust issues.  I really do not want to put myself in a crowd that I will likely run into many of those issues in mass just for some minor support on feeling better.  If I did go to one?  I wouldn't do anything beyond saying my name as the requirement.  Support groups just drive me batty.

Tomboy thing:  I didn't mean it to that extreme extent.  I just meant more of not going to the extreme such as I hate pink.  I will likely never wear pink of any kind.  I love blues and purples though all over the place and bright orange colors.  I understand that I will need to learn much and act alot to pass.  However I am still highly against overcompensation. 

My tomboy issues would likely go with the fact that I believe in correcting wrongs.  I believe that part of what is wrong in the world is that nobody does anything to those doing wrong anymore.  We all often turn the other cheek.  So I often step in or I do not move like a tree even in a physical fight when I feel someone has done a great wrong.  I don't throw punches though.  I've just always been able to take them or turn someones strengths against them.  A rough life helped me get that knowledge as well as being a green belt as a child.  I also have an extreme temper to say the least.  I learned a long time ago how to use that rage to aid me and not let it cause me to black out.  When I'm angry I do not feel much physical pain but I do crash hardcore after its over and cry alot over the whole event.  My description is probably quite poor of it all but it is what it is.

I also know that will have to change as I lost default strength somewhat amongst other things.  Another brick wall I shall have to get through.

Tucking:  Thanks for the advice.  I shall have to try it as I get more time after our move.

Clothing:  I wish I knew how it worked here as well.  I was never very good at fashion and just wore whatever I had or what was comfortable.  Much of my clothes were gifts that I've had for a long time because I take great care of my clothes so they last a long time. 

Bras:  Thanks for the advice but I doubt I will deal with falsies for awhile or a little bit anyways.  I'm trying to not watch that kettle as to not be disappointed when I do not get what I wanted.  I can say that 99 things out of a 100 that I bothered to get even slightly excited about did not happen. 

Work:  Nervous would be an understatement as would be how embarrassed I get at doing things wrong and having others know about it.  I am not bold enough at all because of how bad my knowledge is even after trying to read in on so many topics for years.  I've only ever had the screw people attitude if I'm really angry and or irked.

Friends/Social Life:  At this moment I do not have any friends that I talk to in person.  Anyone I have ever told stopped talking to me so I stopped telling people ages ago.  Then anyone else I though was a friend we ended up only having work in common so when I was laid off when the economy went bad in my job before this?  They just no longer returned my calls.  I would have to say only a few friends online that I have known for years do I still talk with on any level.  One of which was a guy I've known for eight years and realized I had feelings for as of late and found out he had some for me.  However since he was recently deployed to Afghan after Iraq at this moment we can't talk online.  (That issue pisses me off since they are just using good people as cannon fodder. Rrrrrrrrr.... Alot not really a topic for this place. >.<) 

No.  I have not went out in public as is.  I have not even remotely has the bravery to do so.

I'm not sure I could pass at all to be honest.  My knowledge on many things combined with my embarrassment of getting much of it wrong.  Would keep me from even remotely staying stable with it after one bad encounter. 

Eh.. the mental thing is a big if at all terms.  Combine this issue with the rest of my life?  I'm not sure I wouldn't just go home or take an action that I would regret.

Yes, that sums up what my mom thinks more or less at this moment.  At least that is what I think she thinks.  I'm not quite sure anymore.

Family Approach:  I wish I knew what my real plan was as I do not have as much of one as I liked with the current way things have gone.

My sister knows everything and is okay with that fact that I hate my male body and hope to change it fully.  She said she was okay with it however she acts very nervous or that she does not want to be around me.  Should I try to just settle into mannerisms or a few other things.  Oddly enough she is into giving advice on how to shave my legs, avoid retaining water, etc.

I do believe my mother would toss me out.  She is more open then she once was and a very very big maybe it might had worked has she not remarried.  Her new husband is a strict catholic and you'd need god himself to come down to get him to accept gays.  Even then he'd probably argue with god.

Yes, I do have a doctor helping me and she is the first doctor I have ever trusted in a long long time.  I do not think even with the aid of others at this time could I get my mother to accept it in any form and help me or just allow me to be.  I do believe it would end poorly.

Ya, she did hear the issue before and was ready to boot me out of the house at 16 years old to be on my own.

Plan:  I've tried to have a plan but so many things keep tossing a wrench into it and I lose it.  So yes, at this point I am sitting on a time bomb and I can't see the timer.

Thanks for the advice on a plan and I will try but I doubt any of it will go well or how I'd remotely like.  You are right in that more or less I lack a plan.

-------------------

I'm sure some of what I said translated poorly into words or sounded worse then it is.  I'm an odd duck even without this issue.  However I will try to make this work even if it kills me. >.<

Hi Korlee
That was a very good reply, very focused and clarified everything.
Well ...... I understand now exactly how crap your situation actually is.

Regarding your temperament ...... well..... I'm somewhat bipolar and I've got an extreme anger .... but I don't throw punches either and I do have my anger under enough control to not often shoot myself in the foot.
One has to try and control anger or else the main one to suffer is oneself, every time. Used sparingly it's a useful tool and will carry the day against the weak or half hearted - but it doesn't make one very likable and being liked is important psychologically AND in terms of ones own path through life. 
People help other people that they like; only the more saintly and pure of heart go out of their way to extend any sort of help to people they don't like. That's just a fact of life like the sun rising and setting again. The goodwill of people is important and can make your path easier.  I'm not talking about ass-kissing ...... I hate that as much as anyone else ...... but don't go out of your way to find trouble. 
I absolutely agree that there are *things* where one has to make a stand, but pick your causes and pick your fights because transition isn't easy.  Flying off the handle won't make it any easier and life is too short to champion every lost cause you stumble onto. 
  - if the above seems "too severe" to be appropriate to yourself, then adjust it to suit    - but you did say

QuoteI tend to offend sooner or later and in a quite blown up fashion.

I don't mean it in any offensive fashion at all, nor to "talk down" to you.     

But for temper and causes  - e.g. Here's how I see my own position with trans abuse:-  I'm 6-foot and easily read, even though I dress and act in a way which reasonably blends in with women of my own (apparent) age. - friends tell me often that I look about 10 years younger than my true male age.  Inevitably, teenage boys and drunken men and just plain a55holes occasionally shout abuse at me.
If it's a single short incident, I let it pass - a couple of drunks on the way home from the pub or a handful of teenagers shouting as I pass  ....... I'd let it go, ignore it and move on.  But it varies ........ there's a kid who hangs around the local bus station and over the past two years, he's shouted stuff at me for the sixth time recently. He's often "bigging-up" in front of three or four others.  It needs stopping 'cos he's done it several times, he's effectively encouraging others in the idea that they can get away with it and he's getting bolder...... last time he also ran across to the bus and banged on the window.  I've behaved like a shrinking violet each time......... passive. Next time I'm either gonna record him and prosecute him for trans-abuse OR front up to him and let 55 years experience in the male role show and unleash the temper. 
I did it once before on the bus station to another smarmy little sh1te who said something specially offensive as I passed and he almost shat himself! I've never actually seen the colour literally drain from a face before but it happened with him, right before my eyes      He ate humble pie in front of his mate and I've never had a peep out of him since.
Others, I've gone up to and just talked quietly to ...... just tried to educate them a little and at the same time get across that I'm a reasonably nice person.  That's worked too, very well indeed ........ PICK your fights 'cos - did I mention that transition isn't easy?   
I'm no pushover, but it's a simple fact of life that 'cos I'm easily read, a few drunks and posing-for-their-mates teenagers ARE gonna say crap to me - I simply haven't the time or the energy to prosecute/educate/fight then all ...... I've got a LIFE to live.
I'm NOT the Saviour Of The Free World and I'm realistic enough to admit it.

Clothes  Hey....... I'm NOT suggesting that you dress in pink frills     - you said "tomboy" and that conjured up a certain image in my mind which wasn't great for a transwoman trying to Blend.  I'm not suggesting that you should be a girly-girl if you're not, I was just pointing out that whatever actual clothes you wear, it helps if they're unambiguously feminine ...... they should still be discreet/blending and to your own taste.
- I too am opposed to overcompensating ....... I wear a C cup or less because more makes me feel like a drag queen ..... I wear a full makeup because frankly I need it, but it's done with SOME subtlety and restraint ...... my mannerisms are androgynous because I would HATE to be overplaying and seem ridiculous.
Please don't imagine that I do some sort of ridiculous overcompensation - If I wear something, it's simply because it's ME ..... I meant that I like nice skirts that are full enough to disguise my lack of hips and bum a bit and that I like wearing tights rather than bare legs much the same as the majority of women my age. Don't get the impression that I'm walking around smothered in frills   
- and the pedal-pushers are pink 'cos that's the way someone GAVE them to me and I kept them 'cos I'm a hoarder and don't wear pants much anyway.
Actually, I do somewhat LIKE pink, but rarely wear it BECAUSE it seems too stereotypically girly and rather ridiculous (there's that word again) on me personally!
From the back, a plain pair of jeans is a plain pair of jeans and without the right genes you're going to appear possibly male - a nice little motif on the ass pocket that a guy would probably avoid like the plague helps ..... if they think that you're female before you ever turn round, they're much more likely to SEE female when you do.
You can be SUBTLE about it, just make sure it's there (is MY own opinion)

Body-language is important - a transwoman might look great, but of she has blatantly male body language she'll get read in an eyeblink - by and large even the most shapeless ugliest pig of a woman moves like a woman.  Also..... your body language and a fleeting impression of your clothes is all that a lot of people will see of you in their peripheral vision or when they actually idly swing their eyes over you and their mind is occupied elsewhere.  If nothing jars, then they eyes move idly on.  Half the trick is simply to avoid unnecessary closer inspection.  The person behind the shop counter, you have to interact with but the rest of the customers you don't.
Basically, take a realistic guess at how old you look when dressed and made-up and buy clothes etc to fit what other girls that age are wearing - pick from their styles and colours the ones that YOU like .....and that also suit you of course. 
I do fully realise that you have your own taste and personality and you should of course express that, but particularly at first the most important thing is Blending.  ..... or actually a better term would be Blanding!  Until you get confidence through being used to being out-and-about in-role, my advice would be to be so bland that you escape notice.   

Bra..... Ah! - I was thinking in terms of you changing role pretty soon and therefore NEEDING some falsies to present better - obviously, if you don't adopt the role until you're well-developed, then it will be a different question, one of getting a proper bra-fit.
You won't actually NEED a bra until you get near A cup ..... trainer bras are for training the wearer, not training the breasts to grow nor even really supporting them.

Trans groups - Yeah, I DO understand what you're saying - like I said, I don't go to mine very often.

QuoteI hate crowds, I massively dislike overcompensation, and often people disappoint me with trust issues.  I really do not want to put myself in a crowd that I will likely run into many of those issues in mass just for some minor support on feeling better.

People will disappoint you with trust issues 99 times out of a hundred - it's another fact-of-life, so get used to it as soon as possible and when you do find people that you can trust, hang on to them.  There are an awful lot of jerks out there, but despite how it sometimes seems, not everyone is an a55hole. 
- and I don't like crowds either       

Look...... I've got my ex-wife staying the night and it's not fair to her to leave her on her own for hours, especially when it's as late as this (4am in the uk now) so I've got to go.
I got some stuff said and at least showed that I'm paying attention.
If I've misunderstood you or said anything inappropriate, I'm sorry. I am TRYING to understand.

I can't help you with any anger/personality issues you may have or help you make worthwhile friends     .... hell, I'm struggling with all of that myself is the truth of it - but I'm trying. 

For the transgender issues, this IS the right place ..... there are people here who will help you with the trans-stuff if they can so don't shoot yourself in the foot on this forum by blasting someone over nothing.  People aren't perfect .... they make mistakes and they sometimes misunderstand so if they do, take a deep breath before you post back.
Whacking someone who deliberately disses you is ok though.     (but stay within forum rules! )

I'm really busy all day and night tomorrow, so I'll post again the day after and respond to other stuff you wrote. Somehow.
Maybe someone else will post comments ...... you do seem to be hemmed in by a lot of different circumstances.   

(btw - I post on tzone too and my avatar there is a pic of me when I still wore a wig, if you want to see who you're talking to    )
Edit:- Just got my hair done so updated my ancient avatar at tzone and put it up here too - not a great pic, but it'll do for now.

Hi Korlee!

I am in just about the same boat as you sept I haven't started HRT but plan to see a therapist in my area sometime soon. Maybe we can help each other out some way? If you need someone to talk to more frequently I have many instant messegers like yahoo, aim, and msn.

I myself am 25 & a huge geek/nerd and love video games and all that nerdy stuff like dungeons and dragons etc. So my style of closes is more alternative perhaps? Jeans with a nice top w/ a graphic of some nerdy thing  . Even though I do not have much if any experience I can say from browsing and posting on these forums that a therapist does offer alot of insight & help with planning.

Friends and family? Yeah, I'm scared %@!^less to tell my folks, though I have told at least two of my girl friends and they are ok with it. I know for a fact that my family will take it horribly if they knew which is why I want to move out before I start to fully transition. Im fairly decent @ hiding things as well so I'll use that a while before I can't stand it anymore living a lie.

Right now I am just focusing on the small things like hair removal which I'll be getting lazer next year when I get taxes back in January/Febuary. I won't lie that I am a very nervous and anxious person when it comes to going out and getting something I need for myself like a few days ago I had gone to get a Venus shaver for my legs (btw omg they are awesome!) & I literally was a wreck but thank god for new self service lanes! 

Anyways, if you need someone to talk to or just to chat it up about these things I'm free most of the time even @ work since my cell has my instant messengers on them as well.

Love & wishes luck,

Kayla

Very glad to see a reply to you from xXKaylaXx - chatting with someone of similar age and in a similar position has to help.

I understand now how difficult your position is with your parents - especially if they've got God
It seems to me that the only direct help you have or can tolerate at present is your sister, so I think that you should try and get onto a better footing with her.
e.g. Have you asked her WHY she acts uneasy when you assume female mannerisms in front of her?
IMO there is nothing more helpful than having the active support of a genetic female and she seems to be the only nearby person that you  can turn to at the moment so try to get her more actively on your side  - though you did mention that she "had some problems of her own" (?)


- you really do need to get some WORK done on presenting as your target gender.
Slipping a frock on now-and-again to get some relief from your gender dysphoria is fine but unless you work to perfect as much as you can the other aspects that go with it you will present as a man-in-a-frock rather than as a female - boobs or not.
My own experience is this:- If I confidently present a reasonable approximation of female appearance and behaviour, then whether they've read me or not, 99% of people will respectfully treat me as female.

The hardest part of all this is actually starting. Once you have some confidence that your presentation - although not yet perfect - is not simply ridiculous then you can start thinking about when and how to go out in public for short periods.
Once that hurdle is out of the way, you'll come on in leaps and bounds.

You do need to make that start - you can't just sit there swallowing hormones until everything blows up in your face   

Hi Korlee,

I don't have a lot to add from Steffi's and Kayla's comments.
But a few points. One: welcome Honey, you are among friends now. Mnay of us have been through similar situations, the thing to do is to talk about them. I'm in Australia so I cannot really be helpful about USA issues. My parents were VERY Catholic, my Dad ended up being a Catholic priest. So I know that deal. They could not accept Cindy but they tried to love me. And did.
Like you my sister 2 years older than I, totally accepted me, let me use her wardrobe and helped with girly issues. I'm also quite shy, I think many TG are, it goes with the territory. Many of us have had incredible embaresment at coming out in public. Funnily enough many of us will also say that first terror trip changed us. My first as Cindy was to a bar where I was meeting with a person from a TG support group. I was shaking. After a few minutes I was so relaxed, finally I felt like me.

There have been lots of posts on clothes buying. I buy as Cindy or in drab. Never had a problem. I, for side issues, have to work in drab. But I live most of my life as Cindy.
If there is a support group they can be most helpful. I know it means putting faith into other people but sometimes you have to realise that you may need a helping hand.


Love
Cindy

Steffi - I have heard these things about anger before but I have my emotions on my cuff and it takes alot of work.  It has taken much just to get here where I am with my anger and such.  I doubt that will change anytime soon.

I can't ass-kiss in any form.  That is just not in my nature and goes against every grain inside me.  Even if there are times for it.  Ya, life is short.  I have found that out quite early and it is always a forethought. I am definitely not happy with where my life is right now.. at all.

And you have not offended me.  It takes more then that and I mean I will offend not anyone here.  Sooner or later I will post in anger, find something that as you put is against my cause?  Something it just happens.  Maybe even a term someone views as slang but I put no value in it as such.

I imagine I will run into much of what you have if I can ever get the bravery to go out or be more.

Once again on the clothes.  I will try to take your advice but my sense of fashion has always blown.  I couldn't tell you what matched or what people liked to wear to save my life. 

Body language - That one I know alot about from reading on why it is needed.  However like the others my experience is limited.  I do not know what other girls my age wear and such as I noted above.  A tutor would be a good thing I suppose?  But I doubt I have the money for anything like that.

Bra - Ya, I'm developing at a nice rate there.  I'd like to hope it does not slow down but just a positive thought and I bet it will.  They are sensitive enough right now I notice them all the time. o.<

I know it is the right place.  Part of why I posted as I do research things abit... T-zone?  Eh.. I really do not want to post at two places at this time.  Just one is enough...

I have not asked her why because I do not want to well pressure it tons.  She has her own problems after a fail marriage and a child.  It isn't fair to toss more onto her plate.

Yes, I know there is more!  >.<  I just dunno.  I don't like the general public... at all.  As it is and now going in this with my little actual practice?  >.<

I know!  I know! >.<

----

xXKaylaXx - I will definitely consider taking that offer on someone to speak with.  Also yes!  I have all three.

I tried D&D once but the people turned me away with the snobbish expecting me to know all the dice from the get go and such.  At the moment I am into consoles as I collect them as a hobby.  It is really my one and only hobby that worked out and I very much like.  However I really have nobody to game with at this time or anyone who shares interest in anime and such the same way.

Ya, family bites.  I can honestly say mine has been most disappointing over the years.

Ya, even with the self service lanes I am nervous as hell about it all.  I really do need to pickup more things though. >.<

---

Cindy - I do not think I am ready for a support group.  I have all to many so called helping hands backhand someone or myself.  I really do not think I could trust anyone at one in any fashion amongst other things.

I know this will be merged with the last post of mine and that I am bumping an older topic.  However I don't feel like it needs a new thread as it is dealing with the same issues.  I was not sure I was even going to talk about it at first.

Around a week ago I had a large fight with my mother.  I am not sure what prompted me to be the bit on an ass that I was but I confronted her.  We had one of our usual starter debates because I could not hear her over the vacuum and I spoke sarcastically abit loud over it citing that is why I could not here her and made the mistake moving the wrong object.  This followed with -You never do anything, you are a failure, lucky to be here, yada yada, speeches.- I just kinda took it and helped her work around the house abit more.

Well around an hour later?  I wanted to go out to get out of the house and cool down before I made a mistake and got angrier and such.  Well my sisters friends truck was in the way of my car so I could not leave.  I came in and asked for it to be moved so I could go out.  Mother butted in as usual and asked why I needed to go anywhere.  I said I just need to go out.  She told him not to move it so I'd be stuck at home.  I left and came back asking yet again and once again she told him not to move it.  This time as I was already angry from one of are usual fights that happen quite often even when I am trying hard to make her happy.  I stormed out of the house and walked down the road then came back and demanded it be moved.  She said I did not need to go anywhere yet again and here is where I confronted her and no idea why but just did.

I got less then a foot from her and said I need to go out and be alone.  She said no once again.  I did not need to go anywhere and she'd call the cops on me.  If I did not back down and go away.  I told her I was trying to get out of her hair and she was stopping me from doing so! She once again warned me about the cops and I replied.  I was crying dunno why but I told her she never really cared.  I am not my brother!  I will not wreck due to emotions as I am a damn good driver always have been.  She said I needed to back down, talked of the cops again, and some how this also lead into me not telling her why I was seeing a doctor.  I told once again not moving and you want to know why!?  Do you!?  You already know!  You laughed in my face ten years ago for it and have acted on it ever since!  She yelled back that she did not know!  I said bull->-bleeped-<- and went to sit in the car.  Eventually they came out to move the truck since they were going to a concert.  I left behind them.

I drove awhile crying.  I called my brother up and he was less then supportive leave it at that.  So I drove more and around an hour or so ended up home again.  I decided I was just going to refresh her memory about it all.  I did not care!  I told her we needed to talk and she just got angry saying I said that in the wrong way.  Anyways I ended up telling her again.  That the doctor was not for something like a STD or Aids but about my gender.  This ended up with one of her talks saying nothing she ever did to me was because of that.  I told her I wished I could believe that but the rate you did after I told you says otherwise.  She spoke of a gay member in my step dads family after that and that she loved me but what I was doing was a sin.  What my sister did was a sin having a child out of wedlock and a few other examples.  That she'd always love me but I'd have to answer to god.  I told her she loved me because we were blood related but you have never loved me for me.  Who I am and that has always been a problem.  She gave me a year to work things out.

So now I have a year to get a decent job and start some online college courses.  She says if I can do that in this year she will let me stay.  This ended the conversation and I went downstairs and just played a few online games trying to calm myself as I was still riled. 

However oddly enough she reacted so much differently then years ago despite not really changing and being more vocal in hating, lesbians, gays, etc then she has ever been.  I tested a few things with some thin jeans the other day it also appears she will not stop me anymore even from dressing up.  So once I get a job that can cover what I need to do?  I am full game at home it seems or that is the impression I get.  I suppose this means no more hiding?  That seems like a load off my back just that if true. 

Today she even asked me about my doctors appointment and what it was for.  I told her you already know she just smiled.  Then said we needed to find me insurance and see if we could pass it as a none pre-existing condition?  She was trying to help?  I told her no insurance in America would help with this as far as I know.  She told me then we'd talk about it later and that was that.

So I am happy I guess but at a total loss.  I am not sure how to react to all this.  Is she going to help?  Is it a ruse?  What is going on!?

Also I know some details are missing above hard to remember it all but it is a summery? I suppose.  Still not sure if sharing this in any fashion is a good idea... At all....

Sharing it is good Korlee. It helps to talk this stuff out with people.
I had not forgotten you and was wondering how you were getting on.

You've been through a bit of a sh1tstorm there and it very much seems to be not of your own making, regardless of your temper - I think that anyone would have got angry in that situation.
At the end though, you do seem to have won some significant gains!  I'm so glad for you 

The delicate bit now is keeping them!
Temper due to the frustration of that situation has served you well this time, but I think that now you really should try and hold it in check a bit - you WON that argument this time and by revisiting in the future all you can do is lose some of what you gained. 
Try now to keep firm on your stance in a calm but rigidly determined manner.

Take it steady with the dressing up and feel your way along. - what I'm saying here is that if you suddenly appear fully dressed etc she might freak out and reject the whole thing again, then you're back to where you started.
This is a delicate time to tread lightly and let the little bit of acceptance you have won take firm root.
Since she is being helpful, try and involve her a bit ....... it's really difficult to advise on this because she's clearly....... difficult....... and only you who are on-the-spot know her and the situation at any given time. 
Perhaps you could ask her advice on something..... make-up?  Clothing choices?
You'll have to feel your way along as best you can.....

From what you posted above, there seems no doubt that you have won the most significant battle - that of gaining the first acceptance that "it" is even a valid issue. 
From there on, if you walk softly you might well be able to develop the situation until it fulfills all your needs.
That's a LOT better than where you were at last post and I'm very glad for you.

Please do keep us up to date as things progress.   

btw - you could always PM me if you want.

Steffi,

I am glad it makes more sense to someone then it does me.  To be honest I was not sure if there was equal blame anymore.

Now there is a task keeping calm for the duration.  To be honest I have felt abit better since the fight in just that she knows again regardless of what would come of it.  At least she'd maybe stop with some of the stuff when around me?

I had not planned on full dress since I kinda well stink at it at this moment.  However I did plan when more money comes my one again to start on jeans, shirts, how to makeup stuff.  The smaller things as you suggested.  I will very much so take your suggestion here and go slowly.  I think slowly would be better for me anyways on that. 

Feel my way?  >.<  "sigh"  I shall try? 

So you think I have gained ground?  That she has acknowledged it in some way?  O.o

Maybe... I've never been good with public stuff.  Makes me nervous in many ways....

I'll take you up on that offer... most likely.  More private and that makes me more comfortable.

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Post Merge: October 06, 2009, 11:34:41 AM

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Well... She just did a 180.  I was speaking to her while sitting on the couch just talking since she knew I was seeking a specialist and suddenly?  She -forgot- what it was for and I was like ~You know...~  she said ~No, I don't~  so I pressed and finally said the gender thing?  To which she was like ~What that you want to be a female thing!  Well you can't do that in this house.  I won't be the one to have to tell friends or deal with it at work.~ .  I really just frowned at that point and went to help the directv guy they had around installing it. 

So ya, now she is back to massive hate.  I am convinced she has multiple personalities with her massive denial.

This also means back to plan A.  Stay low and work on getting out hopefully. o.<

Oh Korlee ...... I'm so very sorry to hear that.
Such hot-and-cold reactions are worse than simple denial because having hope (of anything in life) and then having it crushed or snatched away is very wearing indeed.      
Sad for you hun.

Congratulations on keeping calm about it, I realise that it isn't at all easy to do so. 

Yes, back to Plan A - there is always Plan A Korlee.