Parents + only daughter = transson acceptance FAIL :'(

[Lutin]

I love my parents, I'm so grateful that they haven't disowned me or thrown me out or tried to beat the femininity back into me, as I know happens with some guys (and the opposite with some girls). They've generally been very tolerant after I came out to them last October, but that's just it - they tolerate that I say I'm trans, but don't accept or believe I'm trans.

As I posted recently, Mum referred to me a couple of days ago as "masculine", but that was still in the context of being a "masculine woman". She just can't seem to accept that I'm not a woman, no matter how many times I've told her (which, while it hasn't been a constant string of "I'm not female"s, I have stated quite clearly a number of times). I know she may be having problems coming to grips with her eldest child and only daughter being a man, but she made the effort before to help me and try and adjust her own mindset, why not now? For months she stopped referring to me as her "girl" and we talked about it and I told her how happy it made me, and yet she's suddenly reverted back to "girl", and just seeing me as a "masculine woman" - which, as I've said, I've already told her I'm not.

I came out to my parents at the same time, in an email I sent to them, so they both know, and yet Dad does the same thing. Even though he said that as long as I was happy I'd have his support, and even though I'm dressing in men's clothes and binding (which my friends say is really obvious and looks good) and have cut my hair shoulder-length (it used to be past my bum), and even though I try to not speak like a girl, and have given Mum all my women's clothes (which she told him about), there's no recognition or acceptance there. He was trying to take off the lid of a tomato salsa bottle today, and I asked if he wanted help, and he said in his typical joking manner, "No, thank you very much. I'm a bloke, blokes can open their own bottles. The last thing a bloke would ever do is ask a woman for help".

I don't cry easily, I can't remember the last time I cried, and normally being trans for me is more I-want-to-curl-up-into-a-ball-and-sleep-all-day-exhausting-painful than bawl-your-eyes-out-upsetting-painful, but this hurt *so much*, I just wanted to go to my room and sob the afternoon away (which I couldn't, I had to leave for work, although I did have tears in my eyes most of the drive there).

As I said, I am grateful for what support they give, but not being accepted hurts so much, I just don't know what to do, I've already told them and explained everything. After Dad's "blokes and  bottles" laugh this afternoon, I said "I'll have to remember that", and left for work slowly, I just felt so tired and dead, and when I came home it was almost like he realised his faux pas of calling me a woman. He looked at me really sadly, but still said "Love my girl!". And he and Mum always do that, look at me sadly and say "Love my girl!" like it's supposed to make me snap out of it or something, and no matter what I do, or how I react to it (I've walked away from hugs, or raised my eyebrow, or left rooms when "my girl" has come up. The only thing left is beating them about the ears with it), they never seem to get the message - or, if they do, ignore it completely.

Sorry, I realise this is yet another hideously-long angsty rant. Does anyone have experience with loving and caring but unaccepting/in denial parents? I just don't know what to do, I love them so much, but the unacceptance really hurts.

Will

[LordKAT]

Just a possibility but if they were making some effort but then reverted, someone may have given them the advice to not accept in an effort to 'change you back'.

I don't know your age or situation but you may have to leave home. My parents will never accept me as a guy even tho they treated me as one 90% of my life. We talk but not about that and they never use male anything in reference to me. I live elsewhere and just let them be. You may have to do the same.

[Miniar]

My dad doesn't understand it.
He's got issues with it.
He thinks I'm being stupid and lazy.
But he'll get around, eventually...

[Mister]

Well, how far are you into your transition? 

This isn't an easy thing for people to 'get' if they don't see anything different about you.  One day you're a girl, the next you're insisting you're a boy, and for the next weeks, months, years...   you look the same you did the day before you made your big announcement.

The easiest way to have someone respect your transition is to get on with it and lead a happier, more productive life than you were before.

[DamagedChris]

I felt this hard myself when I came to my parents and told them. It got to the point where i couldn't have people over to my house, since my mother would start crying as if someone had killed her daughter and my dad would just plot to 'out' me right there (I was living completely as a guy for about 7-8 months).

During that time things got...bad. My mother took me to a therapist, calling me "damaged" and insisting he "fix" me. She got into the habit of buying me girl's clothing and leaving them as surprises in my room...so I had to start doing precautionary peeks into my room before taking friends in, or risk having to explain the cute little skirt lying on my bed. My father treated it like I was pulling an elaborate prank, and refused to treat me any differently than before. I couldn't give out my home phone number to anyone, because if either one of them asked for me, they'd just reply, "Chris? Oh, you mean Kristen, I'll get her." Likewise as mentioned I really couldn't bring people over. I did my own laundry only because my mother would flip every time she saw a pair of boxers in my basket...and of course would randomly burst out crying as if her only child had died.

It felt like I had to choose between the stress of having to be a girl when I wasn't or having the stress of my parents constantly giving me grief about it...eventually getting bad enough to where I finally went back in the closet for a couple years, not wanting to face my family again like that. I'm just re-emerging for Round 2 myself and hoping this goes better...now that I don't live with my parents I'm guessing it will, provided I can find steady work that doesn't mind me.

On a fun side note...I never told my parents I'm bisexual, or showed any bi/lesbian tendencies around them...so they're going to LOVE this this time around.

[Lutin]

I think dealing with the family's reaction is the scariest aspect of it (or one of the scarier aspects, anyway). Friends - or at least all the friends I've told - have been fantastic, and I'm not quite as scared about coming out to friends anymore, but being trans in an exclusively heterosexual, cisgendered family never ceases to terrify me. Are your friends alright with it, Chris? Like, do they know about it? Having friends' support has helped me more than I ever imagined, so I hope your friends, if they do know, are great too.

And I think I may have maligned my Mum (sorry, Mum!). I'm going out to a trans support group dinner tonight, first time I've been, and told Mum about it this afternoon (she was planning what to make for tea, and needed to know if I wanted a meal or not), and we ended up having this conversation about my being trans and who I'm seeing about it and what I plan to do etc., and she was really great, said she was happy I was seeking help and talking to people about it, and said that she and Dad would pay any psychiatrist/counsellor/doctor fees necessary, "whatever it takes", I think were her words. She said that she wasn't sure Dad would accept me, not at the moment at least, which scares me, as Dad and I have always been on really good terms and I really don't want to lose that, but Mum, at least, was very open and supportive and willing to help. Such a relief, I really didn't want to do this without her support.

And Chris, good luck with the second round fun of being bi. When I came out as trans I also came out as gay, but given my Dad's bad-taste gay jokes (not malicious, just very bad-taste ), I think they might have forgotten that part...

[Cindy]

My 2 cents worth?

I think it is the " I love my child and hope they will become "normal" again." I don't mean that in anyway disrespectfully to either of you. I think all loving parents have a tendency to want their children to not only fit into the crowd but maybe excell in the crowd as super-normal. You see this in parents having their first child. It has to be perfect, but the same as other children. There is a strong human desire for normality. When people like us pop along we totally shake the cart. My M&D could never accept I am female. I was their son whom they had tried so hard for. They sacrificied life style to give their 'son' an excellent education so 'he' could go out in the world and do male leader stuff. When I told them I was a girl and wanted all the junk cut off and to grow breasts and to have children (ok I was young and hopeful) it was a total and complete shock. They could maybe accept if I was gay, but a woman? No way.

I realise that your situation William and Chris are ones in which you want acceptence for your selves, and I fully know the pain that can be caused by silly comments. But may I also suggest looking at the other side of the equation, how difficult it is for a parent to accept that their perfect little girl or boy, isn't. And they hope against hope we will grow out of it.
My Dad told me I wanted to be female because I was lonely and had no friends. I tried to explain I was lonely and had no friends 'cos I'm transgendered. Futile.

Take care guys and I hope things work out.

Love and Hugs

Cindy

[Alyx.]

Well, William.

I have been there, done that, and I got the T-shirt. It doesn't fit me, though, because they never sell T-shirts in my size. :\

I can't even manage my own family, but I am going through the same thing...

[Myself]

Tell them clearly
I know for me, it is one of the scariest things.. well not scary as feeling a bit weird and anxious.. maybe a bit embarrassing too as you know the expect you to be someone else, still.

But just, tell them what you told us, tell them what you feel, what they did right, what they did and are doing wrong.

Tell them "Mom, dad, I am not a girl, I'd like you to recognize me as.." and tell them how much it is important to you that they understand it and also how much it hurts that they, more than anyone else, don't recognize and don't seem to understand it at all.

Tell them how you'd like to be treated and why. Just sit with them and explain yourself, your emotions and who you really are.

And eventually you might add - depending on the way the conversation went: "please do it for me, even if you don't understand, even if you don't yet see it, I will feel a lot better if you do, try and do this for me."

I know that I avoided asking my parents to treat me as a girl for long.. even after asking them, I highly doubt how much they actually realize I am a girl.
But they seem to get there slowly, as they see me doing girly stuff more openly, putting on make up, asking mom to buy me make up when she was in the city.

When they see me with friends and notice how everyone treats me, they slowly recognize me. But it's a process.
They have been with us since age 0, we acted in ways they expected sometimes, just to try and fit in, even if we didn't, they didn't really notice it.

Personally, I became very introverted so they never really knew me, any bit of me.
Either I was doing my things (which was usually in the computer) or I was with my very few friends.
We didn't talk, they became introverted to me too.. and it's hard.
And even though I never really acted like a guy, just because they never saw me totally acting like a girl, it is hard for them to realize that.

Good luck

[DamagedChris]

I think dealing with the family's reaction is the scariest aspect of it (or one of the scarier aspects, anyway). Friends - or at least all the friends I've told - have been fantastic, and I'm not quite as scared about coming out to friends anymore, but being trans in an exclusively heterosexual, cisgendered family never ceases to terrify me. Are your friends alright with it, Chris? Like, do they know about it? Having friends' support has helped me more than I ever imagined, so I hope your friends, if they do know, are great too.

And I think I may have maligned my Mum (sorry, Mum!). I'm going out to a trans support group dinner tonight, first time I've been, and told Mum about it this afternoon (she was planning what to make for tea, and needed to know if I wanted a meal or not), and we ended up having this conversation about my being trans and who I'm seeing about it and what I plan to do etc., and she was really great, said she was happy I was seeking help and talking to people about it, and said that she and Dad would pay any psychiatrist/counsellor/doctor fees necessary, "whatever it takes", I think were her words. She said that she wasn't sure Dad would accept me, not at the moment at least, which scares me, as Dad and I have always been on really good terms and I really don't want to lose that, but Mum, at least, was very open and supportive and willing to help. Such a relief, I really didn't want to do this without her support.

And Chris, good luck with the second round fun of being bi. When I came out as trans I also came out as gay, but given my Dad's bad-taste gay jokes (not malicious, just very bad-taste ), I think they might have forgotten that part...

My friends at the time I actually don't see anymore, since I've moved multiple times and changed numbers a couple times as well...but at the time, my friends didn't know if I could help it...I'd just moved into a different school system about 9 hours from everyone I'd ever spoken to, so I got a rare opportunity in the form of a completely clean slate. But at the end, about 2 months before I moved for college, I came "out" as a bio female, that I wasn't the guy that they'd met and known...and I was honestly expecting the worst, because the town I was living in was a backwater bible-thumping community...but surprisingly, everyone was cool with it. I got hell from one guy at school was it. Having to tell them was obnoxious, because of course then my mind played the "gender game" with me (I constantly thought from then on that every time they treated me any different it was because of that, and was a nutjob from then on with social relationships)...funny enough, my parents and my extended family seemed to have the biggest objections ever.

After reading Myself's post...I have to say that that calm, collected approach was something that never worked for me...I've always been on the abrasive side and my mother is one of those people who is always, ALWAYS correct...so usually it ended up in a shouting match and me either storming out to my car or into my room.