The Ultimate Guilt Trip

[Julie Marie]

I recently read that some of us would like to just vanish and come up somewhere else and live a new life in their identified gender. This meant no contact with anyone in their old life, no one would know where they are, like an alien spacecraft took them in the night and POOF, they're gone, forever.

In other words, it would be better for family, friends, co-workers, neighbors to all believe you are gone from their life forever than to come out to them.

Is this shame?  Guilt?  An inability to accept responsibility for transitioning?  A "I could never do "that" to my family" attitude?

Whatever it is, it seems like the ultimate guilt trip.

Julie

[Suzy]

Oh yes, Jules.  Count me in.  It would be much easier for a lot of people to adjust to my death.  Guilt?  I don't think so.  Reality, yes.

Now there are very few good ways of just vanishing any more, so it is all hypothetical for me.  One thing about our current technology, for better or worse, it forces us to stand and face our problems and will not allow us to run away.

Kristi

[Julie Marie]

Well, the reason I went to guilt is because of the "what I'd do to people" attitude.  As if transitioning is so terrible and and unthinkable that death is the better choice. 

Instead of trying to educate those around us and help them understand this isn't some atrocious crime against nature, family, whatever, the attitude is "I might as well give up before even trying" or "I can't do anything about this so I'll just leave".

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself."  That seems pretty applicable here.

What I don't get is the fatalistic attitude that reasons it is better to make the choice to leave everything and everyone than to come out and see what happens, all the while trying to hang on to what you can.

I lost a lot, far more than I ever expected.  But I still have some family and friends in my life.  And I could have more if I was just a bit more outgoing.  And I also have the new friends who only know me and not that former self.  They all know my past but they don't care and that's pretty cool.

Maybe it's better to call it a horribly negative attitude than the ultimate guilt trip but I believe there's an element of guilt behind any decision to walk away from a life you were such an integral part of.

If we think death is better than coming out, we have a lot of work to do, not only on ourselves but on everyone around us.

Julie

[Dana Lane]

Maybe magically at the end of my transition but I wouldn't want to lose all contact with everyone I knew.  I would rather just push those out of my life that are not good for me.  I already feel that way about the majority of my family (unrelated to my gender identity) so I guess it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

[Chrissty]

I'll have to side with Kristi on this one.

I can see topic is supposed to be lighthearted, but I can also see a lot of folk potentially taking what is being said here the wrong way..

Chrissty

[LordKAT]

If possible I would disappear AFTER coming out to family and friends. They make it very hard to live my life. Before disclosure, it just didn't matter. After, I prefer life.

[Natasha]

guilt, shame, guilt, shame, guilt, shame.  gawd! we're beginning to sound like a broken record.  it's getting old & boring

[Julie Marie]

I can see topic is supposed to be lighthearted, but I can also see a lot of folk potentially taking what is being said here the wrong way..

Chrissty

It was not intended to be lighthearted.  I think this is a very serious problem when you think your death would be viewed by those who know you as preferable to coming out.  Considering the suicide rate amongst TGs, it seems a lot of other people do too.

If we didn't buy into the stigma.  If we tried to educate people.  If we took an active role.  If we thought better of ourselves.

Then maybe the world wouldn't react to us the way we think they will.

One thing is for certain, if you believe people would rather have you vanish than deal with your coming out then you haven't given them a chance.  Not until you give them a chance will you know.  And often times, we find we were wrong.

Julie

[Maebh]

guilt, shame, guilt, shame, guilt, shame.  gawd! we're beginning to sound like a broken record.  it's getting old & boring

All feelings are real to the person experiencing them. They might come from conditioning, from the reactions we got in the past.
Ignoring them is looking for trouble. Like children, ignored  feelings will always come back up louder and louder to get attended to. They also have a very nasty habit to creep on you and hit you hard when you last expect them.
So it might well be boring for some who have dealt with them. But in my modest opinion this is a support site. Giving the opportunity to people to explore, acknowledge, express and share these feeling is a way to help and eventually successfully deal with them.

HLL&R

Maebh

[Tammy Hope]

I'd agree in part, in this regard -

I'd consider it an ideal situation if, after i transitioned, I lived in a place that never knew about my birth defect and would never find out - it's just easier not to deal with people's misconceptions.

Further, if you are in a cold and distant family that has little contact anyway, I don't see it would be much of an issue if you moved away and dropped contact.

BUT i would also agree with the idea that if you have a family that cares about you, disappearing is just as much "doing it to them" as coming out.

[K8]

I think the idea of disappearing and reappearing somewhere else transformed has the same appeal that a lot of us express when we first start this.  We just want our fairy godmother to bonk us with her magic wand and - voila! - we are Cinderella or Prince Charming [our choice]. 

The appeal of disappearing and reappearing transformed is undeniable, but I think life is much more complex than that view implies.  Reality is a far richer experience than that.  Pushing ourselve through transition builds strength to survive what comes after.  When I get temporarily worn down I think that a painless transformation would be nice , but then I realize it wouldn't prepare me to live the rest of my life as Kate.

- Kate

[Steph]

It's all about being responsible for ones actions and not running away and hiding.  Life is real, live it.

-={LR}=-

[gennee]

Personally, I don't think that's an option for me. When I came out as a crossdresser four years ago I did not have any shame or guilt about it. Now that I've moved from CD/TG to TG/TS it's more important that I be out in the public and tell others. I just don't see the purpose in hiding something that's part of me.

I have considered the possibility of loss but that's the chance you take when you decide to live an authentic life.

Gennee

[debisl]

I would be willing to bet that most here have dreamed of being transported somewhere and transformed into our desired gender and returned back to live out our lives a new. There is nothing wrong with this dream.

If a person is shuned by family and friends what else is left. Certainly not beating a drum to deaf ears and drawing unwanted attention to your self. That will only make your life  more misurable. It is human nature to question things that are different from the norm. None of us here will ever be able to change things in our lifetime. I personaly would rather start a new and go about my life.

The question about faking a death has its isues. No one wants to loose a loved one. I think in this case it might be better to just let them know you are going away for (reason) and if you want to keep in touch I would welcome the outreach and love.

You can not force people to accept you. To try is fruitless. We as humans can't even get along with different cultures other than the one we live in. This is why we have wars. Christians and Muslems have been fighting for thousands of years and have not progressed any further to make peace than when they first started hating one another because they were different. Maybe a stupid analogy but you will not change the mind set of people who will not accept change.

Deb

[Hazumu]

I think with those fantasies of faking deaths and disappearing to start over you have to be wary of the passive-aggressive aspect of it.

A lot of suicidal ideation is of the variety "They'll be real sorry when I'm gone", which is VERY passive-aggressive.  You kill yourself in order to make others feel bad that they didn't treat you better.

Faking your death is still passive-aggressive.  And you get to find out the results of your 'demise' on family/friends/coworkers.

=K

[fae_reborn]

(WARNING: This post is the opinion of the author, myself, and is not intended to harm or otherwise belittle anyone, nor is it aimed at anyone in particular, but rather a general statement)

To me, the mere idea of faking your death and/or running away to another place far, far away, is a dangerous fantasy, and is very, VERY selfish.  For one thing, it is a ploy at removing yourself from the responsibility you have as an individual human being for your actions, and how they impact those around you.  For another, if one were to actually do this, it would do far more damage to your loved ones than coming out to them would ever do.  No one wants to see a loved one die/vanish.  No one.

If a family member of mine were TG/TS, I would rather they came out to me so I could be supportive and loving, as a family member should.  Yes, I will admit that I have dreamed of someone coming and whisking me away, but I also realized the damage this would cause to my family and friends.  It is far better to come out to them, than to just write them off completely.  As Julie said, you wouldn't even be giving them a chance to show you how much they care, and if they don't, well...at least you know.

Be responsible for yourself and your actions.  As Ladyrider said, live your life.

[NicholeW.]

...  No one wants to see a loved one die/vanish.  No one. ...

Experience, both of my own and of chatting with others makes me think that some people do want exactly that, Fae. A disappearance so they'd never have to deal with one they didn't understand ever again might be just in order for a lot more people than you think.

Yet, regardless of whether people know me or not, I am still required to live a life. How far away must I move to make sure that no one ever will ever know? And if I find that place to move to, what makes me think I can survive the move as "who I am" rather than as someone else entirely?

Some have because that's pretty much what was prescribed for them in order to transition at all. No one was to "talk" about what had happened in their lives. They were indoctrinated to live that way, and so, they did in order to be themselves they had to not be themselves.

[V M]

 Some of my family is slowly learning to accept me as I am. It has been a wrestling match.

Some wont talk to me at all. Others are on and off depending on their moods. 

[fae_reborn]

Experience, both of my own and of chatting with others makes me think that some people do want exactly that, Fae. A disappearance so they'd never have to deal with one they didn't understand ever again might be just in order for a lot more people than you think.

That saddens me, and begs the question: Why?  I mean, how could someone consciously say they would rather see a loved one disappear entirely, and that would somehow be 'better?'

I'll give you an example.  My younger brother, total opposite of me.  Redneck, ultra-conservative, loves his guns, trucks, and beer.  I don't agree with him on a lot of things, and we don't always understand each other, but he's my brother.  We may not always get along, but I would hate to see him just vanish.

[NicholeW.]

O, I get that, Fae. How does he feel about you though?