Crossdresser Acceptance

[Debtv]

Hello all,

I've noticed that many of the threads here in crossdress end up talking about the non-accpetance and acceptance we recieve. So lets talk about that.

I remember in the past (5 yrs to 40 yrs old 1961-1997) I thought if anyone ever found out I was a cd/tv...that my life would end as I knew it. Maybe I was right in 1975. Back then, transgender was unheard of. I trully think if I had told anyone, back then, in my small Missouri town...I would have beat up, maybe killed.

But in 1997 I told everyone I know that I'm cd/tv. I was the first and only tv for most folks (%99) to meet in real life.. My life did not end, although I'll have to admite it has changed....and I'd say for the better. I now live mostly enfemm, although I do my work and local town errands while endrab. Everyone knows that I'm 'that cd' but I am very low key about going out enfemm in public here. At home I'm  always enfemm and I go to friends homes, the bars now and then and a few partys enfemm localy. I'm out, but not totaly free.

I have payed a price:

I lost many old friends.
My family is only accepting, as long as they don't ever have to see me enfemm. One bro and 2 sisters are very afraid their kids will see me.
Many look at me as a gay now (and I'm not).
Many look at me as if I'm really "out there".
I have considerbly less women into me.
No one understands why I "choose to be cd/tv".
I am ostrisized in public by my peers (lived in same town since 1973).
Many think I'm saving up for the operation.
Neighborhood kids talk about me like I'm a freak.
NO ONE understands..........unless its other tg's.

But on the posisitve side:

I'm happier than I ever have been.
Many old friends did accept me (you never know who those will be).
Luckly I'm a tv because I don't mind going drab to family holidays.
I met a lovely woman who loves me for who I am.
I can stand tall and proud for living honestly.
I have made some excellent new friends.
I am educating others, hopfully making it better for those behind me.

So the fact is, in the last 30 years things have changed. I have wondered why this is so. Mass media has helped some what (Wong-Fo and Drews cding brother), although it has hurt us too (Pysco and Jerry Springer). Maybe its the police state we live in now. Back in 1975 if you had a problem with someone you just kicked their ass. Now a fight is police trouble...no mater what. So we are safer for it now?

Or it could be the gay fight for acceptance has changed our society to be more accepting of those they do not understand? This is probely the most truth. Since everyone thinks I'm gay...I have realized the gay battle is our battle too.

So if we want to change our society even more, then we need to do a few things. One is support the gay's in their battle for acceptance and the next is to become honest with others around you.

By telling others you are educating them about unknown stuff. You are showing them the truth, that we cd/tv are NOT 'out there' or pervs or want the operation or are gay or wierd or whatever, You are showing them you are still a good person who is honestly transgender...and proud of it. You should and will educate them about it

In my dealings with other the last 8 years I have not tried to pass or fool anyone. I dress to feel pretty, but do not change the way I am all the time, for example I don't change my voice. I am obvouisly a tv/cd....as I want to be seen as. Many are curious and want to ask questions...LOL mostly the same ones, 'real boobs?' or "Operation?" or "not at least bi?' LOL I am happy to talk to others about my life...how I started doing this at 5 yrs old, lived in denail and self-hate for too many yrs and so on. I tell them the nitty gritty true about how unacceptance has hurt me.

I have made a possitive impact on many folks in my small Missouri town (25,000). Many now know a tv/cd can be succesfully self-emplyed, can love and live with a lovely girlfriend/lover, are nessarly not gay, can be a good person and brave enough to live truthfully!

That is how the next change will happen. When enough of us stand up and say "I'm TG and I'm proud of it!" Only then will we be free to live life open and honestly in a culture that accepts us.

I'm PROUD to be Transgender!
by DebTV

To be free...to be me...if i can,
To seek my own path...not the path of others.
I prefer not to have an expected gender,
told by society...how to be me.

I prefer the challeges of my TG life,
to the one of a "drab" existence.
I prefer the thrill of my femm fufillment,
to the denial of my honest expression.

I will not trade gender-freedom for conformity,
nor my dignity for mass acceptance.
I will never cower before any negative judgment,
nor bend to others perceived "roles".

It takes strength to stand strong,
to think and act for myself.
To enjoy the benifits of my Femmness,
or the heartbreak of my denial.

To face the world boldly,
...In a dress, with my hair done just right.
and say, "This is truely ME....
....I AM PROUD TO BE A TG!"

Copyright (c) 1998 DebTV

What y-all think?
Love
DebTV

[beth]

i admire you deb, for understanding yourself and completely being yourself. i can only hope to reach the same point with my transsexuality. i admire you cause you always seem so happy about you transgenderedness. i wish you much continued happiness, you certainly deserve it.






beth

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello deb.

That is a great article, one that others should read, it's very inspiring, as is your poem.  You are trully comfortable with who you are, and you obviously know where you want your life to go.  I really like your comparisons, the pro's and con's as well.  My families will be the next who I come out to, and it's comforting to read about others experiences in this area, it shows that we are never alone in this, we have friends here at susans.

Thanks for that.

Steph

[Debtv]

Been thinking about this post, and since I'm advocating that tv/cd's ought to come out and tell others....I thought I'd better talk about more of the negative.

There are poeple who now hate me for being a tv/cd. It is mostly uptight moncho biker type dudes, but it also includes some women.

I have been and still am  paranoid about it. I am very careful in my life now. I don't answer my door without knowing who it is and if they are friendly, I don't go to the local bars alone, don't walk in dark alleys and so on.

I have heard that some of them would love to beat me for it. I do not fear one on one confrontations...but these kind of folks do stuff like that in groups....and I do fear bad timming in meeting a group of drunk bikers who hate me.

Its not just an idle threat, it is real and a part of my life now. It is not enough to make me move away or cower in fear, but it is a reality of being an out tg in a smaller town in Missouri.

The way I have dealt with is by being smart and careful....and also partly being angry too. I'm not going to let some group of chest beating heathens tell me what is right or wrong for me!

I do beleive we tg's need to be more out and upfront to create change in our culture. But, it takes balls of steel and we need to do it smartly and carefully.

Love
DebTV

[Shelley]

Hi Deb,

It wasn't until I found here that I understood myself. I also am TG and really comfortable with it. I would love to be accepted for what I am if for no other reason than that I have accepted what I am. Reading your posts is very comforting knowing that there are others who are not confused with who they are and happy to be that way. Yes I would love a world that is more accepting but thats their problem not mine. We need to be strong in our feelings if we can't accept ourselves its a really big ask for others to accept us.

Viva la difference

Atta girl.

Shelley

[Debtv]

I beleive self-acceptance is the 1st stage of finding personal tg happieness. Self-acceptance that grows into self-pride is the second stage.

Self-understanding? Well, that is a lot harder, I still am not sure why I'm tg. People always ask me 'why tg?". It is easy to see why others cannot understand something we cannot understand ourselves. And misunderstanding, is why we are unaccepted.

I always answer "why are you a tg?" with this........."I don't know why, but I have been doing this since I was 5 yrs old, as I have always felt I should have been a girl". Most folks are surprised by that and hopefully some understand that no mater "why?" I did not choose it.

"Why?" is shallow and meaningless to me though. No mater "why?" I am a TG. "Who am I?" is way more important. I am TG, but I do decide how I live my life.

One of my largest drives is to be a honest and good person. This is what I try to show others the most.

Love
DebTV

[Terri-Gene]

"I do beleive we tg's need to be more out and upfront to create change in our culture. But, it takes balls of steel and we need to do it smartly and carefully."

hah, well, there is nowhere any place or time that I go out and about as anything other then I am, and I for sure don't got no balls of steel, or of anything for that matter ......

Terri

[Debtv]

Hi Terri-Gene,

I meant 'balls of steel" as an ironic, tounge-in-cheek way of saying to be brave.

You are brave to be this way..."there is nowhere any place or time that I go out and about as anything other then I am" and I admire you for it.

All us tg's pay a price, as you know, and to keep going on, doing our best...is brave. To be truthfull is brave no mater who you are.

Lets see...mmmm quess we could call tg brave...strong as red nails? LOL

Love ya
DebTV

[Terri-Gene]

Red doesn't go will on butches, I prefer figerglass French tips polished to mirror shine and left clear or Natural and as long as possible without cutting palms when making a fist.  And of course, they are stong as steel.

As to courage to go out in natural presentation.  I don't really give that much thought anymore.  Years of having to go where necessary regardless of who might be there have taught me to just be as I am without thought about it and for the most part people do not question it, pay undue attention to me, or mention anything.  Was a time when I was defensive about it and relied heavily on past training and experience to silence any objections, but these days such attitude is only habit and has nothing to do with the way I actually feel.  in fact, have no desire for such things anymore and actually find my former aggressiveness somewhat appaling, and besides, I no longer need that side of me anymore and hope to lose that image in time.  It has no place in my life of today and I am actually ashamed of that image.

Terri

[4years]

Could this be a new meaning for "tough as nails"  

I do not think it is wise particularly to be ashamed of what has made, or perhaps just allowed us to survive, our past. Though I understand all to well the idea.

Is it courage to do what one perceives one must do? I suppose so really, in that we could curl up into a ball and cry till whatever problem or other goes away or some other. Frankly I don't think any of us here could do that. It is in our makeup to fight for who we are, else we would not be here at all.

[Terri-Gene]

"I do not think it is wise particularly to be ashamed of what has made, or perhaps just allowed us to survive, our past. Though I understand all to well the idea."

You are right in a way, one should never be personally ashamed of what they did as a matter of survival, but once something has outlived it's usfullness, it must be put aside to make room to move on.

As for me, I will always have some aspects of the past that will forever be with me and can't be denied or ignored, but that doesn't mean I can't learn to use other aspects of my personality to accomplish the same goals in a more peaceful and "civilised" way, especially since it makes me feel better when I do so.

Terri

[4years]

but once something has outlived it's usfullness, it must be put aside to make room to move on.
Hum, that is an exceedingly good point, at least to me. But then a TS tends to spend a large amount of effort deconstructing the mess we make. I have to wonder if that is a useful thought for the TVs/CDs in that the method of life is almost a different philosophy of balance, I guess.
Erm, I think I'll be quiet in this thread now. Sorry for the distraction.

[Shelley]

I think it does take courage to be ones self especially when others expect us to be something else.

One thing I have learned in this place is that we are all not the same and we have only to live up to our own expectation. I find comfort in how you Terri and Deb, express your feelings of self acceptance. Even if as Deb put it the "why" is still there.

I personally wondered how I was supposed to be. Being in the company of the people here has taught to listen within. That is where my answer lies. It reminded me that each one of us is an individual and what fits for one does not necessarily fit another it does how ever provide points of reference for us.

I think its like riding a bike, at first we are all wobbly and then as we gain confidence we become more stable. We don't go back to be that wobbly learner each time we go back to a bike. We move on. As we take a step in life with that step comes confidence to take another. Correct me if I'm wrong Terri but what you describe is movement beyond the wobbly stage to an individual that does not think about riding the bike but ride forward to the aspects of life beyond self acceptance.

I think that what Deb described is perhaps not the wobbly stage but moving beyond the worrying of what others think to where you are Terri. You may or may not like this but you have achieved a level of self confidence that many would wish to achieve. You and many others here provide hope to those who are in the wobbly stage or just moving on from it. 

Being in this place is like being the middle sister really. There are some here that are the little sister looking for guidance and there are the big sisters that we are learning from.

It is very comforting to be in the company of you big sisters.

Thankyou Shelley

[Louise]

Deb,

I admire your attitude and your spunk.  I agree that the first step is self-acceptance, followed by self-pride.  If we are ashamed of who we are then we are lost.  I also agree that public acceptance of CD's will come only when there are more like you who are out there in public.  

But this isn't for everyone.  I can be happy as a crossdresser as long as my wife and I can accept this.  I can be happy as long as occasionally I can walk around Kansas City wearing a skirt and makeup and I don't get mugged or laughed at too openly (if I am the cause for someone's private amusement, then that is just fine with me).  This does not require that I go around wearing a sign saying "I'm a crossdresser".  That, to me, would be inviting the kind of confrontation that I would just as soon avoid.  I would not want my employer to find out about my crossdressing--while I do not think I would be fired I do not think this would be a help to my career either.

In short, I agree that we will have more public acceptance of CD's when there is more public awareness of crossdressers.  But I do not want to be one of those public crossdressers.  I am not at all sure that public acceptance is really all that important.  I'll settle for a general toleration of those who are "different" in any way.

[Debtv]

Hi Girls,

Well yes, I am saying that we need to be more out to gain more acceptance. But, I do understand those who do not choose that path. It is life changing and there is a price to pay....and I know that for some....the price would be too much. I surely do not want to talk any of my TG sisters into going too far or paying too much.

I just know for me...the price has been worth it. Although I will admite that a few times in the last 8 yrs I have wished I could undo it because of the price I was paying. It is not an easy thing to do and once done...it cannot be undone. I know. A few times I have even considered moving away and starting over...and keeping it a big secret agin. The reason why is it is limmiting in some ways. It limmits my amount of friends, the jobs I can get and the amount of women who are into me. But....for me I can accept those limmits, because I'm so much happier about myself....and probely would be no mater the price.

Ironicly, to be an out tv you have to not care what others think...and that is alot harder than you would think.

Love DebTV

[AnneW]

I have made an effort to let selected women know about Anne and so far it has worked well - I have been lucky.

As a computer consultant, I work with a large number of women in various offices and get a chance to know them as individuals as well as clients.  Over the years I have found that they tend to confide in me (without knowing about Anne) about work and personal issues.  Just recently one woman told me she was pregnant and would be taking a leave, but hadn't told anyone else in the office.  It makes me wonder if I am viewed in a different light than other males.

I have told several of these women about Anne, and most have met Anne.  I have been very careful in selecting who I told and based it on many conversations about life in general and their political views.  I generally preface it with a statement like "I'd like to talk to you confidentially about something that is very personal.  If it offends you, I hope you will be able to forget the conversation and we can keep working together as before."   After disclosure, I've been met with surprise but never rejection.   

Knowing about Anne hasn't changed the dynamics of working together, except for the occasional "in joke" that one of us may make in the presence of others who don't know.  Makes for a fun work day.

Once someone knows about the TG side of me, I feel more honest and more comfortable working and talking with them.

Anne

[gina_taylor]

I'm an aluminum installer, and I have told a few select people in my line of work, about me being transgendered. Now the main reason I tell them is jsut so that if I slip and say something out of context, they'll at leats understand without giving me a weird look.
But usually a week later through the grape vine I hear that they feel that I am "weird" and that they don't want to work with me any longer. 

Maybe I should try Anne's line of: "If it offends you, I hope you will be able to forget the conversation and we can keep working together as before."     

Usually they're the ones who bring up little bits about it, and sometimes I feel obliged to answer their questions.   

Gina

[Jennajane]

I have only recently stopped denying to myself that I am CD, the biggest part of this and the scariest so far, was telling my wife of 12 years. My self denial made me very depressed, and my wifes acceptance has made me a new person. She had a very close friend who she confided in. My wife was going to be Godmother to her friends son, but now she knows, the friend no longer wants this. It would now appear that my beloved has lost her longest serving friend because of me, that makes me feel really bad.

[Cassandra]

Jennajane,

I as many of us here are far too familiar with this scenario. My wife had someone very close tell her we were no longer welcome and I felt angry and very sad about this. I felt it was my fault although I can't help who I am. I told my wife that perhaps she was better off without me. She however told me that she did not come all this way with me these many years to throw it all away because of this person.

They later recanted and said only I was not welcome and that was an improvement. Unfortunately this person found out about it from someone who knows them and knew about me. They did not intend harm they just thought they would be accepting so I hold them blameless in the matter. Perhaps now they understand why only the TS or in your case CD should be the one to tell others.

I wish I could tell you that your wifes friend will come around but I do not know them and could make no such assertions. However know that you are not alone, and this is part of the pain that is involved in coming out. Be sure to communicate with your wife so she can understand better and remain supportive. You are not the only one involved here so be sympathetic to how those who support you are feeling and thier needs as well.

Good Journey,


Cassie

[Shelley]

Hi Jennajane,

I too am a CD and think you have taken one of the biggest steps forward you can make. Self acceptance is one of the most important aspects of moving forward. Self denial is a painful and debilatating path to follow.

Unfortunately you have also learned the hard way that not all are as accepting as we would like. As Cassie said this person may or may not come around. That is there choice and likely to be outside of the sphere of you rinfluence.

One thing your wife and yourself should consider is whether you need to tell others. I was forced to come out to someone because I was being outed to that person. That personis no longer in my life. At the time I was so relieved that someone I loved  new I just let it all gush forth. I considered coming out to many more but the reaction of that person held me back. Now I'm glad I didn't tell others as it is difficult to tell who will accept and who won't and it can be a painful process finding out. My advice for yourself and your wife is to slow down take it easy and explore this new discovery and decide if and when you wish to share this side of you.

So goodluck Jennajane and I look forward to sharing with you through these forums. Your wife may also be interested in joining us and looking through the significant other posts. You will probably benefit from going through the WIKI to enhance your understanding of the subject areas and terminologies you both are now part of.

So welcome to you both

Shelley