(i know its kind of a lot, but it is worth it to read!!)
The two in the morning, the world is fixed
our legs dangle over the skyscrapers
that mock mountains
skyscrapers built
on rivers that wet duck feathers
ducks with families
in a circle, quacking at the swans
from the shore
waiting for the sun to rise, because no one can see the
words written on the wall
by a poet, who died later that day, no one knew that
the words were there, but deep down inside
they echoed in the hearts of million
he wrote of the goddess
his sandals were lost somewhere in the tundras
but oh, were they truly his?
thirteen quacks rose his introspection, on nebula girl's
pink rosary
my hands make the signs for shadow bunnies
hopping into
burrows
and so the sun crept out over the world, the words were illuminated
the ducks saw them, i saw them, the villagers saw them
we rejoiced
the goddess was pleased
she was in all of us, our hearts, always the unknown, the resting
one, in our naps, laying by the bed, glasses and restaurant mints
from the bohemian lifestyle that is so coveted
in this age
I fan out the papers the hobo gave to me, who spoke so much of
the strings
ringing, tingling, that the shopping centers had become our instruments
I was awed, the canary lives again
in bird guide days, hands outstretched on the loft
singing gaily, hoisting nutrition into the world
in clever, good tasting, forms and formulas
man became more like the minerals we so puzzled over
watching the animals graze, goddess, gaia, spoke of tao
our legs dangling from the skyscrapers of ancient cities
that left us words, crunched into small letters
like a heart thats been defined as a pump
by virtue, are we the swordsmen who end in a kiss?
the happy athiest dances in the rain
the loose branch falls suddenly from the tree
striking down the cruel tyrant of the jungle
through improbability
i woke up, and everything was clearer
i put down my cigarettes, I hacked to peices my guitar
I took up the ways of a sailor
the scarf always blowing gentle in the currents
representing love unrequited
it painted my words orange and red and yellow
peeling grapefruits on hilltops for everyday
of the rest of our lives
in a race with fate as our vehicle
the sun is the canary, our eyes the gift of dreams
pulling nature from the concrete, releasing all the seams
When I, as a woman, think of the experience of my own femininity, I often am sidetracked in ideas previously present to me of what femininity is, and how it is expressed. Through the world there are many interpretations of this, from the concept of yin and yang, to ideas of gender roles, which some believe to be derived from nature itself, and from God. I do not think this is so, to me the feminine is a process, it is always changing, always a becoming. I used to sit with an artist I had befriended and his family, and this was my mantra, "Everything always changes" I had little to say, and in a large part had ignored my true nature. I found that through accentuated feminine qualities in the gross form, often I came to a place deep in myself where the polarities of my soul were able to support eachother and rise to a greater expression of what previously was not even recognized as expressable or even as a latent possibility.
In a sense, I had given birth to myself. A rebirth, and my past was forgotten, and my future was unheeded. The universe had spoken to me like a mother, and shown that I would always be loved and taken care of, though at times that love can seem tough, ultimately this is unecessary, as long as the currents of life are flowed with, and strengthened by our own actions. But these actions in turn are not our own, is 'my' finding, they are continuations of deeper patterns that have been going on in what seems to be a continuum of space and time since 'the beginning'. That actions are not our own, is a strange realization to come to, in that in findnding our true feminine natures, and celebrating them as women, both in body and in the world, we cometo embody the role of mother, through the creative energies working within. The child that arises from this process is one of our own unexpressed potential, indeed an echo, which is a call in itself, more like a repeated word, or chain in the genetic process. Like a fuzzy hat that was home knitted, and made in a pleasing shape, women are simple and smiling, and we can be ourselves in this world, now just be letting ourselves free. Allowing what comes to pass, and listening as well as speaking to our brothers and sisters and in betweens that we may begin to pass more freely through our ideas that have solidified over the years. Like children again, there is a feeling I have sometimes that I associate with my inner woman, that is linked to the joy of childhood, and its reciprical experience with the far away and large world of adults. In truth, my own rise to adulthood has been in many ways a return to childishness. This can be interpreted in many ways.
That my spirit chose to incarnate in a male body very much aware of its innate female predisposition I interpret as a cosmic joke of the most paradoxical order, a simple twist of fate, that again sends distinctions reeling and confuses everyone in my life.
It seems the trickster and comedian of life knows me from way back and returns now to play this joke, the punchline perfect and hitting at all levels. In turn, I laugh! Though sometimes I laugh so hard that I cry, and true sadness does grow, it is also the full sadness of joy. And in turn it seems this quality of joking life comes to live through me in my actions. Little I have done over the past 10 years of my life, since I began to express my calling to live as a woman in the community, has been marked by any pretense of conventional seriousness, or forboding promise, but more of a simple lightness that makes my life easier, and the life of those around me easier. Often I converse with a bunny in my head, before they go running off into the woods. I try to figure out why the appear in my life, and how it is all connected, because that is was everyone seems to say, and we all seem to be mapping out the connections yet if we were to see it all in once glance perhaps we wouldn't have a thing to do anymore.
Men and boys often come to me, feeling some attraction, and then are put off by the fact that they cannot accept what they see is an illusion. And so thus I am brought to a state of novelty, it becomes wierd, at times, and at times it is as graceful and flowing as life itself, as it should be, but I always have this awkward nature, that is instilled in me by my years on this planet, which seems to always come around right even through times of 'not knowing what to do'.
Indeed, when I put on a dress or a skirt, sometimes I feel like I'm comprimising by entire stance, which is most readily sympathized with by the ecofeminist movement, but at the same time I evoke the mysteries of the ancients, and know that in my really is where all power lies. The power of a soul in blossom, as all of us are in every moment of our lives. But the more we hold on to out of fear that it would be destroyed, the less comes our way. So I let it go, I walk around in the rivers, I cry, I cut my hair, let it grow back, dream of marrying one day, though when I think about it I'd rather just fall madly in love and be swept away by the wonder of it all.
Blessed be!
legalize pot and gay marriage, love the earth!
Case in point being, I am a woman because its fun, also because I am what I am, and thats what I feel like. I first knew I was a woman, when I began to do ballet in elementary school, and then on and on through my life, recently it became a huge crisis. But through the strength that is naturally in me I overcame these things, honestly they just were small dramas in the greater scope of my existence. I feel like its been a spiritual thing, and has connected me to people who seem to go through similar processes but I can't connect with them, because I am not a speaker, I am a listener, and a writer. I am one who goes behind the scenes, underground, this is because I was an only child, because I come from space and was sent to save this planet. When I speak to trees, which serve as the antennae connectors to my home planet, they relay to be sacred healing knowledge which I then pass on to the next one I see and so forth, so that eventually it comes back to the trees through the roots, yes through the very soil because it effects even the exhaust and out breathings that build up our rainclouds. I then laugh at this story that is neither here nor there, and I quite seriously and meticulously begin to question my self and my place in the world, I've been recieving these messages for a long time and also seem to be in a place where they show me truths, that I cannot deny, yet I can totally empathize with another's denial of them, because they are truths central to my own being. I think the key is to see with a transpersonal view, that this I is really just another manifestation coming from the center of all things, the heart of the universe, that all beings flow to and from.
So I am able to put down the idea of being an alien, and live in another paradigm, where I am a fairy, which melds quickly into my true identity as a female human being, whose spirit is an algamation of all the elements in all things. Thats just who I am, and in knowing this all is right. I have become the artist, who I so sat with, saying everything always changes.
So what is it all about? Its about reclaiming our own lives, and dreams from definitions imposed upon us by others. These definitions quickly become outdated as they solidify, and as consciousness rises in the world today and more people seem to be experiencing what some call 'a shift' the very solidity is the thing that makes them sometimes more of a boundary than something to bounce off of. The world changes too fast, as do our definition to be always anchored back to the same paradigms, because the very paradigms become innacurate representations of our reality, which then we change ourselves to fit into.
But being able to find the means to express the new paradigm instead of falling into old ones, is something that I think we are beginning to be able to do better, and it is the goal of wantism, and what fuels existence in many ways. To always be able to truly express, what sometimes cannot be said, but it simply there. Possible we will find language as a whole shifting, and an ultimate return to the old, in a new light, where the form is the same, but the context is entirely different, in virtue with nature's cyclical nature, or not, i don't really know.
In the end, i think its not really something that will happen solely through our efforts, but something that is be a gradual happening in itself, of which was are part.
Post Merge: August 30, 2009, 06:53:14 PM
all the people i've ever befriended were imaginary or liars, fading quickly into oblivion, my black heart, oh, fate, oh end this peacefully,where is the answer? there is a slow going, this rope is nothing, this face is nothing, i am the box out of which came nothing. so <not allowed>.
there was a bike out there, so what?
lying in a mattress under a tree, touching myself
for what?
crying like a child, the charcoal splattering in my face, again, the moon is unreal
these speakers drip from a warming deep in the room
deep, deeper, this house, the world
the people, their enactments, who governs it all? i've seen the socks sprawled across the floor
and made the omelettes for the angels in apartment b6
god was there, the ladies know
the ladies answer
in tapestries koreans, speaking a language strange to these ears
these weeks and ends, breaks and bends, when will I be free? my friend says go to the doctors
I feel my heart breaking, she has left me in a fortress of oak
unable to talk, unable to smoke
my back broke
tended by elves, who would sing to themselves this song
i never heard before
about health in the orange and heaven in an apple core, opened the door in my mind
its been like the all the time
only when i'm drunk do i tend to call
bending to all I ran from at my birth, now that its quieter i understand the call
I'm enlightened, ecstasy is a word that i learned
it was in all the books that i'd read and my mind would burn with love
and what was it?
again, i wrote into a hole that was filled with snakes
and i laid there waiting for the dude to shoot me, unaware...
<not allowed> it, leave it be, end it
love... i dont know what to say
i don't know what to say love
these words held me for a while, love
ever since i had left them
this language held me for a while ,love
like a cozy mitten then i could grasp
the keys.. i have only the degrees of what ive learned
and my self is so forgotten like the milk in an urn on the shelf of your closet where i left you that note about runoacs
why do you expect me to always have a response?
and expect me to always say this is nice?
it is what it is leave me alone, in my hole, that is not what you call it, you do not see what is real
where i live, how you live upon me like a tree grows on my bosom
and i say hey, connected the words from three different books to look
like anything what you said you were, shadow...
i know where i am going, seeing through words, seeing through dreams
seeing through beams
to fairy tales, i know where i am going
to an illustrated picture on a flat page between many more pages
to pour into the heads of someone curious and avidd
i know that i am free i know that i am loved there
not needing anything
do you know that i cannot explain this
take you bowls and plates and arrange them to look like canvases from which you can etch your pains
into pleasures, the plastic fork broke when you drove over it,
just as the golden age rose again upon my land, and our hands were joined between them in some marriage of the sexes
you held me like the moon does the night, slipping away into the times when I called out other things because i didn't know
I was a looseleaf ecstasy girl, a rain maker, celibate caller, cool nun nonchalant seeker
on your notepad waiting for a growl
our days were so lonely, again you leave me
i can't come back here anymore, knowing these words may be deadly
knowing i fall from my true path
knowing i am like the leaves
and the months are like glass
empty, only no one understood then and no one ever will
the live i go through what brings this to that
no one will understand me or will they understand you
driving this universe into its own verse
like a poet i am scattered
my mind is batter for birds to walk through, the same images, coalescing
melding
divine light shines through me, through every waking actions
i know that i love you it cannot be replaced
i know that i love you, that you do exist
idunna care who hears it
idunna care where it lies
Idunna care if it leave me alone
still i am, the voice from the void
the words on the wall
facing every hour, sitting off, clatter of rocks
morning haiku
peaceful zen monk walks away
in the arms of the beloved
thanks..
i understand now, i was so frustrated at everything, then i went to sleep and then all these fairies came to me and they healed me and put all this light into me and i took fairy form and went with them to the woods, where they lived in the trees in treehouses that humans usually cant see, because fairies are kind of from another dimension!!! ha
so I met one fairy and we talked and he was saying that he liked me and i liked him, but it was just being nice, but he was good. and we danced around this fairy and everyone kind of went crazy and everything melted into eachother and we were this ball of white light... and it was everything but it was also so small and we came back to my human body and put more light in it then we were water and we went into this cup and this guy drank us and pissed us out into the sewer.. and it was a huge labyrinth but it was like why confine urself to the material, this will get you no where!
so it all dissapeared and i felt like i was dying, like the whole time.. and this green fairy was like you need to live, and i was actually helping one out, it was me who was saying the you need to live to a kind of old sad blue fairy who was lying in bed. and i said i won't let you die, even though ive been where you are, im not going to let you, but then i did, and we both died... and we returned back to the entire universe... and it was just the green fairy and the blackness and they were two peices of myself i saw that, myself.. maybe the world.. the positive and negative and the green fairy spoke and the blackness said nothing... and i realized the blackness was mundane and the fairy was magical.. and finally it came back it was like a split in myself the green and black.. and i realized it was the mundane and magical parts of myself.. it was aisha and also it was d. i'm realizing now that i'm not just a girl. i'm two spirit, both of these spirits live in me.. and perhaps before i really did die, and the old me is gone, and now this body is just a vessel for these two energies to express their love and now they can come out freely as what they truly are! two spirit, thats why i can't find anyone really, because i am in love with the other half of myself, yet i didn't want to talk about it, because it seemed crazy, i have to start acknoweldging it... its not only native americans that can be two spirit, its anyone who goes through this experience authentically (and has a true understanding of what it really means and how its different from transgendered and has more spiritual context than androgynous).. just like its not only celtic who can see fairies... especially those of us in cultures with no terms for these things, this is useful, end the racism, all cultures have something to add... thats one thing i wish my family could do... because we are connected we are all a family we come from the same source, the wind and trees are equally your cousins brothers and sisters and the mailman, the hermit and the biker girl.. we are all in these world together, going through a process of love!
thank you all.. and peace
http://www.drakeinnerprizes.com/TwoSpirit/index.htmhttp://www.guidancetochangeyourlife.com/twospiritnativepeople.html
