Came out to my (general) therapist... Mostly frustrating. >:(

[GamerJames]

I know I have a habit of rambling, so I'll try to keep this as short as I can (for me at least), or at least not *too* long, but I'll fill in some of the background for those of you who haven't read my other posts...

I've been seeing my therapist for about three and a half years. During this time I had never mentioned to her any issues/questioning to do with my gender identity. I had enough other things to deal with, and honestly I wasn't facing my gender issues *myself* even, so I didn't know to bring it up. I had already incorrectly assumed for most of my life that since I am in a girl's body I have to be a girl, and since I'm not "manly" or masculine enough, I couldn't possibly be trans. Especially since I hadn't always known my whole life that I was trapped in the wrong body, etc.

So, fast forward to the past little while, where I have now been exploring what it means to be FTM, and finding that instead of reasons that I can't possibly be, I'm noticing more and more ways in which I relate. And what it ultimately comes down to is that I have always felt like a guy, and I've just justified it this way and that way. Now that I've been allowing myself to express my gender outwardly, I feel more connected to myself, more comfortable, confident, etc.

And yesterday was the first time I talked to my therapist about it.

Overall, she seemed to want to understand what I'm going through, and didn't necessarily try to "dissuade" me perse, but she also seemed overly interested in exploring what emotional issues this new development is a symptom of, or what I'm trying to use this role to figure out about myself, such as "Do you think that this is a way to escape the role of a victim that women are seen as in society, and to escape the victimization you've been through?" "Do you feel that acting as a man gives you a sense of power that you felt unworthy of claiming for yourself as a woman?" Ugh...

I told her that it's not about those things, I gave the same examples I've given to all of you about the little things growing up that were different, and the ways that I didn't relate to girls the way I related to guys, and so on. I told her about wanting to pee standing up, being disappointed when I found out that my clit wasn't going to turn into a penis, the way I can look in my own eyes in the mirror now and really *see* myself now that I'm aware who's really in there staring back at me. But I also admitted how since I was seen as a girl, I always tried to live up to that, and "do well" at being a girl, etc.

And then she said "I believe that people who are transgender have always known this about themselves and have always felt that they were in the wrong body"...

It's bad enough that she's reiterating many of the arguments I used on myself when I was in denial about my internal gender, but what's worse is that in the face of this, I forgot all of my rational responses and was just frustrated that I couldn't explain how I just "know" that this is who I am. I didn't want to seem irrational and be like "I just know" because I felt that I needed to explain it logically and intellectually, but I lost the ability to do so when clouded with such frustration.

When I said that I've been on some support forums and have learned that not everyone has "always known" (but that yes, some people did always know), she didn't brush that off, she apologized for not knowing much about this issue and said that she's willing to learn. By the end of the session it seemed that she didn't necessarily believe or disbelieve, but she wants to see if there are other issues responsible etc, and see how it goes.

I still left very frustrated that I couldn't explain myself or get my point across, but I also understand that it's probably "prudent" to make sure that I'm not deluding myself due to some other issues, blah blah blah. That being said, I think I'm going to have an uphill battle educating her, but I'm not willing to change shrinks yet either. I've developed a 3+ year relationship with her, and she knows my other "issues" and whatever. So, I guess now I just want resources to help educate her.

I've tried looking for info, but I don't know what info is reliable and what info just goes by old models and stereotypes, you know?

I'm trying not to let this get to me and make me doubt myself. After my session I went for coffee with a good friend and expressed all of what I've discovered about myself these past few weeks. Hearing myself reiterate these points really helped me shake off the doubt, but I don't know if it might rear its head at some low point in the future.

Okay, okay, get to the point, B... Why am I telling you all this? What advice do I want?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe some suggestions about how to educate my shrink, maybe some reassurance that others have gone through this, I don't know. I couldn't just keep spinning the wheels in my head, so I came here and puked it all up on the page.

Sorry for the mess (and the length, despite my promise I'd keep it short this time)...

{clean up on aisle 6}

[Nero]

The 'always known' thing is certainly subjective. I mean, what does 'always known' mean exactly?
If it means one always knew they were trans, that leaves out the huge percentage of children who had never heard of transsexuals.
If it means one always knew they were in the wrong body, that assumes the person was able to suspend belief in face of overwhelming physical evidence. I may have been able to do this at a very early age, but certainly by kindergarten I understood that I had to wear a skirt and was what people called a girl. I suspect that most the 'always knowns' like myself are referring to very early childhood before they saw the evidence stacked against them. That or they always had knowledge about transsexualism.

[sd]

It sounds like she wants to tackle what she knows, and just leave your TG issues as a side issue. If she ignores it, maybe it will go away.

I would try and find a therapist who specializes in TG. All should be able to handle your other problems for the most part (most likely), but having a specialist will understand what parts are related to TG and which aren't and how best to handle it. If it was only TG, I would say you could just stay with her and probably find your way through, and while I won't say TG issues are more important than the others, a lot of the others can be related to it and once you deal with your G.I.D., the rest will fade out on their own. She will be working from the other direction, working out your other issues, then dealing with your G.I.D.  I could be wrong, that is how it sounds to me.

Her having no prior experience, she may be of no real help, and could end up rushing you, or holding you back.

[GamerJames]

The 'always known' thing is certainly subjective. I mean, what does 'always known' mean exactly?

You know what? I think I really needed to hear this. Thanks Nero, you always have a way of skirting the bullsh*t and telling it like it is. I totally appreciate that about you.

It sounds like she wants to tackle what she knows, and just leave your TG issues as a side issue. If she ignores it, maybe it will go away.

I do think that she's trying to tackle this like she tackles the stuff she knows, but I don't think she's trying to ignore it or hold me back. I think she just doesn't realize how different GID is from psychological "issues" and that it requires different handling. But I do trust that she wants to learn.



I think now that I'm not freaking out about how frustrating it was (thanks largely to both of you guys responding), I'm more thinking along the lines of "what info can I give her to get her up to speed". Should I give her the HBIGDA SOC for GID v6? Or is there a newer/better/broader standard I should introduce her to instead, or some other completely different type of resource, etc.

See, I don't want her to just rely on talking to her colleagues, because who even knows if *they're* properly informed?!? Maybe they think they know something about GID, but maybe what they know is incorrect or out of date?

That way, if I at least give her some info that I know the trans-community trusts, then it's probably not going to come back and bite me in the ass. If she finds info however that is contradictory to what we know about ourselves, I'm afraid she might try to "cure" me. I'd rather be well armed, but I don't know what the best ammunition is.

Any suggestions guys?

[sd]

I was hoping Nichole would have chimed in here by now.  She would probably have soem good answers for you on this part especially.


The current D.S.M. should probably be the best place to start, if she is decent that is where she will start, but reading a few things by others wouldn't hurt. The problem is going to be what she reads. If she starts reading things from Zucker or Bailey, watch out, and there is a chance that she will. If you have been reading at all yourself, undoubtedly you have seen that there is at least as much bad information as there is good information.

If she follows the S.O.C. you will get through transition, and in terms of therapy, you are fine with her. The one thing you will be missing is anything she will have learned from others, which can be considerable, however with this place and others on the net, you should be okay. Again, my worry is that she will want to deal with what she knows first (let's just deal with this, then we can work on that...). Regardless, if they are connected to your G.I.D. issues.

[Randy]

The 'always known' thing is certainly subjective. I mean, what does 'always known' mean exactly?
If it means one always knew they were trans, that leaves out the huge percentage of children who had never heard of transsexuals.
If it means one always knew they were in the wrong body, that assumes the person was able to suspend belief in face of overwhelming physical evidence. I may have been able to do this at a very early age, but certainly by kindergarten I understood that I had to wear a skirt and was what people called a girl. I suspect that most the 'always knowns' like myself are referring to very early childhood before they saw the evidence stacked against them. That or they always had knowledge about transsexualism.

Yes, very true. I didn't come of the womb shouting "I'm a transsexual!!!!"  . It was mostly a feeling of being different, of wanting to do what the boys could do, and as I got older, having undeniable envy of their bodies. I couldn't find a label to slap onto it until I was 11 or 12.

But anyway, my point is, don't let anyone (even your therapist) give you a reason why you're not really trans. You're the only one who can determine that, no matter when you figured it out. I went through months of that with my parents and sometimes with myself.

"Oh, you never did this as a kid, so you can't possible be transgender" or
"Real trans men like women" or
"Real trans men like sports"
etc, etc, etc

Unfortunately my first and only therapist is knowledgeable on trans issues so I don't really have experience with one who isn't, but I'll second your suggestion on introducing her to the SOC. They've got to start somewhere right? I think mine started out that way... (with a trans patient who wanted hormones). Also, maybe you could discuss with her how you feel about your identity being thought of a symptom of something else? And the reasons why you feel you need to transition. This might make a more convincing argument than citing cross-gender behaviors from your childhood. If I put myself in her shoes, I might be wondering why you haven't ever brought it up in 3 years of therapy, assume it's a recent development and therefore systematic of something else. Or maybe she's just trying to see if you're serious?? IDK, I'm not a therapist  just a thought.

[tekla]

Warning - far too blunt.

Face it most of the people in here who do 'therapy' are not interested in therapy at all, they want a letter or a recommendation and that's that.  The therapist who sees you knows that, and does not care.  Your need for T/E and an operation = a vacation house on Maui.  Even exchange.

So now you're in a situation which by your own admission: During this time I had never mentioned to her any issues/questioning to do with my gender identity. I had enough other things to deal with, and honestly I wasn't facing my gender issues *myself* even, so I didn't know to bring it up. I had already incorrectly assumed for most of my life that since I am in a girl's body I have to be a girl, and since I'm not "manly" or masculine enough, I couldn't possibly be trans. Especially since I hadn't always known my whole life that I was trapped in the wrong body, etc.

So, you lied to yourself, and sure as hell did not tell the truth to the therapist.  The result?  Your no closer to finding anything out, but her/his house on Maui at least has a kitchen.

I also understand that it's probably "prudent" to make sure that I'm not deluding myself due to some other issues, blah blah blah.
Which does seem wise to me.  If you are thinking 'because I'm a failure at being X, it must mean I'm Y, is not true.  That you fail at one thing does not equate to success at another.

By 'educate her' do you mean 'get her to say what I want'?  Is that therapy, or just buying an agreement?  And a house on Maui you will never vacation at?

[sneakersjay]

I went through the same thing with my therapist who I'd been seeing for >3 yrs.  At first she said it made sense, then she said she was willing to learn and help, but by the 3rd visit after coming out to her she basically in not so many words told me to go back into the closet and stay there (with the tired arguments about losing everything -- job, family, friends, kids, etc).

Needless to say I found a gender therapist and that was the end of that. Esp. when the person I found (one who trains therapists on gender issues) had not been contacted after I gave her his info (ie she did NOT really want to educate herself).


Jay

[K8]

And then she said "I believe that people who are transgender have always known this about themselves and have always felt that they were in the wrong body"...

I am too lady-like to respond to this, but it's initials are B S.

I am seeing a general therapist who was extremely helpful to me through a difficult period of my life completely unrelated to my gender issues.  Once most of that was settled (more or less ) our sessions moved to my gender issues.  My therapist doesn't have a lot of experience with this.  Sometimes I would feel that I had gotten ahead of her, but at the next session she had caught up and was again helpful.

Give your therapist a few more sessions to educate herself.  If she doesn't keep up, start looking for someone who can be helpful in this next phase of your life.  She should find the SOC and more for herself.  You shouldn't have to force-feed her.

- Kate

[GamerJames]

Hey everyone, sorry I've been missing for awhile... Real life has been keeping me pretty busy. lol ;P

I have seen my shrink again since I first posted this, and I did feel a lot more able to express myself this last time, however she still seems to doubt the veracity and permanence of this new "issue" and wants to question and prod and "make sure it's not a reaction to something else" etc.

Have any of you experienced this, either with a general therapist or a gender therapist? Should I be glad that she's vetting my motivations and rest assured knowing that once she's satisfied with the truth of my situation I'll have some sort of definitive "answer" to back me up? Or should I be wary of her need to test me on this and qualify how I express my gender identity?

Anyhow, on to the responses. I really appreciate the time you each took to give me your thoughts.

I was hoping Nichole would have chimed in here by now.  She would probably have soem good answers for you on this part especially.


The current D.S.M. should probably be the best place to start, if she is decent that is where she will start, but reading a few things by others wouldn't hurt. The problem is going to be what she reads. If she starts reading things from Zucker or Bailey, watch out, and there is a chance that she will. If you have been reading at all yourself, undoubtedly you have seen that there is at least as much bad information as there is good information.

If she follows the S.O.C. you will get through transition, and in terms of therapy, you are fine with her. The one thing you will be missing is anything she will have learned from others, which can be considerable, however with this place and others on the net, you should be okay. Again, my worry is that she will want to deal with what she knows first (let's just deal with this, then we can work on that...). Regardless, if they are connected to your G.I.D. issues.

I do think that's she's trying to deal with what she knows, but not in the sense of "let's deal with your other issues first"... more in the sense of trying to deal with this almost like it's "just any other issue" which bothers me because this isn't some sort of defense I've developed to deal with life, or a response to how I feel about myself due to my other issues, etc. But like I mentioned above, I'm not sure if I should be appreciative of her thoroughness, or question her methodology.

Yes, very true. I didn't come of the womb shouting "I'm a transsexual!!!!"  . It was mostly a feeling of being different, of wanting to do what the boys could do, and as I got older, having undeniable envy of their bodies. I couldn't find a label to slap onto it until I was 11 or 12.

But anyway, my point is, don't let anyone (even your therapist) give you a reason why you're not really trans. You're the only one who can determine that, no matter when you figured it out. I went through months of that with my parents and sometimes with myself.

"Oh, you never did this as a kid, so you can't possible be transgender" or
"Real trans men like women" or
"Real trans men like sports"
etc, etc, etc

Unfortunately my first and only therapist is knowledgeable on trans issues so I don't really have experience with one who isn't, but I'll second your suggestion on introducing her to the SOC. They've got to start somewhere right? I think mine started out that way... (with a trans patient who wanted hormones). Also, maybe you could discuss with her how you feel about your identity being thought of a symptom of something else? And the reasons why you feel you need to transition. This might make a more convincing argument than citing cross-gender behaviors from your childhood. If I put myself in her shoes, I might be wondering why you haven't ever brought it up in 3 years of therapy, assume it's a recent development and therefore systematic of something else. Or maybe she's just trying to see if you're serious?? IDK, I'm not a therapist  just a thought.

I do understand why she'd be thrown by the fact that in three years of therapy I hadn't yet brought this point up, but the thing is, I've been dealing with a lot of (for lack of a better phrase) "more pressing" issues during that time, and I feel that now that I've shed some of those heavier layers, this one has now come to the surface. As I've dealt with some of these issues over the years, I've gotten to know myself better, and recently what I've gotten to know about myself is that this gender identity of mine has been pushed under the surface all along, just like many other facets of myself had been until they were each revealed in turn. It's simply that this facet of myself is now "taking its turn" so to speak.

Warning - far too blunt.

Face it most of the people in here who do 'therapy' are not interested in therapy at all, they want a letter or a recommendation and that's that.  The therapist who sees you knows that, and does not care.  Your need for T/E and an operation = a vacation house on Maui.  Even exchange.

So now you're in a situation which by your own admission: During this time I had never mentioned to her any issues/questioning to do with my gender identity. I had enough other things to deal with, and honestly I wasn't facing my gender issues *myself* even, so I didn't know to bring it up. I had already incorrectly assumed for most of my life that since I am in a girl's body I have to be a girl, and since I'm not "manly" or masculine enough, I couldn't possibly be trans. Especially since I hadn't always known my whole life that I was trapped in the wrong body, etc.

So, you lied to yourself, and sure as hell did not tell the truth to the therapist.  The result?  Your no closer to finding anything out, but her/his house on Maui at least has a kitchen.

I also understand that it's probably "prudent" to make sure that I'm not deluding myself due to some other issues, blah blah blah.
Which does seem wise to me.  If you are thinking 'because I'm a failure at being X, it must mean I'm Y, is not true.  That you fail at one thing does not equate to success at another.

By 'educate her' do you mean 'get her to say what I want'?  Is that therapy, or just buying an agreement?  And a house on Maui you will never vacation at?

Don't worry about being too blunt with me, I'd rather hear what people really think and deal with the aftermath of how it makes me feel than to just be placated with sugar-coated reassurances without actually getting anywhere in the process. So I appreciate your comments, and even more your questions, they really force me to think about the answers. Which I guess is quite similar to the whole therapy process, and even the point of support groups/forums like this too.

So, on to your comments/questions. I didn't originally start seeing my therapist for the purpose of acquiring T or for a surgery letter. I first sought therapy because I had grown up being abused (sexually, physically, mentally) by my step-father from the ages of 11 - 18. When I finally stopped hiding the abuse from my mom, and moreso myself (at the late-blooming age of 26) it opened a floodgate of emotional problems that I was finally ready to face, including the "new" problems it created (my mom left my step-dad as soon as I told her, which was a good thing, but not without its own complications). As I mentioned somewhere above, as I shed layers of repression (the abuse, being married to a man at the time although I was/am primarily attracted to women, guilt at breaking up my childrens' home for "selfish" reasons such as being myself, self-esteem issues related to all the other stuff, etc.) I learned more about myself with each new discovery, up-to-and-including this newest discovery.

Also, my therapist works for a program through the local teaching hospital. It's free for me (covered by provincial health benefits), and she doesn't get paid per hour or per client. She is a salaried employee, who mainly deals with assessing intakes into the program, who then go on to see masters' students for their therapy. When I was assessed, "the powers that be" decided to keep me with the experienced therapist rather than to put me with a student. So essentially, whether I am there or not has no effect on her pay or any potential vacation houses in Maui or elsewhere. lol

But on to the crux of your response: am I just expecting my shrink to confirm my identity or in other words "tell me what I want to hear". The short answer: no. The long answer: Basically I don't really care what she thinks my gender identity is, as I do feel confident enough that unearthing this knowledge about myself has been a long time coming and is the product of getting to know my authentic self, rather than the product of developing a defense against problems in my life.

The reason I'm interesting in educating my therapist is less to do with her opinion, and more to do with still being interested in exploring my life, getting to know myself, and having a place to go to do so in a safe and productive way. Just because I've figured out this new facet of myself does not mean I have no further learning left. In order to continue doing that in a way that will be sincere and allow me to progress, I need to include my therapist in this aspect of my identity. Pushing it aside and just trying to deal with everything else wouldn't help me any more than just "hearing what I want to hear" would.

I went through the same thing with my therapist who I'd been seeing for >3 yrs.  At first she said it made sense, then she said she was willing to learn and help, but by the 3rd visit after coming out to her she basically in not so many words told me to go back into the closet and stay there (with the tired arguments about losing everything -- job, family, friends, kids, etc).

Needless to say I found a gender therapist and that was the end of that. Esp. when the person I found (one who trains therapists on gender issues) had not been contacted after I gave her his info (ie she did NOT really want to educate herself).


Jay

It's sad to hear what happened with your therapist and I really do hope that doesn't end up the case with this therapist. Especially since the only gender therapist in my area has an 18 month+ waiting list. But if I have to move on to someone who can better help me, I will. Before that though I'm going to try my best to salvage and maintain the relationship I've built with this shrink. Who knows if I'll be able to, but I'll give it a good go at least.

I am too lady-like to respond to this, but it's initials are B S.

I am seeing a general therapist who was extremely helpful to me through a difficult period of my life completely unrelated to my gender issues.  Once most of that was settled (more or less ) our sessions moved to my gender issues.  My therapist doesn't have a lot of experience with this.  Sometimes I would feel that I had gotten ahead of her, but at the next session she had caught up and was again helpful.

Give your therapist a few more sessions to educate herself.  If she doesn't keep up, start looking for someone who can be helpful in this next phase of your life.  She should find the SOC and more for herself.  You shouldn't have to force-feed her.

- Kate

That's my hope Kate. I really do hope my patience and her willingness will go hand in hand to allow our work to include my gender identity rather than either pushing it aside or worse trying to "cure" it. I'm really glad to hear that you've experienced success in doing this. That gives me hope!


Anyhow all, it's late here and I should get going, but thank you all again for your insight and relating the experiences you've been through. Please feel free to respond to anything I've added here, I always welcome further scrutiny, it helps me immensely.

[Deanna_Renee]

James, I thought I would toss my 2 cents into the pot.

I have just started seeing a therapist, last week, to address my GID issues. As far as the "always known" scenario, I have always known that there was something different, something that just didn't fit right with me. I have been cross-dressing since long before puberty, though I didn't "KNOW" why, I just had some kind of need. I have never had normal relationships with boys or girls, never knew why, I just didn't fit. I have known - by being told - that I was a boy, because I had the equipment, what else could I be, I knew that was wrong, but I didn't know why. I have always known that I was not right, I believed myself to be a freak. I had been taught that cross-dressers were gays, I knew I wasn't gay, I didn't like other boys, but I still needed to wear girls clothes. It never occurred to me the absurdity of cross-dressers being gay, but as a kid what did I know. As I grew up these feelings never waned, in fact they grew ever more prevalent, I continued to fight it, because I wasn't gay.

A few weeks ago I discovered Susan's and, like you, started reading through the forums, reading the wiki, reading as much as I could about GID, transgender and transsexual issues and evaluations, I read everything I could. I knew, finally, that I have always "known" that I was dysphoric, what I didn't know was that there was such a thing as dysphoria and that what I have always known wasn't only in MY head, that many others feel similar ways.

So, why am I just now bringing this up? after 47 years? Because I have only just found out what I've known for 47 years. It's not a new condition, its not a new response to some external event, it's not a defense mechanism to cope with some other trauma, it is because I have always been this way. Whether I am mis-wired, or a DNA strand got tied the wrong way, whatever. The why is not important to me, what is important is what I and my therapist are going to do to deal with it for the future.

I am very fortunate that my therapist is a transman and therefore knows and is respectful of what I am feeling/experiencing and will be able to work with me and guide me through whatever course of action turns out to be in my best interest. Whether that involves dealing with things and leaving it at that, or partial or complete transitioning.

It sounds to me that your therapist is concerned enough to educate herself and learn something about GID in order to better care for you and help herself to better understand what GID is all about. I think it is a good thing that she is questioning you and prompting you to explore your true feelings to get to the root of this condition and perhaps determine how it is or could be linked to some or all of the other issues you have been dealing with. I know for me, many of my life's problems can be closely associated to my GID and how I have been dealing with it - or not dealing with it. My personal hatred of myself has resulted in a lot of problems.

Give her a chance to learn with you and you may find out that her pressing you may just be the best thing for you. But, if you don't feel she is making that headway, find yourself a therapist who is experienced with GID issues and see if that may work out better for you.

I wish you well James. 

Deanna

[Arch]

I have seen my shrink again since I first posted this, and I did feel a lot more able to express myself this last time, however she still seems to doubt the veracity and permanence of this new "issue" and wants to question and prod and "make sure it's not a reaction to something else" etc.

Have any of you experienced this, either with a general therapist or a gender therapist? Should I be glad that she's vetting my motivations and rest assured knowing that once she's satisfied with the truth of my situation I'll have some sort of definitive "answer" to back me up? Or should I be wary of her need to test me on this and qualify how I express my gender identity?

I have never experienced this with a therapist. I never told ANY of my former therapists about my gender issues. When I was younger, I kept everything nicely compartmentalized, I didn't realize that my "perversions" were relevant, and I didn't want to talk about them anyway because I thought of them as, well, freaky perversions. When I got older and found out about FTMs, I hoped that one therapist would figure it out or ask pertinent questions, but he never did. By the time I got to the next guy, I was in denial again. And he was so incompetent that I swore off therapy for life.

Fortunately, that only lasted for about fifteen years. And I am still alive.

When I got to my current therapist, who is worth his weight in platinum (a deceptive statement, as he's not a really large man), I went to him expressly for gender issues.

BUT...okay, my first reaction to what you said was sort of like this: #%^*&^%!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING! OF COURSE YOU'RE A GUY!

Then I calmed down.

Considering your history, it's probably sensible of your shrink to be cautious. Maybe give her three months. If she's not convinced by then...

Why three months? That's the minimum length of time suggested in the SOC for an HRT referral anyway.

In short, James, I think you should be glad that she is thorough and cautious, especially given your history of abuse and your history with her--of never having mentioned trans issues before, I mean. And I think you should be frustrated as hell because you know who you are.

Does that make sense?

[GamerJames]

Because I have only just found out what I've known for 47 years.

Exactly!!! I've always known, I just didn't *know* that I knew! I spent the first 30 years telling myself to ignore the elephant in the room because "nobody likes it when you rock the boat" and damned if I'm gonna wait another 30 to yell out "HELLO!?!? There's a fricken pachyderm sitting next to you on the sofa!!!!"

{ahem}

Give her a chance to learn with you and you may find out that her pressing you may just be the best thing for you. But, if you don't feel she is making that headway, find yourself a therapist who is experienced with GID issues and see if that may work out better for you.
Deanna

I definitely will give her a chance, and I do agree that her "lack of faith in the force" might end up being a good thing in the long run, because if I have to really dig deep to answer her questions, in the long run I'll know that *I've really dug deep*... You know?

Fortunately, that only lasted for about fifteen years. And I am still alive.

Ain't it crazy the sh!t we can live through and still somehow stand on the other side and say "hmm, it seemed worse at the time..."? It's a good thing us humans are so resilient, don't get me wrong, but it's bizarre to say the least.

BUT...okay, my first reaction to what you said was sort of like this: #%^*&^%!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING! OF COURSE YOU'RE A GUY!

Thanks Arch, not only did this make me LOL (for realzies) but it also gave me that feeling of acceptance and "thank god *someone* gets it" that us humans are junkies for.

In short, James, I think you should be glad that she is thorough and cautious, especially given your history of abuse and your history with her--of never having mentioned trans issues before, I mean. And I think you should be frustrated as hell because you know who you are.

Does that make sense?

This makes absolute sense, and it's basically where my brain is parked right about now. I feel a little like what's-er-face in that Sybill movie, but I somehow am simultaneously feeling: patience AND frustration, appreciation AND offense, absolute confidence AND maddening doubt... Maybe I can add a few more emotions in there and start a circus act.



I'll let you all know how tomorrow's appointment goes, until then: thanks again all for your words, and even more for the feelings behind them.

[deviousxen]

Your therapist is a retard. Her opinions are not fact... And there is no such thing as an absolute.

[GamerJames]

Okay, so I'm a little late in responding (again), but I've got great news!!

Apparently, my shrink only needed about three appointments to come to the conclusion that this isn't a phase or a defense, and that she's asked all the questions she needed to feel comfortable with just accepting this as part of who I am!

Appointment number three started off similarly to the last two, questions meant to make me reflect on my motives and really figure out how I feel about everything (which as previously discussed, I was frustrated by, but also patiently letting her vet my intentions). But by the end, instead of talking about things like "penis envy" and "wanting to enjoy the power men have in society" and "not being a victim of men, being one of them instead" and all that crap, she was instead saying things like: "So, it'll probably be a good idea for you to get on the waiting list for [the only GID psychiatrist in my province] right away since it's such a long wait" and "you might also want to find some local transpeople to connect with, either through a support group or just in the community" and "I really think your plans for coming out to your kids and responding to their adjustment is well thought out" and "we'll want to keep talking over our future sessions about how you're adjusting to all of this change too", etc.

Like... wow, hey?

[K8]

Like... wow, hey?

Yeah.  Like WOW!  

That's great, James.  You are on your way down this strange and wonderful path.  Good luck!

- Kate

[Debra]

Yah the "always known" thing is partly why I for the longest time denied I was TS. Because as I grew up I buried that stuff as soon as it showed up.

Now 27 years of burial is causing grief.

My current counselor also believes that these feelings are not gender related, that that's just how it's manifesting. He's reading books called "Female Perversions" and such.

Hence why I'm trying to find someone with transgender experience.