Since my last post in this thread, I have had my first therapy session.
Fortunately in my country (Australia) you are not told to see unqualified or what unfortunately sounds like judgmental psychologists as seems to be the case in the UK. I'm sorry to hear that your experience (Naturally Blonde) was so negative and unhelpful. What is however quite apparent from this group is that although we all share the same condition and are part of a special group of people, we are also very different in how we respond or deal with the condition. We all live in a vast diversity of cultures and backgrounds and it is natural that we will all see different ways of what to do about GID. To some like Naturally Blonde and Janet (according to her post so forgive me Janet if this is not the case), the decision is obvious and there is no need to discuss the situation with an expert. I envy that clarity of thought, I really do, but for me it is not so black and white. Therapy for me is and I hope will be a vital part of being able to be open with someone that doesn't judge and can suggest ways open to me that as yet I am not aware of. The first vital part for me was the realisation that I am now and always was a transsexual. Until that first session I was full of self doubt and confusion (I'm still confused mind you) about whether I really did suffer this or was it just something my mind had constructed. I have spent my whole life in the deluded belief that I was in control of my gender identity, that these feelings would pass and that I could, with strong will, create a normal male life for myself. That any sexual orientation issues could be controlled (and I have since learnt my confusion about my sexual identity is a common issue with transsexuals, but I am basically heterosexual) and one day I would eventually marry and have children. Boy was I wrong on just about all counts! I am well into my forties, don't have a partner and certainly don't have children. The therapist explained to me that until I am at ease with my gender identity, an intimate sexual relationship is always going to be very difficult. I am very interested to see (and slightly envious) just how many transsexuals on this forum have managed to marry and have children and later in life resolve their gender issue. I love women, I really do, but I have never managed to continue any sort of intimate relationship. I hate to say it, but sex seemed to just be painting by numbers. It is now very clear to me that I have had a female brain all my life but I was denying myself the chance of feeling female. I closeted it to the point the end result was and is, I don't know what I am now.
Getting back to the point of this thread, I cannot and am not able to resolve my problems alone. The only person I could have confided in was my mother but she is unfortunately no longer with us. This is too big for me to cope with alone, so a therapist, a well informed, nonjudgemental and qualified therapist is absolutely essential. I got to the point recently where I was concerned where my mind was heading. If I was suddenly exposed because this urge was so strong, I feared that life would not be worth living. I really thought I might take the ultimate step (which I did consider also when I went through puberty) and it really scared me! After starting to post on this forum, one of the best bits of advice I was constantly given was to seek professional help. Now I have, I am very very glad I did.
We are all very different and this whole issue is a very complexed one, but for me, my first gender therapy session was the door opening to a more contented and fulfilled life. I now realise I am not alone, I'm not mentally disturbed and am among some of the most beautiful people in the world. Instead of being ashamed about how I feel, the therapist is starting to make me see that "I am what I am and need no excuses", a beautiful quote from La Cage Aux Folles.
Love, Alexie.
