Support Groups...helpful?...or a waste of time? Other options?

[Kay]

I was wondering how many other people here have difficulty relating to the people they meet at support groups?  Or, perhaps more appropriately phrased, how many people here find support groups to be helpful to them?
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I've been to the TG support group in my city a few times over the last couple of years.  Usually there are around 12-15 people there. Most of them are regulars, with 1 or 2 new faces each time...that...like me...don't find it worthwhile enough to return with any amount of frequency.  About 90% of the regulars self-identify as TS (as opposed to CD/TV/etc).
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I guess what I find most frustrating, is the immaturity I find, and the extremely unrealistic expectations that group members have.
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As for immaturity: Most meetings generally turn into endless bouts of complaining about the same things, time and time again.  Either that, or one person will ask the group a question that is supposedly "not a big deal" to them, and when no one in the group has an opinion that person agrees with, they will monopolize the conversation for the rest of the evening trying to convince everyone that their opinion is right.
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The regulars generally express through their complaints that they want to be accepted...or treated a certain way...by society...but they don't feel that they should be obligated to follow any of society's rules to obtain such acceptance...and somehow fail to grasp the relationship between the two.  (an issue that even non-trans have to deal with)
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I could even stand the endless complaining...if it led to something.  Some action...a desire to educate those outside of the community...a resolution of self-acceptance despite society...a constructive discussion of the pertinent issues...something...anything beyond the endless b--ch sessions.
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I do understand and empathize with the situation of most of the members of the group.  Most of them are like me...late M2F transitioners that aren't particularly good physical candidates for such.  I can understand and empathize with the feelings expressed...but see little to nothing positive that comes from it.
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There is a Gay/Lesbian discussion group at the same location that meets regularly too.  While the issues are similar, I don't know them as well as those of the trans community, so often I sit silently and listen to the conversation.  And even with the lack of direct involvement in the discussion, I find the time spent much more enjoyable.  It's much akin to the difference of conversing with adults in an environment of self-structured maturity...as opposed to muddling through a relatively unstructured environment with immature children.  Perhaps not the most polite comparison (considering most of the trans individuals are age 35+), but it's the most accurate one I could come up with.
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I suppose it's the frustration of feeling alone...even among others who are supposed to be "like me."
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Has anyone else had this problem? Are all support groups like this? (perhaps I should be looking for some other sort of group?)  Any suggestions on how to find groups that might be more suitable? 
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Honestly, I wouldn't mind just finding someone relatively mature that I could share a cup of coffee with every now and then.  Topic of discussion:  open to anything...as long as it's not endless whining, complaining, and unrealistic expressions of overabundant feelings of entitlement. 
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Any tips on finding mature trans-accepting friends or groups in a medium-large city?
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Thanks.

[tekla]

Most meetings generally turn into endless bouts of complaining about the same things, time and time again.

That's all meetings, all the time, no matter where, when, or who is in them. 

they want to be accepted...or treated a certain way...by society...but they don't feel that they should be obligated to follow any of society's rules to obtain such acceptance...and somehow fail to grasp the relationship between the two.

Lots of people like that in here too.  Everywhere really.

Me, I like social groups for that reason, and if you want to meet adults acting like adults and not just bitching - find people working on political issues.

[Julie Marie]

One commonality does not make a great friend.

I know a lot of LGBT people and have become close friends to only a few.  But it's like that in every segment of human kind.  One thing in common doesn't mean you'll get along.

Kat mentions politics as an exception.  You could maybe throw religion in there too.  And both are something that many people are passionate about.

Julie

[tekla]

Well I mentioned political stuff because it's always done on a time line - legislative sessions, elections - so there is an immediate deal to the work that precludes too much sitting around and bitching, and a lot of focus on getting stuff done.

[Cindy]

I went to a TG support group and found a few friends that I still meet. I gave up on the regular club meetings as I did not particularly relate to the issues. But it has certainly helped me come out and be me. There was nothing like having another TG friend to meet in a club and get used to be in the general community.

Every one to what they are comfortable with as usual.

I think they can be a good place to realise you are not alone.

Cindy

[Kay]

Me, I like social groups for that reason, and if you want to meet adults acting like adults and not just bitching - find people working on political issues.

Ugh...politics.  I think you're probably right...but still...ugh...politics. 

[Miniar]

I <3 politics!

That being said. I think the question is too black and white.
In the right group, with the right people, when you need them, the group can be pure gold.
And in the wrong group, with the wrong people, when you don't really need them, the group can be the biggest waste of time ever. Worse than eating a phonebook.
And everything in between.
it's all relative to what you need, what you get, and who with.

[NikkiJ]

I don't care for them. The one around here is pretty useless, and I haven't been in years. It didn't do anything for me except expose me to some people that I don't ever want to be like. Disturbed, flaky people who are chock full of bad advice.

[tekla]

It didn't do anything for me except expose me to some people that I don't ever want to be like.
Actually, that's a pretty good thing, powerful in many respects.  Most people live such narrow lives that they never meet anyone like that.  Me, I think having negative examples is just as important as having positive ones.

Disturbed, flaky people who are chock full of bad advice.
Oh come on now, those people are the most fun to talk to.  As for the advice just use your Jedi mind skills to cleverly reverse what they say.  Really, if it wasn't for disturbed, flaky people I might have anyone to talk to.  I'd certainly would not have anyone to work for.  Straight up on that.

[shanetastic]

I've been to two or three.

Nothing special, but got to meet some cool people and some not to cool people so I mean I guess it was worth it?  Who knows just depends on what you're going there for I guess.

[NikkiJ]

Tekla, my therapist said the same thing, about the value of seeing people you do not want to take any cues from.

And someone I was talking too recently also said the particular group was more fun when it was more dysfunctional, as opposed to the iron fist that rules it now.

Very perceptive!

[Cindy]

Well since you Guys and Girls are my support group, I have to admit flaky is cool.

Dysfunctional? Nah only now and again. Loving? Yea, Supportive? Very, Helped me? Bet your cute little asses.


Cindy

[Hannah]

I'm going to my first support group meeting on Thursday and to be honest I'm not thrilled about it. It's a womens group for dialectical behavioral therapy and I'm scared to death of it.

[Cindy]

Becca
No problems.
Be kind and meek and then go for the jugular.

Thangs for the Mammories

Cindy

[Arch]

Sometimes the support groups are good, sometimes mediocre, sometimes downright boring. The trans groups, that is. My gay men's group is always good. But it's mostly a discussion group, not a support group. And it's not specifically geared to trans people.

It sounds like you need better facilitators. Most of the time when someone starts complaining too much or monopolizing or generalizing, one of our facilitators will draw the line. A good facilitator can really make the group. But it does help to have decent members, too. I can think of a few members I would like to get rid of...at least, I would be quite happy if they stopped coming. I'm not sending out a hit team or anything. Although, come to think of it...

[Agent_J]

I attended one once...once.

I found that even though I was in my mid-30s I was by far the youngest present and the discussion was quite boring to me as it was about stuff that is very unlikely to ever impact me (e.g. one facing a challenge about continued membership in an exclusive club on the coast,) plus was strictly about three of the people present monopolizing the session (if not for a particular three introductions would have been over in 15 minutes rather than taking half again the two hours planned for the entire meeting.)  I realized I got absolutely nothing out of it so decided not to go back.

[pheonix]

I had horrible experiences.  First off, being significantly younger (20+ years) than the others in the group made it very difficult to connect.  Being attractive, I found myself the target of unwanted attention (including one transwoman who stalked me).  The levels of dysfunction within the group were astounding - I can mirror the stories others have related of the same issues rehashed over and over again without any real effort to move themselves forward.

Basically it caused me to avoid other transpeople like the plague.  It wasn't until I met some folks closer in age and outlook to me at a trans-health conference that I began to build any connections with other trans people.  And in those instances they were people I had things in common with besides being transsexual.

So my advice?  Stay clear.  Find social opportunities if you want to connect with other transpeople.

[Naturally Blonde]

I was wondering how many other people here have difficulty relating to the people they meet at support groups?  Or, perhaps more appropriately phrased, how many people here find support groups to be helpful to them?

I've not been to one or know of any in my area (UK)

[K8]

I go when I can.  It's 70 miles away.  I've found it valuable sometimes and boring sometimes.  My first session was an eye-opener because I went as a CD and expected it to be TG not exclusively TS.  I haven't established any relationships, but then it's 70 miles away.

I think they can be helpful, if for no other reason than to find out 1) there are others like you, and 2) you have it easier than some people.

- Kate

[Arch]

I had horrible experiences. 

Ouch. I'm sorry, Pheonix. But I agree with what you said about finding something in common BESIDES being trans.

When my therapist was first nudging me toward support groups, I was skeptical. I knew that I wouldn't really make friends with people if we only had the trans thing in common, and I was doubtful that I would find anything else in common with any of them. I couldn't see the value of connecting with people just because they were trans.

After over a year of support groups, I have learned a lot. I have a couple of friends that I would be drawn to even if they weren't trans. I know quite a few people that I love to talk to about trans experiences and issues and not much else. Other people, well, I've gotten to know them well enough to appreciate them for other qualities that I wouldn't have exposed myself to if they weren't trans.

For instance, I love it when a couple of acquaintances talk about their three teenage sons; I never expected to be interested in conversations about kids. But the kids are interesting and unusual people; the parents are funny and articulate, and they love their sons fiercely. So I've stretched myself a bit by knowing this couple.

I knew these folks for at least six months before I even started to get to know them better. It was an investment that might not have paid off. But if you don't play, you can't win. I figure it's like the lottery, only with somewhat better odds.