Emotions

[Tiffany2]

  I hope this is not a dumb question. I haven't had time to read a lot of issues here so please forgive me if this has been mentioned.

  I have found that growing up I was a girl in a boy's body. Society made me feel wrong and brought about a lot of confusion. Later churches brought self-condemnation.

  Since finding out what I am I have gone through periods of joy, then sorrow. Feeling cursed, then blessed. Feeling like I should come out, then feeling like I shouldn't come out. Sometimes I get angry and wonder "why me?" Sometimes I try to be "macho." Sometimes I just let "me" flow freely. (At home in private)

  Sometimes I sit for hours just doing my nails and then just cut them. I buy clothes and then throw them away.

  It seems like I can be happy being female and sometimes the past teachings and past society comes to mind and I feel down or dirty. Sometimes past church sermons come to mind and I feel condemned.

  I guess that's one reason I have decided when I get my thoughts and life in order I am going to use the word of God to give others a hope. Lord knows there have been too many to use it to condemn.

  I was just wondering how many others have gone down this identical road or if I'm just some psycho. The ups and downs are an emotional rollercoaster ride of pain and joy that many straight people will never understand.

  If this has been mentioned prior I'm sorry for bringing it back up. I just have to learn from those of you far more experienced than I.

  May God bless you.

  Tiffany

[ellie_sfchick]

Hi Tiffany,
I am new here also, but have gone over this subject so many times in my life that it sometimes becomes boring, emotional, and makes me very angry.  I was born and raised in an era when men were men and boys were expected to be the same and if you didn't fit the mold you were knocked into shape and back then there was no such thing as "child protective services" or laws that really covered abuse so you tried so hard to hide what you felt.  I hated my body and tried to destroy in many times in many ways.  We all have found ways to endure and make it through this life.  What helped me make it through different times in my life was something that some people would think strange.  When I was 12 1/2 I ran away from home because of abuse and was found by a Sioux Chief and a Sioux Medicineman who took me into the reservation, hid me, protected me, and worked to heal me for 6 weeks.  They told me that the spirits had sent them to find and that they knew I was two-souls(their name for a ts), and they were to help me.  The second time was after a very severe accident that disabled me.  I woke up from being in a coma for 3 weeks and was a very very angry person because if the way the accident left me.  I was screaming at my nurse and doctors asking why they didn't just let me die.  A Cherokee Shaman who was in the hospital visiting tribe members heard me and came to my room.  He just sat down and looked at me.  After about and hour he just said calm, waited a while and repeated it.  This man spend hours a day for the next six months with me. He went to my therapy treatments, rehab classes, listened to me, and helped me accept what had happened to me.  I maintained contact with him until he died 2 years ago and he was always able to help me past the rough times. 
Who we are is a type of cross that we have to bear, times an internal strife, a test, but something that we are meant to do, maybe to help others down the line make it through their lifes with more ease because of us breaking the trail.
Hugs and have a wonderful week-end

[Kim]

All normal feelings you are having. I am IS but know it can be confusing. Thing I point out to people who try to use religion aginst me is if it's so wrong then why did God create me as such since he doesn't make mistakes? I tell them He created me this way delibertly and for a reason yet to be seen. People have other reasons for pushing a TG person down as well. All this makes a person feel depressed and confused. Transition is by far not an easy road but the destination is beautiful when you get there. 

[alyssa]

hello Tiffany

this is my first post ever on a transgender forum. just wanted you to know i too know just how you feel and what you go through. how many nights i have beged to have the wrong made right. knowing it would never be.oh how i wish there were some way just to feel normal. any way i'm not to good at talking about this. it is soooo confusing. all i know is i'm trapped in a body that has always been wrong. i can remember even as a youngster looking in the mirror and just knowing it was not right. i'm hoping to get to know some of you gals and maybe you can give me some pointers. good luck to all. we need it. alyssa

[Buffy]

Hi Tiffany,

The post and feelings you describe are very typical of many people who have gender confusion it their lives from an early age.

At 6,I was wanting to be a girl, I even told my parents and suffered the consequenses for doing so. I cried and sobbed my heart out during puberty and during my adult years went through much depression and heartache, as I struggled daily to fullfil a role (Male), which was alien to me.

I carried that hate, loathing of my life around for 38 years, before I found the courage to stop denying the truth and make my existance on this Earth a worthwhile experience, rather than a prison scentence.

We all have a right to be here, we are God's creations, whether the purists like this or not..... We only have one life, I choose to make mine the way it should have been.

Buffy

[Kendall]

Hi Tiffany,
I used to listen to others about how my life was to be lived. I tried as hard as I could. I heard how others put down and condemned TGs. I didnt want them to know I felt how I did. It all created more confusion, and feeling as though I was lieing to my soul. Lieing to my god, lieing to everyone.

I then decided that they were wrong and I was right. And that I really did not believe in what they were saying and teaching. So I stopped attending and listening to them. I then decided to follow  what I truelly believed in. Because the truth is much more important and needed then a life of being a lie. Even if it meant that they would outcast me. And I dont feel anymore like I am leaving in a hell on earth.

Ken/Kendra