mtf:NEVER reveal to a straight man ur transsexual! (ftm: Same to u in reverse)

[Shelina]

This is a biggest FOLLY one can do is to reveal a straight whom you're in love with that you are transsexual specially if you're passing. From 1997 till now, I fell in love with 14 men deeply and tried to bind earth and sky so that they love me, did EVERTHING I could but in VAIN. Cried, attempted suicide several times but they didn't give a ->-bleeped-<-. Some cared and say they can stay as a very good friend but I'm FED UP HEARING 'WE CAN BE GOOD FRIENDS! I LIKE YOU BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU! IF YOU WERE A GIRL I COULD HAVE LOVED YOU BUT YOU'RE NOT! The last and recent worst one just happened beginning of September. You all remember how in the Hormones Category I was telling you I am deeply in love with a guy at work and cannot tell him, the day I thrashed out the truth, RESULT: "YOU ->-bleeped-<-GOT, I'M NOT ->-bleeped-<-, GO FIND ANOTHER ->-bleeped-<-GOT LIKE YOU, HOW DID YOU EVEN DARE THINKING OF ME, GET LOST, STOP HARASSING ME OR I'LL REPORT YOU TO THE HR AND STOP SENDING ME ANONYMOUS SMS OR I'LL FILE A COMPLAINT TO THE POLICE!'. For a while I was absent from the forum it's when again my suicide follies came and I attempted again taking sleeping pills ending hospital. Now I am just like a living zombie struggling to recover physically/mentally.

Pouf! Look what the hell I have to undergo everyday just becoz I am not a genetic female AND IT IS THE MAIN REASON I AM TRANSITIONING. 

3 TYPED OF STRAIGHTS

1. The extreme ones who would NOT accept you even you're a post-op knowing your past. They should not know at all, they fall into majority of the 'typical straights'.

2. The ones who CAN accept you BUT only if you're post-op.

3. These ones have fallen into your charm and beauty and they generally make an exception for you. I know some mtf transsexuals who are even LOVED by straight men. Unfortunately all men I have fallen in love are in category 1.

It's very risky to reveal a straight as you can't be sure if he's a 1, 2 or 3 but if you really love him sooner or later you must tell him but you reveal only if your 100% sure he will continue loving you as many of their supposedly love are just fake. Many accepted me before when I disguised in female but AS SOON AS I told them what I am, they fled like hell. ->-bleeped-<-ing hurtful!

[Calistine]

Unfortuntely ftms cant usually do that because our bottom surgery is quite primitive.

[Osiris]

You've been deeply in love with 14 guys since 1997? That's over a 1 guy per year average. Perhaps you should concentrate more on being happy with yourself than trying to find love. Really, there is a lot of pain involved when you try to change or mask who you are in order to be accepted. Accept yourself first then be open to finding someone else who will love and accept you.

[Shelina]

Unfortuntely ftms cant usually do that because our bottom surgery is quite primitive.

Yeah but you must use your cleverness/imagination to find excuses like: 'Well you know, I was born without testicles, this is a rare case that happens to boys but well what to do I'm like this'. Am sure they won't even know as an average person doesn't even know how phalloplasty functions. Testicles are not really that important to girls, importance to them is penis.

For example me in the past I disguised in girl, a straight guy wanted to have affair with my 'supposedly' vagina. Then I had to find an excuse and tell him well you know I can't cos I'm having my period right now and it's painful.

Use your imagination handsome, there are infinite excuses to find. 

[Calistine]

Well my plan was to be stealth in my junior year of college. The only time Id tell someone im dating Im trans is if we began to get serious.
I have to agree with osiris. You do not have to tell but you really should focus more on yourself than just men. Trust me Im just as frustrated as you are for the same reason, but I also have to know that I am me first.

[Shelina]

You've been deeply in love with 14 guys since 1997? That's over a 1 guy per year average.

Unfortunately the only way for me to forget the previous one is to quickly find and concentrate on another one to subcede the previous one and fortunately for me it works but it seems to be this chain effect is lasting forever now and I'm really more than exhausted now and still can't find my perfect match, so let's go under the knife.
Post Merge: September 16, 2009, 06:16:16 PM

Well my plan was to be stealth in my junior year of college. The only time Id tell someone im dating Im trans is if we began to get serious.
I have to agree with osiris. You do not have to tell but you really should focus more on yourself than just men. Trust me Im just as frustrated as you are for the same reason, but I also have to know that I am me first.

Yeah but you know you you're male and you're stronger than us mentally to be able to control feelings. We women are sensitive, not to mention those hormone ->-bleeped-<-s which amplifies our emotions tenfolds now. It's difficult for us to control feelings, we're women inside after all.

[Osiris]

Shelina, honestly I think you need to back off from looking for the perfect match. While some guys may have a problem with you being trans I can guarantee that they have just as much, if not a bigger problem with you having an obsessive attachment to them. Genetic girls with the same behavior will have guys running from them.

[Calistine]

I may be a man but the estrogen in my system makes me sensitive(unfortuntely).
And this for me is more than just orientation. I lived as a lesbian before I came out as trans. I figure if I really was a girl I would just fantasize and not wish i was a boy also. Ive known I was different since I was 4 years old. The attraction thing was more like what made me realize I was a boy more than the actual reason I wanted to be one.

[Susan]

Full disclosure to sexual partners before going all the way is not only a necessity, but a responsibility. Posts like this only serve as fodder for those people who use the gay panic defense. This is not about deception, or shouldn't be. If you can't trust the person with everything about you then perhaps you still havn't found the right person to share your life with. There is another issue there is no such things as stealth today. You have escaped one closet, only to willingly throw yourself right back into another one, thats even deeper and darker. Then spend every waking moment from that point forward panicing about the moment that WILL COME, when someone from your past recognizes you and blows your carefully constructed life err lie out of the water.

[Calistine]

Well if someone were to ask if i was trans Id tell them I just dont think its something that the whole world needs to know.

[Julie Marie]

Even if you are extremely passable, it's going to come out at some point, unless you're one of those kids we see today who have parents who are aware and open-minded enough to allow you to express your identified gender at a very early age.  For them, it's possible they can remain stealth all their lives without being outed.  For the rest of us, remaining stealth forever is not possible.  There's too much baggage, family, friends, vital records that will out you even if your body, presentation, former gender markers don't do it first.

I don't believe we have to tell every person we see, but once an intimate relationship starts blossoming, it's time to talk.

Julie

[Shelina]

when someone from your past recognizes you and blows your carefully constructed life err lie out of the water.

Well Susan this is my biggest fear and it is then where I will have to play my role and find my pathetic excuses and just to deny, deny & deny. Just as some non-ops prefer staying non-ops and stay in denial due to fear of the society and prejudices, me I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- of society but straights that I love and I situate myself somewhere in between the strict non-ops and the openly-exposed transsexuals. We're all different in this world you know...

[Calistine]

Well Susan this is my biggest fear and it is then where I will have to play my role and find my pathetic excuses and just to deny, deny & deny. Just as some non-ops prefer staying non-ops and stay in denial due to fear of the society and prejudices, me I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- of society but straights that I love and I situate myself somewhere in between the strict non-ops (gays) and the openly-exposed transsexuals. We're all different in this world you know...

Thats fine and all. But non op mtfs that are attracted to men are not gay

[Alyx.]

Well, the best advice I can give is SCREW GUYS!

...no, not like that.

I mean, there are better things then guys in life. Like friends, and whatever you are into. Be a strong woman and be independant, you don't need a guy!

[Ellieka]

Well, the best advice I can give is SCREW GUYS!

...no, not like that.

Cute Heartwood!

I disclose that I am trans right up front with any guy or girl that shows an interest in my if I am attracted to them. It just saves so much heart ache and drama later on. I have no desire to be stealth among my friends and/or romantic interest. Like Susan said... one closet for another, I just don't have any desire to hide for the rest of my life. Thirty two years was enough of that monkey poo!

Stop throwing yourself at them... it makes you look cheap and easy.

[Cadence Jean]

What I've learned over the years is that it's not you who needs to adjust.  And it's not them that needs to adjust.  You need to find your match with both of you as you are now.  If you fall for who you think they will be, or they fall for you as who they think you will be, then you're in love with a fantasy.  I'm not suggesting that relationships don't require work - they certainly do.  They require honesty.  They require communication.  If you can't have either of those things in the relationship, it's doomed to failure.  Remember - you don't have to make yourself fit their expectations, or make them fall in love with you.  Love is a natural thing that develops mutually between two people when the conditions are right.  Don't force it - it must develop organically.

And PLEASE work with your therapist.  They will help build your self-esteem, and make what I just wrote easier to accept.  Be patient - your time to shine will come when it's your time to shine.  Wish you all the best, girl!

[Luc]

This is precisely why I only even THINK about dating people who already know I'm trans. Gets a lot of BS out of the way that could otherwise occur down the line. Oh, and Shelina... without some sort of bottom surgery, no ftm will be passable below the waist as a genetic guy, regardless of how much his clitoris grows on T.

SD

[Autumn]

Perhaps you should look to date bi men instead. A few days ago I told the guy I lost my virginity to that I have boobs now. He doesn't see anything wrong with that since he was attracted to me because i was so femme anyway. 

Or tell people before you're deeply in love - or slow down how fast you fall deeply in love.

[Ellieka]

Perhaps you should look to date bi men instead.
Or tell people before you're deeply in love - or slow down how fast you fall deeply in love.

Yes! This!

[Just Kate]

Full disclosure to sexual partners before going all the way is not only a necessity, but a responsibility. Posts like this only serve as fodder for those people who use the gay panic defense. This is not about deception, or shouldn't be. If you can't trust the person with everything about you then perhaps you still havn't found the right person to share your life with. There is another issue there is no such things as stealth today. You have escaped one closet, only to willingly throw yourself right back into another one, thats even deeper and darker. Then spend every waking moment from that point forward panicing about the moment that WILL COME, when someone from your past recognizes you and blows your carefully constructed life err lie out of the water.

This so neatly sums up some of the major factors in why I stopped transition after I "passed".  I couldn't deal with being in the closet that Susan mentions.  Passing fully as a female just forced me to lock myself into a new set of expectations - something I was desperately trying to escape as a male.

Another big reason was that I knew how hard it would be for me to find a straight male who would accept me, and that thought haunted me most nights.   I knew it would be my responsibility as someone who loved him to be open with him about my past, but I also knew the heartache that would bring more often than not.

I'm sorry about your bad experiences to date, it sucks, but I believe it is certainly possible to find someone to be happy with.