Blending in the Old Somehow

[K8]

I had a minor crisis yesterday when I discovered a closet full of my old clothes.  I had thought I had gotten rid of everything and so was shocked to discover *him* risen from the dead.  This has made me think.  (These crises usually do. )

I have a new name, new persona, new clothes, new haircut, new hairless face, and new grooming habits.  I have new mannerisms, a new walk, and a new voice.  (Still working on that. )  I am referred to by new pronouns and new honorifics (mostly).  I have new friends as well as all of my old friends, but they treat me a little differently.  I think of myself as a different person.

But in many ways I'm still the old person.  I'm still the person who was that dweeby kid who preferred dancing to sports and who was the only boy in the sixth grade with a girlfriend.  I am the same father who took his daughter to Disneyland when she was 4.  (We had a wonderful time. )  I'm the same man who asked a cute woman to go motorcycle riding and then fell in love with her and married her.  I am the same husband who cared for his wife through years of illness and difficulty.

I think the problem, now, is to be Kate without killing off the male person I was.  When I get a sales call for *him* I tell them he isn't around anymore.  But he is.  He's just here in a new and improved version.

- Kate

[sneakersjay]

I've noticed the same thing.

Only I never really was 'her'.  I was just me.  And me is who I am now. 


Jay

[Syne]

These things come in time and each has their own journey.

What I tell others: I am I. That is truly how I think and act and behave. I have more freedoms but a few new chains that I detest but I go on and just continue doing the only thing I really know well: being myself.

Good luck on your own journey.

[Janet_Girl]

On the 13th of September 2008, He died.  I removed all of his clothes, except for a couple of tees I liked.  And a silk jacket.

But his ghost still shows up every once on a while.



Janet

[Julie Marie]

Welcome to the never ending world of transitioning Kate!  Just when you thought it was safe to back in the water...

For us old fogies, transitioning is a lot more than physical presentation.  We have a long history and a lot of "baggage" that is part of us.  We can't leave that behind without erasing our memories.  And we shouldn't be expected to either.

I'm still in the process of incorporating the old into the new and probably will be for a while, maybe through the rest of my life.  I'm not throwing away 55 years of my life just because I transitioned.  And along the way I'm finding the real me coming back and I like that version better than the new version. 

Don't worry about following expectations.  Do what's right for you. Just bK8 

Julie

[FairyGirl]

Julie that is a very good description-

At first I was so tired of living a lie that I just wanted to throw it all away and get as far away as I could from "him", but as time goes on I am realizing more and more there is no need to throw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak. There are parts of me that had nothing to do with gender, and many parts of me that were already always female in any case. It did help me to receive a letter from "him", expressing thanks for setting us both free and officially relinquishing the life over to me. It was sweet and personal and so I know he's not dead, he's just moved on to a better place.

[MaggieB]

Kate,
I can relate to this issue very much.  I come in contact with things and people from my past life quite often.  Watching a movie from back then with my spouse can bring tears pretty quickly for me but not for her.  She has done better to bury the old me. She doesn't see that guy when she looks at me but I still see her.  That really messes things up because I am attracted to her and want to show affection because my feelings toward her haven't changed but she doesn't consider us married even though we aren't getting divorced. 

This morning, my daughter is coming to take away our bedroom furniture and the queen size bed that my wife and I slept in.  I am getting my daughter's childhood twin instead.  I loved that marriage bed and while I have slept alone for almost two years, it was a special comfort sleeping in it with her pillows beside me.  Tonight, that will be gone. 

So I would say that it seems for me that in time almost nothing of my past life will remain.  What was to be blending will eventually be nothing at all.  Honestly, I really thought this wouldn't happen to my family.  We were all so close knit and loving. 

Maggie

[fluffy jorgen]

But doesn't this happen to everybody, not just transexuals?
Everybody has an old self that they want to forget or are ashamed of.

Still.

[Kara]

I look at it like this:

I haven't transitioned all the way....or even really started any important physical step. So I tend to think of myself as incomplete. The personality I have is what I have, but there are parts that are missing. I guess it's like making a puzzle. I wouldn't say the old image with the bare table areas would be "coming back." Merely that as I continue my transition, more things are added on so that I get a more complete picture of who I am.

In a very real way, I'm going to eventually have to be introduced to me. I don't know who this person is yet, but I have a feeling I'm going to like her.