How did I get here?

[Melissa]

Now I am living my life as a woman.  I am doing almost everything I ever wanted to do as a woman and I love it.  I would go so far as to say that it's everything I imagined it would be.  At my apartments, I'm stealth and *nobody* there knows I have a male past.  I talk to neighbors and go swimming in the pool or whatever I feel like.  It really is quite amazing.  I'm finally in the right life for me and that makes me happy.  Sometimes, I think to myself "How did I get here?"  I mean as little as a year ago I was living as a male in complete denial with no plans to ever transition.  So much has changed in my life.  I am now single, I live at a new place, I have a new name, a new appearance, I'm known only as female by many people, I have women friends , I have a new phone and it almost feels like I changed bodies with somebody.  I'm happy with my new body and life and I feel like there isn't really any going back, even if I wanted to.  It just amazes me sometimes.  I think my brain has a little catching up to do with the rest of me.  Actuall in a little over a week, it will be 1 year from the day I came out out of denial--or at least things started boiling over, which triggered a cascade of events leading to me being female.  It's just so mind-blowing sometimes.

Melissa

[Kate]

That's SO cool, Melissa!

As I keep quoting my friend, "life is about seeing what happens next."

'Cuz it's true that you just never, never know. Things that seem so hopeless and futile one day suddenly find a way to resolve themselves.

Thanks for the dose of hope

[Melissa]

Thanks for the dose of hope

I'm glad to know if gave some hope.  It's just I had this idea of what living as a woman would be like and I kept hearing that whatever you think it is, is completely wrong.  Well, truth be told, what I imagined was fairly realistic.  There is no " magical sugar and spice" feeling and for the most part, my body feels exactly like it did beforehand.  I was looking forward to wearing certain pieces of clothing--despite the fact that I never did before transition--and I have been able to wear them.  I mean I've liked girl clothes better than guy clothes since as long as I can remember (like 5).

Well, here's what I imagined.  I imagined life would be mostly like what it was before, except I would be able to wear female clothes and makeup and have female friends and be called ma'am and use the women's bathroom.  Well, all of that rang true, except the difference is it is much more fullfilling than I imagined it to be.  I also have a feeling of calmness that I didn't have before and now instead of anger, I usually have depression.  However, talking to a friend ALWAYS cures the depression.  I still do the same line of work and drive the same car.  I still do most of the same activities I did before.  Most of the time I don't feel gender dysphoric, except when I have extra trouble with my genitals, like their wanting to come untucked a lot, or an unwanted bulge where there shouldn't be one.  Actually I despise the task of requiring to tuck, because it's an extra chore which takes extra time plus it can be extremely uncomfortable at times.  My is a bad size too.  It's too small to stay tucked in place easily, but too big to easily hide.  I wear a lot of hsoiery, because I find that holds it in place the best.  I want surgery really soon and really bad.   I know I will have dialation to replace that task, but to me it's worth it.  At least I will be able to touch the right genitals, rather than the wrong ones.

Melissa

[Mario]

Melissa,
    I think your mind is on the perfect track. Every step you are taking is in the right direction. I am so very happy for you. I do know what you mean about first, feeling more so much better to live in the gender you know you really are. But the best thing is when you are always percieved that way. That is when you know you have accomplished something. After that, all that is left is surgery. I will never be able to put into words how compleate I felt after "top" surgery. It truly is life changing, as it will be for you when you get to get rid of what you know does not belong on you.
I mean being on hormones is great with all the changes, but nothing compares so getting rid of "unwanted" and the wrong body parts

                                            Marco

[Kate]

There is no " magical sugar and spice" feeling...

What? Forget it then, no more of this transtioning thing for me!!!

OK, ahem, seriously, about the only difference I'm expecting and hoping for is the destruction of the GID. I want to watch it burn, be run over, torn to shreds, and nuked by a leftover russian 20 megaton nuke (from an appropriate distance of course).

Otherwise, I expect to feel.. well... excited at being bored with my sex, lol, if that makes any sense. Excited that maybe for the first time in 42 years, I *won't* think about my sex. That would be SO cool and amazing. To be able to *breath* again.

But what to look forward to? You know, it's funny... I don't have anything specific, but little things, sweet little daydreams sometimes surprise me. I was driving along the other day, windows open, and felt my hair whipping around... and suddenly had a flash of being able to do that with truly long hair, feeling it on bare shoulders, and so on... and I just started crying. It's no big deal, and I'm sure within a month I'd be whining about tangles instead, lol.. but there's such a myriad of small, unexpected experiences that'd make more SENSE to me, validating how I feel and WANT to feel.

But my fear is that I'm trading a "I need to be a girl, I need to be a girl.." obsession for a "can they tell? can they tell?" one.

I have extra trouble with my genitals, like their wanting to come untucked a lot, or an unwanted bulge where there shouldn't be one. 

Back during my halloween outings, what I'd do is steal my wife's "control" or "body shaping" underwear. These things were heavy-duty, and would fit EXTREMELY tight, so even without tucking, IT just got... well... smushed flat against everything. Not the most comfortable solution, but it worked well enough.

[Melissa]

I mean being on hormones is great with all the changes, but nothing compares so getting rid of "unwanted" and the wrong body parts

At this point, I think "unwanted" is too weak of a word.  It has gone up from despised to hated now.  I'll clarify in another post.

Melissa