Outted embarrassment

[Calistine]

Okay, so I am Kyle online and to most of my friends as well as at lgbt group. However, I am still my birth name at school and I dont really have a problem with that, in fact I prefer that because Im not ready to be full time yet(its only been 3 months since I came out to myself) and I dont mind going by both names until I do, I mean I know in my heart Im Kyle regardless what anyone calls me. My friends know that as long as they respect my decision to live as male, I dont care what they call me. I do have a problem being called she sometimes though but I digress.
In school im not in the closet but I dont tell people Im trans unless they ask me. I have a friend who is VERY lgbt obsessed. All she talks about is gay issues. Today in school someone introduced me as birth name and she was like "DAMMIT, his name is KYLE. Apologize NOW!" I was really embarassed because this kid didnt really know I was trans. I told her that I appreciate that she was looking out for me but I was embarrased. Its my job to tell people what to call me. She said "Well dont be embarrased im embarssing myself it has nothing to do with you." But it does! I only consider it rude if the person knows my new name and intentionally calls me my birth name to spite me. Uggh. What do you think about this?

[Lachlann]

I think she should let you handle it. It's your life.

[Nimetön]

This situation is rather more dangerous than it sounds; you run the risk of having your public reputation reduced to a mere political symbol.  If you are marked as being a protected minority, your presence associated with censorship and intimidation, then people around you will be forced to interact with your protected status rather than with you, the person.

Decent people will generally avoid those with whom direct and genuine human contact is not practical.

- N

[tekla]

Decent people will generally avoid those with whom direct and genuine human contact is not practical.

True that, but I think it's more than just a 'decent' deal, I think that people avoid problem situations, and potential problem situations.

[Calistine]

This situation is rather more dangerous than it sounds; you run the risk of having your public reputation reduced to a mere political symbol.  If you are marked as being a protected minority, your presence associated with censorship and intimidation, then people around you will be forced to interact with your protected status rather than with you, the person.

Decent people will generally avoid those with whom direct and genuine human contact is not practical.

- N

Are you implying that its dangerous that I keep my name in public right now or that my friend is correcting people without my permission?
Post Merge: October 01, 2009, 05:07:12 PM
I forgot to mention. She said by not correcting people I have no self respect. I take so much offense to this, its my F-ing LIFE!

[Nimetön]

Are you implying that its dangerous that I keep my name in public right now or that my friend is correcting people without my permission?
Post Merge: October 01, 2009, 05:07:12 PM
I forgot to mention. She said by not correcting people I have no self respect. I take so much offense to this, its my F-ing LIFE!

The latter: it is dangerous, to you, to allow your friend to administer your public persona, to allow your friend to build and control a social barrier around you.  If you wish to be thought of as a man, look others in the eye and do not allow her to fight your battles for you.  The appellation given to such a man who permits such defenders is literally the same name as that given to the vulva itself.

As for the lack of self-respect, this is common among GLBT political activists: her primary definition of your 'self' is likely that of a political symbol and protected minority, and this is at the heart of this discussion.  You do not show, to her reckoning, sufficient respect for the political identity that her party has constructed for you.  You must now choose whether to accept that constructed public identity, or deal with people on a personal level; you must decide whether or not it is, in fact, your 'f-ing life'.

- N

[Calistine]

I did. I told her not to tell me how to life my life. She apologized and said shed keep quiet.
Heh I never said I didnt talk to her I just like ranting XD

[icontact]

I agree with Nimeton. Also much more important if you do not already pass, because then your friend is helping to stereotype FtMs as butch looking girls.

[thestory]

I can understand your situation. I have only been out and accepting of my own trans gender issues for the last, oh, three or four months as well. It is rather difficult to change peoples perceptions of you especially if they may not be accepting. If you aren't going to have to see or deal with them for long I usually shrug it off. For those I am meeting for the first time or am going to be close with, I present myself as a guy and use my new name.

[Myself]

I have a friend who said pretty much the same thing about me not being out was cowardish or something..

And few people trying to present me as a she when I totally didn't look good for it.

I am all with you, it's offensive, we want to avoid encounters like "She" "You mean he" "No, she" "It's a he" which consist our friends as the first person talking (well, opposite for you I guess ^^) and some random person, and it didn't actually happen and I just want to become invisible and not see my friend for a while..

It's not being disrespectful or cowardish to avoid being a freak in people's eyes, we'll be out when we are ready and when we are we will be just an F or an M without the rest.

I am glad your friend apologized, my friends still didn't understand why it hurt me or why I won't just be out "who cares about the look and what people think/see".. somehow I find that more insane then many things which other people will find insane.

It's those who enforce themselves upon society who cause and probably get the most of discrimination, not those who go with it.

Good luck

P.S. I found this funny

[Morgan]

I'm a little torn with this, on one hand, you've got a friend who supports you and sticks up for you, on the other hand, she was way out of line and it's not her place to correct other people about your gender. That's YOUR responsibility, and your choice.

[Arch]

It's ultimately your responsibility to take control of your own life and your own presentation and to correct people when they misread you. But, forgive me, you appear to be sending mixed signals. It's probably unavoidable because you aren't full time yet, but are you absolutely sure that your friend fully understood your situation?

First you say that you go by your birth name at school. All well and good. But this friend seems to know you outside of school as well. If that's the case, she's living with one foot in one world and one foot in the other world, so to speak, just as you are. That can be confusing, as I'm sure you're aware.

Then you say you don't mind going by both names for now...does that mean that you go by one name in certain venues and the other name in other venues, or does it mean that there is some crossover? If there is any crossover at all, can you blame your friend for getting caught up in it?

Then you say that at long as your friends respect your persona, you don't care what they call you...but do you have a problem when the friend calls you "Kyle" and "he" at school, where other people apparently do not?

Then you say that you aren't out at school unless people ask, and then you tell them...this friend obviously knows that you are out, and she treats you as Kyle. Did you ever sit down with her and explain how she is to address you at school, where you are not generally out except sometimes to some people?

I'm not trying to flame you here, not at all, but you are in that awkward not-fully-out stage--which is a challenge for anyone to negotiate. And I guess your main concern was whether your friend should have been so adamant. I really do think that this kind of confusion was created by two worlds in collision. And I think that your friend was overzealous; but on the other hand, she seems to be in the middle of those two colliding worlds; did you ever speak to her about how to address you at school?

I'm glad you talked to her and received an apology. But what if she hadn't gotten overly enthusiastic and had just called you "Kyle" and "he" a couple of times? Would that have been a problem when the other people were calling you "birth name" and "she"?

[Calistine]

It's ultimately your responsibility to take control of your own life and your own presentation and to correct people when they misread you. But, forgive me, you appear to be sending mixed signals. It's probably unavoidable because you aren't full time yet, but are you absolutely sure that your friend fully understood your situation?

First you say that you go by your birth name at school. All well and good. But this friend seems to know you outside of school as well. If that's the case, she's living with one foot in one world and one foot in the other world, so to speak, just as you are. That can be confusing, as I'm sure you're aware.

Then you say you don't mind going by both names for now...does that mean that you go by one name in certain venues and the other name in other venues, or does it mean that there is some crossover? If there is any crossover at all, can you blame your friend for getting caught up in it?

Then you say that at long as your friends respect your persona, you don't care what they call you...but do you have a problem when the friend calls you "Kyle" and "he" at school, where other people apparently do not?

Then you say that you aren't out at school unless people ask, and then you tell them...this friend obviously knows that you are out, and she treats you as Kyle. Did you ever sit down with her and explain how she is to address you at school, where you are not generally out except sometimes to some people?

I'm not trying to flame you here, not at all, but you are in that awkward not-fully-out stage--which is a challenge for anyone to negotiate. And I guess your main concern was whether your friend should have been so adamant. I really do think that this kind of confusion was created by two worlds in collision. And I think that your friend was overzealous; but on the other hand, she seems to be in the middle of those two colliding worlds; did you ever speak to her about how to address you at school?

I'm glad you talked to her and received an apology. But what if she hadn't gotten overly enthusiastic and had just called you "Kyle" and "he" a couple of times? Would that have been a problem when the other people were calling you "birth name" and "she"?

I dont think it matters whether i was full time or not. I introduce myself as kyle to some people. I think the issue is that she spoke for me and made me feel like a freak.

[Arch]

I dont think it matters whether i was full time or not. I introduce myself as kyle to some people. I think the issue is that she spoke for me and made me feel like a freak.

Yeah, I can see that. But I venture to say that she probably won't ever do that again, at least not intentionally.

[Walter]

Hm. I can see where this would be bothersome, but I kind of wish someone would do that for me. There's been a couple times I really want to come out to people but I just don't have the courage. And if someone came up and outed me to them for me, I'd actually consider it a miracle. But that's just me

But yeah, your friend should let you tell the people you want to tell

[Silver]

I think you handled it pretty well. Probably should tell her it is about you.

I know it's a little late, but anyway.

You look a lot like my friend Jesse (yes a male Jesse)

[Jay]

I think you handled it pretty well. Probably should tell her it is about you.

I know it's a little late, but anyway.

Thats what I would do also.

I never out myself unless I am in a position where I need too.

Jay

[Calistine]

You look a lot like my friend Jesse (yes a male Jesse)

Thanks XD