Friends who just 'won't' see it

[Lisa Howard]

Hi
Well this is a bit of an 'old chestnut' I guess. If this subject has already been well covered I apologise and perhapse someone can direct me to previous threads.
But what I want to descover is how do you deal with friends relatives or whoever, just wont accept that one is TG. To clarify, I don't mean people who will not accept transgender people point blank. but those who say, ' oh but surely thats not you, or even try to find some reason to discredit you or trivialise who you are.
For example, I have a friend of 20 years,who won't accept that I'm TG. she is not at all unkind about it, just won't see it. she says that it's all down to past drug & alcohol problems, or because of some kind of depression and stuff like that.
people I have met more recently just seem to accept it without question. but not one of my oldest friends.

what are your thoughts

Lisa xx

[Janet_Girl]

Many refuse to see it because they can not wrap their minds around it.  Not until they see it.


Janet

[Steph]

Hi
Well this is a bit of an 'old chestnut' I guess. If this subject has already been well covered I apologise and perhapse someone can direct me to previous threads.
But what I want to descover is how do you deal with friends relatives or whoever, just wont accept that one is TG. To clarify, I don't mean people who will not accept transgender people point blank. but those who say, ' oh but surely thats not you, or even try to find some reason to discredit you or trivialise who you are.
For example, I have a friend of 20 years,who won't accept that I'm TG. she is not at all unkind about it, just won't see it. she says that it's all down to past drug & alcohol problems, or because of some kind of depression and stuff like that.
people I have met more recently just seem to accept it without question. but not one of my oldest friends.

what are your thoughts

Lisa xx

Some folks will never "See" it and there is no way that you change that.  It's their problem not yours.

-={LR}=-

[MaggieB]

This is a major issue in my transition.  My SO scoured the internet to come up with every possible mental illness or even a diagnosis of "Blunt force head trauma" to explain away my transsexuality.  She steadfastly refused to believe that the condition existed and that it was a symptom of some other disorder so in her way of thinking, cure the underlying disorder, cure the transsexuality. 

I pushed forward in spite of her and had an orchi which she tried to delay and scare me out of.  Finally, I got through it and she changed.  Once the surgery was done, she began to really distance herself from me.  She doesn't consider me to be a real woman but some third gender and acts very irritable towards me.  Once again, she demanded that I go to my therapist and get medications because she still considers me mentally ill.  I get sad and angry because she is so cold. She interprets my reaction as mental illness.

I read a response on another forum about acceptance and the person said, that it boils down to whether the transsexuality is believed to be a choice or a real medical condition.  Those that believe the former never will accept and the latter will.  Well, not in mine. I feel that I am blamed and deeply resented for being transsexual.

Maggie

[K8]

As Maggie said, I think people who recognize it as a condition you were born with will accept more readily than will people who see it as some kind of mental illness or choice (like homosexuality used to be thought to be).

I think those who don't accept it, though, often grab at other explanations (mental illness, drug use, etc.) to justify their thinking, but their thinking came first.  Like, there's something else going on there to make them think that.

To many people this is really weird.  (It is peculiar! )  It seems that some poeple have trouble accepting things that are out of the norm - odd things challenge their view of the world.  Others embrace the richness of life.  I don't know that there is anyway around that.

Some people will take longer to accept than others.  Some may never accept it.  Give your friend time.

- Kate

[Mischa]

my ex was supportive of my transition right up until her sister who has SEVERE mental issues outed me to her whole conservative family in a one line email that read, "(male name) is taking pills to be a woman." Her extended family wanted nothing to do with me, not that they ever actively participated in  our lives anyway. Well, until I got outed, then I became the target. My ex-wife took a lot of time flying to CO to discuss things I still don't have any idea about. Well I gotta hunch. It was after those trips that she stopped talking to me in civilized manners. I was told that I could say nothing and just had to take the harassment. Finally I got sick of it and left, which made me look like a horrible person. To them I think it was mission accomplished.

It was good that I did anyway because she would not let me get a job because she would loose her welfare. I've worked since I was 11 and just did not like sitting on my arse...

Flash forward to last week: my ex's 90 year old grandfather called me out of the blue. He had not known about my transition until a couple of months ago (I started transition 5 years ago been divorced for 3) asked a bunch of questions. Its important to mention he is a PhD Psychologist and an ordained deacon with the catholic church. He got done with the questions and said that he was proud of me for having the courage to transition and that he has a lot of respect for that.

But I digress. The key point is not to waste time trying to please those that cant be pleased by your decisions anyway, but nurture the relationships with the people who care and support you. In the end you will come out on top.