I, honestly, don’t know…

[Karlee]

Hey all.
As you may or may not know, I am very new here. I am very glad that I found this forum! It has given me a lot of good advice on how to come to terms with what I truly want. However, I still, honestly, don't know what I want. This post is going to discuss some of my feelings and some of my history, and will also serve as a way for me to get some things off my chest, and let off a little bit of frustration.

I have always been a bit curious about whom I really am. I have never really felt quite comfortable with who I am, and have never quite been 100% sure about who I am, and what I am. I have thought about this from a young age, but lately, it has completely taken over my normal train of thought. It is really confusing me and I really don't know what to do. I really don't know who I am. It confuses and frustrates me, and keeps me up at night. I shall begin with a little bit of history.

I have, for as long as I can remember, loved women's clothing (even though I was born physically male). I began wearing girl's clothing roughly at the age of 5. I used to parade around in it, and I loved it. I still love wearing women's clothing to this very day. (to the point where I love wearing it more than male clothing. I really only wear male clothing, because of the social expectations laced upon me as a male, and I don't want to be ridiculed by my small community). I love the way it feels, I love the way it looks, I love the way I look when I am wearing it. It makes my body look good, and makes me feel so much more feminine (which I love), I feel so much more comfortable wearing it, it makes me feel relaxed, normal, and...just good about myself. If I had a choice of a full wardrobe of female clothing, or a full wardrobe of male clothing to choose from (and no social expectations or ridicule), I would not hesitate to take the female clothing. I become jealous when I see a girl walk past. I am jealous of the way she looks, walks, talks, acts, carries herself, and how she dresses. Simply put, I become jealous of who she is. I sometimes wish that I could just swap bodies with them.

I have had fantasies about getting a gender reassignment surgery, and loving becoming a female. I am envious of women's bodies. I sometimes wish that I could trade my body in for a full female body. I frequently dream about being a girl. I am envious of what the female body consists of, how it functions, and how it looks. Some days, I would give anything to be a girl...and some days I don't.

But, all that being said, I am not completely unhappy about being male. I mean, it has its up's and down's. It can be really good on some days, but really bad on others. I am naturally quite feminine. I am loving, caring, I hate trouble, I hate conflict, I hate pain and fear, and I just wish that we could all get along and be peaceful. People have told me that I am very 'girly' and some people even mistake me for being a girl, just by the way I am naturally am.

So now, you may be thinking 'you are more feminine than masculine.' It may seem obvious to some people what the answer is, but it isn't to me.

I really don't know who or what I am. I know the answer comes from within, but I can't find it. No matter how deep I look, or how hard I try, I just can't come to a conclusive answer. I don't know if I will be happier being a male or a female. I don't know whether I will be happier expressing my femininity constantly, rather than my genetic and natural masculinity. Deep inside I know there is something wrong, I just don't know what. I don't know what to do.

I plan on seeing a gender therapist as soon as I can (but which may be a fair while off yet). Can anyone please offer me some insights? What can I do in the mean time? How did you come to terms with who you really are? How did you conclude as to what gender you were truly meant to be? What can I do to relieve some of the pressure and confusion? Anything you can tell me about or explain to me would be of great help and will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all for your time.

By the way, I am deeply sorry if I came off as rude, immature or if I in anyway offended anyone here. I am just confused about my true self. You are all truly wonderful people, and trust you with anything. Thank you all so much.

[Sarah_Faith]

Join the club  

Seeing a gender therapist is a good idea. I'm still waiting, 9 days left.

Like yourself, days go up and down for me, from certainty to managing to put up with how things are, but never being happy about it. I know well I'd be happier being female full time, it's the rest of the world's response that holds me back from jumping straight in.

Don't worry too much if it seems confusing, it is. Something this huge that seems so straightforward when your here, but is not ever discussed in day to day life is a lot to think about!

Keep reading other peoples experiences here, it may help you decide better. Get talking to a therapist anyway, it can only help

Sarah.x

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Dizzyy,

Welcome to our little family. Over 3500 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out

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Blessed Be.
Janet

[Karlee]

Oh I do hope things go well for you. Good luck to you!

Yeah, some days it is obvious, and then others, not so much!

That is exactly right. So much social conditioning. 

I will be sure to. All the people here have so much to offer. Just reading experiences of other people keeps me going and keeps me thinking and searching for who I am.

Thank you for you post.
All the best.

[Deanna_Renee]

Umm... Dizzyy? Did you peek into my journal and copy that?

Your accounts of your feelings are so close to what I have felt for a long time. I had fantasized extensively about how wonderful it would be to become a shapeshifter, so that I could become what ever form of girl I was in the mood to be on a given day (never really considered the changing to a boy though). I had even pondered the possibility/feasibility of a brain transplant, my brain transplanted into a poor, brain-dead, girls body. This was before I really knew that transitioning was a reality that could be mine.

Although, I have never really wanted to be a guy. I have spent a great deal of my life getting 'comfortable' with playing the part of a guy (for 48 years) and even now, there are days when I don't really obsess over being a girl and fall into that part of being a guy.

There is nothing wrong with being confused, this is not an easy road to trod. This is the single biggest decision you will ever have to make in your life. You should be questioning yourself with great intensity. Give yourself the third degree, I might draw the line at waterboarding or other such torture techniques (I don't condone or support torture or violence), but certainly question every part of yourself. Once the cut is made, there ain't no goin back.

I know that for me, there is no hesitation that I want to transition, I need to transition. Sure, if I were forced into it, I could continue to live a convincing performance as a guy for the rest of my life (it would likely be a shorter life), but given the option of staying the same or undergoing many painful, invasive, life altering proceedures that will take a number years to get through and recover from to become a woman - without hesitation, bring on the scalpels, electrolysis machines, bone burrs, hormones, sutures, etc.

I hope this helps a teensy bit.

Deanna

[Cindy]

Hi Dizzyy

The more you read of other MtF experiences the more they sound the same. There is nothing odd, wrong or horrible about you. You are as normal as anyone else in the world, just a bit more perfect.

As others have said a therapist will help. Not sure were you are as far as country. Things differ around the world. You can try school counsellors or your family doc as well. There are some references in the health section that may help if you are in the USA.

BTW, nothing wrong with your posts at all. You sound a very interesting, polite and educated young lady (if I may pass judgement )


Cindy

[Karlee]

Oh my goodness! It feels so great knowing that you, Deanna_Renee, know what I am going through! Oh my gosh! I have thought about that exact thing! Changing my brain with a girl! Wow...that is a very big coincidence!

Oh you are spot on there! That would be a wonderful thing. Become what I want, when I want! If only it were that easy!

I am estatic that you know what you want! Congratulations! I hope you become truly happy.
Someday, I wish to truly know who I am, and what I want.

Thank you so much for your reply, Deanna! You have really opened my eyes as to what I am feeling, an the fact that I am not completely alone. You have eased the pain somewhat, and now feel like I have a friend who can help me, and guide me. Thank you so much!

CindyJames, I know exactly what you mean! Everybody here is unique in their own wonderful way, but are also very similar!

By the way, "You sound a very interesting, polite and educated young lady..." Ahh....I got butterflies and a massive grin when I read that. It felt...good being acknowledged as a lady.

Thank you both very much for you replies, and for your time. I wish each of you the best for the very near future! Take care of yourself.

Love,
Dizzyy.

[jesse]

hi Dizzyy
let first tell you i work in law enforcement and in order to be employed as such you have to under go a battery of metal tests in order to insure the person being hired is mentally stable. So our condition is actually considered normal since the tests are designed to root out abnormal personality disorders or criminalistic tendancies. This to me indicates that gid is a genetic issue that occures prior to birth and presents after birth around the age of 4-5 years old. which is the reason many of us would like to see it removed from the DSM. I too have been battleing this for many many years in fact it is my oppinion that the majority of mental harm and stress that most of us feel is our own doing by trying to suppress our true identities to conform to societies norms. i read just recently that GID may be more common then once thought and may be present in as many as 1 and 4 males and 1-10 females if this is the case thenit would explain the great hostility that some people express towards us. They may in fact be seeing something in themselfs when they see us and since they are actively supressing it raises anger and anxiety issues in them.
jessica
P.S. i know of at least 3 officers who have either transitioned on the job or are in the process of it not including myself. One of which is a narcotics officer 1 is patrol 1 works for the it department of a florida agency and 1 is a homicide detective here in denver.
jessica

[Karlee]

Hey Jesse.

Wow. That is very insightful. "So our condition is actually considered normal since the tests are designed to root out abnormal personality disorders or criminalistic tendancies." That makes me feel better about who I really am! Then again, we all are normal people at heart. There is nothing wrong with who we are.

I know where you are coming from. It can be difficult at times.

Oh wow! 1 in 4 males? That is a very large amount of people! And 1 in 10 females is just as large! It seems very strange, personally, how people like us can be discriminated against, when the odds may be that large, and that it wasn't our choice. Very interesting.

I hope all goes well for you! Good luck my friend. I sincerely hope that you find and become who you truly want to be.
Thank you for your post, and thank you for your time.

Love,
Dizzyy.

[jesse]

it is also interesting to note that GID can be confirmed at autopsy and has been shown to be a valid condition. The difference between the male and female brain occurs in the frontal area and is very small.  in persons known to have suffered from GID the area affected at autopsy shows that the persons brain is the oppisite of their birth gender. Unfortunately it is not detectable threw normal scans and mri tests so therapists are relegated to evaluating histories and the persons presentation in order to confirm GID which is not always effective hence the reason we have people who have SRS and then regret having it.
Jessica

[Karlee]

Oh wow. That is very interesting!

Aww its a shame the moderinsed technology can't quite pick up on it. Oh well, we still have the therapists. They are a miracle! I can't wait to find one located in a close area to me, so that I can finally come to terms with what I want. The excitement!

Thank you for your post Jesse. You really seem to know your stuff. I admire that. Thanks for the insights!

Love,
Dizzyy.
Post Merge: October 23, 2009, 06:34:01 AM
I don't know if I am allowed to post two things in a row or not, so I am deeply sorry if I am breaking any rules.

How long do I have to wait before I can send Personal Messages? I just recieved one, and I want to reply, but it won't let me. I am sorry, I don't want it to seem as if I am ignoring you. I hope you can see this post, as I would like to keep in touch with you, because you have so much to offer me.

In the meantime, take care of yourself, and I hope to keep in contact with you in the forums.

Love,
Dizzyy.