This Halloween Idea and Tell My Wife

[Aantoin]

Well I thought I would try to get my wife involved in me telling her that I am a female in a male body.  I started to buy my stuff off of ebay and then once I bought my.... wait a minute I didn't tell you what I was going to do for Halloween.  Last year I bought some Vampire fangs that I never really used and decided to play a twist with it this year.  I didn't have to think about it for very long, Gothic Punk Female Vampire.  I thought I was very cleaver with this and my wife wouldn't really know what I was trying to do.  I had already bought my pants from China.  They are so beautiful.  Here is a picture of them:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120476087305&ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT

Once I had already purchased them I told my wife what I was going for.  She called me Gay, ->-bleeped-<-et, Shut UP, Get out, and I was so flabergasted.  I didnt expect her to do this expecially for Halloween.  I expected her to help with the makeup and go for the helpless male trying to put this all together. 

I still bought my wig:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=220469938980&ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT

Arm Warmers:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=220491742119&ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT

And some cheap but very rockin boots:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350260758145&ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT

The picture that they provided isn't very good but I did some searching and found the same boots.  Now that my wife knows about all of this, she has already told me to sell them.   We had a very long discussion the following night and she pinned me in the corner and made me tell her everything.  When she told me that she wanted a Divorce.  I am still shookin about this but we have gotten over the divorce issue and working together on staying together. 

With all this I think she has buried this deep in her memory.  She's not really mad anymore at me as trying to forget what I said.  I did bring it back up yesterday and she said I'm not going to do anything except to sell everything off.  I am so disappointed but glad I am still in this marriage.  I plan on keeping all of this but not sure how to tell her.

I dont know what to say now......

[heatherrose]

Every situation is different, there is no right way to spring this on anybody.
You have been dealing with this for what I am sure to you seems like a lifetime,
this is a bolt out of a blue for your wife. To her, you have struck a blow at the
very foundation that she laid of the understanding she had of how she identified
you and the part she sees you playing in her life. This part of you is completely
foreign to her. I have no answers for you, as I broached the subject with my ex
in a similar fashion and the results were emotionally volatile. I suggest that, if you
haven't already, find a therapist experienced with issues of gender presentation.
Together, you may be able to find the answers that you need.

[Aantoin]

That is one thing that we did talk about for a minute.  I am just confused right now.  I cant live with out her, she makes me whole but I am not myself, I cant be myself.  We have been married for 9 years, 2 kids and dont want to loose it, I am just hoping that she lets me be ME!  Maybe not all the time but just to let me stretch out, show her who I am and have fun. 

This is the thing.  Shes known something was different with me for the past few years and she absolutely thought I was gay, close but not accurate.  At least she knows the truth now.  The day that she wants me to become myself will be scary because I don't know what her real reaction she will show.  Shes scary like that.  You could say mental or emotional abuse could be here but ...... I don't know if I really know her right now.  But we are working together to get back what we use to have.  So not all is lost.

[Windrider]

Aantoin, there is probably a lot going through your wife's mind right now. You pretty much dropped a bomb on her and it's going to take a while for your wife to sort things out. Things can work out, but you both are going to have to work at it. I'm glad you are talking about things; communication and honesty are going to be necessary. I would highly recommend a gender therapist for you both as well. Having a third party to talk to can help a lot.

And she can always post in the SO's section or chat

WR

[Aantoin]

I don't know if I want to do it in this area where I live.  This is a tight community and once someone talks everyone tells.  I don't want this to get out yet but I have told the people that I know won't say a word.  I would go out as myself if I am with a friend but not by myself yet.  I would need a friendly friend to give me support.  I am very cautious when it comes to public opinion, word gets around fast in this small area.

[Eva Marie]

Aantoin, there is probably a lot going through your wife's mind right now. You pretty much dropped a bomb on her and it's going to take a while for your wife to sort things out. Things can work out, but you both are going to have to work at it. I'm glad you are talking about things; communication and honesty are going to be necessary. I would highly recommend a gender therapist for you both as well. Having a third party to talk to can help a lot.

this.

You've had years to think about your situation. She has not. It would be like her suddenly wanting to dress as a man for Halloween because shes "had these feelings for years, and is thinking that she is a FTM". Would that shock you, coming suddenly from her out of the blue? She is feeling the same right now about you. You have shaken her foundations.

Slow your roll a bit, communicate, and make sure that she knows that you love her.

Therapy with both of you involved would also be a very good idea.

[Aantoin]

I imagined that before I even said anything.  I analyze and then over analyze.  We had issues before this and this one set her over her threshold.  Therapy is going to be part of it our decision making, just not sure when therapy will be set.

We just had an interesting conversation over the phone..." Lets see how you do on picking out my cloths. "  That was very shocking to me.  Lets see how I do, I will tell tonight when she comes home (Midnight).

[Julie Marie]

In college I had a girl friend who suggested we switch genders for Halloween.  We had a lot of fun.  I don't see why your wife went ballistic when all she knew at the time was you wanted to dress up as a girl.  Lots of guys do that.  Or am I missing something?

Now that it's out, the rest doesn't sound good.  Hopefully you can work things out.

Julie

[juliekins]

With all due respect, you call this a marriage?!

Her reaction was so far misplaced, it's scary. How totally disrespectful to you. You share the most intimate part of your core with her, and she insults you and threatens to divorce you. And you want to stay with a person like this??

What you do is up to you, but for a person like this, having a TG person in the house or relationship will never be allowed. She sounds so much like my ex it isn't funny. If I even moved, walked or danced  too effeminately, she would bash me and call me gay etc. It took me about 5 years in therapy to realize that I was in an emotionally,if not physically abusive marriage. I decided to save myself and my kids and get out! It was the best decision I ever made. Her vengeful ways continued in and out of our divorce proceedings.

I don't know your wife, but I sure know those actions. I'm happily transitioned and married to a wonderful woman who completely understands and accepts me. Good luck with your situation!   

[heatherrose]

The parallels with your experiences with your wife and
those that I had with mine, are painful. Please proceed with
this very carefully. As soon as you can, start into therapy.

[Aantoin]

Don't get me wrong here but I honestly contributed most of whats wrong in our relationship and the pieces are falling back in place.  I have a hobby that consisted of a lot of R/C vehicles, around $10,000 has or had been invested into it.  One thing that she said was I invest to much time and effort into those than her and I was.  This is just one of the things that was taking me away from her.  There are more and we are working together to get them fixed, literally.

I still need to tell her that I need a time to be myself, if not here at our household, then at one of my closest friends.  BTW last night she was surprised on what I got her to wear, she had a little snicker like I did amazingly good.  I just couldn't find myself going through her drawer of underwear that's complete full that can't be closed.  But when she got the ones out she wanted..... they where the same ones I imagined.

[Miniar]

You've had good advice so far and my advice is (as usual), give her time to come around.

But I have to ask, how can she make you whole, if you're not even you with her?
Can it be that you're just so attached to the idea of your relationship that you're unable to consider what it'd be like without it?

[juliekins]

Don't get me wrong here but I honestly contributed most of whats wrong in our relationship and the pieces are falling back in place.  I have a hobby that consisted of a lot of R/C vehicles, around $10,000 has or had been invested into it.  One thing that she said was I invest to much time and effort into those than her and I was.  This is just one of the things that was taking me away from her.  There are more and we are working together to get them fixed, literally.

I still need to tell her that I need a time to be myself, if not here at our household, then at one of my closest friends.  BTW last night she was surprised on what I got her to wear, she had a little snicker like I did amazingly good.  I just couldn't find myself going through her drawer of underwear that's complete full that can't be closed.  But when she got the ones out she wanted..... they where the same ones I imagined.

Ok, I might agree that if you share a budget, then you should agree on limits in certain areas. On the other hand, you might like your time away from her with the R/C stuff.

If what I understand is true, she is rewarding you when you pay her attention, and SHE and only she can relish in anything feminine. Based upon her first reaction, she will go volcanic again when you bring up your need to go out as your female self. My ex used to act all nice and cute when I did manly things around the house. As soon as I showed my female presence, she lost it. My experience tells me that you can't negotiate with a person who has as many hang ups as she does.

Again, I go back to the question. Why are you willing to tolerate someone who belittles and berates you? (the real you)

What TG's need to understand is, we start our relationship over again once you tip our hands and reveal our secret to our spouses or partner. They either like us, as women, or they tolerate us, or they despise us. It's usually that clear. Mine happened to despise me, and during the course of therapy I learned that it wouldn't be healthy for me or the kids to live in a hostile environment. Good luck, as I said before. I know it's difficult to try and see it as it really is....

[heatherrose]

I am not sure if Juliekins is referring to her own experiences or mine. It is
remarkable how the stories of such a diverse group of individuals can be so
similar. Please walk carefully on this path and get some counseling soon. 

[Windrider]

Don't get me wrong here but I honestly contributed most of whats wrong in our relationship and the pieces are falling back in place.  I have a hobby that consisted of a lot of R/C vehicles, around $10,000 has or had been invested into it.  One thing that she said was I invest to much time and effort into those than her and I was.  This is just one of the things that was taking me away from her.  There are more and we are working together to get them fixed, literally.

I can understand this. Dani and I went through something similar. Dani was spending a lot of time and energy trying to suppress her need to transition, that she didn't have enough time or energy for me. As a consequence, I felt rather neglected during that time (8 years). Transition was actually good for our marriage (YMMV of course); our relationship is actually better now than it was before Dani decided she needed to transition. We talk more, have a more loving and equal relationship now. It wasn't an easy journey for us to get where we are now. We fought more in the last year then we did in the 8 previous years...but then we've *talked* more in the last year than in the 8 previous years. We put a lot of effort in repairing communication channels and into becoming better partners.

I'm glad to year that you and your wife are talking about things and I'm glad you are considering therapy. I'm hoping that everything works out for you both

WR

[juliekins]

I am not sure if Juliekins is referring to her own experiences or mine. It is
remarkable how the stories of such a diverse group of individuals can be so
similar. Please walk carefully on this path and get some counseling soon. 

I was actually referring to my personal situation with my ex-wife. Then again, it doesn't surprise me that more than a few of us have had similar things happen. WHen you throw in people with certain gender expectations and concerns for their financial security with those who need to transtion, sometimes a melee starts up.

[Aantoin]

Yesterday I decided to take my new acquired boots into work with me and I have told almost everyone I work with what I plan on doing for "Halloween."  I wore them almost all night and at some points I was embarrassed about going onto the floor to walk around (male factor), they are the ones that I posted above,  I will post an image of the boots on later tonight when the kids are in bed,  I felt very comfortable wearing them and walking around in them I actually forgot at times that I was wearing them (just standing around).  I love these boots so much! Also they are HOTT!