Another night, my thoughts

[Sarah_Faith]

I went out again tonight. I'm allowed, I'm Irish! Fair enough I know I probably drink too much, but I'm sure any TG has issues with substance abuse, and I'm sure I have a natural genetic tolerence for this most wonderful of substances, thus I continue.

I must start by thanking all of you's for putting up with my rants of late. I suppose we all need them from time to time. I'm a naturally ranting person about stuff in general, so when it comes to this, nothing is stronger.

So here's why I feel the need to vent this so strongly. Like anyone, I can talk most freely after a few drinks. Irish culture relies on it way too much, but lets continue with this. I wanna try explain how I feel without any inhabitions. How I naturally feel without societie's say so's.

My entire life has been consumed by this, as I'm sure most can relate to. Complete obsession with and inability to avert to it. I was at a club tonight. Please tell me if people can understand me here, as it's something I unfortunatly haven't yet had the opportunity to talk to anyone in real life about yet.

When I see a beautiful girl / woman, I don't think anything sexual or how great it would be to be with her. I think ' I'd love to BE her'. I really must emphasise this point as it has been a pinnacle upon which my life balances. I have always looked at women and found them attractive, difference is I look at someone and think how utterly jealous I am that she naturally has everything I want.

Some of the most astoundingly beautiful women were out tonight and all I could feel was envy. What I want really is feedback as to whether average joe also gets this feeling, or its due to my gender dysphoria and dare anyone question that!

So I'm back now talking away doing what I love to do. Listening to music (Radiohead now) I find it motivational and uplifting, wearing my underwear, night dress and tshirt that I wear every night. I now feel comfortable nattering away to all who understand me.

So there's me for tonight. Good night, one full of envy, a good night, but I know when I wake up in the morning that the anxiety will set in and I will yet again start to question myself and all I'm certain of. I imagine countless of yous have had something similar, so please, please, please if you can give some insight, I'll be only delighted to receive it.

I love and admire you all Sarah.x

[Eva Marie]

I'd guess that the average joe is mainly plotting on how to get these beautiful women in bed, and is not wishing to be anything like her.

I totally get everything that you said, having had the same thoughts myself.

Cheers 
Riven

[Julie Marie]

I'm Irish too.  I can relate.

When those thoughts surfaced I quickly stuffed them back deep inside me.  It hurt too much.  I knew I'd never know that life, that I'd go to my grave male. 

Funny what denial can do to a person.  And what an amazing revelation breaking down the walls of denial can be.

Rather than investing your time and money on intoxication and dreaming, why not make a promise to yourself you're going to start making some positive steps forward, toward fulfilling your dreams?  I used to do what you described.  I don't need to anymore.

Julie

[Randi]

Hi, I also have a fair amount of 'Ire' in my background and look at girls in the same way-I don't want to be 'with' them in a romantic way I want to be 'like' them anatomically. I used to drink a great deal to avoid reality but it eventually returns-oftentimes with a vengence. Denial is something I now avoid at all costs having had it come back to haunt me. My reality is dealing with my gender issues directly with a sober mind that can reason accurately-if I am tipsy I can't be certain that I percieve things as they really are so I just don't go there anymore. When I can't deal with a certain situation and am depressed I may drink a bit but I have a very low tolerance and know my limitations. I learned this the hard way.

So now I am focused entirely on taking the next step toward becoming the girl I have always wanted to be. I know at times the road will be difficult but I know I have to be true to myself and will not try to live as someone I know I can never be. I have at times been stubborn and obstinate but have been able to transfer this into a dogged determination that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to do-except ignore my true identity. I cannot simply will myself to go on thru my life as just another man because I am not. I have always been a girl and am finally comfortable expressing it.

Randi

[aubrey]

Envy..OMG yes it hits me all of the time, but is better now since I started transition. It's a major part of being trans. I'm betting most of us have it.

BTW: I'm not saying everyone who drinks is an alcoholic but justifying drinking behaviour is kind of a sign that there might be a problem?

[placeholdername]

Well for me it was a little bit of both... wanting to be 'her'... and wanting to be with 'her', but not as 'me'.

But I definitely know that insane envy/jealous feeling when you see someone who is heartbreakingly beautiful in every way that you wish you could be naturally.  What I wouldn't do to be able to take some kind of magic pill and wake up like 'her'...

[Lisa Howard]

Hey Hun,
Yea I relate to all you have said here. I'm from Scottish/Irish decent, and now in recovery from alcoholism after years of self destruction, landing up in court several times etc, etc.

I think this is the case for many of us, but taking small steps will help.maybe seek some counselling first,  see your GP about it, he may be able to refer you 

I firmly believe this will help you

love and light


Lisa xx

[jesse]

awww the envi of it... a deadly sin so says the church... i know it well. when i see beautiful women its definately my gid that acts up. The first thing i do is look at some reflective surface a window or whatever is handy and get imeadiately depressed. After that i would get mad or at least i use to not so much now that i understand what is going on. Id get mad because i thought it wasnt fair. Why am i trapped in this body and shes free to walk around and be happy. Granted it wasnt her fault that genetics loved her more then me but it still didnt help.
in the end id stuff it back down inside to not do so would have put me over the edge and went on with my life. I equate it to what a person who could see and then is sudenly blind must feel like. when your pre puberty the gid is there but when you look in the mirror it somehow isnt to bad because you dont see the beard or the other things that T was destined to do to yet. as you get older it gets harder and harder to face that image and thoughts of suicide start to creep into your head. I wonder if the younger transwomen who are still wavering on wether or not to transition realize that T continues to wreak havoc on your body as you get older. lets look at these changes
1. deeping of the voice teenage years
2. facial hair
3. increase in muscle size
4. increase in bone mass until full fusion
5 increase in feet and hand size continues into mid life i gained an inch and a half in shoe size between 20 and 30
6. increase in jaw and skull shape maxing out mid life Mature stage
7. increase in nasal and ear hair mid life to old age
8. increase in ear and nose size mid to old age
9. increase in aggressiveness and lowering of tolerance as ageing progresses may not be T related but i have noticed this alot in older men
to me its eay to see why the gid gets progressively worse as you age.

[Karlee]

Hey there.

I can relate to that. It happens to me all the time.
I become jealous with what they have, because I don't have it.
Just the fact that they can walk around wearing bra's, skirts, dresses, makeup and have their hair how they want to, whereas if I even wear a bobby pin, I get picked on for it.

That is social conditioning and expectations at their best. But I suppose, if we accept ourselves, then others can accept us.

I hope that answers your question.
I hope you are feeling better. Take care of yourself.

Love,
Dizzyy.

[SilverShadow]

I equate it to what a person who could see and then is sudenly blind must feel like. when your pre puberty the gid is there but when you look in the mirror it somehow isnt to bad because you dont see the beard or the other things that T was destined to do to yet. as you get older it gets harder and harder to face that image and thoughts of suicide start to creep into your head. I wonder if the younger transwomen who are still wavering on wether or not to transition realize that T continues to wreak havoc on your body as you get older. lets look at these changes...

I'd say this is all definitely true. I in fact realized the existance of the whole GID problem just a few months ago. On the other hand, I'm already 18 so it's kind of confusing. As in, more confusing than usually. Most people seem to realize treir ->-bleeped-<- at a very young age. I didn't. Probably exactly becouse T started causing its damage only some years ago, when I was around twelve. After that age I've had a few periods of depression that seemed to no clear reason behind them. Am I the only one to see a possible connection here? Right now I'd say I'm suffering from depression again but on the positive side, at least this time I know the main cause of it. Then again, positive side? Is it really? It's obvious that there is nothing I can do to this dysphoria for at least a couple of years... I also keep thinking that this can't be real becouse I figured it out this late. I mean, I'm totally sure that I'm in fact a girl, but having nothing in my past pointing to ->-bleeped-<- that I can think of, I feel like an outsider, like no one (inside the trans community, mainly) could ever accept me as a girl/woman.

And as for younger transwomen thinking about the ongoing effects of T, yes, at least I do think about that. And it just makes me more depressed. Oh yeah, seeing that detailed list of effects of T makes me feel even worse, if possible.

Whoops, this ended up being mostly random ranting about me... Sorry. If anyone feels I'm threadjacking, please say so and I'll delete the post.

And Dizzyy, welcome to Susan's. 

[Randi]

Hi Silvershadow,

I've know that I was 'different' since I was very young but due to parental pressure to conform I learned quickly to keep my thoughts to myself. If you cant do anything else about your situation you can study and learn-your mind is where progress starts anyway. I second guessed my sexuality always-It's real and it doesn't just go away-that's why therapists are so important to the process. The most important thing to keep in mind is this- accept yourself for who you are now. The future will fall into proper order when you can do this. There will be struggles and problems but this is how we learn. I know I'm a girl in an old man's body and I can't worry about who might not like it. Let me qualify that by saying society by and large will not be nice and accept you as you are without trying to get you to conform. That's what I did and I am struggling with the results of repressed emotions now. On the subject of Testosterone, it will harden your features, make it more difficult to look feminine, and it WILL eventually make hair fall out never to return.

Be honest and truthful with yourself now and you will save yourself much grief later on. I wasn't and now I have a wife and son who's feelings I have to consider as well as my own. I love them and will attempt to protect them from the confusion and distress my current situation has caused. And as far as hijacking the thread-if you are actively seeking to share honestly and learn, that's why we are here-I don't think anyone will delete your thread unless you are blatently abusive to someone else. I consider us to be extremely fortunate to have found this site to share and learn.

Love,
Randi

[Sarah_Faith]

"I consider us to be extremely fortunate to have found this site to share and learn. "

+1

SilverShadow. It's been lovely talking to you here. Just keep doing what your doing. Your a lovely person with better English than most of my friends

The night I posted this thread is but a memory now, but a strong one at that. I stayed in with my girlfriend tonight. Just having a drink, as ya do, and watching tv. It was kinda funny. She was the one drinking the beer and I was the one with the glass of red wine. Even more, we were on the couch, her sitting normally, me the one with my feet over her. It was just total role reversal. I wasn't doing it for any reason, it just happened. She said it was 'gay' for me to be drinking wine and she was the butch one drinking beer. I kinda flipped out to this, just to let my dissaprooval be known. I very much let her know that her drinking beer and me drinking red wine was because that's what I wanted to do and I couldn't give a sh1t what other people thought. She stepped back quick enough. It wasn't me wanting to get at her, just a slight nudge in the direction of what I will eventually be telling her.

So I just lay there, thinking about how nice it was to, in my head anyway, accept me. I just acted natural, not trying to be 'manly' in any way. Just nice and relaxed and me-like. We enjoyed the night and when I see my therapist for the first time in 7 days, I will discuss more on this and where to go from here.

I love  and admire you all,

Sarah.x

[SilverShadow]

SilverShadow. It's been lovely talking to you here. Just keep doing what your doing. Your a lovely person with better English than most of my friends

Thank you. 

So I just lay there, thinking about how nice it was to, in my head anyway, accept me. I just acted natural, not trying to be 'manly' in any way. Just nice and relaxed and me-like. We enjoyed the night and when I see my therapist for the first time in 7 days, I will discuss more on this and where to go from here.

That's nice to read. I do have a bunch other comments to your post but I'm literally too tired to keep my thoughts together, let alone write them into comrehensible language, so I'll get back to that later... Anyway, hope it goes well with the terapist.

I'll reply to your PM, well, honestly, as soon as I don't feel to tired to write a longer post. Heck, I slept got 10 hours last night (and before that lay awake in by bed for maybe 2 hours before finally falling asleep) and I've felt totally powerless physically and kind of numb mentally for the whole day - the same I have for a few days already. Depression? Oh yeah, no question about it... It's never been this bad before. Now I'm just literally too tired to do anything. This post is probably a mess, too. I just can't think straight right now.