Am I allowed to type here?

[red]

ANyway, I am so frustrated.  This does NOT apply to people on this forum... but...
people ignore me.  they act like they don't see me or that i'm invisible.  makes me wonder if i'm a ghost and this life is purgatory and i'm stuck here.  i'm scared of going to purgatory or hell.  i try to do the right things and think good thoughts but there is so much evil in the world today that i'm scared it's rubbing off on me.  one of my people promised revenge, but i haven't seen it yet... well with one person who sees my counselor.  she used to make fun of me at school and from what i hear now, she's a miserable person on the inside.  that's the way bullies are.  they feel so bad about themselves that they have to lash out at others to make themselves feel on top of the world.  to be totally honest, i wish that i could get out of this painful body and get into spirit form.  i, myself, am miserable being in this body.  and lately i've been seeing things.  example: ants on the carpet, circles of blue on the walls, sometimes it looks like the door is opening or closing but it's really not moving at all.  just all kinds of freaky stuff.  i wore a shirt once with bees on it and i freaked out trying to get them off.  I took off my shirt and stompt it.  my mum always tells me to get rest.  docs say that i have these episodes when i've been deprived of sleep.

i am very mad at myself.  i don't really know why.  i'm more mad at myself than anyone else and .... i cannot take anymore screaming from my niece!!! she's driving me batty.  AHHH!

[Sarah Louise]

Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day.

Sarah L.

[red]

Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day.

Sarah L.

Bless your heart, thank you Sarah!  Thank you.  This may be silly, but what you said reminds me of Rainbow Brite song "Brand new day".  Lord willing, tomorrow is a new day... a new day to put today as a yesterday
Thanks again!!  You made my day brighter   

[heatherrose]

Baby boy, I can not tell you the world and all it's efuppedness is going
to get any better, I am sure it never will. We have control over no one
in this world, except for ourselves. I know your anguish, as I am sure just
about everyone that visits this site does also. We have all been where you
are right now, at one time or another. All I can tell you is, YOU can learn to
be happy with who you are but it will be long winding road. There are people
who love you, make the effort to love them back and love yourself.

[red]

Baby boy, I can not tell you the world and all it's efuppedness is going
to get any better, I am sure it never will. We have control over no one
in this world, except for ourselves. I know your anguish, as I am sure just
about everyone that visits this site does also. We have all been where you
are right now, at one time or another. All I can tell you is, YOU can learn to
be happy with who you are but it will be long winding road. There are people
who love you, make the effort to love them back and love yourself.

thanks!  i appreciate your comments.

now the ppl at my blog are making a mess of it.  i'm being watched TOO closely.  i'm already paranoid as it is.

[Sarah Louise]

I'm not sure what your looking for Red, these are Forums, everyone is free to respond to any post.

Relax, enjoy yourself here.  No one is out to get you.

Sarah L.

[finewine]

now the ppl at my blog are making a mess of it.  i'm being watched TOO closely.  i'm already paranoid as it is.

Oh really, that's quite unfair.  I think the replies you've been getting have been even handed and rational.  Quite frankly, when you make unfounded accusations of sarcasm etc. you're directly and personally creating the very antipathy you seem to resent.

For example, there was no hint of sarcasm or harshness in my one reply to you - and on re-reading it, I struggle to see how even the most obtuse of readers could have interpreted it that way.  I was trying to be gently supportive but I guess nothing but absolute agreement is acceptable to you. As a result of your reaction, I've gone from someone with absolutely no negative perception of you at all to someone who's now got you mentally filed under "oddball who needs cognitive behavioural therapy".  Congratulations.  Oh and that's not sarcasm either - I genuinely do think you might benefit from CBT.

In the meantime, I suggest you go create a wordpress blog or something, disable comments in the settings and then you can speak your mind as much as you like without a single reply.  I imagine nobody will watch too closely either, so that should be perfect for you.

[Lachlann]

Oh really, that's quite unfair.  I think the replies you've been getting have been even handed and rational.  Quite frankly, when you make unfounded accusations of sarcasm etc. you're directly and personally creating the very antipathy you seem to resent.

For example, there was no hint of sarcasm or harshness in my one reply to you - and on re-reading it, I struggle to see how even the most obtuse of readers could have interpreted it that way.  I was trying to be gently supportive but I guess nothing but absolute agreement is acceptable to you. As a result of your reaction, I've gone from someone with absolutely no negative perception of you at all to someone who's now got you mentally filed under "oddball who needs cognitive behavioural therapy".  Congratulations.  Oh and that's not sarcasm either - I genuinely do think you might benefit from CBT.

In the meantime, I suggest you go create a wordpress blog or something, disable comments in the settings and then you can speak your mind as much as you like without a single reply.  I imagine nobody will watch too closely either, so that should be perfect for you.

I agree.

This is how people are in RL as well. Everyone has an opinion, everyone tends to have something to say whether it be support or an argument against it. From the posts I have seen, people have been nothing but civil toward you and even supportive. Trying to allow you to see it from another point of view. They could be much, much more harsh or brutal but they aren't.

What I do think is that you're being paranoid before you have reason to. And you know, considering most of us here come from a harsh life, I can see why you might be quick to think such things. However, you need to relax, you're amongst friends.

[axlred66]

i had them to close my other account. this is still the same person btw. red.

last two who commented, thanks.  you're both right.

don't worry about me having a different journal somewhere else... that's been done for a while.

i don't know what to say.  i'm afraid to talk.  i'll skrew it up again if i do.

the reason i came back was to check up on the news of me being an 'oddball'.

i'm glad i have a different journal. i only have 2 friends on my friends list because i don't choose to have tons of friends.  i like it that way. i'd rather have one good friend than 100 bad ones.

i'm not being mean, but those who don't understand my illness already, before anything is said, one *should* TRY to understand the weird one.

dang i've said too much already.   

[Just Kate]

For reasons purely related to curiosity, do you struggle with high functioning autism or perhaps a degree of schizophrenia?  Reading your posts and also how you seem to view how the world reacts to you, these are ringing a lot of bells.  I noticed you said you see a psych - is it only for gender related things?

BTW, don't feel obligated to answer my admittedly VERY intrusive questions, but I feel if we understood where you were coming from we might be able to better understand how to interact with you - something that might make you feel more comfortable. 

[axlred66]

For reasons purely related to curiosity, do you struggle with high functioning autism or perhaps a degree of schizophrenia?  Reading your posts and also how you seem to view how the world reacts to you, these are ringing a lot of bells.  I noticed you said you see a psych - is it only for gender related things?

BTW, don't feel obligated to answer my admittedly VERY intrusive questions, but I feel if we understood where you were coming from we might be able to better understand how to interact with you - something that might make you feel more comfortable.

Thank you for being nice about it.  I've been diagnosed with DID, bipolar 2 with psychotic features and my family doctor told me he believes that what i have is schizophrenia.

DID is about my people.  They tend to come out to block me from getting hurt.  Sometimes they're mean. I cannot control them.

I see a psych, but it's totally for my mental illness, not the gender thing.  I also used to be a severe cutter.  I often cut til I seen funny tissue under the skin.  I never got stitches for them and now I'm literally covered in scars on my arms and legs.  It's embarassing and people don't understood why i cut.  i cut because i hated my body and i didn't have any friends.  btw for not having friends, i made up my own, but they soon took over my emotions.  what you are seeing now is Michael.  When I'm so/so, then Kyle takes over.  When I'm full of anger, rage and wrath, Robert is in control.

it's okay i answered your questions because i want people to understand me a bit better instead of talking so hateful to me.  my dad did enough of that when i was a child.  i didn't make an effort to come out of the blue and tell everyone because i knew they'd not believe me... not until they actually seen it happen.

by the way you can go to google dot com and look for psychotic features of bipolar disorder.

i'll see if this link works:  http://bipolar.about.com/od/psychoticfeatures/Psychotic_Features_of_Bipolar_Disorder.htm

and just so you understand more, here's a list of all my medications that i take for my 'mental' illness:  prozac 60mg, klonopin .5mg 3X a day, abilify 25mg, trazodone 100mg, and depakote 500mg.
Post Merge: October 22, 2009, 04:25:05 AM

For reasons purely related to curiosity, do you struggle with high functioning autism or perhaps a degree of schizophrenia?  Reading your posts and also how you seem to view how the world reacts to you, these are ringing a lot of bells.  I noticed you said you see a psych - is it only for gender related things?

BTW, don't feel obligated to answer my admittedly VERY intrusive questions, but I feel if we understood where you were coming from we might be able to better understand how to interact with you - something that might make you feel more comfortable.

here's a good link too.  it fits me to a "T".  but I don't think anyone notices, esepcially my parents.

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/suicide/a/9805_redflags3.htm

[finewine]

Thank you for being nice about it.  I've been diagnosed with DID, bipolar 2 with psychotic features and my family doctor told me he believes that what i have is schizophrenia.

DID is about my people.  They tend to come out to block me from getting hurt.  Sometimes they're mean. I cannot control them.

You have my genuine and heartfelt sympathies.

it's okay i answered your questions because i want people to understand me a bit better instead of talking so hateful to me.

Again, I don't know that anyone (here at least) has been hateful at all.  As others have said, you are among friends here.  I would expect any friend of mine to advise or correct me if they think I'm in error or misconstruing something.  Clearly your mental illness helps to understand your communication style better and thank you for sharing that.  I realize it must have been difficult and I appreciate the gesture.  Good for you!

[axlred66]

You have my genuine and heartfelt sympathies.

Again, I don't know that anyone (here at least) has been hateful at all.  As others have said, you are among friends here.  I would expect any friend of mine to advise or correct me if they think I'm in error or misconstruing something.  Clearly your mental illness helps to understand your communication style better and thank you for sharing that.  I realize it must have been difficult and I appreciate the gesture.  Good for you!

Thank you for the kind word(s).  It makes me happy to know that you understand me a bit better and why I was the way I was.  It is very difficult with this illness, especially to communicate, because Robert always tells me "they're following you" and "don't trust them, they will betray you".  I hear him talking to me, and often times he not mimicks but...well, tells me what I'm doing as I do it.

And as I believe I said once before, it's not exactly anyone on this forum who is hateful to me, but people outside the internet.  There's only one person here that I have trouble talking to and this person is a moderator.  I think it's a he, so I'll go ahead with that.  Anyway I have trouble talking to this person and he, when I get in an episode, basically tells me that this forum isn't for me and that I should leave.

Those first words you said in this post made me feel relief, and no more anger..  OH btw, I forgot to mention, the place I go to see a psych is called "mountainview behavioural"

Anyway, when I get paranoid or start talking funny, please remember this message, because I don't mean to do it.  I hate chaos myself, but that's what I'm going through with my illness.  My mom is over all my money.  She takes care of me.  I have my lisence but I'm not allowed to drive because of the heavy medication... the meds keep me quite sedated so I can usually agree with people.  When I don't take my medication, watch out!  I'm a wreck.  I can have mom to get on and let you know how weird I get off meds.  Or skipped meds.

I had a personal checking account that mom took over because I didn't know how to manage it correctly.  So I never have money in my pockets.  I'm really not allowed to have cash because I tend to spend it on things I don't need, then when the time comes and I need something important I don't have the money.

At first I was afraid to leave anyone a message here but somehow I got up the courage to do it.  Michael told me that "it will all be okay".  I trust michael.  He keeps me stay out of trouble

Thank you again for your understanding.  If I had a copy of my psych evaluations I'd scan it and send it to you.  I need to take another one though, as the last one didn't really count because the nurses at the mental ward of the hospital told me to do only half of it, then they said on my results that I was uncooperative.  I've been there  3 times.  Twice I was forced to go and once I went willingly because I didn't want to have an argument with the doctor about it.

You take care, okay?  Hope to talk to you more soon
-red
Post Merge: October 22, 2009, 08:15:50 AM

You have my genuine and heartfelt sympathies.

Again, I don't know that anyone (here at least) has been hateful at all.  As others have said, you are among friends here.  I would expect any friend of mine to advise or correct me if they think I'm in error or misconstruing something.  Clearly your mental illness helps to understand your communication style better and thank you for sharing that.  I realize it must have been difficult and I appreciate the gesture.  Good for you!

i like ur signature btw!  reminds me of a shirt i have.  it says "The zombies are looking for brains - don't worry, you're safe"  lol

[Ender]

and lately i've been seeing things.  example: ants on the carpet, circles of blue on the walls, sometimes it looks like the door is opening or closing but it's really not moving at all.  just all kinds of freaky stuff.  i wore a shirt once with bees on it and i freaked out trying to get them off.  I took off my shirt and stompt it.  my mum always tells me to get rest.  docs say that i have these episodes when i've been deprived of sleep.

There's definitely some truth to sleep deprivation causing hallucinations.  I spent a week sleep deprived (slept maybe 2 hours per night) and then topped it off by staying awake for 3 days straight.  (This was all because of one helluva big end-of-semester project at school.)  My second straight day awake, I was seeing things (that weren't there) move out of the corner of my eyes.  After awhile, I could see it a bit better--it was a wolf.  I talked to some of the other sleep-deprived students, and it turns out a few of them were also seeing things.  One guy kept imagining that he saw a large man running around with a gun.  We postulated that we were each seeing what we fear--he saw a guy with a gun because he's from a bigger city where gangs/gunfights are common; I was seeing a wolf because I live in a very rural area and that's really the only dangerous thing around.

The third day (during the final project presentations) I was having full-on hallucinations.  The words on the project posters that were hung up rearranged themselves into such lovely configurations as 'die.'  I saw neon animals running ('scuse me--flying) around.  I saw turquoise rain falling inside of the building.  It was seriously effed up and I thought I was going crazy, but I also realized that my lack of sleep was probably the cause.  After I got some sleep (over 36 hours straight), I was much better...

Anyways, long story short: brains can go haywire when they're sleep deprived.  But that reaction is kinda... normal.  The real problem is not sleeping.  I'm gonna echo your mum: get some sleep.  You'll feel better for it.  And if you can't fall asleep, I dunno, maybe a doc can help.  I've had a couple insomniac friends who had issues with this as well...

Also: did you get my reply to your PM?  I sent it a few days ago to your old account 'red.'

[Alyssa M.]

Oh, awesome! I've been there MANY times. Sometimes because of work, sometimes at the end of really long days in the mountains, and once on a really long drive when the last cup of coffee I had drunk suddenly wore off. That was freaky. The lights on a highway overpass in the distance turned into an alien spaceship on a launchpad.

[axlred66]

There's definitely some truth to sleep deprivation causing hallucinations.  I spent a week sleep deprived (slept maybe 2 hours per night) and then topped it off by staying awake for 3 days straight.  (This was all because of one helluva big end-of-semester project at school.)  My second straight day awake, I was seeing things (that weren't there) move out of the corner of my eyes.  After awhile, I could see it a bit better--it was a wolf.  I talked to some of the other sleep-deprived students, and it turns out a few of them were also seeing things.  One guy kept imagining that he saw a large man running around with a gun.  We postulated that we were each seeing what we fear--he saw a guy with a gun because he's from a bigger city where gangs/gunfights are common; I was seeing a wolf because I live in a very rural area and that's really the only dangerous thing around.

The third day (during the final project presentations) I was having full-on hallucinations.  The words on the project posters that were hung up rearranged themselves into such lovely configurations as 'die.'  I saw neon animals running ('scuse me--flying) around.  I saw turquoise rain falling inside of the building.  It was seriously effed up and I thought I was going crazy, but I also realized that my lack of sleep was probably the cause.  After I got some sleep (over 36 hours straight), I was much better...

Anyways, long story short: brains can go haywire when they're sleep deprived.  But that reaction is kinda... normal.  The real problem is not sleeping.  I'm gonna echo your mum: get some sleep.  You'll feel better for it.  And if you can't fall asleep, I dunno, maybe a doc can help.  I've had a couple insomniac friends who had issues with this as well...

Also: did you get my reply to your PM?  I sent it a few days ago to your old account 'red.'

howdy.  no i didn't get the PM, "red" has been closed out.  i think my problem here is that not only do i have sleep apnea, but i unintentionally fight sleep.  there are times that i have had LOTS of sleep and I still hear and see things.  is it normal for people to hear and see things when they've had sleep?  my meds work pretty good but if i'm off of them, watch out... there's a looney on the loose.

when i was in the mental hospital after having a nervous breakdown (so-called) i was in there half the week i was supposed to stay.  my friend mrs. jasper was there talking to me and all of a sudden i hear music.    i asked everyone and no one else heard it.  you will never guess what song was playing....

Pink Floyd - Brain Damage.  it scared me that no one else heard it.  especially when the song is played in a mental hospital.  that day was the day i actually thought i was losing it.  but then we had counselors and psych's to talk to.  they made me draw a picture of myself.  i drew a stick man in a shirt with a smiley face on it and my face had a frown.

anyway, you can pm me through this new name.

[Miniar]

well, sleep isn't just "One" thing. There are several layers of sleep.
If you do not get to the "dream" stage of sleep, you "can" sleep lots and still suffer sleep-deprivation-hallucinations.
I would suspect you may be more susceptible to them due to your problems.

I have sleep-pattern problems and I usually suffer small auditory hallucinations at least once a month due to lack of "rest".

[axlred66]

well, sleep isn't just "One" thing. There are several layers of sleep.
If you do not get to the "dream" stage of sleep, you "can" sleep lots and still suffer sleep-deprivation-hallucinations.
I would suspect you may be more susceptible to them due to your problems.

I have sleep-pattern problems and I usually suffer small auditory hallucinations at least once a month due to lack of "rest".

I'm so sorry to hear that you have them at least once a month.  I know how bothersome they are.  I had no idea that one can get sleep but have hallucinations too.  Of course, I admit I'm not that smart when it comes to knowing how the brain and sleep works.  I took a course in Cosmetology and Esthetics at an at home college course.  (Now they got creative writing, which I am excited about so when I get money I can pay for the course and take it).

Anyway, I hope you can get caught up on some of your needed rest.  I have before stayed up all day and all night and all day the next day.

And everyone here who has experienced this, I wish you all luck in being able to actually sleep and not have hallucinations..

BTW, there was one time that I got up in the middle of the night... I put the hot dogs from the fridge in a drawer, i tried to make cool aid in the microwave, and i made muffins for my nephew who wasn't even there.  it gets scary sometimes.  one time i even walked out the door.  they told me that i needed to find the man outside who was trying to get in the house.  there was no one there.
Post Merge: October 29, 2009, 08:16:44 AM

well, sleep isn't just "One" thing. There are several layers of sleep.
If you do not get to the "dream" stage of sleep, you "can" sleep lots and still suffer sleep-deprivation-hallucinations.
I would suspect you may be more susceptible to them due to your problems.

I have sleep-pattern problems and I usually suffer small auditory hallucinations at least once a month due to lack of "rest".

Sorry, one more question: how many layers of sleep are there? My sleep doctor who gave me my breathing machine explained to me about how that when I try to go into a deep sleep, my brain tells everything to 'wake up'.  I had a test done at the sleep center. She told me that I quit breathing something like 100-something times, and I had woke up over 300 times during that night without my sleep machine.  If I can get ahold of my records and have a copy of them I can tell you the exact numbers of all of it.

thanks for listening and i hope i'm not a bother to any of you.  i often feel like a bother.

[Miniar]

There are five layers of sleep.
Big Quote!

Stage 1
Stage 1 sleep, or drowsiness, is often described as first in the sequence, especially in models where waking is not included. Polysomnography shows a 50% reduction in activity between wakefulness and stage 1 sleep. The eyes are closed during Stage 1 sleep, but if aroused from it, a person may feel as if he or she has not slept. Stage 1 may last for five to 10 minutes.

Stage 2
Stage 2 is a period of light sleep during which polysomnographic readings show intermittent peaks and valleys, or positive and negative waves. These waves indicate spontaneous periods of muscle tone mixed with periods of muscle relaxation. Muscle tone of this kind can be seen in other stages of sleep as a reaction to auditory stimuli. The heart rate slows, and body temperature decreases. At this point, the body prepares to enter deep sleep.

Stages 3 and 4
These are deep sleep stages, with Stage 4 being more intense than Stage 3. These stages are known as slow-wave, or delta, sleep. During slow-wave sleep, especially during Stage 4, the electromyogram records slow waves of high amplitude, indicating a pattern of deep sleep and rhythmic continuity.

Non-REM Sleep
The period of non-REM sleep (NREM)is comprised of Stages 1-4 and lasts from 90 to 120 minutes, each stage lasting anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. Surprisingly, however, Stages 2 and 3 repeat backwards before REM sleep is attained. So, a normal sleep cycle has this pattern: waking, stage 1, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, REM. Usually, REM sleep occurs 90 minutes after sleep onset.

Stage 5, REM
REM sleep is distinguishable from NREM sleep by changes in physiological states, including its characteristic rapid eye movements. However, polysomnograms show wave patterns in REM to be similar to Stage 1 sleep. In normal sleep (in people without disorders of sleep-wake patterns or REM behavior disorder), heart rate and respiration speed up and become erratic, while the face, fingers, and legs may twitch. Intense dreaming occurs during REM sleep as a result of heightened cerebral activity, but paralysis occurs simultaneously in the major voluntary muscle groups, including the submental muscles (muscles of the chin and neck).

Because REM is a mixture of encephalic (brain) states of excitement and muscular immobility, it is sometimes called paradoxical sleep. It is generally thought that REM-associated muscle paralysis is meant to keep the body from acting out the dreams that occur during this intensely cerebral stage. The first period of REM typically lasts 10 minutes, with each recurring REM stage lengthening, and the final one lasting an hour.

Sleep Cycle
The five stages of sleep, including their repetition, occur cyclically. The first cycle, which ends after the completion of the first REM stage, usually lasts for 100 minutes. Each subsequent cycle lasts longer, as its respective REM stage extends. So a person may complete five cycles in a typical night's sleep.

In REM you dream.
If you don't dream for a couple of nights, you hallucinate.
It's hypothesized that if you don't dream for an extended period of time, you might even develop psychosis.

My sleep cycle interrupts itself in deep sleep too. I usually get "some" cycles though, even if they usually do not last the required amount of time, meaning that when a normal person would get 20-30 minutes of "deep" sleep, I get 10.  And so on.

[axlred66]

There are five layers of sleep.
Big Quote!

In REM you dream.
If you don't dream for a couple of nights, you hallucinate.
It's hypothesized that if you don't dream for an extended period of time, you might even develop psychosis.

My sleep cycle interrupts itself in deep sleep too. I usually get "some" cycles though, even if they usually do not last the required amount of time, meaning that when a normal person would get 20-30 minutes of "deep" sleep, I get 10.  And so on.

WOw I didn't know that.  Several times I have gotten plenty of sleep and i told my counselor about it and then i asked about how my sleeping was, i told her it was okay (if it wasn't for trazodone I wouldn't sleep at all.)  My counselor mentions me having psychosis a lot and we try to deal with it, because well.. I deveoped these entities .  i got so heavy into listening to them that if anyone said it wasn't real, i'd get angry because i know they are real.  i had seen them in dreams and sometimes in the dark there is an outline of them and they speak to me. Sorry about all the off subject things, but, well, i don't think my brain has been the same since my people came along.  but anyway, real people aren't perfect and perfect people aren't real.