I apologise ahead of time for the long boring post, please feel free to skip it, and just let this thread die, I just needed to get it out.
*sigh* Now what do I do? I'm so bloody confused. As much as I know what I am on the inside, for my wife's sake I'm fine living in a male's body as long as we're together (which is hopefully forever, but I hope that if I die and there is a heaven that I will have a proper body up there and not the one I died in). That said one of the main reasons I'm ok with it is because as it stands right now I feel that SRS is nothing but an EXPENSIVE and time consuming costume. Which can provide the same resaults to the public as dressing up can. I don't say that to offend anyone or to try and change how they feel about themselves or anything like that! If it works for you great, your most likely stronger than me! To me, however, it seems like a waste of time and money as I want the impossible! I want a truly female body, where as it seems to me that SRS is only a body that looks female. I'll never have the naturally ocurring hormones, I'll never have a uterus or overies (Yes I know how painful and discusting the monthly is, but still I'd love to expierence it), I'll never have mammory glands (maybe I dunno). Maybe all those thoughts would be put aside during therapy who knows.
This brings me to the meat of my problems right now. I have a membership at Carol Baker now, which means I can get my make-up done professionally once a month for free. This means if I don't want to spend any money I can dress up and look drop-dead gorgeous once a month (twice in Novemeber thanks to my birthday). That is a wonderful prospect to me! However now Erica wants to move to Barrie... she's already given the Land Lord notice, and we'll be moving in with her father. Issue number one is moving in with her father. Sure we'll have our own little aparment type place and we don't actually HAVE to mingle with the other people of the household, but it's rude not to, and living in the same house causes issues of chances for me to dress up. Number Two is the whole reason why we're moving to Barrie. I hate small towns, she wants to move back home (Orillia), Barrie is a city and is close to Orillia. This causes and issue because she'll want to be in Orillia VERY often. Orillia is one of those towns, where EVERYONE knows you by name and can spot you from a block away. Ontop of that, if someone who you THOUGHT didn't know you sees you doing something, give it a day, maybe a day and a half and her whole family knows. Grandparents, Mother, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Neices, Nephews, Friends, EVERYONE lives there and is interconnected... and well I couldn't handle it. Sure her family is accepting of the gay members of their family, but that doesn't mean anything. Her grandparents (whom are basically her parents and everything to her) would say "it's just a phase" if they found out (and were accepting), but I couldn't handle the looks. That's if they were accepting. Thing is I'm not blood family, I'm married to their "daughter" and they are very "Man goes out and works, woman stays home an cleans the house" kinda people... it'd be disastorous! You may ask "well what if you didn't live there, and transitioned, they would still find out." Asnwer: They wouldn't, they aren't very good and putting two and two together unless it's happened right before their eyes, and I could (at the point that it would be needed) just bind my chest and forgo makeup and they wouldn't think anything of it when I visited... they already thought I was gay when they met me since I am more than a little feminine in the way I act. Finally, Erica wants a baby, and well I do too! Which means I can't start HRT until after it's born anyway lol.
Unfortunately Erica's MPD is starting to become and issue again. If she ends up reading this post I'm sure she'll take that sentence the wrong way >.< so to her: "There's is nothing wrong with you, I love you all and wouldn't change a thing." That said, the issue as such; All known personalties (save for one[unless she's changed her mind]) are ok with the thought of me transitioning, they will take me either way. Savannah is the issue. Not because she doesn't want me to change, she's the lesbian! She wants me to change so badly and I love her so much. We want to be together how we really are on the inside! She of course... wants to hog me all to her self and not share me with any other personalties... which who could blame her but it's easier sad then done. I have to try and keep everyone happy! I love them all... well mostly, that brings me to MPD issue two. A new male personalty has surfaced. The last two were easy to deal with, as the first wasn't so much a personalty as an aparation created because one personality felt left out and lonely. The second was EVIL (no really like, hitler Evil), and with the help of the other personalties was delt with quite quickly. This new guy though... well I don't know much about him. He's been out once that I know of, but he didn't say a word to me. One of the girl's says he loves me, the problem is since he hasn't spoken (to me anyway I don't know if he's had conversations with them) it's hard to tell if he loves me like Gay love from male to male, loves my female self, or is just jealous because I have a male body. My god is it ever confusing. It might be ok if he loved my female self.. maybe, Savannah would be pissed lol. Thing is the thought of being with a dude kinda irks me... even if he is occupying the body of a woman... I'm just not romantically interested in men.
