When Did You Start Freaking Out?

[FairyGirl]

congrats Janet! Also congratulations to all of you who are about to take the plunge!

I am so resolved to finish this I can't even think about freaking out. I loved Sandy's descriptions and that is how I feel. Step by step, getting things done until it's over. Although I do feel a bit like I'm waiting for Christmas.

Just this morning in the bath I was thinking about it, and it came into my head that if I didn't do this I would surely have to end my own life because it would not be worth living anymore if I could not be complete. Like many here I am ticking down the days but as far as I'm concerned, it can't get here fast enough! My resolve is not wavering, it's only getting stronger as the day approaches.

[Ms.Behavin]

Hum... Lets see I counted down everyday till surgery.  I was like a 5 year old at christmas,  When will it get here  Then there is the stage where you worry about all the complications that can happen.  Then there is the last two weeks when you worry about all the things that might happen if you miss your flight. etc.etc.  As far as worry about the surgery.  On the day it arrived I was on cloud nine.  No worries,  YES Oh YES Christmas had arrived.   

[K8]

Since putting up my ticker I have been really struggling, and I keep wondering why.  I am coming to the conclusion that it is because I'm beginning to think the surgery might actually happen, and I am beginning to hope for something too important to me.

I've always been reluctant to express my hopes, because then, if someone knew what you wanted, they could keep you from getting it.  I have kept sane and managed not to be suicidal for all these years by learning to accept disappointment, by being careful about hoping, by not counting on things, and just getting on with my life.

All through my childhood I thought I would become a girl, but of course I didn't.  When puberty hit, small hard knots formed behind my nipples, each one about the size and shape of a Cheerio.  I thought: At last!  I'm going to grow breasts and this extra stuff will finally fall off!  But of course that didn't happen.  (I was very naïve.  Children now know that won't happen, but we didn't have the internet then and the only TV science show was Mr. Wizard, who didn't deal with biology.)

I spent 24 years in the military.  About every 18 months I would fill out a form saying where I would like to go next.  About six months later I would get orders to my next station.  The two events rarely had anything to do with each other, and I learned to accept that.

There is more, of course, just as there is for everyone.  I'm not that much different – luckier in some ways and less lucky in others.

But this surgery is just too important.  I have no experience with wanting something that is this important.  And I think that's why I've been struggling.

- Kate

[mmelny]

  Then there is the stage where you worry about all the complications that can happen. 

There!

[Arch]

I never did start freaking out and was surprised by my calm. But then, it was "only" top surgery. I'm sure that if I were planning bottom surgery, I would be climbing the walls from day one.

[K8]

No "freaking out" about SRS on my part.  On the contrary, I was more terrified at the idea that something was going to happen that would prevent me from having surgery.

Exactly!

- Kate

[juliekins]

Some may think I'm full of it but I never freaked out, not even when I was in the "warming room" at the hospital.  Brassard walked in and asked how I was doing and I said fine.  I was very much at peace and no, I didn't have any happy meds in me.

The same thing happened with me. I'm normally a nervous Nelly when it comes to anything medical, especially my first operation. I was remarkably calm, and in some Zen like place while in the pre-op area waiting on the gurney. I couldn't believe the peace that I had. I could almost imagine that I was entering heaven!

Sorry, but I can't say I quite had the same experience right before my FFS. Though I had a remarkably competent surgeon, I still was very anxious before I got wheeled into OR. Either I was more knowledgeable about the recovery experience, or it wasn't as deeply a seated need as GRS. 

To everyone here with upcoming dates- congratulations! You are taking the step of a lifetime, and one that you will not regret. Your time will come soon. Kind of like waiting for Santa to come down the Chimney!

[Renate]

Ah, the "warming room"...

Dim lights, a comfortable gurney, a transistor radio softly playing the local classical music station with commercials quietly spoken in French.
Then, not one, but two pre-warmed blankets laid on top of you.
All the while, expectations of thing to come.

[FairyGirl]

No "freaking out" about SRS on my part.  On the contrary, I was more terrified at the idea that something was going to happen that would prevent me from having surgery.

Yes me too, I think it's my absolute greatest fear right now. I have my 2 letters. I'm beyond ready. When someone again reminds me "this is irreversible", I'm like, yay!! Isn't that kind of the point?

[Krissy_Australia]

17 days till FFS and they are dragging on soooo slowly. Just getting impatient now.

[mmelny]

17 days till FFS and they are dragging on soooo slowly. Just getting impatient now.

Happy Healing Krissy!  You'll do great!

*huggs*,
Melan

[pretty pauline]

I can't say I ever freaked out. My family supported me at every stage of my transition, therapy, FFS BA surgeries etc. My situation was a bit different in the 1980s, but it was my Mam's idea originally for me to have GRS to complete my journey, I was happy with the decision, December 1985 was my date, my big day.
I remember about 1week before my surgery I got a bit anxious, then 2days before just a little panicky and nervious, it was like omg its really happening, then when my big day arrived, going under then coming around, at first when I awoke it was a little sureal, just hard to believe, my Dad was at my bedside when I came round, all I remember saying ''am I done'' like as if time just flew by, he just gave me a big hug ''Daddy's princess girl is now complete'' my Mam visited later, she was trilled to bits, it was a fantastic occasion, I feel Iv always been a woman, but after GRS I felt 100% physically a woman. Iv no regrets, life is good now, I told my BF resently, its not a big deal, hopefully getting married next and be a loving Wife to him, no gain without pain, everything will work out Kate.
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[Miniar]

Just the thought of having someone take sharp metal objects to that area of my body, on purpose, freaks me out already! Even if I have no money to pay for surgery, and don't have a foreseeable appointment coming any time in the next year...

[LordKAT]

I can't say I ever freaked out. My family supported me at every stage of my transition, therapy, FFS BA surgeries etc. My situation was a bit different in the 1980s, but it was my Mam's idea originally for me to have GRS to complete my journey, I was happy with the decision, December 1985 was my date, my big day.
I remember about 1week before my surgery I got a bit anxious, then 2days before just a little panicky and nervious, it was like omg its really happening, then when my big day arrived, going under then coming around, at first when I awoke it was a little sureal, just hard to believe, my Dad was at my bedside when I came round, all I remember saying ''am I done'' like as if time just flew by, he just gave me a big hug ''Daddy's princess girl is now complete'' my Mam visited later, she was trilled to bits, it was a fantastic occasion, I feel Iv always been a woman, but after GRS I felt 100% physically a woman. Iv no regrets, life is good now, I told my BF resently, its not a big deal, hopefully getting married next and be a loving Wife to him, no gain without pain, everything will work out Kate.
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All I can say is WOW. I would be happy to have any of family behind me. You had mom and dad. I'm happy for you and hope your getting married turns out ot be all you hope for.

I know I'm jealous too, can you blame me?



My only freaking out kind of thing is I fear loss of control. Being out while others play with my body is the frightening part, not the idea of surgery itself. If it could be done with a local , I would be OK. End of March will see if I can actually get all the way into an operating room.

[pretty pauline]

Just the thought of having someone take sharp metal objects to that area of my body, on purpose, freaks me out already! Even if I have no money to pay for surgery, and don't have a foreseeable appointment coming any time in the next year...

Well what can girl do when theres no other options, a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do to feel complete.

All I can say is WOW. I would be happy to have any of family behind me. You had mom and dad. I'm happy for you and hope your getting married turns out ot be all you hope for.

I know I'm jealous too, can you blame me?



My only freaking out kind of thing is I fear loss of control. Being out while others play with my body is the frightening part, not the idea of surgery itself. If it could be done with a local , I would be OK. End of March will see if I can actually get all the way into an operating room.

Don't be jealous LordKat, your day will come, the other field is not always greener, I had no easy ride, after my surgery my healing was very slow, then incontinence problems, my Mam was trilled to bits when I finally had my surgery but very little understanding of the painful healing I was going thru, having to wear incontinence pads etc. Only support I ever got from her was ''its all part of being a girl, welcome to womanhood bla bla bla''
Anyway its history now, its been a slow success, I personally have no interest in sex, any guy thats been there has never complained, others have got my enjoyment from my vagina than I ever had, just to see my BF well satisfied is very fulfilling to me as a woman, bringing me flowers and telling me Im pretty and attractive is worth more than all the sex in the world, sorry sorry for going off thread, must be my hormones.
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